


The Love We Grow

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: AU, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 134,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21621472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind” - Shakespeare
Relationships: Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani
Comments: 396
Kudos: 333





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends, 
> 
> The next update for this one sadly isn't written yet, but I have the idea completely worked out. I wanted to post this right after the final chapter of Sweet Salvation, just to let you guys know more is on the way--as always. Please let me know what you think in the comments, it makes publishing a new story/idea much less scary.
> 
> Thank you. I hope you enjoy :)

Her mother used to tell her about all the ways love would heal her. She’d find her person, the one she wanted to spend all her days with, give all her heart to, and it would feel right. She’d feel loved, safe, treasured. It would make all her heartbreak worth it, all her sleepless night worthwhile. It took her thirty-five years to figure out her mother had lied. Love is dangerous, it ripped you open and left you bleeding, most people not sticking around long enough to stitch you back up. Love is tragedy waiting to happen. Some people would say she didn’t need love, not in the way she craved it so badly. She made a name for herself, a big one, her name attached to the biggest fashion company in the US. Before white weddings and picket fences, she used to dream about her name on clothing labels, her name on the door. She’s in the process of buying her first dream house, the acclimates of her business trickling in like water, and every prestigious designer brand jumping to work with her. This dream is worth setting aside her other ones for, or so she tells herself. The exploding of her marriage, giving up on her children’s wish and jeopardizing her peace of mind are all things that she takes in stride; battle wounds, scars that allow her to feel like she deserves this financial success, this life.

She hates herself for still wishing for another one.

The dark sky lays like a blanket over the city. Though many people feared what happened in the dark, she always saw it as the most peaceful time of day. At night is when she felt most safe, most understood. She didn’t have to hide her darker thoughts like she usually would in the daylight. She liked the artistic side of night time too. It’s when her visions came to life, her most creative pieces were created. She had learned to love the dark.

Even when she took in the numerous pictures and blueprints of the new house, she was glad to be doing it at night. It felt weird letting her eyes scan over the entirety of her previous house, the modern design pretty but lacking much personal detail. The house screamed wealth, yet lacked personality. It was okay to live in as long as she was still with her ex-husband, but after it became just her, she couldn’t stand the bleak of the walls and the unoccupied space that made it feel more like a hotel than her home.

The new place is different in every way, even though still under construction. It had taken nearly eleven months before she could move in, and despite the main house being finished, she’s only just starting the construction of the extra wing, built to accommodate her business ventures and turning it into her personal design studio.

She’s always prided herself for staying hands-on, even when it became financially possible to hire people to do her designs, solely having to sign off on it. This has always been her dream; getting the overwhelming number of images out of her brain and seeing the actual fruit of her labour in the form of a design being worn by strangers who support her. She will never jeopardize that, or discredit herself.

The sky looked like it was holding a threat; the dark grey clouds forecasting thunder or a magnitude of rain. Either one proved to be a rarity in the sunny California she’d been born and raised in. Looking out over the hills, she almost catches herself getting emotional. She pushes back the lump in her throat, realizing she’ll have to look both professional and presentable for when she’s meeting the constructor later. These last few months, her social life had consisted pretty much of just that; meeting the house constructors, manufacturer, real-estate agent. The only person who truly knew what was going on in her life was her assistant, and best friend Lizzie. She wouldn’t complain to the woman though, no matter how badly she wanted to, but this afternoon seemed to consist of many changes.

“Gwen, cut the shit.” Her friend mutters under her breath, though she makes no real effort to hide her words. She pops another grape in her mouth, sitting across from her at the marble counter.

“Look around. How can I _not_ be happy?” Gwen forces another smile on her face, the whole façade way too familiar to drop now. “A few weeks from now, we’ll be sitting in the freshly designed studio, literally doing most of our work from home Liz. It’s what we’ve always dreamed about.”

Her friend smiles. “You worked hard for this.”

“So have you. And you know this is ours, not just mine. Don’t give me that crap.”

“Alright Miss Humble. _Our_ crazy investment will not distract me from the course at hand though—you’re lonely.”

“I’m not. I’m fine.”

If there’s one conversation she’s not ready to have, it’s this one. She can deal with her pain and loneliness when she’s on her own at night, but she can’t have these conversations in bright daylight and be expected to function like she normally would. She needs to pick her battles. She can fall apart at night, never during the day.

“Your divorce is barely a year old, the asshole literally just stopped bothering you. You’ve got the pressures of the world on your shoulders, Gwen. Everyone is looking at you, everyone is rooting for you, but that doesn’t take away the millions of eyes focused on _you_. It’s okay to need someone to share that weight with.”

Gwen chuckles, though she’s sure it’s the sound of raw pain trying to escape her lips.

“I _do_ have someone to do that with.” She retorts slowly, eyes trained on her friend. “I share it with you.”

“And I’m happy to do it. I just think you need more.”

“Liz, please.” She shakes her head, irritatedly combing a hand through her hair. “Not now.”

“But another time?”

Gwen rolls her eyes. “Sure, whatever. Look, this guy can be here any moment now and I’m not willing to think about anything other than the blueprint for this studio and design ideas. I’ll be damned if the things on mind are anything other than that. Alright?”

Lizzie throws her hands up, but not before stealing another grape.

“Alright, alright, just looking out for you baby.”

Gwen’s eyes soften a little, the knowledge of her friend having her back more soothing than anything else. It makes her annoyance evaporate fairly quickly, knowing not to take that type of care for granted. Especially when she can count the people who care for her like that on one hand. Besides her parents, brother and Lizzie, it’s just her. She’ll allow herself to cry about it at night.

\--

The exterior of the studio looked beautiful, in a modern kind of way. It reminded her of the look of her previous house, just miniature. It had a flat roof, with large square windows; they take up the entire wall at one side. The only detail that makes it look slightly less metallic are the beams of external porch and the matching green plants decorating the yard. Its surroundings made it look beautiful, but she needed it translated into the interior as well.

“I agree it looks pale now, but you gotta remember, this was occasionally built as a spacious additional room, just needing to fulfil basic living functions. It was never meant for any long-term stay. But by the time we’re done with it, you’ll have a hard time wanting to get back to the main house. That’s a cast-iron guarantee.”

She couldn’t help but stare at the man. He was beautiful in a rugged way, his tall body almost hovering over her without meaning to. He looked like he knew what it meant to work hard, but carried himself with such ease and confidence, it almost looked like he could do whatever he did while sleeping. His eyes were as blue as the ocean she visited often as a kid, and his accent made it clear that he wasn’t from here. He scratches the side of his face, the stubble on his jawline making the softest noise while he does so. She realizes she’s staring and awkwardly clears her throat.

“I believe you. I just want it much more personalized, much less…bleak.”

“I saw the drawings and pictures.” He answers with a swift nod. “They’re creative ideas, which is every constructers dream. I promise you, there’s not gonna be a problem. I’ve contacted some of my guys over in the engineering office who’ll bring material supplies over no later than tomorrow. If it’s okay with you, I can get an early start and you’ll be able to see the final stages in about three weeks.”

His confidence and determination work to calm her a bit. She looks at the younger man thankfully, hating herself when her block in regards to remembering names seems to become a nuisance once again.

“Thank you so much, that would be great.” She smiles. “Blake, am I right?”

God, she hopes she’s right.

“Your memory serves you correct, ma’am.”

His grin is wide and something tells her he could see her internal panic written all over her face. She decides to ignore the way his charm makes her feel slightly unstable on her feet, the feeling an uninvited one.

“I’m usually at the office during weekdays from eight till six. I’ve written down the security number of the gate and my cell in case you need to reach me there. Mind walking with me?”

The shake of his head is firm as he follows behind her. “Not at all.”

They make their way passed the warm patio and porch, her mind still having a hard time wrapping around the fact that this place is indeed hers. She holds the door open long enough for Blake to exclaim some gentle thanks before closing it behind her. She finds it hard to look at him all the sudden, her eyes trained on the note she knows she’s left for him on the counter.

It’s hard for her to say why she’s suddenly struggling with talking to the man, but it’s such an overwhelming thought in her mind, she can barely acknowledge him as she hands him the numbers written down on the back of her business card. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s been trying to ‘calm’ her ever since he’s got here; her fears about the place not being finished yet visible to everyone with eyes. Or maybe it’s the fact that he’s handsome and she hasn’t been around a charming man in years. Or maybe it’s the fact that some part of her, deep down, berates herself for taking an unexplainable liking to him. She’s been raised to focus on success, to aim for the highest even if it’ll kill her. She’s not supposed to be impressed by charm and wit—she’s supposed to only have eye for the men with status, the ones who match her credentials and never allow others to question hers. Twelve years in this industry and ten spend with her ex-husband had turned her into the person she never wanted to become. Maybe she can’t look at Blake any longer because he holds up a mirror without intending to, showing her exactly who she is and who she isn’t, the mask threatening to fall off with each smile that covers his lips, each word spoken to her covered in Southern twang.

Blake takes the card from her hand, stuffing it into his jean pocket.

“This your first time buying a house?”

Her head tilts up slightly as she realizes she’s being talked to, her throat moving with the force of her swallow.

“No, Gav—my ex-husband and I bought a house six years ago. I never got to build one though, this is the first time living in a house that I designed from the ground up.”

“Ah, well, the first one doesn’t count. You haven’t _really_ bought a house if you didn’t build it.”

She squints at his audacity, but her voice never wavers.

“Many people never get to build their own house—or even buy one.”

“Many people aren’t fortunate enough to experience the wonders of the world.”

“But you do?”

He winks at her, the gesture causing her throat to feel a little dry. “Why do you think I made a profession out of building houses?”

His passion for what he does reminds her of her own, though through the years she’s had to remind herself to focus on enjoying it. It’s true that the bigger the success, the higher the stakes. It was hard seeing past the pressures of this business and focus on that little girl that once just loved sowing and picking out different fabrics with her mother.

“You love what you do.” She says.

“You have to.”

Gwen nods.

“You live in LA?”

She couldn’t let his accent go unnoticed, and his smile is wide as she touches on it.

“I live in Oklahoma whenever I’m not working, which isn’t often.”

“Holidays?”

“You’re forgetting birthdays.”

She smiles. “How could I forget those.”  
  
There’s a sparkle in his eyes she only recognizes from told tales. The bright blue of his irises has her drowning in a sea of emotions, the look on his face reminding her of her father’s, only kinder. Less judgemental.

She clears her throat. “Do you want me to show you around the premises?”

“I think the instructions for the gate will be just fine, ma’am. Thank you.” He looks at her sweetly, before speaking the rejection she could already see brewing in his eyes. “You won’t even notice me while I’m here, most of my time is spend at the studio and the equipment will be brought in and out by car, no indoor mess. I really don’t have much business here.”

She nods at his words, not understanding why she’s suddenly filled with disappointment. It’s not like she hoped to become best friends, but something about him makes him makes her want to get to know him—be around him.

“Oh, okay, of course— “

“Are you nervous?”

The question throws her for a loop, her heart hammering. He’s a beautiful, yet maddening contradiction. He’s friendly and well-mannered, yet can be incredibly forward to the point of awkwardness. It makes her feel seen in a way she’s not ready for, wishing she could leave his presence as much as she wishes to be in it. He’s professional in the way he keeps bringing it back to work and boundaries, but he’s overwhelmingly confident and fearless when it comes to saying what he thinks.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”

“Yeah uhm, no I’m not.” She replies anyways, forcing her eyes up to meet his. “This is just all super new to me and I’m just a little bit tired.”

None of it is a lie, though she doesn’t have to elaborate for it to be obvious it’s not the whole truth either.

“No need to explain yourself to me, ma’am.”

“Gwen.” She interjects. “Please just call me Gwen.”

He smiles. “ _Gwen_.”

Whenever he smiled, she became more aware of his handsome features, her ability to look away pretty much non-existent. His brown curly hair was trimmed perfectly, yet not too short. His short facial hair grazed his chin and cheekbones, making him look slightly older than he probably was. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out he’s insanely attractive, but the thought irks her regardless. He appears incredibly confident, which only adds to his appeal, making Gwen wonder how anyone ever gets like that. She wonders if she can somehow make some of that confidence her own by just being around it. He’s still looking at her with his sensual mouth, making her mind wonder about how they would feel, in another universe, where she wasn’t a fashion mogul and he wasn’t there to renovate her house.

Not to mention he’s younger than she is, by at least a solid five years. There’s something in his eyes that reminds her of a young boy, and she wonders if some of his confidence has to do with a lingering childishness. It frustrates her how badly she wants to figure out if there are weights of the world pressing down on his shoulders too, or if he’s ever been burned by a lover, if he ever experienced half the sorrow and darkness she has.

“I hope I didn’t make you feel bad with my question earlier. It was not my intention— “

“You didn’t. Like I said, I am just…”

“Tired.”

“Yeah.”

He nods. “There’s stress involved when it comes to getting a house up to your expectations.”

“That. Plus work, all the basic stressors.”

He looks at her so intensely then, she finds it hard to look away though she can barely stand keeping their gazes connected. She does so by sheer willpower though, suddenly feeling bashful when he realizes she’s staring. He gives her a quiet nod, paired with a smile and gentle shrug, letting her know he doesn’t mind her alluring gaze.

“My daddy used to always say no job is worth doing when it brings you more stress than your body can handle.”

She looks down at her feet, shaking her head when she feels the common frustrations pipe up again. “With all due respect, I think your father failed to look at it realistically. Some jobs are worth it despite the stress. There’s such a thing as a purpose.”

“I wholeheartedly agree, Gwen.” He smiles, emphasizing the usage of her name instead of the proper formality he used before.

“You do?”

He hums.

“Wanna know what I think?”

She nods before she can stop herself.

“I think you need to find something you _really_ enjoy, and let that exhaust you. Some of the most enjoyable things in the world can you give you the most gorgeous sleep.”  
  
Her throat dries up again, her eyes failing to meet his gaze any longer. Her cheeks cover in a pretty shade of pink, the audacity of the younger man once again taking her by surprise. When she looks up and she finds the most gentle smile coating his lips, almost bordering on innocent, she’s sure she’s losing her mind.

“I’m sorry, I’m…” She shakes her head, finding her bearings. “Can I interest you in some coffee?”

Though disappointing, she’s relieved she can count on Blake’s common sense in this moment.

“I should really get going.” He speaks gently, nodding once. “Thank you for the instructions, I’ll make sure to be here tomorrow, bright and early.”

She makes a soft noise of approval, walking him out until they reach the door. Stepping outside on her patio, he looks back once more, his smile still plastered on his face though there’s also a hint of something else there. Something even more intriguing.

“Hey, about that cup of coffee.” He speaks sweetly. “Next time?”

She hums.

She can barely breathe as she nods. The promise of a next time with him the only thought she takes with her into the next twelve hours of darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

The trees in her backyard are glowing golden. A myriad of amber and orange tones reflecting through the branches above her. She takes a deep breath, soaking in the early morning air. She decided not to come in to work today, at least not in the office. Her work phone and files are laying securely next to her, her body stretched out on the clean fresh grass. She closes her eyes, enjoying the feel of the earlier hours on her skin. It’d be hot in no time, but right now, even just for a little moment, it is perfect. She closes her eyes, feeling the sun spread across her skin as it climbs higher in the sky and she revels in its warmth.

It’s slowly healing her. slower than she’d like, but a little more each day. Patience didn’t come easy for her. Accepting the complete lack of control she felt was even harder. And there was nothing quick about this process. Sometimes it felt like everything, absolutely everything, was a battle. A constant war within herself that she wasn’t sure she had the strength to fight any longer.

She needed moments like the one she’s experiencing now desperately. She’d grown to savour the quiet and the solitude this place provided, despite being located in the middle of Los Angeles. Behind these fences, she didn’t have to pretend like she wasn’t still gluing together the broken pieces of her heart, in here she didn’t have to lie and say she was halfway getting over her ex-husband leaving her for someone else, after getting the woman pregnant. Behind these fences, she could be as heartbroken as she needed to be.

She had given up on believing in magic, fate, all the sorts of things she believed in before she got her heart ripped out of her chest. But this morning, still lying down while facing the sky, she finds herself frozen in awe of the light. In complete reverence at how the smallest of beams of sun illuminated everything, bringing to life all that they touched. She couldn’t help but feel like somehow, they could bring her back to life as well.

She loved laying here to watch the sunrise, it being the literal resurrection from the darkness that threatened to swallow her each night.

Closing her eyes one more time before daily duties would call, she hears a noise above her. Opening her eyes, she nearly jumps when she sees his tall frame smiling down at her. She immediately sits up, using her elbows to push herself off the grass.

“I didn’t mean to bother you while looking so relaxed, but I’m afraid I might need your opinion on some measurements before I continue.”

She lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding, feeling a rush of tension escape her lungs. Nodding fiercely, she grabs the phone and folder next to her before standing up on her two feet.

“Of course.”

“It won’t be long.” Blake replies, her much shorter legs trying to keep up with his steady strides.

“Don’t worry about it, I was about to head inside anyways, you just gave me an incentive to get up sooner.”

He smiles. “I know that feeling.”

“You don’t seem like the type of person to ever be lazy.” She smiles softly. “Are you really gonna tell me you enjoy laying down doing nothing?” She squints her eyes in friendly mocking.

“That’s my favorite thing to do actually.” He retorts simply, that maddening smile never once leaving his lips. “I don’t get to do it nearly as often as I would like.”

By the time they’re arriving at the studio under construction, she has to force her eyes away from him to focus on what he’s telling her.

She’s a bit in awe of the progress he seemed to have made in no less than five hours. Walking inside the still bleakly coloured studio, the interior furniture looks way more like the way she envisioned it in her mind. The large white table in the middle is standing proudly, instead of laying on the floor in a box. The expensive wireless push lights are being installed one by one, the table lamp already illuminating the surface.

“ _Woah_.” She exclaims under her breath, trying to take everything in as fast as possible.

“It’s still far from done, but it gives you a bit of an idea.”

She nods. “I love it.”

“You do?”

She looks at him excitedly, damn near feeling the urge to clap her hands like a little kid would. There’s an explosion in her brain—but the good sort—the type that carries more possibilities than she can be conscious of. There are hundreds of new ideas flooding in, a buzz of electricity palpable in her chest.

“It’s exactly what I hoped it would be. I mean, obviously there’s still some work to be done, but this already looks so awesome, Blake. Really, thank you so much.”

His smile crinkles his eyes and she feels herself blush slightly. She adverts her eyes away from him, scanning over the room.

“I’m glad you’re excited about it.” He answers softly, if he noticed her blush, he’s not calling her out on it. “I actually called you in here to ask you about the placement of this baby…” He pets his hand on the surface of the table once, searching her eyes. “You sure you want it in the middle like this or more towards the back. You have about 70 inches left before it hits a wall.”

She walks over to the other side, as she’s never been the one to be necessarily good with measurements. She scratches the back of her head, taking in the view of the current placement.

“We still have to place the chairs.” She says focused, biting her lip. “I haven’t decided yet on which side I want them, so some leeway could be coming in very handy.”

Blake nods. “Fair. In that case I wouldn’t mess with it.”

“Let’s not.” She concedes, finding his gaze again and confirming.

His eyes look so deeply into her own, his lips curving into a smile as soft as the morning light. Her body squirms just a little as she feels herself getting worked up over his stare once again. As if the universe throws her an actual life jacket, her phone starts ringing and she turns her eyes away from him quickly.

“I gotta take this.” She says semi-apologetically.

Blake waves for her to do whatever she needs to do and that’s how their conversation comes to a prompt ending.

=

Staying away from the office for a day always resulted in some reflecting she didn’t necessarily enjoy. She’d gotten to a point where no one would question her anymore if she decided to take care of business from home, causing her to get away with it without much of an explanation. Deciding not to come in today meant she could get some more things done around the house, while also keeping an eye out on Blake as he worked on her premises. It’s not like she doesn’t trust him, quite the opposite, but something makes her want to be there as much as she can.

He has zero interest for her when he’s working, and she has enough dignity not to feel bad about that. He’s committed to making her place better, giving out a few orders to the two men who’ve joined him early in the morning. The amount of times her eyes have strayed towards him should be considered criminal, the nature of her thoughts confusing, to say the least. Blake ends up staying when the other men leave later in the afternoon, his alluring presence disappearing out and into the studio wing multiple times throughout the hours.

His eyes are bold, but his _hands_ are even bolder. He didn’t mind getting them dirty, while she spent a lifetime being afraid of doing just that.

She pretends like it doesn’t exist; the battle raging inside. She carries on like nothing is wrong, smiling at her peers and colleagues daily, grimacing everytime she forces a look of enthusiasm and professionalism on her face, solely because it’s expected. She knows that if she told people how she really felt, if she dared to _show_ them, they’d call her weak. They’d see the weaknesses she tried so hard to convince people she didn’t have.

Those expectations are what breaks her. That’s what causes this wave to feel more like a tsunami, causing an earthquake in her stomach and an incredible volcanic eruption in her head. She lets her back hit the counter with a grunt, the hand in which she’s holding her coffee cup unable to keep steady because of the impact, spilling some over the marble and her fingers. She yelps painfully, a self-loathing and frustrated sigh leaving her lips.

“Hey.” His voice hits her ears. “Are you okay?”

She didn’t even hear him come in, but it makes sense since she let him know coffee would be waiting for him inside. She nods without looking at him, but he doesn’t let her speak the lie that was already on the tip of her tongue.

“Do you have any towels?” He asks.

She moves for the faucet behind her, putting down the cup and letting the spray of cold water hit her slightly red and irritated skin. “It’s on the other side of the counter, first cupboard.”

Normally she’d be a bit more reluctant to accept help from a stranger, but she’s tired and in pain, plus Blake makes her feel just slightly more at ease. His presence still a weirdly comforting one.

“Here you go.” He says softly, waiting until she turns of the faucet and lets him wrap the clotted fabric around her hand like a band aid. “Just keep it like that for a few minutes.”

She nods. “Thank you. Your coffee is right there next to the machine.”

“I got it, thank you.”

She smiles gently, watching as he takes his own cup between both his hands. His calloused fingers look rough from the many hours of working, his sleeves rolled up his forearm completely. She notices a single tattoo around his arm, and though she’s usually not attracted to ink in the slightest, she can’t deny it suits him perfectly.

“You must think I’m an actual idiot.” She laughs jokingly, holding up her injured hand. “I’m so not smooth.”

His eyes sparkle under her admission, his smile ever so infectious.

“Smooth, maybe not. Definitely wouldn’t say you’re an idiot, though.”

“I’ll take that.”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t give a damn about what I thought of you.”

That gets her attention, her teeth digging into her lower lip. He seems to realize she’s taken a little aback by his statement and elaborates without needing any more prompting.

“You’re an incredibly successful woman, Gwen. You have absolutely nothing to prove to me. Around me, you can be as clumsy or problematic as you want, I think you found the _least_ likely person to ever judge you right here.”

She tries to smile at him, but it comes off more like a painful, pitiful grimace. “I didn’t mean— “

She cuts herself off, horrified of what his words might imply. It takes her a while to get rid of the restriction that seems to be put on her vocal chords by sheer embarrassment. She always knew her new way of thinking, the _trained_ way, would cause problems for her at some point. The thought of Blake feeling any of her pre-conceived notions she felt about him, or the judgements she placed upon him to try and ease some of the attraction she feels, is enough to send her mind in a frenzy.

“I hope you mean that in the way you worded that, not in the way you made it sound.”

It’s the most honest dishonest statement she could probably come up with, but she’s nowhere near ready to have that conversation with him.

He smiles confidently, the sentiment not very appreciated in the moment.

“I think you know exactly how I meant that.”

Her eyes widen. “I don’t know what you think you saw or felt, but it’s not accurate.”

“So you don’t find it hard to interact with me because you know you would never even have glanced into my direction if we’d met anywhere else but here?”

The way he so easily read her and summarized it into one knowing question has her heart beating painfully hard in her chest. She remembers her father’s words in this moment, how he would tell her this is the type of man that would lack all the finesse it takes to be with a woman like her. She tries to shake the weird romantic thoughts that swirl around her and Blake out of her brain, fighting to keep her eyes locked with him after his accusatory, brazen question.

“That’s not true.” She shakes her head, a breathy sound leaving her lips.

“It’s okay.” He says, his voice low and addictive. “Thank you for the coffee, ma’am.”

He takes the last sip of his drink before gently putting it down on the counter. Her eyes widen again as she realizes he’s saying goodbye to her. Before she can think better of it, her good hand reaches out for him.

“It’s Gwen.” She corrects him, hoping that’s enough to get the underlying message across. “You don’t have to go yet.”

She doesn’t know what she wants or expects from him, doesn’t even know why she’s basically asking this stranger to stay a little while longer, but then again—nothing in her life makes much sense lately. Maybe this is just another part of her life that she has to go through in order for her to understand it later.

She didn’t anticipate for him to stand so close after being stopped by her hand on his arm. He looks at her a bit surprised, yet amusement lingering in his deep blue eyes too.

“I’ll be here again tomorrow.”

She nods. “I know.”

She’s made her mind up in that moment; she won’t allow him the satisfaction of hearing her specifically ask him to stay, but if he decides to anyways, she won’t fight it. Her free hand hangs against her side again before she moves it up to put some unnecessary pressure on the towel still wrapped around her hand.

“Can I take a look?” He asks suddenly, eyes casting down to her hand. “I’ve spent an incredible amount of hours looking after my own injuries caused on the job, I have a pretty good eye for spotting severities.”

Gwen slowly nods her head after he’s made his case, though she’s pretty sure she would’ve let him check her out even without the added explanation afterwards.

Blake lightly touches her arm as he unwraps the towel from her hand, his rough fingertips pressing softly into her skin as he scans the sensitive flesh on her finger. A chill passes through her when his thumb rubs a slow circle around her wrist, probably to help ease her mind, as he has no way of knowing how incredibly affected she is by his proximity and touch. He’s so gentle, it almost doesn’t match with his oozing masculinity, but it only makes her like him more.

There’s no denying it any longer, though she’s sure she’ll keep trying; she is beyond attracted to this man, unable to keep her own prejudice and fears from being drawn to him.

“It looks slightly irritated, but luckily it doesn’t seem like you’ve obtained a scald burn. Just keep it unwrapped from now on so the air can do its thing— _no ice_ , it will be gone by tomorrow.”

She swallows roughly. “Thank you, I can’t believe how clumsy I am sometimes.”

He grins. “You really do need to be more careful.”

He looks boyish when he grins, the look on his face pure amusement. She loves the way he’s so comfortable in his own skin, the way he doesn’t seem to care about the way she perceives him. It’s the complete opposite for her—as she hopes her strangely unexpected desires aren’t on display for him to read.

 _Careful_. That’s the only word she wants to stay true to these days.

“Are you sure you’re the one to talk?” She says lightly, nodding towards the prominent scar on his lower arm, the skin revealed by the rolled-up sleeve.

He grins even wider.

“Point taken.” He relents. “Considering my line of work, I’m actually surprised that’s the only one I have.”

“What happened?”

He steps a little closer to her, rolling his sleeve up all the way and angling his arm so the slightly discoloured skin is on full display for her.

His fingertip traces the small scar. “I was holding a light bulb at the exact moment we had a power surge apparently. Damn thing exploded right then and there.” He chuckles while recalling the memory, looking up to find her already intensely staring. “It was a real bitch to get the glass splinters out, let me tell you.”

“ _Oh my god_.” She gasps, not even thinking when she lets her finger trail across the slightly roughened skin. “That must’ve hurt.”

“Yeah, but at least it looks cool.”

There’s a brief silence before she looks up at him, both laughing as she watches him trying to keep a straight face.

“I’m sure the girls really like the scar, yeah.” She says playfully, breaking the physical contact she subconsciously initiated before.

“That must be it.” He chuckles.

She doesn’t understand the sudden surge of jealousy filling her body at hearing his words, her throat feeling uncomfortably dry. She tries her best at looking neutral when she finds the courage to meet his gaze again, but she wasn’t expecting to find him watching her so intensely already. She’s suddenly much more aware of his proximity, his body standing only a few inches away from hers, his arm no longer outstretched to her, but still as inviting.

It dizzies her to realize she could literally reach her hand out and touch him _easily_. She could take one step and be crushed to his chest. She could lean in and…

“You okay?” He asks, his voice dropping even lower and she wonders if it’s possible to fall in love with a sound. The way he has to actively look down, his body basically looming over her in this proximity, is enough to have the goosebumps breaking out on her skin.

“Yeah.” She whispers, unable to look at him now.

“About earlier…” He starts to speak.

“You were right.” She interjects, every nerve in her body on high alert. “It’s hard for me to talk to you for some reason. It’s a weird time in my life and I know that’s not your problem and I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but…it’s the truth and I need a bit more of that in my life.”

As much as speaking the truth feels like a relief, she can’t bear the motion of looking at him when she speaks it. She doesn’t know what it is about Blake that makes her want to share her story with him, or why she’s so intrigued by the man. She snaps out of her nearly frozen state when Blake’s hand touches her elbow, once more reminding her of how close he’s standing.

“You want the truth?” He asks lowly, the heat of his gaze prominent even when she doesn’t lift her head to meet his.

She nods.

“You’re a beautiful woman Gwen, and you’re smart. I don’t know what it is you’re going through exactly, but I know you already have the solution somewhere deep down.”

Gwen scoffs. “Is that another lesson your father taught you?”

He sighs deeply and Gwen immediately feels horrified when she realizes what she just said. She finally looks up to meet Blake’s gaze, her eyes wide and face flushed with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry.”

“You care too much about what other people think.” He exclaims confidently, soft but determined.

“What?”

“That’s why you’re scared to talk me.” He keeps his eyes trained on hers, not even seeming to care about her increasingly growing panic. “You think being rude to me or pretending like you’re somehow above me, puts you in their good graces again.”

“I already said that’s not true…” She whispers, fighting the urge to give his chest a big shove and create some more distance between them.

“You did say that, but I thought you wanted to start telling the truth?”

“I wanted to share some truth with you because I thought you deserved that, not cause I _owe_ you that. I don’t know what you think we’re doing here, but you’re still just my constructer, you work for _me_. I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

Though her words are rough, Blake doesn’t seem nearly as affected by them as she imagined he’d be. It’s another clear case of his confidence on display for her.

“If that’s all this is, why am I still standing here?”

“I wonder the same thing.”

He smiles. “Why haven’t you pushed me away yet? Why haven’t you told me to back up, Gwen?”

As if he’s taunting her, he takes another step forward, nearly crushing his chest against hers. She doesn’t know what to do with her hands suddenly, letting them lay limp against her sides.

“This isn’t right.” She whispers. “We shouldn’t…. we can’t.”

Instead of answering her, he lowers his head, allowing his breath to hit her forehead. It’s torture to realize how easy it would be to feel his kiss now, how she’d only have to lift her head. She knows she won’t though, not when it’s such an obviously horrible idea. She’s in no position to make another one of those horrific decisions that will leave her heart shattered and broken all over the floor.

She gasps when she feels his lips on her forehead, just lightly brushing. She feels her eyes water because of the gentle touch, her hands itching to touch him.

Every fibre in her being wants him closer, which terrifies her most. She almost wants to slap herself for what comes out of her mouth next. “Stop.”

Blake immediately backs away from her, the look on his face one of slight disappointment but no surprise. He can’t be surprised. She stands there unmoving, looking at him with so much confusion and _heart_ , she can’t believe hers is still beating. She doesn’t think Blake realizes what he does to her already, and if he does, he doesn’t show it.

She wants to wrap her arms around him, sink into his space, tell him everything that led her to this moment and why she is the way she is. But the tension in the air feels like chains bound to her ankles.

“If you want me to send someone else tomorrow…”

She recoils from the shock of hearing those words, not even able to think about having _another_ man take over Blake’s work, not when _this_ man is still making her feel alive after having felt numb for so long.

“That won’t be necessary.” She whispers, clearing her throat. “There’s no need for you to resign Blake. You can continue to work here, it’s fine. I’ll keep my distance, let you do what needs to be done and I expect you to do the same.”

Blake nods, though the look on his face doesn’t portray much confidence in her statement.

“Of course, ma’am.”

She winces, but this time she doesn’t correct him.

She’s grateful he turns around to walk out next, as she can’t keep the heartbreak out of her eyes. She’s big on faith, big on God, but she has no problem admitting she can’t understand His timing. The way Blake makes her feel, makes her _body_ feel when he’s close, feels like fate pulling her into him. It almost feels like it’s okay to take a chance on someone so different, so far out of her comfort zone. But she’s a business woman on the top of her game, a woman scorned by love and betrayed by most people she allowed close. It’s unrealistic to believe Blake could possibly handle her, take care of her. It’s the kind of magic she can’t afford herself to believe in anymore; a fairy tale she must let go of. But no matter how hard she tries to convince herself of that, there’s still a shimmer of hope in her heart that wishes Blake takes a leap of faith regardless, and eventually chooses her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Be on the look out for another “Possibilities” update today too xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are gonna pick up some steam quickly *wink*

She always wanted more from life. A husband, kids, a big house—not because she wanted to show off her wealth, but because she wanted enough room for love and memories, little ones running around. She always wanted a successful job, something her family could be proud of, something that would never stop fulfilling her. She’s worked hard to get where she is, but nothing can quite help ease the regret she feels in the depths of her heart, for giving up on so many of her dreams in the pursuit of the perfect job, perfect career.

She doesn’t have a husband anymore, his love walking out of her door without so much as a second thought, every dream they so carefully started building together crushed by the cruel force of his disassociating. She doesn’t have kids, not even after begging God so many times during her moments of despair, the many times she folded her hands and prayed for a mistake always going unanswered. She has the job she always wanted since she was a little kid, though. Something in the eyes of her parents is enough to keep her together every time she sees it; that sparkle of genuine awe and impressiveness—they take pride in her.  
  
At least two people do.

She didn’t see Blake for about a week, at least not _really_. Work had been enough to throw herself in head first, and she decided on going into the office every day, no more working from home while he was there. She would check up on the development every evening after coming home, her heart doing painful flips as she realizes the space is becoming more and more like in her dreams. Sometimes she fights the urge to pick up the phone and call him, thank him for working so hard on _her_ studio, maybe a leave a note for when he gets there the next morning. She never does, though.

The only contact they’ve had, is Blake informing her over some disturbance she might endure for a few days, some of the work equipment necessary to stay over there, willing her to walk around the studio with a large circle. She doesn’t mind, she’s still able to go in there and see the improvement.

She’s not surprised when she once again misses Blake after coming home tonight, knowing Blake usually starts at the crack of dawn. Though she’s slightly sad about not having seen him for about a week, she can recognize that it’s probably best he’s not here tonight. She’d been convinced to be social today, her friend Chelsea having damn near harassed her for a woman’s night. She loves her friend, as she’s the only one aside from Lizzie who she’s known forever—who’s been there before she had a dollar to her name and never fail to see the _real_ her underneath the trained façade.

She also knows that Chelsea is one of the wildest people she’s ever met, and she can’t even imagine what would happen if she found out about her growing crush for her constructer. It’s decided then and there that she can never utter a word to anyone about this, her feelings something she needs to deal with on her own, keeping a tight lid on it.

Sitting with her friend on the couch, after the second bottle of wine, she can feel herself growing beyond tired, her body heavy and her mind slightly dizzy.

“Bitch, don’t tell me you haven’t had any action since you kicked that asshole to the curb.”

Gwen rubs her middle and index finger against her temple, not excited about going into this territory. It hasn’t been a year yet and she couldn’t even think about having another man in her bed again, the thought only very recently starting to become more appealing again. It’s something her friends have a hard time understanding, considering the horrible nature of her previous relationship. She doesn’t think she has it in her to explain it again, especially not after having consumed more alcohol in one night, than she has in six months.

“Can we please not talk about that?” She murmurs, already feeling the headache behind her eyes.

“You need to get out more, Gwen. Come on, let’s go out _right now_ and find you some handsome stranger who can help you get your rocks off.”

Gwen has to actively grab her friend’s arm and pull her back on the couch, shaking her head. “I don’t think so.”

Chelsea’s chest deflates, cocking her head.

“Being scared of going back in the saddle is not gonna do you any good. Look at you, you’re gorgeous, hot as hell, you’re successful. There’s literally not a guy in the world who wouldn’t fall for that.”

“I’m not scared.” Gwen lies, taking the last sip of her glass of wine. “And you’d be surprised to figure out how many men _wouldn’t_ be attracted to that.”

“I’m talking about _real_ men, Gwen.” Chelsea cuts in, grabbing the bottle from the coffee table and not even bothering with a glass. “Not the ones who fear a strong and independent woman.”

She lets herself lean against the back of the couch, wishing the furniture could just open up and swallow her whole. Chelsea and her used to have these types of conversation all the time, especially when they were younger. Gwen hates how far away she seems to be removed from that younger girl that just wanted love and believed in it in the most naïve, beautifully tragic way. She misses being able to talk about sex and love without feeling like it was something to be ashamed of, or something to fear.

“Can we just sit here and drink in silence?” Gwen asks somewhat annoyed, mostly at herself.

Her friend shrugs, but Gwen knows she won’t object either. If there’s one thing she knows about Chelsea, is that she’d never turn down the opportunity to drink and then crash at her place. A soft smile covers her lips at the many memories of them getting drunk together and falling asleep somewhere in the house.

They sit like that for a while, until the alcohol gets the best of them both, crawling underneath some warm sheets the only thing on their minds. She’s grateful she doesn’t have to work tomorrow, making herself no illusions about the hellish hangover she’ll wake up to. She makes sure the guest room is ready for her friend before Chelsea stumbles into the large room, not even bothering with a change of clothes before she crashes into the Queen size. Gwen smiles at her friend, shaking her head before softly closing the door behind her. She changes into some sleep shorts and tank top before letting the night drag her under as well.

She burrows herself into the warm, soft sheets, groaning when the first beams of sunlight peak through the light curtains. She rubs the remainders of sleep from her eyes, immediately recognizing the terrible burn of a headache. She feels like her body was hit by a truck, the horrible feeling only momentarily being overridden by the gorgeous view peeking through the windows. The vivid light extends across a rosy sky, giving the horizon this almost magical glow. She closes her eyes regardless, her hand laying across her forehead as she wishes the horrific pounding away.

The memory of her friend sleeping a few rooms away is what eventually gets her to roll out of the comfort of her bed, picking out a lazy outfit with the utmost difficulty. She settles on a pair of old jeans and a black tanktop, revealing her bra on both sides. She gets rid of the lingering smell of alcohol on her breath by brushing her teeth for a solid eight minutes, pulling her hair up into a messy bun on the top of her head.

She figures she’ll already get the coffee and some breakfast ready for when her friend wakes up somewhere in the next hour or so. Walking down the stairs, she’s once again confronted by the silence coming from downstairs. She always envisioned herself to have at _least_ three kids by the age of thirty—the only way she’d be waken up would be by a bunch of kids jumping on her bed, her day filled with playtime and naps and sounds of laughter and cries. She never imagined this type of quietness at thirty-five.

Rounding the corner to her kitchen, the first thing that catches her eye is an already used coffee cup standing next to the machine. She looks around for any sign of her friend downstairs, but the room appears to be completely empty aside from her own presence. Taking a few more steps towards the large sliding doors of her patio, she feels her heart hammering painfully against her chest. As if the headache she’s battling isn’t bad enough, she now feels the uncomfortable pressure on her chest as she takes in the sight in front of her. Chelsea seems to have beaten her to waking up for once, and she watches the woman in easy conversation with Blake.

Throughout her hungover state, she completely forgot about how _he_ would be here too. Staying true to his word, and starting incredibly early again, he must’ve accidently ran into her friend. She can’t help but feel a little jealous by the way Chelsea seems so comfortable around him already, the sound of her laughter being heard all the way inside. Gwen’s eyes widen when she watches Chelsea initiate physical contact, her hand not at all afraid when it sprays across Blake’s bicep.

She realizes she hasn’t spoken a word about her attraction to Blake, realizing there’s also zero reason for her friend _not_ to flirt with Blake. She would laugh if things weren’t so damn complicated, but she can barely breathe for some reason. Her feet seem glued to the floor, unable to look away from the strange interaction playing out in front of her. Her eyes don’t advert away from the couple until she witnesses Blake’s hand touching Chelsea’s arm after showing her that charming smile she’s gotten so wrapped up in. She knows it’s crazy, but for some reason she hoped he’d reserve that smile for her and her alone.

She walks into the kitchen again, making herself a cup of coffee and holding it between her palms. She remembers the moment a week ago, where she dumbly spilled coffee all over her hands and the way it felt to have Blake touching her skin, no matter how innocently. Closing her eyes, she wills the memory out of her head, wishing she could forget about him altogether.

She’s momentarily forgetting about her headache, until the sound of Chelsea’s loud voice snaps her out of her thoughts. Her friend is smiling widely as she approaches Gwen, her body leaning over the counter as she motions for Gwen to come forward, as if she’s ready to spill a secret.

“What?” Gwen asks, and she feels bad for how annoyed she sounds already, knowing it’s not fair.

“Gwen, why the hell didn’t you tell me you had such a hot constructer guy working in your house?”

Swallowing roughly, Gwen takes a sip of her coffee. “He’s not working in my house.”

“Your premises.” Chelsea corrects with a roll of her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“He works for me, Chels, that’s _so_ not where my mind is at.”

The lie escapes her with way too much ease, but for once she’s grateful that it does.

“Well, he doesn’t work for _me_.” Her friend says suggestively, smirking. “Maybe he and I can work together sometime.”

Gwen forces a smile on her lips, though it comes out more like a painful grin. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m serious Gwen, that guy is hot. Plus, he’s funny and charming as hell.”

“You can’t sleep with him.” Gwen stresses. “I’m serious, Chelsea.”

She can’t believe this is a conversation she’s seriously having, her life feeling like a horrible rom-com lately. She feels herself freeze up a little, her posture becoming tense and panicked. There’s no way she can convince her friend to back off without giving some more context.

Chelsea’s eyes widen and she knows her secret is on the line immediately.

“Oh my god!” The woman exclaims, nearly bending over the counter now. “You like him.”

Gwen shakes her head furiously, not ready to admit it just yet.

“I don’t, and Jesus Christ, please lower your voice.” Gwen forces out between gritted teeth. “This has nothing to do with me. I just don’t want anything to become weird, so if you could wait until he’s at least done working here, that would be great.”

The words don’t come out convincing at all, the panic in her voice palpable. She doesn’t know whether her friend just figured it out on her own, or if she’s just so confused she decides to let it go, because she’s met with a slight shrug and then a nod.

“Fine.” Her friend concedes. “I didn’t realize it was such a big deal to you.”

Gwen feels like the biggest jerk in the world for reacting the way she did, especially considering her friend’s more than understanding reaction. She clears her throat, reaching her hand out for Chelsea’s arms.

“I’m sorry, I’m just— “

“No more apologies, Gwen. It’s fine, I mean that.” Chelsea interrupts. “But we need to get you out more, I’m done seeing you so down and lonely. Next time…. we’re going out and it’s not fucking allowed to come back without a companion.”

Chelsea’s words imply that maybe her secret is still safe—either that, or her she’s just trying to taunt Gwen into admitting what she already knows. If it’s the latter, Gwen doesn’t take the bait. She smiles widely, walking around the counter and pressing her friend in for a tight hug.

“I love you so much, you know that, right?” Gwen whispers softly.

“I love you too, homegirl.”

She walks her friend out afterwards, promising to meet up again soon. She’s tugged into another hug and she realizes how worried her friends have been ever since her life exploded in her face. She makes a promise to herself then, that she needs to carve out more time for them, needs to stop hiding herself away in the way that she’s done for months. Watching Chelsea back out of her driveway fills her with a feeling of sadness—not realizing how much she needed last night until now.

She’s about to head back inside when she remembers Blake being out there. It takes nothing for the surge of jealousy and confusion to hit her body like a wave again, and before she knows it, her feet are taking her out to where she knows he’s working. Her chest is still under pressure and her headache is still making it hard to focus on anything else, but she can’t stop herself even if she wanted to.

“Blake.” She calls for him when she’s close enough for him to hear.

He looks up at the sound of her voice, that smile appearing back on his face automatically. He stands still until she stops right in front of him, her heart hammering, but her voice much steadier than she feels.

“When I told you to keep it professional, I didn’t mean start flirting with my best friend.”

The moment she delivers the words, Blake’s smile fades and makes room for a darker expression. It’s one she hasn’t seen from him yet, his confidence and good mood never truly allowing for her words to get under his skin. This time, it seems like that’s _exactly_ where they settled, deep and securely underneath his tempting skin.

“Excuse me?” He drawls lowly, eyes a shade darker.

“You can’t— “

“That wasn’t your cue to start talking.” He shuts her up effectively, and while she normally would’ve protested his tone, she stops talking immediately. “I don’t care about what you think of me, or my lifestyle, but I’ll be damned if I let you stand here and accuse me of being unprofessional. Your friend approached _me_ and I was just being friendly. If you have a problem with that, you need to find someone else to finish the job here.”

She’s sure he can hear her sharp intake of breath, the adrenaline sizzling through her every cell, tingling in her fingertips.

“I didn’t mean to call you unprofessional...”

“That’s funny, cause that’s exactly what came out of your mouth.”

“Do you ever just shut up and listen?” She spits out, her breath once again hitching in her throat when she realizes how angrily the words escaped her.

Blake frowns, but her words do seem to quiet him. He looks at her expectantly then, and she wishes she could be so comfortable in the midst of tension. It’s like he’s waiting for her to say something, and she clears her throat so she can get her next words out.

“I didn’t mean for the words to come out that way.” She refers to her earlier outburst. “I just want to make sure you can keep working here without the added complications.”

He looks at her sideways, taking another step towards her.

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me. Can we?”

All her senses are on overload, the thoughts in her mind mixing with the headache still sending shockwaves of pain through her body. She tries to focus on one thought, but they all blur and dissipate into another one, melting her brain into one big puddle of mush. Blake’s proximity does nothing to help her either, her eyes closing painfully tight before she does something she’ll never be able to take back.

She only gets to see his look of wonder for a second before she’s cupping his cheeks and crushing her lips against his, hard. There’s a soft noise escaping his mouth at the impact, but she doesn’t let it deter her. Her hands move to his hair, gripping him there tightly, moaning when he bites her lip in an effort to get the upper hand. There’s nothing soft or gentle about what they’re doing and it’s exactly what she needs.

His hand is flirting along her side, knuckles teasing the bare skin exposed by her tanktop. She rocks her hips, trying to relieve some of the building pressure between them with a grind of friction. They both moan, the sound reverberating from his mouth through her lips, disintegrating like drug into her bloodstream. He moves her back against the patio wall and she goes willingly, wrapping her legs around his waist the moment her back collides with the cold stone.

She’s grateful for her large, gated residential once again, not having to worry about a lack of privacy here. She’s not sure she would care even if there was a chance of being spotted.

“Blake.” She moans as his hand ventures upwards, cupping her breast. Her head drops back against the wall, her hand covering his and squeezing in approval. 

She’s never felt this desperate for another man’s touch, but she can’t stop wishing all her layers of clothing away.

“You’re killing me.” He whispers roughly against her cheek, dipping down to the hollow of her throat. The meaning of his words are clear. She _is_ killing him. She’s unable to hide her deep want for a guy she can’t even look in the eye when he comes in, in the morning. She wants to let him in, but also spends all her nights building bigger and stronger walls to try and keep him out. Blake has already accepted the challenge though, even if it kills him in the end.

His teeth graze her sensitive skin on her neck, making her feel the raging war in his own head without using his words. The desperate urge to release the keening noise on the tip of her tongue nearly prevails before she rolls her hips just right, causing him to stutter in the ministrations of his mouth.

“You want this bad, don’t you?” He mumbles against her throat, before scaling her neck with his mouth again, nipping at her jaw.

She can’t get herself to say the words, so instead she yanks at the denim jacket covering his broad shoulders, until it hits the patio. She slips her hands beneath the fabric of his shirt, humming into the kiss he fuses to her mouth. His skin is hot under her hands, muscles jumping beneath her palms, the blades of his shoulders shifting under the exploration of her fingers.

Her nails pierce bare skin as he skates his fingers up her inner thighs, her eyes fluttering closed. She realizes they’re still outside, but her mind is unable to focus on anything but the burn of his hand on her thigh, venturing higher as his mouth keeps hers occupied.

“Just let me have you here.” She gaps, her lungs contracting with the need for a deep breath. But she can’t manage it, she can barely manage to keep her grasp on reality. “Fuck me here.”

Blake buries his face in the crook of her neck again, and she can feel his chuckle vibrating against her skin there. She already practically climbed his body, but now his hands hold onto her hips, holding her in place. He looks up from where he’s still marking her skin, locking with her own heated gaze.

“Answer my question.” He husks, pressing her even further against the wall.

She whimpers, her throat tightening in the same way the rest of her body does. She’s suddenly filled with the fear of Blake putting the brakes on this, of him coming to his senses before she does, leaving her with this ache and need. Filled with desperation.

“Don’t play with me.” She says instead, trying to roll her hips again.

Realizing the advantage she has in this position, he lowers her feet back on the ground, his body continuing to hover over her. Her hands try to find the right grip so she can hoist herself up once more, but Blake effectively gets rid of all space between them, making it impossible for her to jump up and hook her legs around his waist again.

“Answer me.”

She closes her eyes, knowing he’s pushing for her to say what they both already know. She can’t hate him more for it in this moment.

“Don’t do this now, not fucking now.” She whispers roughly, trying to keep breathing.

“Definitely now.” He retorts, licking a stripe up her neck, causing her legs to buckle. There’s no way she wouldn’t have collapsed if it weren’t for Blake’s hand now resting on her sides.

“I want this.”

“You want what?” He pushes, and she feels the overwhelming urge to slap him. “Do you want _me_ or do you want this with anyone?”

Her throat dries up at his question, knowing that if she gives him the answer he wants, there’s no way she can deny her confusing feelings for him anymore. It’s no longer about her being lonely and craving intimacy, it then becomes about him, about _them_.

“Blake.” She warns.

He manoeuvres a hand between them and she doesn’t have enough time to suck in a necessary breath before he’s cupping her into his palm. She chokes on his name, raising one of her hands to his hair to weave her fingers though his curls, trying to anchor herself.

“Oh my god.” She whimpers.

She’s sure he can feel how turned on she is even through the fabric of her jeans, and she’s torn between the need to cry or plead, her body feeling like it’s on the verge of exploding already.

“You’re soaked.” He grins, applying pressure and chuckling when she bucks up at him.

“Then do something about it.”

He must realize she’s not about to say the words he’s waiting for, and though she wants nothing more than for Blake to strip her of her clothes and fuck her right here against the wall, she bites back any sort of vocal reaction when he retracts his hand from her center.

“How about we stop right here….” He whispers against her ear, before lightly sucking on her lobe. “And you can spend the rest of the night wondering about what _could’ve_ happened, how it would’ve felt if I slid into you right here.”

This time she _does_ whimper at his words, a shaky breath escaping her lips. He brushes her lips with his again, but pulls back before she can deepen the kiss, continuing his teasing words.

“I know what you want Gwen, but you won’t say it, and I don’t sleep with women who can’t even tell me they want me. So how about this, you get an extra night to work up the courage and then tomorrow you can tell me what we both already know.”

She swallows loudly, finally opening her eyes to look at him, his blue eyes now almost a shade of black, the look on his face as mischievous as its honest.

“What makes you so sure I’ll have another answer for you tomorrow.”

He smiles widely, his hand disappearing between her legs again, her gasp a steady thing once more.

“Because I’m pretty sure you don’t get this wet for just anybody.” He drawls teasingly, and she nearly sobs at the contact there. “And I think you’re beyond desperate for me to finish what I started.”

Gwen tries to swallow past the bile in her throat, but she can’t even seem to breath properly. Everything goes super quickly then; Blake stepping away from her, the outside air finally allowed to hit her chest again and sending cold chills through her immediately, his body bending down to scoop his jacket from the floor, his way too calm voice speaking some sort of goodbye to her, her eyes tearing up when she realizes how futile this fight is that she started on her own.

She brings her hand to her lip, tracing the places Blake’s mouth has been, while shuddering at the feeling of her soaked panties and weak legs. Her breathing is still a bit laboured and she realizes she doesn’t even remember if she said bye to Blake just now. The patio is back to being empty again, the feeling even worse than before.

She thinks back to Blake’s proposition and hates how she already knows he’s right. She _will_ tell him the truth tomorrow, even if it kills her. She’ll spend the whole upcoming night wondering what it would’ve been like if he’d fucked her instead of left, if he had watched her fall apart instead of watching her struggle to keep her composure. She also knows she’ll get another chance tomorrow and that thought has her insides tightening as if Blake was still there touching her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More smut, folks. As always, this story will be a rollercoaster so stay tuned.

She comes home much earlier today, but she won’t admit to anyone—not even to herself—why that is. It’s easy to spot him from the moment the large silver gate opens to let her in, the car driving up the driveway so slowly, she hears every piece of gravel underneath her tire crushing one by one. The slow pace gives her even more time to take him in, his outfit much of the same as yesterday; jeans and a fitted black shirt, only this time he didn’t bother with the jacket. It makes sense, the weather here often times doesn’t demand it.

Last night had been hell, as she figured it would be. She remembered every detail of how it felt to kiss him, to have him so close. She remembers the passionate way in which he spoke to her, and the other side of passion that bordered on anger when she accused him of being unprofessional. It had felt strangely satisfying to see him lose his cool just a little bit, bringing out a different side of him; one that made it easier for her to see him as a human being, instead of some sort of perfect, untouchable character.

She remembers the way he’d talked to her friend yesterday, with so much ease and charisma. She also remembers the sound of his laugh penetrating the window, his laughter seemingly coming from some deep place within him. A sound that stirs a steady fire in her belly every time she hears it, creating a sizzling heat throughout the entirety of her body.

Putting her car in park, she finally exits the vehicle. The sun is warm on her skin, getting out of the office earlier than normal making it possible for her to enjoy the last beams of sun the day has to offer. She tries her best to act normal, to not sprint and hide inside the house, but the images of yesterday keep taunting her. She still feels like she’s walking on a wire, her whole body continuing to strum with an uncomfortable ache. She envisions Blake’s smirk if he could somehow read how she felt exactly, the physical aftermath of their make out still so prominent on her skin, in her body.

She’s grateful for her phone once again, as it starts ringing in the middle of her thoughts. Unlocking the device with skilled fingers, she holds it up to her ear in gratitude. The feeling doesn’t last long unfortunately, the voice on the other end of the line promising nothing good.

“Manny, what’s wrong?” Gwen asks worriedly.

Emanuel is her co-founder, slash best friend. They talk all the time in private, but whenever he calls her on her work phone, after she left the office, it’s always to talk about a project being shot to hell or a deal falling through. It’s never anything positive and the tone of his voice doesn’t suggest this becoming the exception to that rule.

“Darling, we need to talk.” His kind voice shares carefully, which causes Gwen to hum softly, encouraging him to get on with it already. “The sales on our latest endeavour have gone down tremendously and we haven’t seen much of the usual positive reviews our brand generates.”

“I need you to be very clear with me right now.” She orders while sitting down at the counter, one of her elbows pressing into the marble. “I know you know what the reason for that is, so please just give it to me straight.”

“It’s the theme of the current project.”

For a second, Gwen is confused. They had always done themes for the different types of styles they’d showcase, the different seasons even. Gwen has always been incredibly visual, and it’s been that exact thing that had drawn fans to her work for all these years. Out of all the choices she made, theming her current batch of designs ‘Love’ seemed to be one of the safest ones so far.

“Gwen sweetheart, your current reputation just doesn’t align with what we’re trying to sell. People aren’t buying it. _Literally_.”

Gwen shakes her head, in disbelief over what she’s hearing.

“What are you talking about? I’ve always been the biggest advocate for spreading love.”

“You also just came out of a divorce, after one of the worst cheating scandals. All people hear about right now is your heartbreak, but you’re trying to sell the opposite? I don’t think people find it very genuine, Gwen. Fans feel those kinds of things.”

She swallows roughly, her eyes watering. “So what should I do? Because I’m really not interested in selling a campaign that’s all about sadness and despair. If that could be something I feel everywhere _but_ in my work, that would be great.”

“No one is saying that, Gwen.” Manny states softly. “But I think we need to rethink our strategy. We’ll see this one through, but I don’t think we should wait with introducing the next campaign as soon as this one ends. We can handle a few slow months, but we can’t handle a faux reputation that will cost us years of down sales.”

Another wave of exhaustion hits, the bitter feeling towards her ex-husband spreading fast throughout her chest. Not only did he throw her whole life upside down, he even managed to interfere with her work with his cheating ways.

“Thanks for letting me know.” She whispers.

She can tell her friend, and co-worker, hears the sadness in her voice and he addresses it precisely. “It’s gonna be fine, darling. Just take some time to come up with something else—knowing you, that won’t be too hard. We’ll fix this.”

Gwen nods, wiping a stray tear away with a quickness that surprises her.

“Thank you.” She says again, disconnecting the line after one last piece of encouragement.

She stares out of the window, trying hard not break down. It’s easy to feel discouraged by the many curveballs life throws at her, but it’s even easier to let it win completely. She can live with some discouragement, she has battled that her whole life, but she can’t deal with the thought of giving up. When those thoughts start flooding her brain, she gets up and makes a single cup of coffee before walking outside.

Blake disappears into the studio right as she walks up, the place continuing to improve with each minute he spends there. Walking inside, she realizes this is exactly what she needs right now. The whole space is pretty much decorated, all the furniture standing. The only thing left to do is buy the matching chairs for the table, and painting the walls and ceiling, which she can tell Blake has just gotten to. He looks at her for a moment, his smile the only thing that acknowledges her presence.

Without saying anything, she sits down on the table, watching as Blake applies another layer of paint on the bottom corner of the wall. His tall frame is now crouched down on the floor, his teeth biting down onto his lip.

“Can I ask you something?” Gwen asks, keeping her gaze on the table lamp standing next to her.

“Sure.” Blake hums, keeping his eyes focused on the wall.

“You ever had your heart broken?”

He lets out a scoff, briefly locking eyes with her. “Life breaks your heart all the time. That’s literally what the human experience is all about.”

Gwen is surprised by the negative sentiment leaving his mouth, not used to anything but his boyish views and everlasting optimism.

“It shouldn’t be.”

“Of course it should be.” He retorts, dipping the brush into the large white bucket of paint. “It’s the thing that keeps us going, the thing that inspires us to look for better things, more beautiful things.”

Gwen lets out a sigh. “You make it sound like heartbreak is beautiful.”

“I make it sound like something beautiful can come out of heartbreak.”

She nods, unable to look at him while she makes sense of what she feels. She decides to let him in on a part of her life, then. Needing someone to talk to about this, someone who wouldn’t judge her.

“I just got a call from my friend, saying our current fashion line isn’t selling. I wanted to spread some positivity and dedicate this line to love, the pretty sides of it, but apparently, it doesn’t feel believable coming from _me_.” The last part of her sentence comes out paired with a bitter chuckle.

“There are many more positive things in life than just love, Gwen.” Blake replies.

“I don’t feel it.” She chuckles.

She notices Blake has stopped painting for a second, his head popped up on his hand, a soft wink being sent her way when she locks their gazes again. She feels herself blush slightly, already hanging on his lips without him even uttering a word.

“I actually don’t believe that.”

She scoffs, smiling. “Of course you don’t.”

“No hear me out.” He chuckles, resuming his work on the wall while talking. “Whenever you’re home early in the morning, I see you lay down on the grass to witness the sunrise. You seem completely in awe of what you see, despite it being the same every morning.”

“Definitely not the same.” She muses softly, but keeping quiet besides that.

“Alright, maybe not the same, but equally as impressive each time?” She nods, waiting for Blake to bring his point home. “You enjoy the beauty the world offers you, that’s love too. The feeling you get when you don’t have anything to do but let the sun kiss your skin, _that’s_ positivity. It’s empowerment.”

She bites her lip, shaking her head in slight disbelief. Maybe she has underestimated this man even worse than she’s been aware of. His outlook on life, on love, suddenly seems to go much beyond her understanding. She feels herself grow more attached to him on the spot.

“And before you ask…” He looks up again, smiling before delivering his next words. “My dad did _not_ teach me that. This ole country boy figured that out all on his own.”

That horrifying embarrassment comes creeping up again, as she closes her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I never should’ve said that.”

Blake lets out a laugh while tidying up the bottom corner of the wall with the last stripe of white.

“It was quite funny.”

“It was not funny at all.”

He shrugs. “I mean, not everyone can have my amazing sense of humour. It takes years to perfect it.”

She rolls her eyes, grinning like an idiot. “You wanna know what’s _really_ not funny?”

“What?” He asks.

“The fact that your little speech just now gave me a new business idea.” She admits, feeling her chest tighten again underneath Blake’s stare. “Empowerment. Your description of it—it’s amazing and it’s exactly what I need. It’s what people _would_ believe coming from me.”

His eyes widen, his legs pushing him off the ground while disregarding the paint brush on the foldable stool behind him. He dramatizes the next look of awe on his face, pointing his index finger towards his chest.

“You’re telling me I just figured out the next theme for your clothing line?” He walks a little closer to her, that cocky grin engraved on his lips. “I think that’s gonna cost you at least forty percent.”

“Me expressing my gratitude isn’t enough for you?” She teases in return.

“You really think you can be nice to me?”

“Shut up.” She whispers, looking back at the ground and curving her lips at the sound of his low chuckle.

“That’s what I thought.” He says, starting to walk back towards where the paint-stained brush lays untouched, and she realizes how she’s keeping him from work he’s doing for her. She can’t get herself to care enough to stop from reaching out to him again.

“Blake?”

He hums and turns around. “Yeah?”

“I want you.”

She waits a few seconds for the words to settle, his eyes gaining that familiar sparkle again. He stays quiet, not even a sound of satisfaction or confidence spilling over his lips, but he does walk a bit closer to her again. When he cocks his head to the side, squinting at her, she forces more words out. “I don’t just want anyone, you were right. I don’t know what this means, or why I feel it so strongly, but I want you. Now.”

The way he licks his lips makes her want to reach out and touch him there, but she doesn’t dare to move.

“Right here?” He asks lowly.

Her throat dries up instantly, something she should be used to when she’s around him. She only nods, not thinking the sentiment needs any more explaining. When he roughly pulls her into him, she knows she was right.

His mouth is back on hers and it’s just as good as the first time, if not better. Yesterday was a shock, in every sense of the word, but today, she’s prepared. Her lips open for him immediately, his tongue deliciously stroking against hers. He flips them around so her back is pressing against the wall, his fingers working on her blouse and bra, disregarding both with a quickness laced in determination. She’s desperate in the way she tugs them both towards the ground, pulling his body on top of hers. She knows they must be ruining the part of the wall he’d just started painting, but with the way his hands are roaming her sides and his lips are on her neck, she couldn’t possibly care less.

Somewhere throughout their rough making out, he manages at getting her jeans unfastened and down her thighs. It’s impossible not to halt their movements in favour of getting her jeans off completely, and she sighs in relief when they get the tedious task done. Her arms are back to pulling him on top of her, loving the way his body covers hers.

He hooks his thumb around the strip of her underwear, tugging it to the side and grazing his fingers though her dripping arousal between her legs. She nearly sobs as he circles her clit, taking a shitload of time before he finally glides over her entrance.

“Oh, fuck, _please_.” She gasps, clinging to him tightly and begging pathetically. But he’s running his thumb over her clit with just the right amount of force, unwilling to go her pace. She feels actual tears in her eyes by the time he slides a finger into her, first one, then two. He takes his time and she’s always known that his hands held a special type of magic.

Gwen tightens an arm around his neck, her spine bowing forward. The walls of her body are clutching around him with every plunge of his fingers so deep inside her.

“Yes honey.” He whispers confidently against her cheek. “Like that.”

She’s grinding into his palm with every sink of her hips, soaking his hand in arousal. Gwen moves up to catch his lobe between her teeth, lapping her tongue over the shell and feeling him curse into her cheek.

“Is this what you did to yourself after I left last night? A finger right here….” He demonstrates softly by emphasizing the press of his finger against her slick wall. “Or did you go straight for two, you must’ve been so needy, so ready last night.”

“Blake, _pl_ —” She’s unable to get the full plea out, the slight twist of his fingers making her whimper.

“What was that?” Blake asks with a low laugh right against her mouth.

“Please.” She whispers.

The coil in her abdomen twists tighter, the fiery sear of release burning brighter as it’s on the verge of combusting. Blake curls his fingers and she chokes out a sob into his shoulder. Her hips stutter, her rhythm falling apart even though it doesn’t mess with his. The work of his fingers and his mouth at her jaw is what unravels her.

“There you go, come for me.” He orders, his voice all rough, manly and dominant now.

The spill of her orgasm has her crumbling in his arms, his voice speaking soft encouragements against her temple.

Her body crackles and sparks with the current electricity coursing through her veins. White flashes and shooting stars is all she sees behind her closed eyelids. She feels weightless, trembling with aftershocks and she doesn’t want the sensations to stop. For once, she wants to give herself over to it. Completely.

She unwinds her fingers from his hair, soothing over the spots where she probably yanked too hard, but Blake doesn’t seem to mind. His forehead is a breath away from hers.

“You’re gorgeous.” He mumbles and her cheeks flush unexpectedly.

Gwen brushes her mouth over his in a way that’s much too vulnerable, which she quickly corrects by kissing him in earnest. She knows he won’t go there without her specifically asking for it, but there’s no way she’s going to let him stop now. She wipes the fear from her mind with the fit of her hips into his, the hard press of him between her legs.

“Fuck me.” She breathes, the words spoken right against his lips. “I want you so bad, Blake.”

Gwen pushes the shirt from his shoulders, ignoring the two buttons she left clasped. He quickly undoes them for her, shrugging his shirt off. He tosses it somewhere behind him, while returning to her mouth. She works to unzip his pants, slipping a hand inside.

“Gwen.” He grunts into her mouth, catching her wrist as she palms him through his boxers. He uses his grip on her wrist to force her hand away, pinning it above her head. She’s only vaguely aware of her hand grazing the wall he’d just started painting, but she can’t get herself to care. He uses his free hand to drag the boxers past his hips, manoeuvring them down and shaking them from his ankle.

Before she even knows what’s happening, he’s guiding himself inside her. Her legs fold at his waist, taking him in as deeply as possible.

He presses so deep, filling her so completely, she thinks she could cry. She doesn’t have to ask, Blake is already withdrawing just far enough to glide back in, smooth and effortless. She’s not surprised by his ability to build an amazing rhythm without even trying. She digs her nails into his shoulder, fighting the urge to sink her teeth in there.

Blake bends his head down to pepper his mouth to her sternum. Her voice breaks on a keen as his tongue laves over a nipple before his mouth closes around the tip of her breast. He worships her chest, all the while continuing to thrust into her without faltering. It’s by far the most intense sexual experience she’s ever had, her body struggling to keep up with him in the best way. By the time he finally moves up and kisses her again, she’s breathless and panting.

“Fuck.” She hisses at a particularly hard thrust. “Don’t stop.”

One of his hands slide down her thighs, pushing until she opens up for him even more. He takes the new position to slide even deeper, her breath hitching. She’s unable to think about anything but the pleasure he brings alive, the only words she remembers are his name and various pleas.

Her hands scramble for purchase at his back and he growls, catching the stretch of skin just below her jaw with his teeth.

“You’re going to make me bleed.” He mumbles, nipping at the racing beat of her pulse. But he doesn’t sound upset by the fact that she just might. He soothes the sting across her flesh with his tongue, until she’s writhing beneath him.

Gwen clenches around him, feeling his chest hitch against hers.

“Or you might just kill me altogether.” He groans, rolling his hips. His strokes are shallow and hard now, and Gwen can feel her body crashing into another mindblowing orgasm.

“You’ll be fine.” She pants, turning her head to seek his mouth. Words are forgotten as she matches the stroke of his tongue, rocking her body into his with earnest.

She twists her hips beneath him, a quick and dirty move that has him sliding impossibly further inside her. In a lot of ways, he’s pushing her way past her limit, her body accommodating to him in every way. Yet, there has never been a more selfless lover than him. He drives into her harder, kissing her until their rhythm begins to grow sloppy.

“Make me come again.” She orders breathy, marking his skin with the knife shaped imprint of her nails. Waves of arousal begin to ripple out from between them, rhythmic pulsing that sears with every beat. Blake snatches one of her hands from his back, pinning it above her head and tangling their fingers. She grips his hand like a lifeline, not even caring about feeling the wetness of the barely dried paint on the back of her fingers.

He has to be close, throbbing and aching inside of her. He’s a breath away from tipping over the precipice of release like she is, which is what eventually gets her to let go again. The tension explodes all the way down her spine and Gwen digs her heels into his lower back to keep the feeling close. Her heart is beating too fast, galloping in her chest barely able to keep up with the release of her climax.

“Fuck Blake, that’s it.” She cries, throwing her head back. “I’m coming.”

She’s pretty sure he’s watching her, as he wouldn’t want to miss the moment she falls apart around him. The rhythm of his thrusts collapses into an agonizing drag of his hips over hers. A muffled cry slips past her lips, a whimper pressed into his cheek. Their palms are slick and sliding with sweat, but she holds onto the lace of his fingers as she shatters.

She’s just in time to watch Blake succumb to the pleasure as well, the sound of her name leaving his lips as he comes the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard. The desperate squeeze of her hand and tremble of his body emphasizes his climax, before he lets go of her hands.

She takes the opportunity to furrow her fingers though his hair, cupping the back of his neck in her palm. The vestiges of pleasure still lick through her senses, lapping like waves to a shoreline. She can feel Blake sucking in a breath against her shoulder, his lips pressing to the curve of her bone.

“Jesus Christ.” He exclaims roughly.

“We fucked up the wall.”

Her eyes drift up to their hands, messy lines of white paint staining the back of it. Blake meets the line of her vision, chuckling.

“It was worth it.”

“ _Hmmmm_.” She hums, softly agreeing.

Her eyes close again, a blissed out smile across her lips. She doesn’t remember ever feeling like this after having sex, the intimacy she shared with him in this moment going far beyond the rough fucking they just did. She doesn’t know what to make of that, and so she does what she’s so used to doing—pushing it away.

"I'll fix it up." She hears him say, referring to the wall.

She feels him brushing the strands of hair back from her forehead, a whimper escaping her when he softly pulls out of her.

“I would invite you over for dinner or something, but I already have plans for tonight and— “

“Don’t worry about it.” Blake smiles, his body still covering hers, despite no longer being joined together. “Though I’m _definitely_ expecting a dinner invitation one of these days.”

She looks at him a bit flushed, suddenly feeling that familiar sensation of fear and embarrassment filling her.

“I’m joking.” He adds, his finger tracing the sharp edge of her jawline. “You can continue to keep running for as long as you want and I’ll just pretend like you’re not completely transparent. How’s that?”

She pushes his finger away from her face, taking a deep breath. “Are you literally _always_ this forward?”

His cocky grin comes back. “Girls secretly love that.”

She shakes her head, carefully finding her footing and pushing him back a little. She stands up on shaky legs, still feeling wobbly from the aftermath of their lovemaking. She steps back into her jeans, tugging them over her hips, zipping herself back up.

“Are you really talking about other girls right after we fucked?”

He stands up now too, his own jeans back on in the next thirty seconds. He’s buttoning his shirt back up when he catches her staring.

“Are you jealous already?” He retorts.

“Good to know this thing didn’t change anything between us.”

Her eyes scan over the finally dried paint that now holds the impression of their hands brushing past it. She rakes a hand through her hair, slightly jumping when Blake’s arm slides across her waist from behind.

“Hey Gwen?” He murmurs softly and she hates how his touch immediately renders her powerless, her chest sinking further against his back.

“What?” She asks, and her voice doesn’t sound nearly as steady as she hoped.

Blake chuckles.

“You’re the only one I’m doing this with. No one else. You can do with that what you will, but I need you to know that.”

His arm disappears from her waist, her body turning around to face him. One moment, she just wishes she could feel what it felt like to be so fearless, so open. Instead, she stands before him with anything but confidence, her figurative walls shattered when he invaded her literal ones, and she has no idea how to keep this man out any longer.

“I don’t know what to do with that.”

“Just like everything else, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

The ball is in her court and as much as she thought she craved this type of control, she hates every second of it. She’s used to being the one to ask for love, for effort. Never has _she_ been the one who needed to give more. Never has she been the one to hold someone’s heart in her hands, given the full control to take care of it or shatter it. She thought being the one to always give would eventually kill her, but it was much more unnerving to be on the other side of the conversation.

She just hopes she can be as good of a person as people make her out to be.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter. Don't get mad at Gwen just yet.

For the first time in ages, she feels her body filled with something else besides sorrow. It’s not much yet, but there’s definite excitement that sometimes doesn’t get drowned out by fear. When she allows herself to just feel for a second, she can remember the way it felt to have Blake’s fingertips running down her spine, his tongue in her mouth, and his hardness pressed deeply between her legs. Two days had passed since then and though she found it incredibly hard to do, she managed at keeping her distance.

She knows it’s not what he had hoped for, and truth be told, neither did she. She had hoped for a change of mind, a change of heart, something that would make it easier for her to let him in after letting him have her body. But there hadn’t been a moment where she felt safe to do that yet, the open dinner invitation still on the table. She hoped for the courage to bring it up one of these days, but it hadn’t reached her yet.

She tried not to let Blake’s stares get to her or the way he would read her without too many words. She had quickly realized Blake lets his silences speak for himself, and it was the most unnerving thing. He won’t give her anything more than she’s earned, leaving her empty and disappointed on most days.

That disappointment had led her to the decision she made today. Chelsea had been bugging her for a girl’s night out ever since she left her house three days ago, and she didn’t have the heart to hold it off any longer. Agreeing on going out tomorrow hadn’t even been her biggest revelation, but saying yes to bringing a companion _had_ been. It mortified her at the moment she’d been asked, but something about the sudden increased loneliness of having been with another man again and then be left to her own devices the next day, had made it hard for her to turn the offer down.

Some would say she was crazy for having doubts about this in the first place. Greg worked as the head of the promotional team, and had quickly proven to be the biggest asset to their firm. Not only did he know what he was talking about, but he has the credentials to back it up. He would host a fundraiser at the Hamptons every year, which resulted in more public outings for her company. He’d been born into wealth, to the contrary of her, but he never made her feel it. He was a nice man. Decent. Her parents would call her lucky if they found out she’d been asked out by a guy like that. He wore suits instead of jeans, oxfords instead of trainers—he would show her exactly the kind of world she’s used to, without needing her to take a risk.

She was lucky.

If she had hoped to feel more like it the next day, it proved her wrong.

Standing in front of the large mirror in her walk-in closet, smoothing down the black fabric of her dress, she finds herself still in doubt. She looks good, even she can see that, but it doesn’t feel real. The black pumps make her legs look even longer, the wavy curl of her hair falling perfectly over her shoulders, but the feeling in her heart is still much the same. It’s not all her.

It’s a part of her. The part she lets others see, because it’s expected. She wonders what would happen if she met her date tonight looking the complete opposite; normal jeans instead of a tight black dress, sneakers instead of heels, hair in a bun instead of done to perfection, no make-up instead of Hollywood glam.

She tries not to think about it too much, as she’s afraid of the answer. She also doesn’t want to think too long about the fact that _someone_ did see her that way, and still made her feel desired.

That’s a thought she can’t afford to linger on for too long.

She decided on meeting both her friend and her date at the upscale nightclub itself. The panoramic view of Downtown Los Angeles and the mountains gave her a liberated feeling, that evaporated as soon as she was shown her way through the VIP section. A hand on her waist made her look up as she was about to approach the reserved area, her head whipping up to look straight into Greg’s dark green eyes.

“You made it.” He says loudly, trying to talk over the loud chatter and DJ playing his list of songs for the night.

The sound of his voice is laced with a bit of surprise, and it emphasises just how little she goes out these days. She reaches up to place a kiss on his cheek, before she lets him lead them to where they’re seated.

“Thanks for coming with.”

She hopes the words come out a bit steadier than she feels, and by the way his eyes light up, she’s out of the woods on that one.

Before she knows it, she’s tugged into another hug, this time from her friend. Chelsea’s loud voice reaches her ears as she’s tugged tightly against the woman’s front.

“I’m so happy you’re here, Gwen. I hope you don’t mind I already got started on a few of those...” Her friend holds up a half empty cocktail glass, and Gwen laughs.

“I didn’t expect anything else from you.”

“Good, now let’s get you one of these bad boys.”

Gwen let the hazy club air infuse her body, moving her hips to the sound of the music coming from the speakers. She saw a lot of people sitting down, but that never was her MO whenever she went out. She barely got to do this, barely ever got to enjoy the freedom of pure enjoyment—she wasn’t about to spend her annual night out sitting in a booth, sipping expensive liquor. She could do that at home.

By the time her friend has pressed the second cocktail of the night in her hand, she started to feel the effects of them. She’s always been quite the lightweight, the alcohol quick to rush through her bloodstream, making her feel warm and inhibited inside. Every so often she allows Greg’s hand to settle on her hips, pulling her closer to him as he tries to communicate over their loud surroundings.

“What does a man gotta do to get you to sit down with him, somewhere a bit quieter?”

His gaze on her is sweet, arousal swirling in his eyes, yet there’s not much passion there. It’s nothing like that feeling she so desperately craves. It’s not captivating at all and she doesn’t feel the need to go anywhere with the man just yet.

“We’re dancing.” She states sweetly, leaning into him to ease the sting of her rejection. “I don’t wanna go anywhere quiet.”

“You’re a good dancer.”

Luckily, he doesn’t seem too phased by her rejection. Part of her doesn’t even think he notices. It’s a recurrent thing with these men she’s surrounded by; the ones with status and power. They’re not used to hearing no.

“Do you like to dance, Greg?” Her voice is now definitely holding more than a hint of intoxication. Her brain vaguely registers the slight slurring of her words.

“I do when it’s with you.” His hands tighten on her waist, it’s impossible not to notice and though she’s not sure about where this is going, she doesn’t tell him off.

Maybe it’s the fact that she feels a little bad about so blatantly letting him know of her disinterest earlier. Or maybe she’s passed the point of rational thinking now.

She continues to dance, even with his hands on her waist. It was her way of letting out the tension inside, forgetting about the life that was demanding to be lived outside of this club. There was an unrestrained, non-compliant person that took over whenever she moved to the music. She felt free tonight, even with Greg’s tight grip on her.

“You’re not moving much.” She observes, her eyes widening when she realizes she’s said that out loud.

The look on his face after being called out is one of amusement though, and she can’t help but let out a drunken giggle.

“Alright, let’s change that.”

His body moves impossibly closer to her, the hands on her waist now tugging her towards him. She’s surprised by one of his hands moving up to her face, gripping the nape of her neck. The way he moves forward is familiar and she knows what’s happening, though can’t seem to stop it. He kisses her softly at first, using his tongue to pry her lips open when he realizes she’s not pulling away.

The kiss isn’t super tasteful, and it definitely doesn’t send any sparks flying. He’s slightly aggressive in the way he kisses, which is a contrast to the way he usually acts around her. The taste of his lips is tainted with alcohol and the sticky sweetness of the numerous cocktails they’ve both consumed. She tries to enjoy the kiss for as long as it lasts, but she can’t help but feel a bit relieved when it’s over.

She forces a smile on her face when he looks at her, his hand still on her neck.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night.” He says confidently, holding her gaze.

Something deep inside her stirs painfully as she realizes this is not what she wants. It should be what she wants, but there’s nothing that draws her to him, nothing that makes her want to do _that_ again. Greg is the type of man she should go for, the type of man that could give her what she needs; stability, security, wealth. But for the first time in a long time, it’s not what she wants. It scares her even more when it becomes clear she’s not thinking with her mind right now—she’s feeling with her heart.

She wants to feel again, instead of going on autopilot. She wants to feel desired, instead of chased. She wants to feel love, instead of dependence.

She bites her lip, not wanting to lie to the man in front of her and return the sentiment he just spoke. “You’re a good man.”

There’s obvious disappointment on his face, but she doesn’t stick around long enough to feel bad about it. Forcing herself out of his grip awkwardly, she speaks again.

“I’m gonna find my friend. Another drink?”

To her relief, he shakes his head. “I’m good.”

She nods before taking off, closing her eyes to try and shut out the awkwardness of the situation. She’s beyond grateful to spot Chelsea in the crowd quickly, reaching out for her arm and tugging her closer.

“Chels, I wanna go home.”

“What?” Her friend yells over the music, leaning into her space. “Did you just say you wanted to go home?”

Gwen nods. “I’m tired. And I think I’m slightly drunk.”

“You don’t say.” Chelsea chuckles, looking down at the death grip Gwen has on her upper arm.

“I made a mistake and I need you to get me out of here.”

It takes a while for her friend to respond, her eyes closing again when recognition seems to hit her. “Oh my god, are you talking about Greg right now?”

“Chelsea, please…”

“I thought you two were hitting it off. I mean…the way you were locking lips with him earlier—that was _something_.”

“That _was_ the mistake.” Gwen whispers against her ear. “I don’t even like him. What am I doing?”

“Gwen.” Her friend turns to look her dead in the eye, holding onto both her shoulders. “This is exactly why we’re here. Don’t you remember what we talked about?”

“I did.” Gwen flinches, remembering the conversation they had the night she stayed over at her house. The night she almost gave herself away and admitted to having a crush on Blake. “I just don’t think I’m ready for all this.”

“Again, the way you were sticking your tongue down Greg’s throat showed otherwise.”

“ _Chelsea_!”

“All I’m saying is that it’s okay to have fun, baby! You’re too serious. Loosen up, take him home. Let yourself enjoy the perks of being single.”

Though her friend means well, there’s no way she’ll take her advice tonight. Shaking her head ferociously, Gwen decides to plead her case one last time.

“I let him kiss me and now he wants more, and I’m just not there. I don’t want to make this any more awkward by forcing a weird goodbye situation. Can you just help me get out of here, please?”

“Woah, making out and then sneaking away? Maybe you are onto something, Gwen.”

She can tell she’s not gonna get far with her friend this time, the sparkle in Chelsea’s eyes showing how far gone she is as well, on top of being on this weird mission to make Gwen misbehave.

She throws her hands up. “Fine, I’ll go by myself.”

“Jesus alright, let me just finish this drink and we’ll both call a car. Okay?”

Not wanting to be an even worse buzzkill, she nods. She decides on taking one last drink as well, not wanting to spend the last few moments in this place standing alone, waiting. Somehow it feels like this last cocktail is what does it, bringing her from drunk to completely wasted. She doesn’t even remember how she got into the car hours later, or how she ended up there alone and not with Chelsea.

_Why are u not with me again? Gx_

She sends the text to her friend about twenty minutes later, her body feeling like it’s melting against the leather seat of the car.

_You’re really THAT drunk? Met a guy. He’s hot and we’re going home._

Gwen laughs at that, at least one of them is getting laid tonight. She pushes the phone back into her tiny purse, clutching it close to her body as she lets her head lean against the head rest behind her. Her eyes feel heavy, the alcohol strumming her body until it’s aching.

She barely recognizes her own residential when the Uber pulls up at her driveway, her head a throbbing mess, as are her feet. She lets go of all shame when she reaches down to take off her heels, before the car has even gotten to a full stop. She doesn’t remember how or when she paid the guy, but she knows she must have, or he wouldn’t have taken of. She doesn’t know the time, but by the looks of it, it’s already way passed morning. The first mentions of sun are not appreciated like they usually are and she squints her eyes tightly.

Thank God the pavement of her driveway is smooth underneath her bare feet, and she mentally prepares herself for the small patio steps that are laying ahead. It’s been a while since she drank this much, and it definitely had been a while since she stayed out all night.

The purse hanging on her shoulder feels much heavier than it should, and she can’t wait for the moment she gets to shower the smoky nightclub off and fall into her bed. Her legs continue to prove their instability as she makes her way towards the house, and she almost misses the low whistle directed at her.

She thinks she’s imagining things at first, her head barely capable of making out her whereabouts, but the second time it happens, she forces her head into the direction of the sound.

Blake’s grinning frame is the first thing she sees when she looks to her right, his bubbly and healthy demeanour much the opposite of hers. Her body feels like it’s tied to a million bricks and she can smell the booze and sweat oozing out of her pores.

“Damn.” He murmurs with a smile, walking closer to her until he’s standing right in front of her. “Fun night?”

She brings her fingers to her forehead, rubbing there before looking up at him. The grin on his face makes her annoyed for some reason, as she’s unable to take a breath without hurting all over.

“Blake, what are you doing here?”

His chuckle confuses her, her mind unable to find the fault in her question.

“Just like every other day for the last two weeks, I arrive here at the crack of dawn to finish that beautiful studio of yours, darling.”

It only takes a few seconds for the information to settle, before she feels herself flush with embarrassment. Her eyes flicker back to his and she concentrates on anything else but the soft blue eyes that make her feel so vulnerable, even in her drunken state.

“Blake?” She slurs, only a little.

“Yeah?”

“Unless you want to see me throw up, I need to get inside, like now.”

Her words seem to register in their meaning as he apologizes quickly before getting out of her way. She shoots him a grateful smile, that’s more like a grimace, and she can hear him chuckling softly as she bolts for the door. She’ll probably continue to feel mortified about this moment when she’s a bit more lucid, but for now she focuses on emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet and getting under the warm stream of her shower.

\--

Four hours of sleep wasn’t enough to make her feel any better physically, but at least it had taken away the slurring of her words and inability to walk straight. She tried to turn around once more, but the thought of Blake being there already and the beams of sun poking into her room again, made it impossible for her to catch any more sleep. Thanking God for the weekend that laid ahead and the thought of two more chances at getting some decent sleep in, she manages at getting out of bed and dressed.

By the time she’s made it downstairs, the windows of her house are covered in drops of water, the sky holding a gloomy threat as it’s pouring down. It aligns with her mood, she thinks, but other than that, it’s weird. It doesn’t rain here often and it’s quite coincidental that the day she literally wakes up feeling like death, the sky is unable to keep it dry. From her safe place behind the glass, she watches as Blake hurries to take some supplies inside the studio, his tall frame working with much more speed and hurriedness than she’s used to from him. He catches her staring once, and just smiles while continuing. The next time he makes eye contact, she motions for him to come inside. She knows he’s gotten the hint, so she moves towards the kitchen and makes him a cup of coffee.

They haven’t interacted much since they slipped up and had sex, and she wishes she could say that wasn’t difficult. She wishes she could pretend like it had just felt like the biggest mistake, something she couldn’t wait to forget. But that wasn’t the case and with her luck, Blake was totally aware of that too.

She hears the glass door sliding open and doesn’t even have to look to know Blake’s walking her way. Her hand grabs the coffee cup from underneath the machine before turning to him, holding the steaming liquid out for him to take. He thanks her immediately and she just nods, her throat suddenly unable to provide a sound.

Maybe she should’ve thought this moment through just a little bit more.

When she saw him this morning, she was too drunk to think straight. Barely remembering her own name. Now, despite the hammering hangover, she’s completely lucid.

“I wish I could say you brought the sunshine with you, darlin’.” He drawls humorously, referring to the weather outside.

“Blaming me for the ugly weather? I thought you were supposed to be a gentleman.”

He looks at her smirking, placing his hand over his heart dramatically. “Oh you thought that? I sincerely apologize for deceiving you into thinking such a thing.”

She leans against the counter, watching him.

“If you weren’t so good at what you do, I might’ve had to fire you for lying to me.”

The mention of his work always fills him with obvious pride, the look in his eyes portraying both love and passion for what he does. She’s jealous to see it so purely—making her want to dig deep inside herself and find that same passion for _her_ job, that she knows is still in there.

“I’m glad you’re happy with it.” He replies, taking a sip of his coffee and honing in on the work subject. “Painting is almost done. The ceiling is the hardest part, though.”

Gwen nods. “Can I offer you anything? Something to eat, maybe?”

She feels weird all the sudden, her heart beating fast as she stands before him. She’s still feeling a little woozy. She doesn’t know if it’s from exhaustion, the consequence of her hangover or her situation with Blake.

“Coffee is enough for now, darlin. Thank you.”

He smiles back at her, blowing into the cup between his hands to cool it off faster. She bites her lip, unsure about bringing it up but feeling like it hangs in the air regardless.

“I just want to apologize for the way you saw me this morning.” She says softly, taking a deep breath. “That wasn’t pretty or professional and I completely forgot about you being here.”

She winces at the last part of her admission, but Blake cuts her off before she can backtrack.

“Don’t worry about it, you have nothing to apologize for.”

“It’s just not like me. That’s all.”

Blake straightens his back before looking at her, a smile plastered on his handsome features. He walks a bit closer, squinting his eyes.

“What’s not like you?” He asks, his voice teasing. “Having fun? Cause from what I can remember, that’s a lie if I ever heard one.”

Gwen nearly chokes on her saliva, chest hammering. She’s thankful for the marble counter behind her, her hand seeking out some stability from it by default. It’s the type of blunt statement she should expect from Blake by now, but it still manages to unravel her with a force that’s sickening.

“I’m not…. I didn’t….”

Unable to finish her sentence, Blake chuckles softly. Though she’s glad he can see the humour in this, she’s too ashamed to think much of anything.

“We all get shitfaced sometimes, Gwen. I’d say just enjoy it.”

Though she’s glad he’s brought it back to the subject of her drinking, she still feels a bit lightheaded at his light remark towards what they did together only a few days ago.

“Hangovers and bad decision making—what’s _not_ to love.” She snarls sarcastically.

Taking another step towards her, she notices the narrowing of his eyes again. The look on his face is one of amusement, mixed with genuine curiosity.

“What kind of bad decisions is Miss. Responsible capable of making, huh?” He smiles, ducking his head to not lose eye contact, even when she looks down.

Hearing his words paired with the tone of his voice, only affirms what she already knows. It’s what everyone thinks of her—Chelsea, Greg, her colleagues, Blake. Somewhere along the years, she lost track of that once fun girl she used to be. The worries and cares of the world so heavy on her shoulders, she had no choice but to let them in. It’s not who she wants to be anymore though and Blake’s blatant observation, causes some sort of rebellion to well up inside her.

“I went out with someone. We kissed.”

What seemed like a good idea at the moment, turns into regret pretty fast as she takes in Blake’s face. He doesn’t create any distance between them, his eyes continuing to stare deeply into hers, his features slightly hardening.

If there’s one thing she knows she can always count on, it’s Blake’s ability to talk. His silence is deafening in more ways than one, and she wishes she could reach inside his brain and see all the words he must have lingering in there. She wants to apologize for bringing it up, having had zero good reasons for doing so, but her own mouth won’t produce any words either. She stares at him for a good few minutes, feeling herself wind up beneath his heated gaze.

“Why are you telling me this, Gwen?”

His rough voice doesn’t hide he’s affected by her admission, confusion and something else pooling in his depths.

It’s the question she’s asking herself as well and she doesn’t like any of the answers. Turning away from him, she tries to not let the current situation and dizziness in her head take control of her body. She rushes towards the other side of the counter, grabbing a bottle from the fridge and leaning back against the other side of the countertop. Watching him like a predator, ready to attack if he dared to come too closer.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

She takes a large sip of her water, trying to wash away the regret that pools lowly in her stomach. Blake’s face looks just a little less tense than it did a few minutes ago, and she wonders if he takes joy in her everlasting panic.

“You came home alone. Must not have been that great of a date.”

“Blake, drop it.” She snaps, holding the plastic bottle in front of her with a tight grip.

“You brought it up.”

“And now I’m dropping it.”

He huffs, finally some frustration beginning to show. “It’s been three days and somehow you still haven’t found the nerve to mention what happened between us even once. But for some reason you have _zero_ difficulty telling me you kissed someone else. See my confusion?”

He takes another step towards her, resting his elbows on the counter. She glares at him in warning, and though he doesn’t try to round the counter and close the remaining distance, he seems not at all affected by the daggers in her stare.

“I already said I shouldn’t have told you. I don’t know why I did.”

“Who was the lucky fella?” Blake asks instead, his unwillingness to drop the subject fuelling a quickly escalating annoyance within her.

“Blake— “

“No, I’m seriously curious. Who managed to bore you so much you actually felt safe to go on a date with him?”

She slams the water bottle down on the counter, droplets splashing down onto the surface in front of him.

“Stop doing that.” She growls, her breathing speeding up. “Stop pretending like you know who I am or what I like. You don’t know me.”

His elbows push him off the counter quickly, his face showing nothing but determination as he walks over to her. She holds her hands out as if that will stop him, but instead both arms cage her in against the counter.

“You look beautiful Gwen. You know that?”

Her gaze goes from his arms back to his face, her mouth open in confusion. “What?”

“I’m not gonna fight with you. I don’t want to.” The words roll of his tongue in the simplest manner, the tension from before nowhere in his voice.

“I shouldn’t have told you about him, but you have no right to get jealous. We slept together once, I’m not yours. If you can’t handle that, you shouldn’t be here.”

She expects some anger from him then, but instead she’s met with the same calmness. There’s a restlessness that forms in her heart, an ache that points out her sudden disappointment about his _lack_ of anger.

“Who said anything about jealousy, Gwen?” He looks at her sideways, his arms keeping her trapped between the counter and his chest. “I’m just confused. One day you want me, the next you can barely look me in the eye. I know that’s just the way you roll on most days, but I figured at least _that_ would’ve changed after you jumped my bones.”

“You’re an ass.”

“At least I’m honest.” He throws back at her, tapping the counter with his thumb. “I don’t feel like you owe me exclusivity, but don’t play games with me. Don’t try to make me jealous, don’t pretend like you can’t stand me all the sudden. Let’s be adults about this.”

She shivers out a breath. “Adults?”

“We had sex once. It doesn’t have to be so complicated.”

Gwen huffs, looking at her feet. “Sex _is_ complicated.”

She’s distracted by his arm suddenly leaving the counter, creating space for her to walk away from him. It’s no surprise to her to find herself not taking the opportunity, staying exactly where she is. The freedom of Blake’s arm no longer trapping her in, becomes futile when that exact same hand cups her cheek, his thumb slightly parting her lips.

“Humans are complicated, sex is not.”

She can barely breathe under his light touch, her eyes closing as he keeps tracing the outline of her bottom lip. Her eyes don’t open until his touch completely disappears.

“It can’t happen again.” She says, referring to their lovemaking.

“But it will, won’t it?”

Her eyes look everywhere but at him.

There’s a reason she couldn’t enjoy her evening with Greg yesterday, that went beyond the heartbreak inflected on her by her ex-husband. Her mind is occupied with someone else, her body yearning for someone’s touch in particular. She can’t look him in the eye and be dishonest.

So she keeps her head down when she lies to him.

“It can’t.”


	6. Chapter 6

She relied on her intuition more than many do, and probably more than she should while working as the woman in charge. But insight fails her completely that day she returned to her house. She’d been far too tired to sense anything different about the home she’d left before dawn. There were no goosebumps to offer their warning, no tingle to suggest she’d stumbled upon anything fishy. Her perceptiveness may have been left at the office, or possibly in the far depths of her brain, but she noticed nothing.

Maybe she’d started living in denial a long time before that, not _wanting_ to see any more.

The door had barely locked behind her when she took her shoes off and hung her jacket in the entryway. While she was pretty sure she wanted a drink, she also knew she was way too tired and lacked all energy to pour one. A long day had her shuffling forward until she could fall onto their couch, eyes closed while triggering a cascade of messy memories.

The October evening brought a certain heaviness with it, that she felt everywhere. Though the scenery was this tauntingly perfect day in Southern California, the kind they put on postcards to sucker in the tourists and make other states jealous. It had been nothing like the month of September she’d barely survived due to her husband’s need for constant fighting. They had spent so much time going at each other’s throats, they completely missed out on appreciating the beauty that sunny California largely provided.

Coming home from work an hour earlier than usual was the perfect way to show her husband she still cared, she still wanted to make things work. She expected to be met with enthusiasm as she stepped through the front door.

Her husband hadn’t been expecting to see her.

That much had been clear from the glassy stare Gavin had offered over the naked shoulder of whoever had been invited over _this_ time. The moan of pleasure heard from the woman in his lap was something she hadn’t experienced in a long time. The stranger in their living room hadn’t even had the courtesy to turn around. It didn’t take Gwen long to realize she had lost him then—and if she didn’t, he had certainly lost her. A relationship that had been built upon cocktail hours and dreams had crumbled underneath the weight of the real world. It crumbled underneath the weight of his selfishness.

Whatever had happened in the immediate aftermath of her little interruption, remains blurred. Some primal defence mechanism that keeps her from remembering exactly how awful it was. She remembers the next day though, how Gavin had checked into a hotel and Gwen had begun the search for a divorce lawyer immediately. As amicably as she hoped they could part, regardless of what happened, was crushed once again by a new dose of reality. The positive pregnancy test Gavin and his newfound lover took, was the last thing she needed to come home to after trying to drown herself in work. Their divorce hadn’t yet been finalized the evening he told her, but it had made it easier for her to go through with it.

Sometimes she wonders if she would’ve seen it all the way through, had he not knocked the woman up.

Sure, she’d been freed from a marriage that wouldn’t have made anyone happy, but she still struggles to find the strength to keep going, to keep the outside world from scaring her into retreating to her humble stack. She wants to feel love in the way she always believed in it. She wants to feel what it’s liked to be adored, without immediately feeling like it’s a fleeting moment—like it’s something she needs to distrust.

When she manages to shove the past aside once again, Gwen’s head lolls against the couch pillow, the satisfaction of having two days off from work, the only reason she’s able to relax her tense shoulders. She’d freshened up a bit before falling back into the cushion, her glass of expensive red swirling inside the large wine glass.

She’s still recovering from her wild night out two days ago; if she focuses hard enough, she can still taste the sweet taste of alcohol on her tongue and the last remnants of a headache. It’s like her body isn’t all there yet, and she credits that to her decision to grab her phone and dial _his_ number. Her mind must still be in a daze from that night, or maybe she just feels bad about how she treated Blake before he left her house yesterday.

He picks up on the second dial and a part of her can’t help but wonder if he was expecting her call.

“Look who’s calling.” He drawls lowly, his thick accent accentuated. “Everything okay? This kind of scares me.”

She can hear the laughter in his voice, and though he doesn’t let the sound echo free, it’s enough to get her to roll her eyes.

“Don’t be a jerk. I’ll hang up so fast.”

Now he does chuckle. “I’m glad you’re calling.”

“Dinner.”

“What about it?”

She scratches the top of her head, words not her strong suit in this moment. Blake is gonna make her spell it out—that much she knows—and the courage to pick up the phone doesn’t immediately translate into the courage to speak the words out loud. She knows she’s gonna have to.

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”

It’s silent for a few seconds, the short time he takes to answer her is enough for her to feel the rising panic in her lower belly.

“Not that I can think of. Why?”

Gwen swallows roughly. “I wanna invite you over for dinner tomorrow. I’ll cook, all you gotta do is show up.”

She swears she can hear him smile through the phone, his confident grin so imprinted in her brain, it’s hard to shut it out.

“Are you sure?”

She hums. “It’s the least I could do after what happened yesterday. I just want us to be on good terms.”

“We are.” He says slowly, his voice not at all portraying any of the worries hers does. “You don’t have to invite me over for dinner to make up for anything, Gwen. We’re fine.”

She wants to be in disbelief over how hard he’s making this for her, once again, but she can’t find the shock anywhere. Maybe she’s finally getting used to his ways, or maybe she’s starting to find her own brazen side to counter him with.

“I’m inviting you over cause I have way too much food and it would be a waste to have to throw it away. If you don’t want to come, that’s okay too. Up to you.”

“What time do you want me to be there?” He asks.

She smirks.

“Think you can be here at seven?”

“Perfect.” He says, but she can sense there’s something else following his affirmation. She smiles when she turns out to be right. “Just to be clear, this isn’t you buttering me up before you drop the hammer and fire me or some shit, right?”

She laughs shortly, her hand resting at the back of her neck.

“No. But don’t give me any ideas.”

For a second, she feels what it would be like to be his friend. When he laughs at her slight jab and she can envision the way his face looked all soft while he did it, it feels like something she desperately wants. To know what makes him happy, to be there when he’s sad.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Gwen.”

She doesn’t wait for him to hang up on her, as it feels safer to do that herself. The silence she’s surrounded with brings her no peace, neither does the remaining wine in her glass.

Meeting Blake, in a lot of ways, had stripped her from that peace she wanted so badly. It had stripped her in the literal sense, too. Blake had demolished any space she created for safety. The box she liked to force herself into had grown two sizes and suddenly showed room for improvement, room for risk. He doesn’t bring her peace, but she thinks he might be here to bring her something else. Something equally important.

It’s an exhausting fight between feeling like she’s not ready for whatever it is he brings to her life, and the anger she feels at him coming into her life so _late_ —making her wait all these years to bring her what she’s wanted all along.

\--

“Flowers?”

She’s a bit shocked to see him show up at her doorstep with a bouquet in his hands, his attire much of the same she usually sees him in; black shirt, nice jeans and his hair a curly mess on the top of his head. He looks too good like this and it’s barely even fair.

She takes the flowers from his hands, smelling them automatically. She steps aside to let him in and hears him chuckle.

“Can’t show up at a lady’s door and not bring flowers.” He says. “Want me to take them back?”

She looks up at him, catching his mischievous smirk.

“Shut up.” She says, finding a vase that’s beautiful enough to home the gorgeous bouquet.

It’s been a while since she’s gotten them, her eyes filing at the simple gesture. Her ex-husband used to give her jewellery on date nights and Greg reserved the whole VIP area for her when they went out. It was nice, but she missed the simple act of getting flowers. She puts them in the middle of the dinner table, smiling as it fits perfectly with its surroundings.

She turns around to Blake, biting her lip.

“Thank you. They’re beautiful.”

He nods at her. “You’re welcome.”

It’s a little awkward then, not knowing whether to give him a hug, but she settles on changing the subject altogether. He helps her setting the table, when she suddenly gets another idea.

“Let’s eat on the couch.”

His brow lifts, lips curving up into a smile. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She mumbles, checking on the two pizzas getting ready in the oven.

“Who knew.” He teases.

She tries not to think too much about how weird it is to have Blake in her house, helping her out in the kitchen and then sitting next to her on the couch as they both hover over their pizza plates. She pours them another glass of red, holding the bottle up for Blake to inspect.

“Pour it darlin’, I’m sure it’s nice.”

He’s not a wine snob. Though she’s not surprised to learn that, it does feel odd to have the usual safe subject of expensive wines be so casually thrown out. She leans back against the couch rest, balancing the plate on her folded legs. Blake shoots her an amused glance and she can’t help but comment on it.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He shrugs, tearing a piece of his pizza off with two skilled fingers. “You just surprise me, that’s all.”

“Why?”

“When you invited me over for dinner, I was kind of expecting a four-course meal presented to us by your personal chef, at the dinner table.”

“I don’t have a personal chef.” She remarks, ignoring his persistent stare.

“Clearly.”

She smoothens a hand through her hair, looking up at him briefly.

“I’m not the person you think I am, you know.” She says, swallowing the bite of her pizza. “I know you think I’m this rich girl snob, that’s gotten everything handed to her, and probably never cooked a meal in her life. But that’s not me.”

“That’s not what I think.” He counters, bringing his own slice to his mouth and taking a large bite.

She follows his movements. “You thought I was gonna let a chef cook for us tonight.”

“Cause you don’t like being alone with me.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t like it when you pick a fight with me.”

“When have we ever fought, sweetness?”

She wonders if Blake’s aware of the maddening tease that he is, even when he’s not doing much. His mouth speaks these questions she never knows the answers to, or it produces these honest statements that keep her up at night. The fact that she can add knowing how his mouth feels on her skin to that list, might be the biggest tease of all.

“We’ve certainly annoyed each other.”

“I work for you. You’re the boss lady. I don’t get annoyed with you, just confused.”

She arches a single eyebrow at him, surprised to hear him bring up their work dynamic. It’s the one thing that would make this thing fishy for him as well. She knows he takes a lot of pride in what he does and being professional while he does it. She can’t imagine hooking up with his employer ranks high on the list of things he should do while on the job.

It becomes clear to her then that maybe she’s not the only one with stakes in this game. And if she’s not the only one who’s got something to lose here, their whole playing field just evened out.

“Well, you’re not working tonight. Or tomorrow.” She adds, surprised at her own bravery in this moment.

Blake chuckles. “You’re right. Does that mean I can get mad at you in the next thirty-six hours?”

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”

“I’m not much of a fighter.” He admits, winking before taking a sip of his wine.

He holds the liquid in his mouth for a few seconds, before swallowing the expensive red. His eyes widen.

“This is good.” He says. “I’m usually not much of a wine person, but this is delicious.”

Gwen smiles proudly. “Cabernet Sauvignon. My friend introduced me to it years ago.”

He looks at her with something she can’t quite place, her heart speeding up at the sight of it. It’s never enough with him to just look at her, to watch her, but instead he has to unravel her. Each time. Never wavering in his intensity, always making sure she knows exactly what he is thinking without crossing a line with her. She needs to look away in favour of her throat getting any lubrication.

“Now _that’s_ a real friend.” He jokes.

She nods, chewing on her next bite.

“What about you?” She asks after she’s swallowed. “What do you like to do when you’re out with friends? Assuming you have some.”

He chuckles. “I hate you.” He props another piece of pizza in his mouth, wiping the back of his hand across his lips once. “I don’t go out here much, to be honest. I like going back to Oklahoma when I don’t have to work. Just spend time with family and friends, be around nature. Go out to the local bars whenever we feel like getting in some trouble.”

He smiles at the recollection of his memories and something inside her wishes she had more with him. Wishes he had memories with her he could think back on and smile like _that_ about.

“That sounds awesome, Blake.”

“It is.” He affirms. “Wish I got to do it more, though.”

“You should go out here. Plenty of bars in California too.” She points out.

“I’m afraid these bars don’t hold a candle to what we have back home, darlin’. Settling for anything less would just be a cruel tease.”

“Maybe you just haven’t been to the right ones.” She counters.

“Are you offering to take me to your favorite one?”

She laughs, shaking her head. “I don’t go out to bars. I doubt I could interest you in the places I _do_ still get taken out to once in a blue moon.”

“Once in a blue moon being two nights ago?” He asks.

She winces at the memory of the Upscale nightclub, nothing about that night something she’s dying to remember necessarily.

“You would’ve hated it.”

“Probably.” He admits honestly.

Once their pizzas are gone and Blake takes both their plates and disposes them on the coffee table, she suddenly needs much more wine. With his arms unoccupied and their bodies sitting close together on the couch, she can hardly suppress the thought of getting closer.

“What brought you here to LA in the first place?” She asks suddenly, trying to distract herself from the horrible thought of jumping him. “Don’t tell me you’re part of the age-old tale of following a girl here…”

Blake smirks. “No girl. At least not here.”

Her heart hammers at that, her eyes searching for his. “Oh. But there? You have a girlfriend back home.”

“I don’t.” He says slowly, much too slow for her liking. “I used to, though. I think me moving out here wasn’t exactly the smartest move in regards to keeping our relationship working.”

“So why did you?” She asks. “Move?”

“I had an opportunity to move here for work and basically be my own boss or I could stay in Oklahoma and continue to roof houses for friends and family members. I saw my chance and I took it.”

“But you lost your girlfriend?”

Blake takes another swig of his wine, biting his lip before slouching back against the couch.

“For a while we did the back and forth thing. She’d come visit me whenever she could, I’d do the same whenever I didn’t have to work. If it was supposed to happen for us, we could’ve made it work. I’m sure of that.”

Gwen almost feels the heartache as her own, hanging on to his every word.

“You didn’t feel like it was supposed to work out?”

He shakes his head once. “I was supposed to follow my dream, and she was meant to follow hers. Her dream just happened to be banging a successful Nashville writer.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “She cheated.”

It’s not even a question, but a statement. Her eyes get glossy instantly.

“She saw her chance and took it. I can hardly blame her.”

“Blake!”

He smiles at her sympathetically before ripping her heart out with one simple statement.

“We weren’t like you and your ex, Gwen.”

Her voice is barely a whisper as she quietly addresses him. “W-what?”

“We were high school sweethearts, who thought the whole world would open up for us. It’s not realistic and we definitely didn’t tick each other’s boxes. She hurt me, but there was never a time I felt like she wouldn’t. It was always temporary. I think deep down we both knew that.”

Gwen shakes her head, in disbelief over his words. 

“She could’ve just left.”

“She did.” Blake counters. “Not in the way I hoped she would, but I’ve come to realize things hardly ever go the way you want them to. You just deal with the way things happen and figure out later that it’s a blessing that it did.”

“So what’s the blessing in her cheating on you?” She pushes, finding that his words strangely anger her.

“Freedom. No longer being trapped in a relationship that drained us more than it did us any good. No longer feeling guilty about moving here and doing what was best for me. Life became a lot better after I let go of the things that I knew were never mine to keep.”

She bites her lip, whisking away a stray tear. Part of her wants to be mortified at being this vulnerable around him, but she can’t stop the heartbreak from spilling over her cheeks. Blake doesn’t seem appalled by it, instead he ushers closer to her and lets his arm slide behind her back. She makes a soft noise of disapproval, but lets her body lean against his shoulder regardless.

“When he cheated on me, it felt like the opposite.” She whispers. “It felt like he robbed me of what _was_ mine to keep. I fought for it, I _earned_ it.”

“Earned what?” Blake asks softly, his body steady and strong against her. “The right to be cheated on? Earned to be in a relationship with someone who hurt you?”

“He wasn’t supposed to do that.”

There’s too much information crowding her frontal lobe, too many feelings harvesting in her chest. Some towards her ex-husband, some towards herself and others towards Blake. It rattles her body with anxiety but also hope. If she can untangle the web of feelings and feel them as three separate things, then maybe she can start making sense of things soon.

“He was supposed to love you. Unconditionally.” Blake states, not really holding her but more so letting his body offer the support she needs to keep her own upright.

“But he didn’t.”

“Cause he’s stupid.”

It takes a few seconds before unabashed laughter spills off her lips. Blake doesn’t know her ex-husband, but the truth is that he would absolutely hate his guts if he did. Though she knows he mostly made the statement to make her smile, she finds the most amusement in how not far off he is.

She covers her mouth to keep more laughter from escaping, her head lifting to meet his gaze. He smiles at her so sweetly, it’s hard to imagine that brazen, almost painfully honest man underneath.

“So was she.” Gwen offers softly.

The corners of his lips twitch, and she realizes that despite Blake’s more than accepting attitude towards his ex, there’s still some hurt there. Deep down, there’s a man who knows what it feels like to not be enough for someone. No matter how hard he tries to find the good in that, it will always be a sore spot. She knows about sore spots all too well, and she wouldn’t dare to try and purposely push his.

Instead she offers him her most gentle smile.

“Let’s make a toast to stupid people, then.” Blake exclaims, leaning forward to grab his glass from the coffee table. “To no more of them in our atmosphere.”

She smiles widely, clinking her glass with his. “To no more stupid people.”

It’s like she needed that batch of sadness to leave her body before she could truly enjoy what’s happening here tonight. Whether she likes it or not, Blake has made for the most fun company she’s had in years. It’s nice to know she can still laugh and feel joy without feeling like she’s just used up her ticket. It’s good to feel something other than fear about when the next storm would come in and blow away the fragile blueprint she had built.

“Gwen?”

She looks up at him, her body once again taking its respectable place on the couch. No longer leaning on him.

“Yeah?”

“If I told you I wanted to kiss you right now, would you freak out?”

The answer to that question would undoubtedly be yes, and she knows he knows that too. Instead she fights with her inner self, pushing away all her fight or flight reflexes.

She swallows loudly. “That depends.”

Blake smirks. “On what?”

“Are you really going to do it?”

It was a dare she knew he would take, so she doesn’t bother with the look of surprise when his hand tangles through her hair and grabs the nape of her neck. He’s a mixture of gentle and rough whenever he touches her, and she thinks it might just be the only way he’s able to do this. His hands on her are strong, so is his grip, but his intentions might be so soft—it’s what will kill her first.

When his hand starts pushing her towards him, she goes willingly. The first real surprise comes when he readjusts his grip on her right before their mouths meet, both hands grabbing her hips roughly and pulling her so she’s straddling his lap. She gasps at the way he just so easily manhandled her into place, her brown eyes staring deeply into his. She can see the beginnings of a smile on his face, his eyes a dark shade of blue.

Just like that, all her control vanishes and she’s surging forward to claim his mouth in a hard kiss. The way they both fight for control has her rotating her hips into him roughly, mouth panting. Blake’s hand lifts to cup her head, tangling his fingers in her hair. The other hand is on her waist, pulling her closer into him. Something about Blake makes her want to lose all her inhibitions, fighting the darker side of her being with every stroke of his tongue.

This is nothing like the kiss she shared with Greg, and it’s nothing like the ones she’s shared during her marriage either. This is like coming home after years of being away, like coming up for air after drowning. He kisses the breath out of her, but it still feels like he’s giving her life. She stutters on top of him when she realizes how out of control she feels, how badly she wants this and how every thought in her mind only revolves around one thing. 

Ducking her head to his neck, she takes a moment to breathe, holding onto his shoulders.

“Hey.” He says lowly, his voice rough as anything. “You okay?”

She pushes herself up into his lap, looking down at him. His lips are slightly swollen, the expression on his face still wild, yet laced with genuine care.

She bites her lip and nods.

His hand finds its rightful place at her neck again, pulling her forwards so slowly, she’s actually aching before he kisses her again. She cradles his face between her two palms, kissing him in an almost possessive manner. She knows it’s not right, this man owes her nothing, especially not his heart. But damnit if she doesn’t want to be the only one he kisses like this.

Just like that, she’s back to panicking, the pace of her kisses slowing down just a tad.

Blake continues to hold on to the back of her neck, fingers gripping her on the perfect side of too tight. “Forget him. Focus on me.”

He mumbles the words against her lips, causing her to claim his lips with newfound passion. None of her thoughts are about her ex-husband, but she doesn’t correct him. She’s relieved enough that Blake’s so attentive of her struggling at times. She’s sure he would barely remember his own name by the way his hardness is pressing against her thigh, but he still manages to notice her panic flaring up at the most inconvenient of times.

“ _Blake_.” She pants as his mouth makes its way to her neck, licking and sucking gently.

“You shouldn’t be this damn sexy.” He murmurs against her neck, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as he uses his hand to grind her over his hardness devilishly.

“I can’t…” She pants, both hands sliding lower onto his chest and grabbing the fabric between tight fists.

“You can’t what?”

Another firm push of his hand slides her across his lap and she’s _this_ close to screaming.

“My life is crazy and not in a good way, right now.” She whispers, holding on to his shirt for dear life. “And you work for me and if people found out about this—I can’t imagine them being too happy.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.” His hips push up in a way that hits her just right, and she can’t fight the noise that escapes the back of her throat, head falling back. “Oh fuck.”

She shakes her head, pushing against his chest when he tries to reach up for her again. She feels bad for putting an end to something they both so desperately want, but she can’t do this again. She can’t let him have her in _that_ way and then go back to try and live normally. He’s affected her too much already; she needs to draw the line somewhere to keep at least some bit of her dignity intact.

“I’m sorry.” She whimpers, legs feeling like jelly when she gets off him slowly.

He looks at her hazily, the look in his eyes one of surprise and confusion. It’s a look she doesn’t see from him often, as he’s usually one step ahead of her. But this time, it looks like he did not expect her to stop. She figures his own walls were completely down in this moment, his mind occupied with nothing else but her. He couldn’t even think straight—or long enough— for the thought of her stopping to pop up in there.

She winces as she watches him try to get his bearings back.

“Sorry if I pushed.”

Her eyes widen again. “You didn’t. I just think we should stop.”

He clears his throat once. “You’re probably right.”

It’s her turn to be filled with surprise.

“I don’t regret kissing you.”

She feels like it’s the right thing to say, not wanting to leave him with the thought that he pushed for something she didn’t want. She watches him intensely, biting her lip as she watches him get up from the couch and smooth down the sleeves of his black button-down.

“I’m glad, darlin’.”

She knew it wasn’t right, but she feels her eyes well up immediately. She didn’t deserve it, definitely didn’t _earn_ it, but she hoped he would at least say the sentiment back. It becomes the heaviest weight to carry, the thought of Blake regretting being kissed by her.

“I don’t regret it, Gwen. I don’t regret kissing you and I don’t regret this evening”. His voice speaks to her suddenly, her head whipping up to his instantly. She didn’t realize she was being so transparent, but as usual, Blake’s in perfect tune with her. “But I do struggle to understand you. And to be quite honest, I wonder if you even understand yourself.”

Gwen flinches. “Blake...”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t.”

Blake sighs. “Tell me how not to. Cause from where I’m standing, you’re setting me up for immense failure here. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t—and that’s just too much power for any women to have over me.”

“I’m just trying to protect myself.”

As if the Universe hates them, his phone starts ringing and he digs around in his jeans pocket to retrieve it. By the way he looks at her before picking up, she knows he’s about to step outside and won’t come back in.

“We want the same thing here, Gwen. Just don’t kiss me until you can see that.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you guys.  
> I'm not gonna be able to post for a few days, so hopefully this is enough to hold y'all over.  
> It's pretty heavy and angsty, but it's super important to the story. Don't lose faith in me yet!
> 
> Thanks again for all the lovely comments and reactions to this story xx

Dinner at Chelsea’s loft is a joyous affair, as always. There’s far more food than could ever reasonably be consumed, and there’s wine, much more than she _wants_ to consume. She loves her friend, loves the people she decides to surround herself with, and Gwen feels like home here. It’s a feeling she doesn’t feel much, definitely not here in Los Angeles amongst only the most prestige. Chelsea’s people are like her though; they all grew up knowing what it was like to struggle and they didn’t take for granted the opportunities they eventually got granted with. Gwen’s stomach twists as she realizes how she’s become part of their unorthodox family—and how hard it’s been to create one of her own.

Chelsea offers her another glass of wine, and she pushes the thoughts of protest away. She accepts with the knowledge that this will be her last one. She still has to drive home.

She drinks and talks, feeling like her life is starting to belong to herself again. The nights are still largely spent going over her miserable marriage and lost love, but the days are brighter again. She’s still not where she hoped she would be, but she can start to envision herself getting there. Blake is a nice distraction to think about when she’s not totally afraid of losing her mind. He makes her feel alive, insane, terrified, passionate. She can’t think of anything else but him as she sinks into the leather couch, cradling her glass between her slim hands. She has one leg tucked underneath herself and one elbow on the back of the head rest.

“Hey Gwen!” She suddenly hears her friend exclaim, the look on her face letting her know it wasn’t the first attempt at trying to get her attention.

“Hmmm?” She hums as she seeks her out, waiting for Chelsea to speak.

“Remember what we talked about on the phone yesterday.” She begins, setting her wine glass aside.

Gwen holds on tighter to hers, Lord knows she’ll need it if they’re gonna get into this conversation again. Her fingers are holding the vessel so tightly she’s afraid it will shatter.

“Like I said before, the answer is no.”

“Yeah you said that, but it’s bullshit.” Chelsea points out oh so delicately. “You need this just as much as I do. Your company can use the boost and you know it.”

Normally she wouldn’t be so reluctant to socialize with a bunch of designers and influencers, but showing up alone and single while her latest project isn’t selling, really doesn’t feel like something she should do. She also knows her friend will most likely agree and come up with an idea she’s not gonna like.

“Chelsea, I can’t show up like this. At this point, that would only hurt my brand more.” She clarifies, trying to stay strong. “Laying low and work on a killer comeback is what I should be doing and I’m focused on.”

“Look, you’re going through a rough time, but you’re still majorly respected in the industry Gwen. You won’t lose all that momentum because of one bad sell.”

She holds her friend’s gaze for a while, throwing back the last contents of her wine. As she imagined, this conversation is not going the way she hoped it would, and she feels her hands itch for the bottle standing beneath the coffee table.

Chelsea follows her line of sight and grabs the bottle for her. Gwen quickly protest while her next glass of wine is being poured, but her friend briskly cuts her off.

“Relax, I’m driving you home.”

“You’ve been drinking too.” Gwen observes.

“Only two glasses. I’m totally okay to drive.”

Gwen sighs, relenting and saying a soft thank you after being poured another. She sits back and lets the rim of her glass brush against her lips again.

“I don’t feel like going partying with a bunch of snobby know it all’s, who’ll be more than happy to point out where I’ve gone wrong.”

“First of all,” Her friend laughs. “You’d be one of the snobby ones too, if successful designers are suddenly called that. “Secondly, no one is gonna tell you that because no one _thinks_ that.”

Gwen huffs. “Don’t try to flatter me right now.”

“I’m not, you know I wouldn’t do that. If I thought you sucked, I would fucking tell you that. To your face.”

If there’s one thing she can’t argue, it’s that her friend lacks all tact. It’s a quality she’s come to appreciate, since no one felt comfortable enough to just give it to you straight after you’ve passed a certain mark of success. Chelsea never had that problem; not with her and surely not with anyone else.

“It would be the first public outing without him.” Gwen admits softly, swallowing down another sip of wine as she makes her vulnerable admission.

Chelsea’s eyes turn soft. “I know.”

“I just don’t want the questions and the whispers. I don’t think I’m ready.”

“You used to love those nights, though.” Her friend says softly. “Getting dressed up, promoting the work you loved so much, seeing your dreams come alive right in front of your eyes. That shit used to energize you so much.”

Gwen smiles bitterly. “Things have changed.”

“Not that much has changed, to be honest. You ditched an asshole, but you still have the same talent, the same drive.”

“Don’t forget the ruined rep.”

“Which would be more easily fixed if you showed your face more often again.” Chelsea’s determination sure is something to admire. “Think about what I said, okay? I know I’m a mess most days, but I’m right about this.”

Gwen smiles behind her glass, chuckling. “Fine.”

She’s finally allowed to finish her last glass of wine in peace, no longer indulging in the stress inducing conversation. There’s more laughter to make her momentarily forget about the debacle she’s in. Chelsea stays true to her word and drives her home, unrelenting as she invites herself inside. Gwen really didn’t expect otherwise and smiles when her friend makes herself comfortable on her couch.

Gwen has barely kicked off her heels when the sound of her doorbell being buzzed rings through the otherwise silent hallway. She squints her eyes as she doesn’t expect any visitors and especially none who know the code to her gate. Her relaxed demeanour falters when she catches Blake on her doorstep, the look on his face one of surprise.

“Blake, what are you doing here?” She breathes.

“Sorry, is this a bad time?”

“Uhm, no, I mean _yes_ …” She shakes her head, stepping aside to let him in. “My friend is here—Chelsea, you’ve met her before.”

Blake nods his head. “How could I forget.”

“I didn’t expect you here.” She says while walking towards the main room, Blake close behind. “If I knew you’d be coming over I’d at least bought some beers or something.”

“I didn’t call, I’m sorry. It’s still weekend and I just thought I’d swing by.”

She should feel worried about how easy it was for him to take that liberty, but there’s something unfamiliar in the pit of her stomach that kind of likes the normalcy of that statement.

“Chelsea, you’ve met Blake.” Gwen says softly, motioning with her hand towards the cowboy behind her.

Her friend’s eyes light up immediately. “Oh my god, I didn’t know you were expecting company tonight.”

“Neither did I.” Gwen whispers.

She shakes her head when Chelsea skips formalities and goes straight for a hug. Blake doesn’t seem at all surprised and instead welcomes the affection with ease. She’s always impressed by the way it seems so easy for Blake to get along with others, and his comfortableness in his own skin never ceases to show itself.

“If I had known you’d be here, I would’ve made sure I could stay a bit longer. Unfortunately, I have some stuff to get back to at home.” Chelsea lets her words linger a bit, giving Blake an almost filthy smile. Gwen would be surprised if it weren’t for the earlier display of blatant flirting she’d been witness to before.

“I’m sure we’ll run into each other again.” Blake offers in response.

“It would be greatly sad if we didn’t.”

“ _Chelsea_.” Gwen grits out softly, a mixture between a warning and embarrassment.

“And you…” Her friend turns to her instantly, cupping both her cheeks. “You’re going to think about what I said and stop being such a baby, okay? This will be good for you and the business, just trust me.”

“I already said— “

“Yeah yeah, you don’t wanna go alone.” Chelsea interjects, continuing to cup her cheeks. “Then don’t. Bring a friend. Bring Blake!”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her head shaking as much as her friend’s hands allow.

“Chelsea, no.”

She’s too late to stop her friend from turning to Blake, his gaze now going from amused to intrigued. 

“Gwen needs someone to go with her to this annual designer party-thingy. She’ll be able to provide you with more details, I’m sure, all you have to do is say yes.”

Gwen’s mortified, to say the least. Her cheeks flush red and her heart feels two seconds away from beating out of her chest.

“Blake can’t even name one designer.” Gwen chokes out. “Plus he hates LA, especially LA parties.”

“Would you want to go with her?” Chelsea asks, ignoring Gwen’s desperate plea to drop it.

“No he doesn’t.” Gwen answers quickly.

“Actually, yeah. I’d love to.”

Her head whips around to catch Blake’s gaze so quick, she feels like she might’ve pulled something. She’s faced with his proud smirk, his tongue pushing against his upper teeth. She’s torn between wanting to slap that smirk off his face or kiss it off, but neither one are impulses she acts on. She looks back and forth between her friend and Blake, the situation feeling so surreal she can’t come up with any words.

“See.” Chelsea says pointedly. “That wasn’t so hard. Just bring him and you’ll be fine. No one will ask you about your ex when you walk in with someone else. Trust me.”

Gwen swallows roughly, avoiding her gaze.

Her friend excuses herself quickly after and Gwen can’t say she’s sad to see her go. Maybe it’s petty and maybe she should be grateful for her friend’s pushing ways, but rebellion grows tighter in her chest and she almost chokes on it. Drowns on the protest willing up in her body and threatening to pull her under violently.

She can hardly look at Blake when they’re left alone, his tall frame not making any move to close some of the distance between them. She doesn’t have to look at him to know he’s still smiling, though.

“Why did you come here tonight?” She rasps, continuing to look at her feet.

“I came here to tell you something.”

She forces her feet towards him, looking up reluctantly. “You should’ve said no when she asked.”

“You could’ve just told her you didn’t want me to come with you.”

“God, you just can’t get enough of making me out to be the bad guy, can you?” She accuses him, shaking her head.

She’s about to unleash her frustration on him more, when something in his eyes makes her pause. She can tell he’s gathering up the nerve for a reveal, which is so unlike him, she can hardly breathe.

“Gwen, I didn’t come here for any of that.”

For once, she falls dutifully silent.

“Why _did_ you come here?” She whispers.

Blake fiddles with the seam of his jeans as he struggles over his next words. She’s never seen him like this and she realizes she was spared this sight. As much as his everlasting confidence and comfortableness drives her up the wall sometimes, this is much, _much_ worse. She fights the urge to close her eyes, waiting him out patiently.

“My dad died.”

He says the words so softly, like he literally tried to soften the blow by lowering the volume of his voice. Her heart drops when his eyes advert away from her, a stutter in his posture.

“Blake…” She breathes.

“I don’t know why I wanted to come here, I probably shouldn’t have showed up unannounced and I realize now I shouldn’t have sprung this on you. It’s not your problem, I just didn’t know where else to go. I just got in my car and ended up here, I’m sorry— “

“Blake.” She repeats, her hand grabbing a tight hold on his wrist. She effectively cuts off his rambling and slowly closes the distance between their bodies. Her free arm reaches around the back of his neck, pulling his head towards her shoulder. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

She feels him pull back slightly but she applies more pressure to keep him there, supposedly being all he needs. He continues to lean on her, his mouth breathing out a shaky sigh against the crook of her neck. She uses her hand to softly glide through the hairs in his nape and he stutters against her once more. It’s impossible not to notice the way his shoulders start shaking and she pushes back her own tears when soft sobbing noises come from where he’s so tightly pressed against her neck.

“I got you now.” She whispers brokenly. “It’s okay.”

She holds him against her tightly, fighting against the shivers and shakes raging through his body.   
  
” _Gwen_.” He whispers, her name sounding like a word he shouldn’t say, an emotion he shouldn’t feel. 

“I’m here.” 

“Why did he leave me?”

It feels like the wind gets knocked out of her, Blake’s voice nothing but a broken sound; heartache and pain spilling over his lips. 

“Blake—“

”Why did he leave me?” He sobs, her lips pressing together tightly as she tries to suppress one of her own.

”It’s not fair.” She whispers against his hair. “Loss never is. I’m so sorry.”

He pulls away after a few silent seconds, muttering a million apologies before sinking to the floor a few feet away from her. Tears cloud her own vision as Blake covers his eyes with his hand, unable to look at her while he succumbs to his heartbreak.

She drops to her knees next to him, reaching out and covering his hand with her own. He recoils at her touch, but she forces herself impossibly closer. He presses his back tighter against the wall behind him, hoping it could swallow him up and somehow make him disappear and she has no problem following him there. She settles against his chest, her right hand laying across his heart while her left one holds onto his trembling one.

“You don’t have to hide that from me.” She says softly, referring to his sadness.

“I wasn’t there.” Blake stammers out, borderline inaudible. “I moved out here knowing he was sick. I just always figured we had time, that he’d beat it.”

Gwen’s heart breaks at his admission, that everlasting optimism of his now forever tainted by this one decision.

“You couldn’t have known.” She whispers.

“I shouldn’t have taken the risk.” He speaks gravelly. “I wasn’t there.” He repeats.

She nods against her place against his chest, eyes tightly pressing shut.

“I didn’t know him personally, but I can’t imagine him being anything but proud of the man you’ve become, Blake, and of the choices you made to get there.”  
  
She’s searching for his face expectantly, eyes wide as a lone tear slips from the corner, catching in his lashes before blazing a path down his cheek. She wants to reach out and whisk it away, but she’s so stunned by his vulnerability in this moment, she’s utterly unable to move.

“I’m sorry I came here tonight…”

She shakes her head. “Stop apologizing. I’m glad you’re here.”

“You’re not mad?”

That gets her attention, his voice sounding like a little child fearing punishment and she doesn’t think she’s ever heard a man sound that incredibly vulnerable. She draws her gaze up to his, shaking her head with all the softness she can muster.

“Of course not.” She whispers. “I’m here for you okay? Whatever you need.”

Another tear breaks free and this time she does lift a hand, thumb gentle against his cheek as she whisks the droplet away. Her finger lingers against his cheek, rubbing softly.

Blake shudders our multiple breathes, eyes closing underneath the soft touch of her finger. 

“He would’ve liked you.”

Gwen’s breathing gets stuck in her throat as she listens to Blake’s raw words, his eyes portraying the same rawness.

“Yeah?” She asks softly, putting her hand back over his heart.

He nods. “He always had a soft spot for strong, sassy women. The ones who take no shit but exude kindness wherever they go.”

It makes her feel impossibly closer to him to know that even in his darkest hours, he’s not incapable of giving the most heartfelt compliments. She makes herself more comfortable against his chest, looking up at him by craning her neck up.

“Sounds like a great man.”

Blake smiles softly, tears still staining his cheeks. “He would’ve made fun of your house, though.”

“What’s wrong with my house?” She smiles, poking softly against his chest.

“It’s big. And rich. Did I mention it has gates?”

She laughs and she feels the soft vibration of a chuckle coming from Blake’s chest.

“I hope my personality would’ve made him fall in love with me, then.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “He would’ve.”

She can’t do anything but grab both his hands, tugging gently until they limp in her lap. She buries her face in the crook of his neck, a deep but grateful sigh escaping his lips. He doesn’t hold her, and she knows he’s fighting hard enough to keep breathing. It’s enough for her though, she doesn’t dare to expect more from a man so broken.

Blake releases a shaky breath and she can feel the relief rolling off him in waves, can hear the rapid rhythm of is heart fluttering in his chest. Her own heart is beating quickly too—as much from the adrenaline of trying to help him through this as from the feeling of being in his arms.

“I’m glad to know you, Gwen.”

She remains plastered against his chest, breathing him in and revelling in the compliment he just spoke. He didn’t call her beautiful, didn’t tell her how much he enjoys being close to her in proximity, but instead he emphasizes he’s grateful to _know_ her. It so much more than she could’ve hoped for and it suddenly feels criminal how she’s working so hard to keep this man out. She damns her own fears to hell in the quiet of her mind.

She may not be ready yet but they’ve taken an important step forward tonight and she feels emotionally closer to him as result.

“I’m glad to know you too, Blake.” She looks up at him when she replies, his lips curving up into the smallest of smiles.

“Let me tidy up the guest room for you. You’re in no condition to drive home.” She lets the words roll of her tongue gently, but won’t let him mistake them for an offer.

“Gwen, you don’t have to— “

“You’re staying over tonight, Blake. You can choose to do that in a made-up bed or here on the couch.”

Blake adjusts slightly, briefly taking hold of her. he runs his finger up and down the line of her spine, his other arm resting along her stomach. He’s still slightly trembling behind her, or maybe it’s her now, she’s not sure anymore. She grimaces when she slips out of his embrace, her hand caressing the side of his cheek once more.

“I’m gonna take care of you now, okay?” She whispers, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “Will you let me do that for you tonight?”

His eyes are tightly pressed shut when he nods.

Part of her almost doesn’t know how to handle _this_ version of Blake. His walls completely shattered, a puddle of bricks and effort pooling at her feet and his soul fully open to her. She knows she has no choice but to figure it out if she wants to be there for him in the way that he needs.

She’s terrified.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to you all! 
> 
> Special thanks to B, xx

She hears the creaking of stairs.

The soft platter of footsteps across the floor.

Those are the only things that alert her to his presence. He told her he’d meet her downstairs in a couple minutes after she softly went to check on him in the morning. She doesn’t blame him for not keeping track of time as he must’ve dozed off again or simply couldn’t face the new day just yet, considering he told her that an hour and a half ago.

He needed his sleep. He was thoroughly drained by the time she got him into bed last night, incapable of thinking straight. There’s no way he caught more than a few hours of shut eye and truthfully, she feels better with him lying upstairs in the guest room. At least then she knows he’s alright, he’s safe. She doesn’t want to think about what could’ve happened if he didn’t show up on her doorstep last night. The state he was in had been alarming, but also admirable. She’d expected a man like him to reach for the bottle before he’d ever seek help from anyone, especially from a woman like herself.

But he came here. To her.

She can only treat that with the utmost delicacy and importance. She’s gotten a breakfast ready for him consisting of some dry toast and eggs, something she can easily heat up for him when he joins her. She’s already twisting the stove on again when she hears Blake.

He sits down at the kitchen counter without a word.

“Hey.” She speaks low and gentle, her hand coming to rest on his upper back, sliding the small plate in front of him. “Eat something.”

He relaxes slightly at her touch but she can still feel the tension in his muscles.

“Thanks.”

Her eyes soften. “How did you sleep?”

It’s a long moment before he responds. “I didn’t.”

Gwen’s heart shatters for him, for the desolation in his voice, the hopelessness that’s taken over his fatigued mind.

“That’s why you need to eat.” She says.

“Thank you.” He repeats. “I didn’t mean to— “

Gwen presses a soft finger to his lips, silencing the thought. “Don’t finish that sentence. Don’t let your mind go there.”

She knows her words mean little at this point, that there’s really nothing she can say to help him. She’s never been the best at this type of thing, but she feels like she _needs_ to be, this time. She steps closer, wrapping her arm around him from the side. She hopes the physical contact will help eliminate the feeling of utter uselessness that is taking over her body.

“I’m sorry.” Gwen whispers, sighing after a long moment.

That catches his attention. “For what?”

“For being so awful at this. For not knowing what to say.”

He turns in her arms then, wrapping her up in his own embrace. “Sometimes words aren’t enough anyways.” He answers softly. “You saved me last night.”

Not prepared for how those words make her feel, her eyes water and her throat tightens. Blake’s so soft and gentle with her, it’s almost like _she’s_ the one who just told him she lost a parent.

“I know.” She breathes, tracing the line of his jaw with one finger. “Tell me what I can do.”

He sighs, burying his face in her neck.

“Talk to me. About anything. Tell me about that party.”

The corners of her mouth twitch slightly, feeling a bit shocked to hear him bring it up again. She figured that he wasn’t really serious after talking to him after Chelsea left, and after the latest events that occurred in his life, she expected him to never bring up the ordeal again.

Realizing he might need this to take his mind off his own tragedy, she creates some space between them and points to Blake’s plate.

“If I talk, you gotta eat.”

He smiles weakly. “Deal.”

She makes herself another cup of coffee, since she’s been up all night too, wondering if there was more she could do for him. She lifts herself onto the counter, until her legs dangle next to where he’s sitting. She’s still not necessarily excited about having him accompany her to another prestige fashion party, but it’s the least she can do for him now.

“Every year they organize this Ball to showcase your creations and network amongst some of the most knowledgeable and respected designers. It’s much like a fundraiser, only without the charity. There’s no real money to be gained here, only business partners, which of course still leads to— “

“Money.” Blake finishes for her, tearing off another piece of his toast before dipping it in some jam.

“Exactly.” She affirms. “It’s just another opportunity for people to show off and drink the most expensive liquor without having to pay for it themselves.”

“You don’t sound like you enjoy those ‘parties’” Blake observes.

“I used to like them.” She admits, looking at his handsome face and taking in the dark lines around his eyes, his eyes themselves glassy and slightly red. “It’s just that everyone there knows me now, or at least _of_ me. It’s hard enough to face family after being humiliated like I’ve been, but to do that with my peers…. I wish I could hold off on that forever.”

It feels like a huge weight has lifted off her shoulders once she admits that to Blake. His eyes don’t hold a shimmer of judgement.

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Gwen.”

She presses her lips together into a tight line. “I just don’t want the prodding questions or intense stares. I want to be known for my work, not my personal life.”

“And that’s why Chelsea recommended you’d take a friend with you…”

“She did that because she’s crazy.” Gwen quickly replies, shaking her head. “Absolutely fucking insane. But she does have a point when it comes to damage control…. showing up alone would only fuel the rumours that I’ve retreated into loneliness and completely let that asshole win when he left. Showing up with a friend would at least keep the questions at bay. For now.”

“Would you hate it?”

Her brows raise. “Hate what?”

“If I went with you?”

Gwen blinks hard, fighting back the tears that have been threatening to fall since the moment she laid eyes on him this morning.

“Blake no, of course not. I just didn’t think you would enjoy that. I still don’t think you quite know what you’re in for. But if you want to come with me, I’ll just prep you a bit and we’ll go together. I wouldn’t hate it.”

He lifts his eyes to hers. “I can’t say I would enjoy that type of thing darlin’, you’re right.”

“So you don’t want to go?”

“I could think of better places to spend time with you, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t gladly accompany you to this party. I think it’s about time you let me in on your world a little bit.”

She smiles gently, cupping his cheek. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re persistent as hell?”

It’s the first genuine smile she gets from him.

“I’m just passionate. If I see something I want, I go for it.”

She lets go of him, not because she wants to but because she _has_ to. He’s still broken down and sad, and the last thing she wants to do is take advantage of that. She won’t kiss him, even if that’s all her body seems to want to do. She also knows that they need to get through this first, before they could possibly talk about what they want.

“It’s next week. If you’re not up for it by then, you can still back out. No hard feelings.”

He reaches a shaky hand out to her face, his finger softly touching her bottom lip. She’s starting to realize that Blake has an honest obsession with her mouth—and she can’t find it within herself to care one bit.

“You’re so beautiful.” He murmurs, voice raw.

“You literally always say that.” She chuckles.

“Because it keeps surprising me.”

“That I’m beautiful?”

“That you’re real.”

That shuts her up, the way his eyes linger on her and the sound of his voice too much to handle. She closes her eyes and leans into his soft touch, suppressing a smile.

“Don’t forget your toast.” She says softly, pulling away and sliding off the edge of the countertop.

She doesn’t know where this puts her and Blake, in terms of their relationship, but she knows it’s gonna be impossible to deny their deep connection from now on. She takes a sip of her coffee, hoping that with some new energy also comes some wisdom. And bravery.

\- -

Blake had left her house that night, knowing he needed to get himself together in the privacy of his own four walls. He needed to fall apart without prying eyes, he needed to feel that second wave of grief and mourning without her. She didn’t try to stop him, instead, she encouraged him to go. Be on his own for a bit. Selfishly, she wished she could’ve stayed with him, she wished that being around her would make the sting of his loss a little less severe—but she’s lived enough of life to know that no person alive held that power. She could be there for him whenever he was ready, and she was positive that he would let her.

Even in his darkest hour, he’s braver than she is. He will let her in and let her guide him through this. She’s sure of that. It’s something she takes pride in, because it’s obvious that he trusts her. For some reason, he believes she can take care of his heart, of his needs. He’s a grieving man, one who’s going through the motions of the world’s biggest cruelty, and so she won’t tell him what she thinks. She won’t tell him that she’s not a good person, not right now at least. She can’t tell him that her own fears are standing in the way of giving Blake exactly what he deserves. All she can do is make sure she’s the best she can be for him _now_.

It had worried her when he didn’t contact her for two whole days, the silence coming from his end unnerving. She wanted to call or maybe even swing by, since he had left his address for her on the counter. But he needed time alone, he had said as much. She tried to distract herself with work and decided to wait at least another day to check in. He texted her that night, admitting he’d been in a drunken haze the night before and didn’t want to worry her. She had cried when he called her that next morning and told her he talked to God for the first time in a long time. He’d wondered how the world could take his dad away in the manner that it had and she cried some more when he got angry all over again, condemning everything to hell, except for her.

The next two days had gone by smoother. He’d checked in daily, just a simple text saying he was okay. She knew he wasn’t, but the meaning was clear—he was hanging in there, he wasn’t obliviously drunk or she would’ve noticed in his text. He flew back to Oklahoma for the funeral and she didn’t hear from him the whole day. She didn’t push, but she slept with her phone next to her bed regardless.

Now, it’s almost a week later. Tomorrow is the party and Blake is still determined to go with her. She had raised her concerns about him coming with her; his fragile state of mind and the overflow of alcohol that will surround him doesn’t sound like the smartest thing for Blake to be around. But he needed the distraction and she couldn’t deny that his voice sounded a lot clearer when she talked to him on the phone this morning. He didn’t work since the loss of his father, but he explained to her how he was ready to get back on that too. He would finish up her studio after the weekend and she tried to push aside how weird it felt to have him talk about the finalizing stages already.

She doesn’t know what will happen after Blake finishes his work here, and how that will affect what they have together. Part of her thinks it will be good to have some distance.

It had felt weird not to have Blake be in the same state for a few days, though. Him being in Oklahoma and not texting or calling her at all, had shown her a different truth. The one she didn’t enjoy to speak out loud. The one that felt much like attachment—she missed him.

The whole ordeal had put a weight to her own heart and soul; her parents were still here, but she rarely saw them. When she did, it never felt the way she grew up to think it would. She was still trying to appease them, make them proud, and she was still always left feeling like she came up short. She tries to push that feeling away at the sound of his voice in her ear.

“Your mom is worried.” She can hear the sharp intake of breath, and then the slow exhale. He sounds disappointed already and she’s a coward, because she’s relieved she doesn’t have to see it in person.

“Why?”

“You’re divorced, Gwen. You lost your husband and you won’t talk to her.”

 _You lost your husband_. Not “he lost you”, but _she_ had lost her husband. It was the way her parents viewed the world, viewed her. She wasn’t something to be lost, she was solely someone who could _obtain_ the price, never _be_ the price.

She presses her eyes closed. “I’ve been trying really hard to keep going. I’m focused on work.”

Her father hums. “How is that going? I heard you’ve been struggling with that too. Something about the latest project not hitting the mark?”

Her father was a business man. Has always been. There’s not much she can hide from him when it comes to numbers and pitches and she’s already dreading where this conversation is headed.

“Can we…. can we not talk about work?” She asks softly. “Please?”

“You need to—” Her father broke off his own sentence, for once trying to appease his daughter in giving her what she wants. “How have you been doing, Gwen?”

The question throws her off guard. She can’t remember the last time either one of her parents asked that so directly and so she swallows roughly.

“I’m okay. I’m starting to pick some things up again, things I loved to do. I’ve been keeping myself busy.” She muses, hearing the occasional approving hum of her father. “I hired someone to finish up the studio at home, so I won’t have to go into the office as much anymore.”

She didn’t intend to bring Blake up this soon, and especially not with her dad, but the sentiment had left her mouth before she could think and part of her didn’t mind. Her father would be the worst critic, she knew this too, so maybe it was good to let him in first.

“That’s good. How’s it coming along?”

“Great.” Gwen replies genuinely enthusiastic. “It’s gorgeous, Dad. He’s done things with the place that go far beyond my expectations.”

There was a silence that made fear climb from the lowest point in her body all the way to her face. She felt herself heat up from the inside, involuntarily holding the phone to her ear tighter. She knows her dad just heard something, picked up on something that she hadn’t intended on sharing.

“Gwen…” She doesn’t say anything at the mention of her name, knows something is following by the way he spoke it. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” She says quickly, the sound reminding herself of a little kid that’s desperate to get out of a punishment.

“You just got out of a horrible marriage.”

“You don’t think I know that?” She snaps.

She felt rustling on the other end of the line, before it calmed down again. “You can’t continue to do this every time and expect a different outcome, Gwen. That’s not how this works.”

She feels the air rushing out of her lungs, her head shaking furiously.

“Dad, I’m not— “

“He’s a constructor, for crying out loud. You wanna know why it hasn’t worked out for you, yet?” He says the words slowly, as if to make sure they all have its designed time to hit her where it hurts the most. “You create this fairy tale scenario in your head, and then lower the bar to the ground so every man you meet stands a chance of making that a reality for you…”

“That’s not true.” She whispers, shocked her father would even think such a thing.

“…You let your guard down, let them treat you badly, because you feel like you can fix them. You’re a powerful woman—you have a business that you’ve built from the ground up, like we taught you to do. You have people, men, at your disposal and you feel like you’re in a position to save them. You _can’t_ save them, Gwen. You can’t even save yourself.”

She blinks past the heartbreak she feels at his words. “Blake doesn’t need saving.”

“Then leave him alone.”

“He’s good for me.”

Her father scoffs and she hates herself a little for the tear that rolls down her cheek.

“You wouldn’t know what good was if it slapped you in the face.”

“You don’t know me.” She whispers.

“I’m your father. I made you – I _know_ you.”

She shakes her head. “You raised me, yes. But you don’t know me. Mom doesn’t know me. When’s the last time you two came to visit me when it wasn’t work related? When I didn’t have a showcase or opening to invite you guys to?”

“Gwen.” Her father warns, but the floodgates seem to have opened.

“You raised me to be independent, you raised me to be smart and to work hard. I’ve build a whole empire on that strength and I thank you for that. But you also made it no secret that I was meant to do what you never could. I had to be the one to create her own brand, to make sure I never failed. Not because you wanted that for me, but because you wanted that for _yourself_. You gave up on that dream to help mom raise me and you resent me for it. That’s why you pressured me into only going for what would be good for the business, for my credentials, but what about my heart, Dad? What about love? When do you think you’ll be proud enough of me so I can take a break and be myself? Tell me.”

Not many times has her Dad been stunned into silence, not ever has she said these words out loud to anyone but God.

“I want what’s best for you.”

“You want to create the perfect daughter. You want someone you can be proud of, someone who only dates the CEO’s and one day settles down into this _perfect_ marriage that has no passion whatsoever and then accidentally create three little children, probably boys. You want me to create your fairytale.”

“You’re out of line, Renée.” Her father’s voice is laced in disappointment and she wishes it didn’t hurt this much. “I’m not gonna listen to this anymore. You want to make another mistake, that’s all yours to make, I won’t stop you. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She expected the line to disconnect a few seconds later, and she lets out a relieved sigh when she turns out to be right. It’s not the conversation she hoped to have with her Dad, but it doesn’t surprise her that it did. She’d been holding onto these words for years, and letting them go had almost felt like something spiritual.

As wrong as he was, not everything he said was false. She swallows down the huge lump in her throat as she comes to terms with that.

_She wouldn’t know good if it slapped her in the face._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I usually don't use songs to introduce a chapter, but this particular one inspired both this and the next one. I thought it deserved a mention! The song is called Hold Me While You Wait // Lewis Capaldi.

_"Could we come close to having it all?_

  
_If only I could wake you up_

  
_My love,_

  
_Won't you stay a while? "_

* * *

Alcohol is flowing and the event is going well. The venue is crowded with people who are dying to hear about her next endeavours as much as they can’t wait to promote their own. She’s wearing a short sleeveless, light blue dress. Her hair is arranged into an old Hollywood style bun and she can tell Blake’s finding it hard to keep his eyes off her. She wonders if he can sense the multiple emotions in her eyes; gratitude, nervousness, disbelief.

Blake’s currently across the room from her, chatting with Larry Connelly, nursing a single glass of champagne in his hands. Blake hates champagne, she knows this, and she also knows he’s not interested in what the fashion guru has to tell him. Luckily, the man is too busy with himself to notice Blake’s faked intrigue—or maybe Blake just has a way with people that goes way beyond her.

She can’t help but stare at the two men across from her, never in a million years imagining she’d ever see the sight of Blake in a place like this. There’s something resembling adoration that sparks in his eyes whenever their gazes meet and she can’t understand why it’s Blake who seems so in awe of _her_ , in this moment.

She doesn’t understand it at all, but she’s been on the receiving end of it multiple times so far tonight and it makes her heart flutter and stumble about in her chest.

Blake catches her staring again and tosses a grin in her direction, that same sparkling tenderness illuminated by the lighting of the crystal chandeliers. She smiles back, feeling the giddiness tugging at the edges of her mouth and crinkling the corners of her eyes. She doesn’t feel comfortable being this blatantly obvious in public, but she can’t suppress it. Not tonight.

She jumps when a hand grabs onto her shoulder.

“You made it.” Greg’s voice is subdued when he talks to her, but he might as well have yelled in her face, it would’ve felt the same.

“Good to see you, too.” She lies, wincing when she does it.

“You brought a friend.”

Greg’s careful observation would’ve looked innocent to anyone who happened to overhear it, but she can tell by the way he emphasized the word ‘friend’, that Blake’s presence here bothers him.

“Yeah.” She says, taking a deep breath. “He’s been helping me out a bit. I thought it would be nice to introduce him to my world.”

Her eyes wander over to where Blake’s still in conversation with one of her most respectable business partners. His eyes meet hers again, always in sync, and she can see the darkening of Blake’s eyes even all the way from here. She knows he’s aware of who Greg is without the introduction, but she’s surprised when he shoots another small smile and continues his conversation with Larry. She doesn’t know whether to be disappointed that he didn’t come over here to put an end to the awkward conversation or if she should be happy he’s not letting jealousy get the best of him during a night that’s supposed to be all about her.

“I don’t want to step out of line here, Gwen.” Greg states softly, his hand still uncomfortably on her shoulder. “But you and him—are you seeing him?”

Unprepared for the question, she stares at him speechless. She can see the glimmering green of his eyes brimming so brightly, she doesn’t know if he’s on the verge of crying or suddenly feels way more passionate about her than he did when they went on their first date.

“Cause if you’re not…” He continues, his tone just a little more panicked now. “I’ve been thinking about that night and— “

She shakes her head, cutting him off before he can make another plea for her that she can’t reciprocate.

“I’m sorry.” She says. “I’m not seeing him. I’m not seeing anyone. I think that’s how it’s gotta be for a while. I hope you can understand that.”

Her voice tremors slightly, hating the look on his face as much as she hates the situation herself. Greg isn’t a bad man—he’s not the right man, he’s not what she wants, but he’s not a bad man. He’s nice and decent, and in another life, she maybe could’ve fallen for him.

But in this life, she knows she never could. Not when she has Blake standing a few feet away from her, his hot stare now heating the side of her face. She knows he’s looking at them, without having to connect their gaze. She does so anyways, out of pure curiosity, and is met with his clear blue eyes transfixed on her. It’s like he doesn’t even notice the man who’s currently pleading for another chance with her, and instead Blake’s only focus is her.

“I do.” Greg replies, finally picking his hand off her shoulder. “I would’ve been a fool not to try. I hope you can understand that, too.”

She looks back at the man in front of her. “I do. Thank you, Greg.”

“I am genuinely glad to see you again.” He says softly. “This is a great night.”

He lets his eyes wander around the venue and she smiles. He’s right, this is a great night. The event is a success; her brand is on full display for everyone here and she can hear laughter and friendly chatter coming from everywhere around her.

While she tore her eyes away from Blake and his conversationalist for a few minutes, he took the liberty to find her. She doesn’t find out until a soft hand slides across her back, his free hand offering her a fresh glass of champagne.

“Thought you could use one.” Blake says gently, his eyes staring at the man in front of him.

She catches his eye as she takes the glass from him, pink lips spreading into a gentle smile.

“I’m Blake by the way.” He stretches his hand out towards Greg, who takes it with a little less enthusiasm but does so nonetheless.

“Greg. Nice to meet you.”

Gwen looks at the awkward and slightly tense display between both men. She forces a soft smile on her lips, despite the nerves clogging her throat. Shaky fingers holding on the stem of her champagne flute.

“Greg is the promotional team manager. I’ve told you about him the other day.”

She hopes that by introducing the man casually, it takes some of the tension away and makes Blake realize that it’s truly all she sees him as. She doesn’t know why she’s so eager to ease Blake’s mind on this, since she’s made it clear they’re not an item. Blake doesn’t even seem too troubled by the man in front of him and she can hardly tell if it’s an act or if he just genuinely isn’t worried.

“You sure have.” Blake says, his tone betraying he knows exactly who the man is. She wonders if the image of them making out is the only thing he sees while talking to the man so casually. “She’s told me a lot about you, man.”

Greg’s brow raises. “Only good things I hope.”

“Mostly.” Blake grins.

Gwen nearly chokes on her drink, Blake’s hand softly rubbing along her lower back. She knows the action is largely impossible for Greg to see, but she feels the tension bubbling in her lower stomach regardless.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I want to steal her away for a second.” He continues.

It takes her a while to realize Blake’s talking to Greg, but looking directly at her and she nods quickly. She takes his offered hand without hesitation, following him onto the dance floor a bit awkwardly. Blake ignores it completely, the tug on her hand causing her to easily settle into his embrace.

“Blake, what— “

“Dance with me.”

She can feel the warmth of his palm on her lower back, feeling his fingers spread wide even through the fabric of her dress. His embrace is soft but firm, just like she’s used to from him. Her head lowers against his shoulder and she’d be mortified by the display of affection if she weren’t one amongst so many to be doing the same.

“You made him feel bad.” She whispers, swaying with Blake as he gently leads them.

“Greg?” Blake says, the smile evident in his voice. “I think he’ll be fine.”

“I wanted to let him down gently.”

“Why let him down at all?” Blake murmurs, one of his hands searching for hers and cradling it, her left one curving around the arc of his shoulder.

She dips her chin, eyelashes fluttering shyly. Her pulled up hair makes it impossible to hide behind the usual curtain that would cover her flushing cheeks.

“You know why.” She answers softly, still not meeting his eyes.

“Cause you’re way too good for him?”

Her eyes finally flicker up to find his. “That’s not it.”

“But it’s the truth.” He offers with a grin. “Any fool can see that.”

Gwen rolls her eyes but can’t help the smile that escapes the confines of her lips, no matter how adamantly she tries pressing them together.

“Is that so?” She takes the bait as they settle back into the rhythm of the jazz music that floats through the speakers.

Blake doesn’t speak right away, merely brings their joined hands in to rest against his chest, all but eradicating the modicum of space between them as they continue to sway to the melodic tune of the saxophone. He curls his fingers around the soft curve of her waist, his head dipping down so his mouth is right there against her ear.

“Yeah.” He affirms lowly. “Because you want something that’s real, something you can trust, but not something you can _predict_.” His fingers tighten ever so slightly against her waist, his breath hitting the shell of her ear. “You want passion, someone to make you feel like this is all that matters. Greg bores you.”

“Blake…” She whispers a bit helplessly, focusing her gaze on some point beyond his shoulder.

“He can give you a life behind some other picket fence, take you out on fancy dinner dates and then make out with you and leave you unsatisfied, _every single time_.” He emphasizes the last three words by leaving a second of space between each of them, his grip on her so tight she can’t do anything but bask in the glorious proximity.

Gwen slips her hand from his shoulder to the back of his neck, toying with the soft strands of his hair that brush against her fingertips.

“What did you and Larry talk about?” She whispers, hoping she can distract him from the truth spilling off his lips.

His chuckle vibrates against her.

“About you, mostly.” Blake replies, and suddenly Gwen understands how he managed to talk to the man for such a long time without running out of inspiration. “He told me it took him awhile to convince you to partner with him. But that he always believed in you and your work. Sounds like you have a pattern.”

If she weren’t pressed so tightly against him, she would’ve slapped his chest. Instead, she shakes her head and presses a low chuckle against his shoulder.

“Please shut up.”

“Now, you did ask very nicely.”

They sway in silence for the remainder of the song, and not until the music transitions into the next melody, do either of them dare to break the spell.

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” She whispers, her nose brushing his ear. “It means a lot to me. I know this isn’t your cup of tea and you’ve been through a lot recently…. you could’ve decided to bail but you didn’t. That means something to me.”

His arm tightens around her back as he registers her confession.

“You said it would help you.” He says softly. “And I get to spend some more hours with you. That’s all I care about.”

Her heart is lodged with something she can’t explain, emotion making it hard for her to manage at a response.

“You know, there’s a balcony around the back.” She finally says. “Want to get some air?”

She’s so close to him and her senses are infiltrated with him. She can’t even think anymore and desperately needs some refreshment.

Blake loosens his grip on her hand and instead laces his fingers with hers, letting it dangle loosely between their bodies. It’s a move so vulnerable, she’s torn between yanking her hand back and doing the opposite. She leads him from the dance floor, the back of her hand brushing against the fabric of his jeans. He didn’t wear slacks tonight and she didn’t expect him to—loves the fact that he isn't comprising who he is as she brings him somewhere so far out of his comfort zone.

He did disregard the jacket he usually wears and instead wears a white shirt, black vest and tie. She’s always begrudgingly found him attractive, but now he just looks criminally handsome.

He lets go of her hand once he realizes there are cameras everywhere and she’s grateful for his discretion at the moment; her warry mind forgetting all about it. She easily leads them towards the balcony as they slip out into the night. They’re a few floors up, high enough so she has a view up and down the hills of Los Angeles. Hundreds of lights rising far above the electric streets. Normally it would be hard to shut out the constant noise of the city, but up here with a few small tables, decorative plants and strings of glove lights crisscrossed overhead, she hears none of it.

“It’s beautiful up here.” He says, and when she looks back at him, he’s staring directly at her.

“Much quieter than inside.” She counters, blushing slightly.

It hits her then, how much of what she wants to do doesn’t align with her personal rules. Up here, gazing out over the gorgeous LA view, she wants to do nothing more than to push herself against him and make him surrender. Make him give it up to her in the way she’s done multiple times now too. She wants him to feel it, to think about it after he leaves and many more nights after that. She wants to consume him in the same way he does her.

She thinks she’s almost beating her fears and close to grabbing him, when a loud voice interrupts her heated thoughts. Blake’s eyes lose their focus on her as he looks behind him, immediately being brought in for a tight hug.

“I can’t believe she really brought you.” Chelsea’s voice rings through the air, her arms flying around Blake’s neck. “It’s so good to see you.”

Blake chuckles but Gwen can’t return the sentiment. She loves her friend to death, but for the first time ever, she genuinely wishes she could make the woman disappear.

She forces a smile on her face when it’s her turn to hug and she lets it linger a bit longer than usual. At least when Chelsea is touching her, she’s not touching Blake. Small win, but she’ll take it.

“What are you two doing out here?” The woman asks cheerily, and it’s clear that she’s already consumed quite a bit of champagne—maybe even did some shots at the bar. “You do know the party is inside, right?”

Blake saves her from having to give her real answer.

“Gwen wanted to show me the view from up here.” He says with a large grin. “It’s not every day that I get invited to a place like this.”

Chelsea’s face softens. “Oh, that’s right, you’re not from here. You told me that morning…. Texas? _No_ …Nashville?”

“Close.” He smiles. “Oklahoma.”

“I remembered you were a Southern boy.”

Gwen can’t help but notice the way Chelsea’s hand wanders over the white sleeve on his arm, and she clears her throat way too loudly for it to be casual.

“It’s quite cold up here. Why don’t you order another drink at the bar and we’ll find you inside?” Gwen asks hopeful, the pounding of her heart palpable everywhere.

“Are you crazy?” Chelsea exclaims. “I was dying for an excuse to get out of there for a second.”

Blake shoots Gwen a knowing look, the smirk on his mouth not helping matters.

She knows it’s not right, but she can’t help but wish Blake would cut it off when Chelsea starts rambling about her own endeavours, leaning heavily on his arm when she shows him her works on her phone. She can tell Blake feels a little out of the loop on the things he’s being shown, but he doesn’t shy away from asking questions and to Gwen’s frustration, keeping the conversation going.

Gwen bites her lip tightly when her friend laughs loudly—way too loudly—at one of Blake’s lesser jokes and she feels the juvenile jealousy rise in her stomach again. There’s no reason for her to feel threatened, she knows Blake isn’t interested in Chelsea, but there’s something about the way he doesn’t stop it and the everlasting charm that doesn’t seem to be reserved for her.

“If you feel like it, we have another party coming up soon at my place. You can tag along with Gwen or just come straight to my place. It all works for me.” Chelsea offers sweetly, her doe eyes looking at Blake like he hung the moon.

Blake looks back at Gwen, obviously trying to gauge what the right answer to this one is.

“Gwen has a habit of leaving early though.” Her friend laughs, shooting Blake a wink. “If you come by yourself, you don’t have to move on her schedule. You can even stay behind...”

“Chels…” She hears herself say, unable to keep quiet.

Blake’s amusement obviously grows fonder and she wants to slap him when he doesn’t turn it down, already,

“I’m just saying….” Chelsea continues, holding Blake’s gaze. “It could be fun to have some time alone after everyone leaves.”

She feels a pang so strong in her gut that she can’t force any words out. She tries to swallow down the bitter taste in her mouth, wishing she had another glass of champagne to throw back in this moment.

“As flattered as I am…” Blake starts, wrapping the rejection up nicely. “I’m afraid I can’t.”

Chelsea’s face falls for a second, but knowing her friend, she’s not quite done trying. Her hand reaches out for his arm once more, her smile a small one.

“Listen, you don’t have to answer me quite yet. Just think about it.”

“Chelsea, please.” Gwen’s voice grows a bit louder now and both Blake and her friend turn their heads around. She’s suddenly growing fearful again, knowing that whatever she says now will matter. “He already said no.”

Her friend’s brow raises. “Why are you working yourself up over this?”

“What?” Gwen asks, clearing her throat. “I’m not.”

“You are.” Chelsea counters. “You’ve given me this look every time I’ve been around him now.”

“You’ve also been blatantly flirting every time you’ve seen him.”

Blake has grown quiet now, but she can tell there’s a smirk he finds hard to suppress, waiting to erupt on his lips. He lowers his head when she looks at him bemused.

When Blake’s unable to suppress a chuckle while looking at his feet, Chelsea seems to have figured it out.

“Oh my god!”

Gwen shakes her head. “Please don’t. Not here.”

She pleads with her friend to keep her discovery to herself, not ready to speak the words out loud yet with Blake right there. Her friend seems to understand what her pleading gaze means and nods her head.

She looks up at Blake apologetically. “Obviously, you’re still invited to the party. Maybe stick to Gwen’s schedule, though.”

Blake chuckles and nods. “We’ll see. Thank you for the invite, either way.”

Chelsea smiles before looking at Gwen.

Her heart is beating out of her chest, fears and confusion clogging her chest. She doesn’t want her friend to be aware of her feelings for Blake, and she definitely isn’t ready for Blake to know the extent of them yet. Her whole chest feels like it’s been cracked open for the two adults to see, and it makes her want to disappear off the face of the Earth.

“Come here.” Chelsey says, already closing the distance between them.

She’s known her friend for over a decade, there’s not much they don’t know about each other. It becomes clear that this knowledge of one and other is what moves Chelsea now. Her arms tighten around her back for a second, affirming there’s nothing to worry about.  
Gwen pulls back, an apology laying on the tip of her tongue.

“Don’t you dare apologize to me.” Chelsea demands, smiling widely. “It’s fine. I’m gonna let you two get back to…enjoying the view from up here.”

Gwen rolls her eyes, feeling that familiar embarrassment fill her once more.

“Nice to see you again, Blake.” She calls while on her way back inside.

It’s not until she’s out of view again, that Gwen takes another breath. She can’t even look at him yet, but Blake doesn’t seem to care for that much. He steps in front of her quickly, his hand landing on her shoulder.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re having a heart attack right about now.” He chuckles, holding on to her a bit tighter. “Don’t die on me. I don’t think I could handle another loss so soon.”

She looks back up, not appreciating the joke.

“ _Blake_!”

“What?” He throws his hands up, smirking.

“That’s not funny.” She scolds him, taking another deep breath.

He chuckles. “You couldn’t have been _less_ smooth if you tried. You know that, right?”

“I don’t like when she flirts with you. It makes me uncomfortable.”

Blake nods. “You don’t say.”

“I mean if you want her, go for her. Do what you want…”

Blake bites his lip to keep from laughing, two of his fingers rubbing at his chin. She knows he’s enjoying this, and maybe if the roles were reversed, she’d do the same. She feels like a teenage girl unable to keep it together in front of her crush, despite desperately wanting to.

“I don’t want her.” Blake says casually. “Does that make you feel any better?”

His eyes bore into hers, arousal and amusement both pooling there. It’s unfair how easy it is for him to affect her, how his words he spoke on the dance floor still dance around in her mind. She wishes she could get her heart and mind to align, but her body seems to have a will of its own.

“Come here.” She hisses, while grabbing onto his wrist.

She doesn’t actually give him any time to walk towards her, instead she drags him with her into the warmth of the venue, ignoring everyone who stands in her way. Blake gives up on asking her where they’re going after his third time asking goes unanswered. She doesn’t think she’s able to go through with her impromptu idea if she says it out loud – scared of his judgements _and_ her own.

The large building results in it taking way too long for them to find their way out of the crowd, the large and familiar bathroom doors an actual relief. Blake still seems a bit confused, but by the time she shuts the door behind them and turns the lock, his eyes darken in recognition.

“Gwen…”

“Please don’t.” She interrupts, knowing he’s about to say something that will either call her out on her bluff or make her entirely too scared to do what she’s about to do.

Deciding she needs to give him something else to do with his mouth, she covers his lips with her own in a frantic attempt at a kiss. His hands find their place in her hair again and she moans when he tugs slightly harder than usual. This is nothing like the intimate kisses they’ve shared before, this is about dominance, penned up frustration.

He cups her face and stops her from going in for another kiss, his eyes dark.

“I don’t think you wanna do this here.” He says roughly, subconsciously licking his lips while he talks.

“I don’t think you know what I want.”

She lets her left hand slip down his body, nails scraping against him until her fingers graze the very clear and prominent bulge between his legs.

“Damn it, Gwen.” He grunts, his head leaning against the wall behind him as she touches him deliberately. “Then tell me – what do you want?”

She bites her lip, staring into his eyes as she lets her nails drag up and down, tracing the outline of his dick. She feels him stiffen and grow beneath her touch, straining under his denim.

“What does it look like?”

He shakes his head, the confusing mixture of arousal and annoyance lingering on his features.

“What’s your plan?” He asks briskly. “You want me to throw you up against this wall in a building filled with your peers?

She shakes her head, her body filling with heat at his words. She prays to God that she’ll be able to come back from this at all, her common sense flying out of the window as she gives into the lust and jealousy clouding her senses.

“No.” She whispers, her tongue darting out to lick at his bottom lip filthily before she places another quick kiss there.

She doesn’t grand him the time to say anything else before sliding to her knees in front of him. His gasp is loud and clear in the empty bathroom stall, but she doesn’t pay it any mind. Her freshly manicured nails work to get his belt loose and off, working on his zipper as she catches his eyes.

“Gwen, you shouldn’t….” He warns, voice trailing off, but it’s half-hearted and they both know it.

He grunts again when she grabs his hardening member from his boxers, his head softly hitting the wall behind him. She smiles proudly before running her tongue slowly over the tip of his cock. She hums in approval when his hands grab her hair and pull slightly. She spends long seconds licking him from the tip to the base, teasing him with quick but firm strokes.

He looks almost in torture when she decides to go in for the kill, taking him in deeper until his tip hits the back of her throat.

“Oh God, fuck yeah.”

It’s a powerful sight to see him so lost in pleasure, knowing it’s her doing. She moans with him in her mouth, making him groan even louder. She sucks and licks, swirling her tongue around the tip of him as his eyes are fixated on her.

“You’re so gorgeous.” He whispers, bucking up into her mouth a bit.

She bobs up and down, taking him as far into her throat as she can. His eyes close by default and though she misses his dark stare immediately, she doesn’t think she’ll ever grow tired of watching him like this.

She closes her eyes and commits it all to memory — every little sound she pulls out of Blake, the heat and weight and taste of him on her tongue, even the sound Blake’s hand makes when it smacks against the wall.

She can tell he’s close by the strangling sounds he makes and the way his hips jerk forward in short but quick thrusts. She forces her throat to relax, wanting to prolong the sensation for him as long as she can.

“Damnit baby, you shouldn’t…” He shakes his head, trying to put together a coherent sentence as his hands try to tug her up.

Her hand moves from where she’d started teasing his balls to his pelvis, stilling him.

She looks deeply into his eyes, telling him without words that she knows what she’s doing—and that she wants it.

She sucks him quicker now and he lifts his head again, eyes zoning in on her. She’s not surprised to find Blake connecting with his more dominant side, even when he’s not the one in control. She can feel him tighten and his body stiffen, but his eyes never waver from where she’s on her knees in front of him.

If she wants this to happen, he wants to watch it.

They lock eyes and Gwen licks her lips, shoots Blake the best smirk she can muster at that moment before she dives back in. She slides her hand back down to teasingly graze his inner thigh and she knows she’s got him then. A moan and something that sounds like her name are the only sounds she hears before he gives himself over to his climax, spilling hotly into her mouth.

She swallows before she slowly but surely moves back up to stand. He’s looking at her like he’s not sure what his name is or where in God’s name he’s at, and she’d find it endearing if it wasn’t also completely out of character for him.

“Let me.” She whispers before swapping away his hands, getting his pants back over his hips and zipping him up. He’s still staring at her by the time she’s done getting him properly dressed again.

“What the hell was that for?” He whispers, holding her gaze. She doesn’t know what to say in response. She secretly hoped her earlier actions would say what words couldn’t.

”Not now. Later.”

” _Gwen_.” He breathes.

“We’ll talk later, okay?”

She can see his eyes nearly pop out of his sockets and she’s sure if he wasn't still recovering from his orgasm, he would’ve fought her on this tooth and nail.

Instead, he sighs and nods.

“I’ll find you later.” He says softly, motioning to the sink in the back. “Let me freshen up. I’ll meet you back out there in five.”

Somewhere in his eyes-- _and voice_ \-- she can recognize the rough edges of a broken man. She wonders how long she can keep ignoring what's right in front of her until it snaps. Until he does.

She hates herself when she walks out on him, leaving him behind and trusting that he'll find her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this, but it was bound to happen..

She takes a moment to look around the finished studio. The porcelain coloured marble floor, mint white painted walls and full picture window taking up the entire space at the front, are all placed perfectly to create the home addition of her dreams. It’s part of the house now, part of the place that propelled supressed desires to the surface and forced confrontations with emotions she was prepared to never face again.

She folds her arms across her chest, letting out a content breath. The tension in her body feels like it completely evaporates as she takes in the stunning surroundings. The studio somehow calms her and as her gaze roams around the room again, she smiles. It’s safe. It’s sanctuary.

She sighs and leans back, somehow knowing he’s right behind her.

“This is so beautiful, Blake.”

“Much like you envisioned it?” He asks, speaking the words right into her ear.

It would’ve been so much easier if her body didn’t automatically respond to his closeness. But instead, her skin covers with goosebumps at his breath tickling the shell of her ear and she can feel the hairs on her arm starting to stand up straight.

She bites her lip to keep from saying something—anything—that she’s not ready for.

“Even better.” She admits, not ashamed to say that she leans into him a bit more, needing some of his stability and hoping she can make it her own. “I only had a vision when it came to the designs and placements, but somehow you made this place come to life in a way that I just don’t understand.”

Blake smiles behind her. “I think you’re selling yourself short. Your instructions were very clear; I just made them happen.”

If she could, she’d bottle this feeling up and take a sip of it everytime she’s running low on fuel. She feels like for once, everything in her life is aligning, working together to make the most beautiful picture happen for her. Blake doesn’t even realize it, but he gave life to a dream that she’s had for so long, but always had to suppress in favour of pleasing others.

This place is hers.

Undeniably, unabashedly hers. No parents to tell her she’s wasting her money on a studio when she could invest it in other parts of her business, no husband telling her she’s selfish for wanting to give up on a house that they bought together, no insecurities that try to convince her this isn’t a good idea. This is a place she’s seen so many times in her dreams, and to actually stand in the physical manifestation of it, almost brings her to tears.

“I don’t even know how to thank you.” She says, feeling overwhelmed. Her voice betrays how emotional she feels and Blake softly rubs at her shoulders.

“You don’t have to thank me. It’s what you hired me to do. I’m just happy you’re so thrilled with the result.”

She nods. “I’m gonna thank you anyway.”

Blake chuckles. “Go right ahead darlin’. I’m just saying, it was my pleasure. I would’ve done it for free.”

The laugh that escapes her mouth is honest and heartfelt, all her worries just not important enough to give a single thought right now. She loves this moment more than she’s loved anything in a long time, and it fills her with the kind of joy she just can’t suppress.

“Watch out...” She warns him playfully. “I might just decide to take you up on that.”

They both know she’s joking—she’d never _not_ compensate him for the incredible labour he did here, but she loves teasing him about his everlasting smooth talking.

She tenses a little when Blake’s mouth presses a soft kiss onto her clothed shoulder, his words being the final nail in her coffin.

“Oh well.” He whispers lowly. “I guess you’d have to make it up to me in other ways then.”

Her mind is immediately drawn back to the party, and the way she let her own jealousy and need for this man erupt in the most primal way. She feels herself flush with a load of embarrassment when she thinks about how she literally manhandled him into the bathrooms and dropped to her knees for him.

“About that party…” She starts.

Gwen shakes the mental images out of her head, focusing on the here and now, but Blake seems to be aware of her train of thoughts.

“Thank you for bringing me.” He cuts her off, steering the conversation differently so it takes away a bit of her nerves. “I’m glad I went. No regrets….about _any_ of it.”

“You mean that?” She asks, turning around.

He wraps an arm around her back and she takes the opportunity to take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his cologne, feeling weak by the way it makes her entire body tingle.

“I already told you, I like spending time with you.” He says honestly, the words dripping off his tongue without any difficulty. “I don’t care where we are or what we do.”

She feels her eyes twitch before becoming glassy. It’s unfair how much she wants her mind to do something else, but she’s overcome with how fast it all seems to go all the sudden. All her nights are spend thinking about him; what he’s doing, if he thinks about her too, how she survived so many years without knowing he was alive in the world. Her actions at the party had only solidified her fears—she’s consumed by him. She wants him. And as much as she tries to pretend like it isn’t true, she believes a part of her _needs_ him.

“Blake, you don’t—” She’s about to unleash her first of many excuses, but Blake cuts her off expertly.

“Don’t do that.” He whispers, his eyes narrowing in on her. “Don’t pretend like this isn’t’ something you haven’t thought about either—like it’s something you don’t want.”

She presses her eyes shut tightly, dropping her head to his chest as she takes a deep but shaky breath. Her eyes land on the marble floor they’re standing on, the tiles still so clean they remind her of her life before the many heartaches and disappointments. She misses that time in her life where everything was still easy, her reputation still spotless.

Now, she’s burdened by the many fears installed in her. She feels trapped inside the expectations people put on her; the conversation she had with her Dad a few days ago still looming around in her head.

_You wouldn’t know what good was if it slapped you in the face._

She never liked to credit her Dad for too much; his egocentric view on her and her life, made for a suffocated upbringing and an inferiority complex she just can’t seem to shake. But about this particular subject, he wasn’t wrong. She fights everything that’s good, while embracing every seemingly bad decision with open arms. Blake is the best thing she’s come across maybe ever, and her mind won’t stop finding ways to push him away because of it.

“Baby, hey…” He whispers, pulling her face up with one of his hands, snapping her out of her trance. “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

She bites her lip, shaking her head. “I don’t think you want to know what I’m thinking.”

“Then stop thinking.”

He says the words softly but sternly, right before pressing his mouth on hers. She’s shocked by the sudden brazenness, but she’s too weak to put a stop to it. He slides his hands down her body, down her back, until he’s cupping her ass. “Just feel.” He speaks against her lips, before taking them again roughly and moving her backwards. Her back hits the wall with a light thud, her hand fisting at the fabric of his shirt.

They pull away for a second because they need to breathe, their eyes locking for a brief but intense moment. She can see everything in his eyes, then. No need for any words.

He cares for her deeply, wants her more desperately than she could possibly understand.

With her, he wants to fuck her, make love to her, dominate her, submit to her, promise her the moon and then deliver it, protect her. It’s the kind of thing he read about once in a high school English class that he probably scoffed at, thinking it was something that only existed in fantasies.

He pulls her shirt out of her pants at the sides, attacking her with another kiss. She’s frantic to feel more of him, to keep kissing and stop talking. She can’t deal with any more honesty and would much rather loose herself in the physical relief she knows he can bring. It’s selfish, she knows that too. He deserves better.

When his mouth starts working its way down her neck, nibbling and sucking at the soft flesh, her hands suddenly halt on his chest, pushing slightly. He takes the hint, looking up at her with ragged breathing and stopping his demonstrations. He doesn’t create any distance between their bodies, but instead lowers his forehead against hers, sharing practically the same breath.

“Talk to me.” He urges.

“We’re making a mistake.”

“Why?” He dismisses it quickly, countering her with so much confidence she almost forgets what she wanted to say next.

“Because you don’t know me.” She whispers. “Not really. You think I’m good for you, but I’m not. I’ll hurt you and I can’t afford that. I don’t _want_ that.”

“I know you.” Blake challenges her. She starts shaking her head but he doesn’t allow her to speak just yet. “I know that when I’m not with you, I wonder what it would be like if I _was_ , and I know you feel that too. I know that when I lost my dad, the only thing that gave me the slightest bit of relief was that somewhere in this world, you walked around in it. I can keep pretending like this is nothing and I can keep allowing you to do the same, or we can stop wasting our time. Because Gwen, time doesn’t stop for anyone. If there’s anything I’ve learned recently, it’s _that_. I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.” He continues, his eyes soft. “I’m asking you to give me a chance. To give this a chance.”

She can only stare at him after his vulnerable admission, his words hitting her hard in her gut. There’s a pang of pain that’s ripping at her heart, the realization of this man being way too good for her tearing her apart from the inside. All this time, she’s been silently fighting the judgements other people would have about this, the judgements her own father has about this, but none of them ever thought to stop and realize that _she’s_ the one who never deserved him.

Blake was the type of man to strip you completely naked without ever taking off a single piece of clothing. He’s much braver, much stronger than she is. Even in the middle of his own cloud of grief hovering over him and weighing him down.

She wants to give into his touching plea, make him realize that he never has to beg for her feelings or her heart because he undoubtedly already consumes both. But being with him would be selfish; she knows she’s still a walking time bomb and her fears are on the cups of erupting each day. She can’t put a man this wonderful—and in such a vulnerable state—through such tribulation.

“You can’t do that…” She says softly, immediately hating herself for her next words. “You can’t use your grief to guilt me into this.”

The look on his face almost makes her wish he would’ve just slapped her, the physical action would’ve hurt much less. Instead, he looks at her with all the disbelief and disgust in the world, his jaw locking.

“Please tell me I just heard that wrong.” He speaks lowly, dragging one hand down his face. “Please tell me you did not just say that to me.”

A chill runs down her spine, her chest aching with the force of her heart beating against it. She wants nothing more than to run her hand up his arm and apologize a million times over, but words get stuck in her throat at the sight of him so hurt.

He shifts his focus away from her, eyes trained on the wall above her.

“I know you’re scared.” He starts again, trying to regain his composure. “I know that.”

“I can’t give you what you want.” She whispers, her head filling with a million reasons why she can’t do this. The fact that she just hurt him so prominently and so easily, showing her exactly why she doesn’t deserve a man like Blake. “And I don’t think I want to.”

He looks back at her, his mouth opening slightly. He looks like he’s a few seconds from walking away, and honestly, that would’ve been the easy way out.

He bites his lip while shaking his head at her. “You’re unbelievable.”

She closes her eyes. “Blake, I’m— “

“ _So what_ , you only want me when someone else is interested? Because if memory serves me correctly, it took you less than a minute to suck me off after you realized your friend was flirting with me.”

She gasps, her eyes filling rapidly. “That wasn’t the reason.”

“Then what was it? Cause you’re standing in front of me with this glassy look in your eyes, pretending like you have no idea what I’m talking about when I tell you I like you.”

“I don’t deserve it— “

“ _Bullshit_.” He grits out. “Don’t give me that crap. You wanna give me the boot? Then do it. Be a woman about it, don’t patronize me.”

She’s visibly shaken by his anger, her throat feeling like it’s closing up and she can’t formulate a response, let alone fathom expressing it. The vacant look in his eyes matching the one she’s seen in the mirror countless times, and it hits her full force how heartbreak can extend—how many lives can be tilted irreversibly off their axis.

“I like you, I like how I feel when I’m around you.” She says softly, ducking her head down purposefully. “The other day…you’re right, I got jealous and I’m sorry. I had no right to.”

The air pulses around them, her chest pounding with the need to fill the space between them with solace, but her eyes simply prick with tears.

“That’s it?” He asks, his voice raw. “That’s all you got to say about this?”

There’s so much she wants to say to him, so many words that wanna force their way out and reach him, but she can’t say any of them. She knows that they’re at a turning point now—she’s gotta make a choice; keep him or let him go. It’s too late to be selfish now, she needs to do what she should’ve done all along.

_Leave him alone._

She clears her throat, forcing her voice to come out a bit stronger than before.

“You and I don’t want the same thing, Blake. I’m not ready for what you’re asking and I don’t know if I’ll ever be. I don’t know if I could ever be with you.”

“Why?” He counters, his jaw locking under the strain of his frustration.

“Because you’re…” She shakes her head, a lone tear escaping her eyes.

“Say it. Don’t hold back now, you’ve said worse I’m sure of that.”

“Because you’re not right for me, Blake.” She whispers. “We’re too different and we’d never work. I don’t want to go through all that again, I don’t wanna play Russian roulette with my heart and then wonder why I feel like dying when it ends. I don’t want to settle.”

She gnaws on her lower lip, her eyes taking in the way Blake’s facial expressions leave nothing to the imagination. She sees both anger and sadness flashing there; a heartbreak so intense she can do nothing but remain stationary. She can tell he wants to punch a wall or break something, but he continues to stare at her, his breathing coming out harshly.

She basically told him that being with him would be settling—and if that isn’t a lie if she ever told one. The cruellest one too. She wishes she never had to see the gut wrenching look on his face the moment he digested her words.

“I regret ever coming here, you know that?”

He wants to hurt her, that much is clear. With that one comment he just rendered her completely speechless.

Her stomach drops. “W-what?”

“I regret ever agreeing to work for you, I regret ever meeting you and accepting that first cup of coffee. I regret _knowing_ you.”

“Please don’t say that— “

“And you know that the worst part is?” He cuts her off. “Realizing that I always knew falling for a woman like you would only cause me trouble. You wanna know why things don’t work out for you? It’s because you lose yourself in their version of the world; you wanna pretend like it’s all glitter and sparkles, a world filled with cocktail parties and fancy dresses? Cause let me tell you, there’s a whole world out there, a _real_ one. If you ever opened your eyes to actually see that, maybe you’d find out it had more to offer than the things you surround yourself with.”

She’s stunned into silence by his rant, but his eyes hold a fiery threat that warns her he’s not quite done. She tries to get ahead of it.

“Blake, you’re not— “

“What am I not?” He presses, his voice growing louder and it’s the first time she’s ever heard him sound genuinely unkind. “Not in my right mind? Not thinking straight? Because Gwen, I think I’m finally seeing things clear for the first time in a long time. You’re a coward.”

She tries to hide the way his words tear her apart, but she fails miserably when she looks up to meet his intense stare. He doesn’t show any signs of backing down and suddenly she’s filled with an anger and sadness that matches his.

“Get out.”

After a lengthy staring contest, he gives in to the overwhelming pain she can see brewing in his eyes.

“Gladly.” He speaks, scoffing. “My guys and I will move our stuff off your property tomorrow and then we’ll never have to see each other again. You don’t have to be home for that, I still have the combination to your gate. I’ll be gone before you notice.”

“I can handle one more day.”

“I don’t think I can.” He groans, stepping away from her completely and draining a hand over his face. “You know what, I’ll send a few guys to clean up here tomorrow.”

“Blake, you don’t have to do that...” She whispers.

“I want to do that.” He responds quickly. “I don’t think you understand me. I don’t wanna see you again, Gwen. I don’t even wanna think about you. Being here right now, looking at you—I hate it. I’m done.”

She will never be able to explain the exact hurt she feels at his words. At least with her ex-husband, she always knew his disloyalty and vindictiveness would kill them at some point. As much it tore her heart in two, she wasn’t surprised. But this side of Blake—the one that’s so incredibly painful and angry, is surprising to her. It reminds her of how much he’s been tested lately. His words direct proof of a man pushed way beyond his limits.

“ _I’m sorry._ ” She chokes out.

“Keep it.” He doesn’t look at her when he spits those words at her, instead he grabs his jacket that’s hanging from one of his work platforms.

She wants to say something since watching him walk away from her in this way, completely breaks her heart. But she knows there’s nothing she can say to him now that will make any of this better. She can only make things worse.

She’s surprised when he turns around once more, coming to a complete halt.

“Before I go.” He says pointedly, voice colder than she’s ever heard it. “Why do you really need me to go?”

Again, there’s a long silence. She tries to decide what to say. She could tell him the truth and say that she knows his care for her is genuine and she won’t be able to shut hers out either if she allows him to continue to be in her space. But she’s too much of a confused mess and for once in her life, the truth is the wrong thing to do. So she lies the second lie of the day—knowing it will do what it needs to.

“Because I know you have feelings for me and I could never reciprocate those in the way you want me to.”

This time, he turns away without even giving her a response.

She watches him leave with a heavy heart, knowing that this could be the last time she ever lays eyes on him. A stab of pain goes through her heart at that thought and she wonders how this moment can hurt almost as much as her divorce did.

The large side window gives her perfect view of him leaving and she feels her whole body stutter when he gets in his car. She’s never been the best at describing her feelings, but when his car stops for her gate and she watches him type in her code for the very last time, she’s convinced this is the worst possible outcome of whatever they had going on for a while.

*

Blake’s always been a punctual guy, even when he’s not there.

He said he would send some of his guys over to pick up the remaining gear he wasn’t able to take with him when he left yesterday. No later than nine am she was standing in her backyard, overlooking the situation as they loaded the equipment back into the van. Blake indeed was nowhere to be found and despite not expecting anything else—she needs to hold back tears.

One of the man looks at her unknowingly, a huge smile across his face.

“Everything is loaded up, ma’am. We’ll be out of your hair now. Hope everything is up to your expectations.”

She forces a small smile onto her face, holding onto the hot coffee cup between her hands. It hurts to look at the studio now, having visual memories of Blake working on the interior of it. She wonders how she’s gonna work there knowing what they did in there together; visuals of them pressed against the wall before the paint had even dried, the numerous flirty looks they shared while he was hauling in her work table.

She clears her throat.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you all for your hard work. I know it’s been a team effort.”

The man seems to be grateful, but his adoration for his boss shines through incredibly bright when he replies to her.

“Oh thank you ma’am, but this was really mostly Shelton’s doing. We tried to give our humble opinions at times but the man had a very clear vision of how to make your dream studio come to live. We just stayed out of his way and let him create what you see today.”

He let the words out in between soft chuckles, but Gwen’s heart feels like it’s being ripped to shreds even more. She always knew he was committed to making this place the best it could be, that was also his job. It dawns on her she might have underestimated exactly how determined he had been.

“I wish he had been here too, so I could’ve thanked him some more.” She says softly, feeling selfish for even uttering the words but she can’t stop them from coming out.

“He must’ve had a really good reason he couldn’t make it.” The man replies. “It’s not like him at all to bail on the job so last minute. Boss man actually hasn’t missed a single day since I’ve started working for him, which is coming up on four years.”

She swallows roughly.

“He…. he didn’t happen to give you a reason as to why he couldn’t make it today?”

For a second she wonders if she’s being too transparent, but the other man doesn’t seem to catch on to her desperation.

“No ma’am, I’m afraid he didn’t.” All the sudden something about the man’s expression changes. “He finalized things with you here yesterday though, am I right?”

She nods quickly, afraid of what she just suggested.

“Oh yeah, we’ve worked everything out. He’s been nothing but professional.”

She already has to deal with breaking this bright man’s heart, she couldn’t live with herself if she also tainted his work reputation. Luckily his employee smiles widely at her response, nodding in relief.

“I’m glad. Well, we’ve got everything ready to go. Thank you again for choosing us, I hope we can be of service again for any future needs.”

It takes everything in her to not break down and cry, wishing so badly she could just pick up the phone and call him again if she ever needs anything else. Realizing she completely screwed any chances of that up fills her eyes quickly.

She looks away, hoping the man in front of her thinks nothing of it.

“Thank you.” She says after collecting herself. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

She shakes the man’s hand, expressing her thanks one more time and waiting for him to disappear in the front of the van. She hurries herself back inside, punching in the code to her gate so the worker can leave her property and take with him all the things that remind her of Blake.

She wonders how long Blake will remember those numbers for, how long it will take him to forget the code to her gate.

She lets some of her tears hit the ground after that, wishing she could erase the last few years from her brain. It’s why she’s berated herself so many times for developing feelings for the constructer; she was still picking up the pieces of her divorce and was in no position to get involved with another man just yet. Now she’s harbouring both heartbreaks and can barely breath past the pain of it all.

The bond she had with Blake was something she never expected to find. He stepped into the role of a best friend and a lover, filling a void that had been left in her ever since she first fell in love.

She had singlehandedly let that go to waste.

_You wouldn’t know what good was if it slapped you in the face._

The words swirl around in the hot mess that is her brain and as she lays on the couch, completely spend and useless, she realizes not only was her Dad completely right about her—so was Blake.

She’s a coward.


	11. Chapter 11

_10 Months Ago_

* * *

_She thinks she’s finally accepting defeat. Not because of anyone else telling her to, but because she feels it coursing through her body like a sickness. Fighting her demons, or pushing them away, had become a way of life. She knows them better than any other acquaintance she’s ever known and they might be the only ones to ever stay._

_She lets her legs dangle over the armrest of her couch, not nearly energized enough to position herself accordingly. She can feel the blood rushing to her head, resulting in a crazy headache and her temples begin to throb as if she could possibly feel any worse. In a way, the physical manifestation of her pain is better than the mental one. Every time she closes her eyes, she’s either tormented by the sight of Blake leaving, her ex-husband choosing someone younger, someone who could bare his children without too many risks or her work endeavours not quite working out._

_Tonight, is a blur already. All she smells is the alcohol on her breath and the smoky air of the night club hanging in her hair. Her cheeks are hot and her stomach can barely handle the intoxication; the sudden increase in booze that has infiltrated her system these last few days, hadn’t been normal at all._

_She needs a bed. And a bath, but she’ll settle for some sleep first. Her hands try to clutch at the wall as she walks up the stairs, keeping herself somewhat stable. She knocks over a few items in her room but she doesn’t bother to look. Her body crashes against the fresh sea of linen and she’s out like a light a minute later._

_She repeats the same night like a ritual; working late on her designs, going out with a bunch of people from her promotional team and getting home close to feeling numb, aside from the horrible ache in her bones. Finding her group to go out with had been perfect—they don’t know her, don’t even want to, but it’s great exposure to be seen out with her and vice versa. She gets to drown herself in expensive booze and pretend to be someone she’s not, until she’s left on her own again. When she comes down from the alcohol high, she’s left with the incredible depressing task of actually facing herself._

_A random Thursday night seems to be going the same way. She stumbles back into her mansion around four am, unable to walk a straight line. Her hands fist at the wall again, like she’s done so many times before, only this time her grip isn’t steady enough. Her body crashes into the wall before she loses her balance and trips down the first two steps. She lets out a frustrated yell that sounds more like a sob, not bothering with getting up._

_She thinks she must’ve fallen asleep right there on the floor, because when she comes to, light is already shining through the windows and the sound of a door slamming sounds loud to her ears. She winces at the sound, having the audacity to get frustrated first before realizing she’s not alone anymore._

_Her head whips up to see her friend rushing over to her, Chelsea’s face a mixture of worry and anger. Gwen ducks her head down, too tired and too much of a coward to face it. She feels two strong arms wrap around her shoulders, pulling her up. She doesn’t say a word, just focuses on not falling back down and leaning on her friend until she’s laying on the couch. She almost thinks she imagined Chelsea showing up here when the woman disappears for a few minutes. Gwen closes her eyes, not opening them again until she feels the cushion dip slightly._

_“Some water.” Chelsea says softly, beginning to pull her up into a sitting position._

_Gwen groans. “Chelsea, please…”_

_“Shut up and drink.”_

_Her lips feel dry as she takes the glass of water from her shakily. Her eyes begin to burn under the strain of her tears, missing the way she was numb for a while last night._

_“You can’t do this anymore, Gwen.” Chelsea looks at her sternly, shaking her head. “You can’t go out and get drunk and ignore every single one of us who are actually trying to help. This is gonna break you up—it already has.”_

_Gwen lowers the glass, holding it against her chest._

_“I don’t care.” She whispers._

_Chelsea nods._

_“Then why are you crying?”_

_She didn’t even know the tears had started to run down her face, her hands struggling to keep still. It’s been a while since she cried like this; soundless, but the stream of tears relentless as it almost drowns her from the inside. She feels every single crack of her heart spilling out on her cheeks and she looks away from her friend purposefully._

_“Chelsea, I….” She chokes on her words, her throat sore. “I’m so tired.”_

_“I know that.”_

_Gwen shakes her head. “I don’t want to fight anymore.”_

_It might sound more dramatic than she wishes the words would’ve come out, but she can’t say they’re wrong either way. No matter how her friend wants to take these words, all of them will be right. She’s just too tired, too drained and for the first time in forever, she thinks she can’t do this anymore. Not alone._

_And that’s exactly what she is._

_“You don’t mean that.” Chelsea says, taking the glass from her hands. “You’re just tired. And Gwen, no one blames you for that. You’ve had a horrible few years, it’s time to turn it around, don’t you think?”_

_She looks at her friend for some quiet seconds, emotion causing her chin to quiver. She wants to say something, agree to what she just said, but she can’t. All she can do is feel the magnitude of loss and heart ache ripping at her chest and throat._

_“Chelsea?”_

_“Yeah sweetheart?” She reaches out for Gwen’s arm, and she likes to think it’s to give her some more stability._

_“Please help me.”_

_As soon as the words leave her lips, she’s crashing into her arms while the dam officially breaks. Chelsea holds onto her for dear life, telling her it’s okay, that she can let it out. She feels a devastating mixture of fear and self-pity, hating how weak she feels but she can’t do anything but cry into her friend’s shoulder. She cries for what feels like hours, somehow ending up on the floor again. This time, she’s not alone though. Chelsea sits with her through it all; holding her, rubbing gentle fingers through her sticky hair._

_“I lost him, Chels.” She whispers through her sobs, chocking on the lack of air. “And I think—I think I lost myself too.”_

_She feels her friend nod against her, her arms tightening their grip on her._

_Chelsea doesn’t speak again until the worst of Gwen’s crying is over, the shaking of her body slightly less intense._

_“We’ll get you back, baby.” She continues to hold on to her, refusing to let go. “And we’ll get him back too.”_

\--

She had felt stupid coming here essentially, hasn’t been to their house in nearly a year. She’s totally aware it shouldn’t feel so out of place to finally be home again, but she’s never been able to feel anything but a stranger in here. Sitting at the large dinner table, she fumbles with her fingers, ticking nervously against the hardwood.

“You look great.” Her Mom says, cocking her head to take in her daughter’s presence. The older woman is sitting squarely in front of her, causing Gwen to bite her lip bashfully.

“Thanks, Mom. I’ve made some important changes.” She smiles awkwardly. “I was actually on my way have lunch with Manny to celebrate the new milestone.”

“I saw it on the news. I’m so happy for you, Gwen. You deserve this expansion; you’ve worked hard for it. It was so awesome seeing you so happy during the announcement during Fashion Week. It’s like little girl Gwen was staring back at me right through the television.”

Gwen smiles. “Thank you. Manny is adamant to drink some fancy wine to keep the celebration going.”

Part of her says the words to make sure her Mom knows she isn’t here to stay, but also because for the first time she’s genuinely proud of her achievement.

“I’m honestly a little bit surprised you stopped by here.”

Gwen feels a pang of guilt hit her. As much as her Mom never managed to protect her from the judgemental and way too heavy responsibilities her father put on her, she feels bad about the way she shut them both out. Her Mom had made it clear to her multiple times how she’d missed her and Gwen never really took those words as seriously as she should’ve.

Until now.

“I know.” She says softly. “I actually wanted to talk to you about that…”

“Oh honey, I know you and your Dad don’t always see eye to eye but— “

“I don’t want to talk about him.” She cuts her Mom off. “If that’s okay.”

The older woman nods. “What do you want to talk about then, sweetheart?”

The softness in her voice is enough to make her smile, but the pang in her chest stops it from spreading too far. She’s missed having lunch dates with her Mom when she had just moved out here and started doing things on her own. In hindsight, she thinks that might have been where she went wrong.

She’s always felt like she had to do everything on her own, dismissing everyone who offered a hand. She fell victim to the guys who only ever cared about themselves and fooled her into thinking that their dissociating was a part of them respecting her independence.

“I wanna start doing our lunch dates again.” She starts softly. “Remember how we used to do those right after I moved out?”

Her Mom’s eyes light up at the memory.

“I would love that more than anything.”

Gwen smiles. “Me too. I know I’ve been…. distant. I think I just really needed to figure out who I was without the influence of you and Dad. But I’ve realized recently that time is precious and I really can’t afford to waste any more.”

She knows her Mom as being a woman of fewer words, but the look on her face is one that’s completely foreign to her. She’s torn between wanting to ask and being scared of the answer. She’s made a promise to herself to be less of a coward though and so she pushes her fears to the side, bracing herself for whatever answer might be coming her way.

“What’s wrong?”

Patti shakes her head. “Nothing is wrong. I just…. I’m so sorry, Gwennie.”

Gwen shrinks back into her seat a little, the last thing she expected was an apology. She swallows hard and her Mom takes the liberty to reach her hand across the table and wait for her daughter to meet her halfway. Gwen does so softly, smiling when her mother squeezes her hand and holds it at the middle of the table.

“I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you when you were younger. I know how hard he made things for you and I should’ve known it was too much for you. It would’ve been for anyone.”

Gwen chokes up, starting to shake her head but her mother gently beckons her to be quiet.

“There’s no shame in saying you weren’t equipped to handle that type of responsibility. We made you feel like you weren’t good enough and for that I’m so sorry. I am so proud of you Gwen, of the woman you are, the one who’s sitting across from me now. I thank God every night for you.”

She’s been crying more lately, letting it out. The therapist she started seeing a few months ago had shown her the importance of letting things air out and allowing feelings to be felt. Here in front of her mother, she feels like all her old pain is visible to her eye and for the first time, she’s relieved at that.

Her mother smiles when Gwen is unable to keep in fresh tears and she feels two secure arms wrap around her quickly. She barely had time to register her Mom letting go of her hand and walking around the table to hold her. She can’t remember the last time she’d been in her mother’s arms, but she can finally say she feels like she’s come home.

“I’m proud you’re carving out some more time for yourself, too.” Her mom cooes softly in her ear, keeping her arms tightly around her. “Work is important, but not as much as your happiness is. Will you please remember that?”

Gwen sniffs and nods. “I think this is the first time I’ve felt truly like myself. I haven’t spent this much time with friends in like years. I’ve also gone back to my earlier passion, not much, cause I’m still pretty busy but just sometimes….”

Her mother’s eyes widen. “Oh honey!”

Gwen lets out a breathy laugh, her hands coming up to give her Mom’s arms a squeeze in return. “It helps to write everything down occasionally. I didn’t even know I could still do that.”

“Don’t be silly.” Her mom berates her. “You always wrote the prettiest songs. You have a beautiful voice, too.”

Gwen smiles again. “Thanks, Mom.”

“I’m so proud of you.” The older woman says softly. “I’ve always believed in you. I’m glad you finally started doing the same.”

\--

She hasn’t seen Blake for close to a year.

It’s been the hardest thing to do to keep her distance, to accept the fact that she had pushed him away for good. She used to dream about him showing up at her doorstep, forgiving her and starting over with a clean slate. Those dreams stopped after a few months and she started giving into the possibility he had actually forgotten about her. It would serve her right and she knows that.

It’s been important for her to stay single after what happened. She never even went on a date with another man after Blake had left that one afternoon. Though she never actually dated the constructer, her heart hadn’t been able to feel the benefits of that. Working on herself proved to be the hardest thing, but most rewarding in the end.

She started sleeping all the way through the night, without crying herself to sleep. Work had started feeling like it had when she first started out too and that might have been the biggest improvement for her. Losing a bit of the love she felt for her job had pushed her into that dark abyss the most ferociously. Climbing her way out of there had been one hell of a task, but the view from up here was one she wasn’t willing to compromise ever again.

Blake has stayed in the front of her mind throughout it all, though. She thought that getting in a better headspace would mean forgetting about the handsome cowboy, but that hasn’t been the case so far. She started having to digest the realization that maybe Blake was never part of the problem. Maybe he was always part of her solution.

Celebrating the fact her brand now not only went international, but also connected with a huge name in the market to become their brand ambassador, had filled Manny with enough joy to keep her at his mansion the whole evening. After the flowing of nearly two bottles of wine and lots of good food, she was unable to keep him out the loop on her confusing, yet very real feelings.

She smiles when she thinks back to Manny's direct words.

“Gwen sweetheart, listen to me. I don’t know this Blake guy, but I know you and your eyes light up when you so much as _think_ about the man. I know we all say we’re too busy with work to have time for anything else, but that’s a fucking lie and you know it. Blake seems like the type of guy who’s worth carving some time out for. Am I right?”

She regrets not telling Manny about Blake sooner—preferably when he was still in her life. She thinks he could’ve offered her a perspective back then that would’ve forced her to take a much more honest look at things.

“I was too scared.” Had been her answer to Manny yesterday. “He made me feel too much, too soon and I pushed him away.”

Healing her own mind had consisted of a lot of reflecting and it had shocked her how many signs she ignored. She should’ve realized much sooner that what she and Blake had, was not just a rebound or something to keep her mind off of her incredibly lacklustre life at the time. Blake had been anything but a distraction.

He was real. He was right.

“Mistakes can be fixed, gorgeous.” Manny had said. “You just have to be willing to do the work. Do you love him?”

_Do you love him?_

If this had been a few months ago, she would’ve gotten in her car and left—not ready to deal with such honesty and rawness. But she’s in a different mindset these days and she figures the question deserves some honest attention.

She’d been fighting the truth for such a long time, it had felt like a burden had been taken off her shoulders when she finally allowed herself to say it. To _feel_ it.

“I think I have from the start.”

It had been surprising, the way Manny nearly jumped up at that. He hugged her and for a second she didn’t understand why. Until he spoke again.

“Then go get him, sister. Lord knows you’ve waited for this all your life and I won’t sit around and watch you not even try to get him back.”

She had laughed it off a bit last night, partially because she was heavily under the influence and so was he. But today, she’s as clearheaded as can be and the prospect of showing up at Blake’s doorstep feels just slightly less crazy. Still insane, but at least considerable.

It had been heavy on her mind; the anniversary of his father’s death coming up. She remembers the date vividly, unable to forget about the way he arrived at her house that night. Completely shattered and broken, just needing her company to get him through the night. Looking back at it now, that had been the moment that solidified her love for him.

When he laid all his cards out on the table and told her how he felt about her, moments before she broke his heart, he’d mentioned something about time being extra meaningful to him now—as his loss put certain things in perspective.

Approaching that first year since his Dad’s passing, she wonders if he still feels the same.

Cause _she_ does.

She remembers Manny's words and the meeting with her Mom before that. When Blake came into her life, she wasn’t ready to see that for the blessing that it was, but she can now. Even if she’s too late, even if he forgot about her completely, she knows he's worth taking the risk.

When she gets in her car, it’s a little over ten pm. It’s the weirdest feeling to type in his address in her car GPS and she hates the fact she hasn’t ever been there before. He had texted her the details to his place once after he came back from the funeral, just in case of an emergency. She couldn’t let her mind wonder about what those could be without tearing up.

The route indicates it will take her less than forty minutes to get there. It dawns on her that it’s way too late for this to be appropriate, but she can’t go to sleep another night without telling him exactly how she feels. How none of the things she said to him the last time they spoke were true. She had always reciprocated his feelings and he deserves to know that.

It had been hurtful to never hear from him again, not even on her birthday. But she didn’t blame him for it. In fact, she realizes it should’ve been her all along to take that step—to reach out.

She just prays like hell that she isn’t too late.

The way over there kind of happens in a daze. It feels surreal that she’s about to be face to face with Blake again. In her many dreams about him, he never stopped looking at her with that adoring look in his eyes. It had taken her several months to stop crying each time she remembered how he looked at her that very last time.

She enters his residential area after about thirty-five minutes. The neighbourhood is filled with medium sized houses that look much like the one her parents live in. It floods her with another sense of familiarity. The GPS points her to a singular house around the block, hidden behind a large tree. It’s one of the four houses on the street, a more secluded area.

Her hands shake a little when she turns of the engine and tries removing the car key. She wills herself to take a few deep breathes, focusing on the lights that are still on inside.

At least she’s not waking him up with her impromptu visit.

She fixes her hair on the way to his porch, her eyes falling on Blake’s truck that’s parked in the garage. Her heart is beating so fast, she can feel it in her throat.

This is happening. She’s seeing Blake again in a few seconds.

The sound of his doorbell ringing fills her with both excitement and dread. She knows there’s a big possibility he’ll send her back home without even hearing her out. If that were to happen, she thinks the knowledge she at least tried would have to hold her over.

The door opens slowly, way too slowly as her throat tightens with nerves. She forces a soft smile on her face despite it, curling a quick hand through her hair.

She’s faced with a pair of surprised but gentle eyes—but they’re not Blake’s.

They belong to a young female, wearing sweat pants and a button-down Gwen recognizes all too well. Her dark blonde hair is poker straight and pulled back into a low ponytail, wearing little make-up. It gives her some warmth, complementing her pale face rather than making her look washed out. Gwen couldn’t deny the girl was pretty.

“Can I help you?” The girl asks softly, taking in Gwen’s presence carefully.

Her eyes are nearly the same colour blue as Blake’s, and from the way she talks, it sounds like she comes from the South as well.

Gwen had prepared herself for the possibility to be send away, but weirdly enough this scenario never even popped up in her head. It’s a situation way worse than the ones she _did_ think up—not only did he forget about her, he also replaced her.

“Uhm….Hi.” Gwen stutters, biting her lip from letting out a sob, and probably scaring the girl shitless. Though she wants nothing more but to see Blake, she knows that staying here would be beyond selfish. She starts shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I think I must’ve gotten the wrong place.”

Before she can turn around, the girl is talking again.

“What place are you looking for?” She asks sweetly. “Maybe I can point you to the right address.”

The woman’s kindness even reminds her of Blake’s and she’s not surprised to learn that he found himself a girl more like himself. She starts shaking her head again, ready to get the hell out of here before a familiar voice freezes her immediately.

“ _Gwen_?”

The girl looks behind her at the same time Blake lays eyes on Gwen and his arm gently rubs her shoulder. “She’s an old friend.” He shares with his girlfriend, putting a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “Give me a second?”

There’s no malice or reluctance in the girl’s stare, only a bit of surprise. She nods softly and Gwen presses her eyes shut when she lets her hands trail across his chest for a split second. It’s a move that seems so automatic and she can’t help but wonder how many times she’s gotten to do that. How long she’s been able to touch Blake in all the ways she can only continue to dream about.

When he’s left alone with Gwen, he looks at her like he swears he must be dreaming—or hallucinating.

“What are you doing here?”

There’s an awkward moment of silent staring before she forces herself to talk.

“Hi. I’m sorry.” She ducks her head, not quite knowing what to say now. “I didn’t know….”

Blake blinks at her again. “I don’t understand.”

“I came to see you.”

“You _can’t_ ….” He looks behind him once, turning his gaze back to her after running a rough hand over his face. “You can’t show up here like this.”

The words physically deflate her, but she nods regardless.

“I get that. I’m sorry.”

She starts making her way back to her car, fighting the tears that threaten to spill over, when his voice stops her in her tracks.

“Why did you come to see me in the first place?” He asks. “Why now?”

She turns back around to face him, her hands still shaky as they now fumble with the edge of her jacket.

“You were right.” She whispers, her voice slightly breaking. “About everything you said to me. I just wanted…. I wanted to come by and tell you that. And to let you know that I’m sorry for hurting you—if that still matters to you.”

They stare at each other in silence, the only sounds coming from the wind outside and the crickets chirping out in the yard. If the moment wasn’t filled with so much underlying tension, it could’ve passed for peaceful. She can tell Blake’s fighting whatever it is he wants to say, until he’s done resisting it.

He takes one small step from out of the doorway, careful not to close the door entirely but making it impossible for Gwen to still have a view of his hallway.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve coming here, you know that?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it again quickly. She didn’t come here to fight, but she can’t dismiss his anger either. She opened herself up to this possibility and she’s tired of taking the easy way out. She wants to show Blake she’s changed, even if it makes no difference anymore.

“I know you’re angry.” She says softly, biting her lip again. “I deserve that. I wouldn’t have come here if I had known…— “

“If you’d known about Gabby?”

 _Gabby_. She thinks she could’ve gone without knowing her name, knowing for damn sure that name will haunt her in her dreams for months to come.

Gwen sighs deeply. “Yeah.”

“If you showed up here to just tell me you figured out I was right about what I said, you could’ve saved yourself the trip. Because I can stand here right now and tell you ‘no shit’, Gwen.”

She shuffles from foot to foot, anxious to make her escape. She wants to tell Blake she hasn’t been able to get him off her mind ever since he left, and how she’s dying to make things right, but none of that seems fair to let him know now.

“I didn’t mean to upset you any more than I already have.”

Blake shakes his head exasperatedly. “I don’t get you at all.”

“I’m here because I realized I messed up. I wanted to let you know because despite what you might think, I’m not some heartless bitch who stopped caring about you the minute you left. I just wanted to admit to you I was wrong, that’s all. I’ve obviously waited too long to tell you and that’s my fault…” Tears start blurring her vision. “I’m just so sorry.”

She starts walking off again, trying to protect them both from her doing any more damage.

His hand on her arm shocks her, her head whipping around immediately. He lets go the moment he’s got her attention, not lingering a second longer than necessary.

“Gwen…” He whispers. “I’m sorry. I appreciate what you’re saying. I just— “

“I’m too late, I understand that Blake.”

He grimaces before nodding slowly.

“I didn’t think I was ever gonna see you again.” He admits lowly and she’s left to wonder what that admission means exactly.

She knows it wouldn’t be fair to ask.

“I know. I just don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Gwen.” Blake says softly. “But I worked to get over you once already. I don’t think I could survive having to start all over again.”

The tears she’d been fighting ever since Gabby opened the door finally fall and she whisks them off her cheeks quickly. She looks up at Blake, nodding. “I get that.”

“I’m sorry.”

Gwen places a tentative hand on Blake’s forearm, the unbridled pain in his eyes when he meets her gaze breaking her heart.

“I want you to be happy.” She’s surprised at how much she still means those words, even when he’s finding his happiness with someone else. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.”

He bites his lip, the look in his eyes becoming darker and he takes a few steps back a second later.

“Me too.”

Gwen nods, the gesture saying more than words ever could.

“Goodbye Blake.”

Before coming here tonight, she thought she could accept whatever faith was waiting for her here. She thought she could walk away from him forever if he made it clear he wanted her to.

But _now_?

She’s not sure she can.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I just wanted to clarify something from the last chapter. The conversation Gwen had with her friend before she showed up at Blake’s doorstep, was written as a convo with Greg. Some people have already noticed, but that was supposed to be Manny. I fixed the mistake, so if this confuses you, you can reread the last chapter without any errors now. Manny is the co-founder of Gwen’s company (as introduced in ch.4).

It’s the first night in three months where she hasn’t been able to catch any shut eye. It used to be a direct response to her restless mind and heart, incapable of finding any satisfaction in her life. It’s different this time. She loves her job, her friends and the fact that she’s started living again instead of just solely surviving. This time her issue with finding any sleep has to do with the amount of love that courses through her chest. She feels it all the way in her stomach, sliding down to her legs and toes. It wires her up in a way she’d only ever read about until now. It’s the type of thing she used to roll her eyes at.

It’s unfair how when you stop seeking it, stop looking for it so desperately, it finds you.

In the middle of the night no less.

She wants to laugh at the universe’s way of telling her she messed up. She wants to cry at the fact that the first time she experiences a love like this, is when the other person could never reciprocate. Part of her doesn’t _want_ him to.

He’s in a relationship for Heaven’s sake. To be the man she knows he is, to be the man she wants so badly, he would have to turn her down each time. The knowledge sends a shooting pain through her chest, making her cough a few times to get rid of the sting and overwhelming pressure.

She got up out of bed early, getting tired of the sheets tickling her awake skin. She wanted to walk around, feel the sun on her body and be productive. Her mind needs the distraction and with the large work pile on her desk, she knows she can get through most of the day that way.

The studio welcomes her back for the millionth time today and she smiles when sitting down at the marble work table. Her finger traces around the sharp edge of furniture, laying out the different designs horizontally. There’s a lot of new ideas that need approving and rough drafts that need to be finalized. She works through them until her fingers tingle beneath the strain of her fatigue and her eyes struggle to see clearly. It’s what she likes though; that feeling of purpose, that feeling of doing what she’s supposed to be doing. It also helps to have reinstated that love she had for fashion as a little girl, and it shows in her new work. She hears it all the time now and even if she’s reaching, she likes to think this place has something to do with it too.

Being in here inspires her. It makes her want to be the best she can be, never wasting any of _his_ hard work.

Memories might not always be kind to her, neither is the nagging feeling of regret, but she would gladly take a lifetime more of it if that’s all she’s gonna get. Her eyes start feeling heavy at the last batch of designs and she works herself tirelessly to get through them. She pinches the bridge of her nose, adjusting her glasses and using her two fingers to rub at her temple. She side glances the clock on the wall, realizing that if she wants to finish all of this today, she’s gonna need a well-deserved break. And some coffee.

She’s tidying up the work table when the sound of a car pulling up gets her attention. She carefully adjusts the folders before walking out to her gate. For a moment, she thinks she’s dreaming, wishing him to be here so badly she actually started seeing things. But when his car window rolls down and his hand motions for her to let him in, she realizes that he’s indeed here.

She tries to breath past the sudden fog in her chest and clumsily types in the combination to her large silver fence. The sound of gravel crushing beneath his tires is loud when he enters her property, the truck parking in the exact same spot he used to do back when he still worked for her. She smiles softly at the moment of recognition.

He’s dressed in his signature jeans, a tightly fitted black button down gracing his chest. His brown curls are ever so inviting, the look on his face slightly reluctant. He waves at her a bit awkwardly before stepping on her patio. Having him stand here again after a year has her heart rate going a million miles per minute, her hands clammy all the sudden.

“I don’t know if this is okay.” He says softly, his eyes searching for any kind of reaction from her.

She can’t seem to give him any.

“If you want me to leave, I’ll go.” He adds.

She sighs deeply, shaking her head. If the situation was different, she would’ve jumped in his arms and told him again how sorry she was. How badly she messed up and how much she missed him. But she can’t do that now, so she simply clears her throat and bites her lip.

“You’re always welcome here.”

He smiles softly. “Can I come in?”

She steps aside to let him in, following him on his heels. The door closes behind them with a soft thud and she carries herself over to the coffee machine first.

“You want anything?” She asks, watching as Blake takes a seat at her diner table.

He looks around the place a bit, obviously trying to familiarize himself again and realizing there are quite some new adjustments that have been made since he last was here.

“I like what you did with the place.” He says, shooting her a sincere look. “Coffee would be nice.”

She nods, grabbing two cups from the cabinet and setting them under the automatic coffee machine.

“I thought I could use a change.” She answers softly, following the dark liquid as it’s being poured. “After you finished the studio, I realized I owed it to myself to do everything I’ve always dreamed of with this place.”

Blake nods as he watches her bring over their drinks, sitting down across from him. He thanks her softly while cradling the hot cup between his hands, letting go soon enough when he realizes it’s too hot. She shoots him a soft smile, his features nearly blinding as she gets the chance to take him in again. When she showed up at his place, her nerves had been so prominent. But here in the daylight, feeling slightly more relaxed, she gets lost in his presence like it’s the first time she laid eyes on him.

“Can we just….” He shakes his head, swallowing before looking back at her. “Can we just talk?”

Her eyes soften, but the confusion is clearly written all over her face.

“What?”

“After you came by last night, I realized I was wrong.” He says softly, his voice low. “I was angry and surprised and I didn’t know what to say to you.”

“I should’ve called or something.”

Blake waves a hand in front of him. “It wouldn’t have mattered to be honest. If you had called, I probably would’ve told you not to come.”

It hurts to hear those words but she knows it’s not totally undeserved.

“Then why are you here?” She whispers, unable to keep some of the pain out of her voice.

“Because I realized that for you to come over there and say the things you did—that couldn’t have been easy.” His eyes search for hers again. “After a bit of time to wrap my mind around what had happened, I realized I didn’t even ask you how you were.”

“I guess you weren’t really interested in knowing that.”

Blake nods. “You’re right. I wasn’t.”

Gwen hums. “And now you are?”

“I haven’t seen you in a year. You showed up out of the blue and I can’t just pretend like that didn’t happen. I can’t pretend like I never cared about you at all. I wanna know how you’re doing.” He says softly, as if the words embarrass him a little to say out loud. “I read about you in the paper the other day. Congrats on the expansion, you deserve it.”

She can’t hide the smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth. “Thank you.”

“You must’ve been busy.”

“In a good way, yeah.” She rakes a hand through her hair. “I’ve made some necessary changes and it’s been good for me. I had a lot of dead weight to get rid of.”

Blake looks at her intensely, her heart hammering at the look in his eyes. She knows that look all too well; the overwhelming memories of his honesty hitting her way too hard back then, never being in the right place to handle it.

“How did that go?”

She scoffs. “Therapy. Lots of it.”

He looks surprised, a soft expression taking over his features then.

“I’m sorry you had to go through so much pain, Gwen. You did not deserve that.”

It feels backwards to hear him say that to her, as she knows she should be the only one apologizing. The only one feeling sorry for the hurt she caused. Hearing Blake utter those words gets her reply to die on the tip of her tongue.

“I’m fixing it now.”

The words mean much more than she lets on, but the slight stutter in Blake’s demeanour makes her think that he caught on regardless.

“That’s good.” He whispers.

She watches as he takes another sip of the freshly brewed coffee. He looks bemused, maybe even a little weirded out and she can’t blame him. He runs a hand through his messy curls in a way to put his nerves to use, his button up pretty much completely opened at the front. It was a sight that she had missed dearly. He looks up from his cup to see her already watching him. As much as that used to embarrass her, she can’t get herself to care anymore now. She just smiles widely as she’s caught checking him out.

She leans one elbow on the table, leaning forward while bracing herself for what’s to come.

“I’m really sorry for showing up at your place the other day.” She says quickly, realizing the irony of saying that again after he just did the same. “I didn’t think it all the way through; I just missed you and I felt so many things, so many _regrets_ , about the way I handled that situation.”

“What situation?” Blake asks, his stare a blank one.

Normally she would be used to Blake’s honesty, always pushing for the truth. But this time looks different. His eyes aren’t darkening, he’s not squinting his eyes at her like he can see the truth pooling right there in her chest, his voice doesn’t even match the usual persuasive one that made her want to spill all her secrets.

He sounds adamant, but not desperate.

“How we ended things.” She replies honestly. “It’s not how I wanted to do it. I didn’t want to do it at all.”

This time, he does grimace.

“Life works in peculiar ways, I guess.”

Gwen bites her lip. “But in our case, it wasn’t life throwing us for a loop, was it? It was me.”

Blake’s hand sets down the cup of coffee, one of his fingers tracing the stone pattern in her table. He doesn’t look up or acknowledge her confession in any other way.

“You did what you thought was right for yourself.” He mutters, not sounding unfriendly. “It took me a while to realize that maybe that was for the best. Some things work out even when in the moment you can’t see it.”

Gwen feels tears form in her eyes. This man was once so committed to being there for her, making her happy, and now all that love and care is there for someone else to benefit from. She was so messed up at the time, she couldn’t even enjoy it when she was still at the receiving end of it.

“Are you happy?” She asks.

Blake scratches the back of his head, giving her a soft smile. She feels like she’s gonna be sick when he gently nods at her.

“I’m in a good place.” He answers. “Last year I took the time to properly mourn his loss and accept whatever wave of pain decided to hit daily. Lately, I’ve been feeling more like myself again—more excited about what the future holds.”

“That’s good.” Gwen chokes out. “That’s really good. You deserve it.”

“Thanks.”

The look on his face shows her he feels bad for her and it’s the final slap to her face that make tears prickle behind her eyes. She could deal with his frustration, even his rejection, but never his pity. It was painfully obvious that he was thinking the same thing she’s been doing ever since showing up at his doorstep two days ago.

She’s too late.

It’s one thing to feel it so vividly alone at night, but it’s a whole other thing to have that feeling be confirmed by the very person who she wants back. She looks at his chest, watching as it rises and falls rapidly and she decides in that moment that fear has ruled too much of their relationship already. She just needs to hear him say the words out loud.

“You and… _Gabby_ —is it serious?”

“Gwen…” Blake sighs.

“I just need to know. I mean she opened the door when I showed up at your place and you’re telling me you’re happy, so I just want to know.”

“Yeah, it’s serious.” Blake answers, delivering the words straight to her face. His voice lacks any animosity or malice and that might even hurt worse. He’s not saying these words to hurt her, he’s saying them cause they’re true. “I’ve been seeing her for about six months and it has been nice to get to know someone on that level again. She’s been good for me.”

“She looks young.”

Blake scoffs. “I tell you she’s been good for me and all you have to say is that she looks young?”

“I’m sorry.”

“She’s two years younger than me. Is that okay with you?”

“I already said I’m sorry.” She reaches out for his hand quickly, surprised when he doesn’t pull away immediately. Her whole body feels like it’s sending shockwaves through her nervous system at the simple gesture of holding his hand, feeling his rough skin against hers again.

“I just want you to be happy, I mean that.” She says softly, looking down to their joined hands. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Listen Gwen, no hard feelings okay?” He speaks to her so softly she feels like she could cry, but she forces her tears back in favour of hearing him out. “What happened, happened. It’s in the past now. We’re both in better places, that’s all that matters.”

Gwen swallows roughly.

“Yeah.”

“It’s really good to see you do so well for yourself, Gwen. I’m proud of you.”

She looks up at his handsome face, resisting the urge to run her fingers along his jaw and lips. He looks criminally good all the time, in a rugged very nonchalant kind of way. Somehow he looks even better after some time has passed.

“That means a lot, Blake.”

Her thumb softly strokes the skin on his hand, his eyes boring straight into her soul. The moment feels like an outer body experience, the way his gaze transports here to a universe so far beyond the one she knows, is both scary as it’s familiar. She hates herself for taking it for granted all this time.

He pulls his hand away from her grasp slowly, breaking the intense stare-off. She’s disappointed by it, but not surprised. He’s a good man and it would be a hard sell to pass this off as two friends just having a moment.

Blake clears his throat, looking at her a bit uneasy.

“I should probably get going.”

She wants to nod, but she can’t get herself to do so. She watches as Blake slowly gets up from his place at the table, sliding one of his hands in his pocket.

Maybe it’s the clear fog in her brain that makes it hard for her to think straight, or maybe it’s the knowledge she’s about to say goodbye to him _again_ , but she stands up a bit erratically and motions for him to wait. It’s been an idea she’d been flirting with all night, but couldn’t get herself to voice out loud. Not until now.

“Uhm Blake, I was wondering….” Her voice trails off, her teeth gnawing at the inside of her cheek. “Would you be able to help me out one last time? I’ve been meaning to hire another company to help install my new kitchen counter. I know it might be a lot to ask, but… _well_ I still have your card and you’ve done such amazing work before—I don’t think I could trust anyone with that job more than you.”

Blake doesn’t respond right away as he looks down at the ground, then back up at her.

“Are you insane?”

She stares at him nervously, her heart thumping inside her chest.

“Just hear me out— “

“You want me to work for you again after everything that happened?” He asks bewilderedly. “After I tell you I’ve started dating again?”

Out of habit, she walks closer to him. She keeps from reaching out to him, hoping to convey her next words with as much conviction as she can muster.

“If you don’t want to do it, I’ll hire someone else.” She whispers. “I just…. I don’t find it easy giving up control, you know that. But I trust you, and I’ve seen what you can do with a place. Can you just think about it?”

Blake blinks at her erratically.

“I really need to go, Gwen.” He walks towards the front door, leaving her with an aching feeling in her chest. “Thanks for the coffee….and the talk.”

She’s watched him walk out of the door way too many times now. She can only hope he just closed the door on their _today_ this time—and not on their forever.

\--

The weather in LA had certainly disappointed her these last few weeks, the chilliness and icy breeze that decorated the usually sunny state had left her feeling tired and annoyed. She thanked the heavens for the build in heaters she had in place, fighting the cold that penetrated the walls of her mansion. She had wrapped herself up in one of her oversized woollen sweaters and was hurdled up on the couch underneath a thick blanket.

Outside it looked like it could be well into the evening, but it had barely reached afternoon status. Work had been slow today and since she did most of her working in the studio from this point on, she didn’t have to leave the confines of her house at all. It had been quite an adjustment—but the good kind. Her assistant Lizzie helped her out four times a week, and with the woman both being her colleague and her best friend, it filled her with a bunch of joy to have her over so often. All that aside, she’s grateful for the slow day and the opportunity to call Lizzie and tell her she’s off work duty today.

Gwen had been on the couch watching shitty reality TV all day, trying to keep her mind from running wild. It had been a development for sure, being able to sit back and do nothing, without feeling like she was lacking something important. But she still finds it hard to focus, especially with a certain cowboy still flooding her senses.

He didn’t contact her since yesterday, but she didn’t necessarily expect him to. The look in his eyes when she asked for his services again had been intimidating to say the least. She had at least hoped there would’ve been a shimmer of hope in his eyes—anything resembling that he found it hard to turn the offer down.

Instead, she was met with nothing but clear determination.

She sighs, leaning back into the couch and absently zapping through numerous channels. She was restless; that much was obvious.

Her mind wanders to when she first met her ex-husband. It had been a while since she thought about the man—which was a good thing—but she finds herself going over certain similarities in her head. She’d first laid eyes on him during a reception held by her boss at the time. She’d been working as an apprentice at a marketing agency that focused on high profile fashion brands. The wedding reception had been held in a large mansion upstate, with beautifully manicured gardens. She remembers that detail specifically, since that’s where she first met the man who seemed so far out of her league at the time. She had always felt a little out of her comfort zone around the so blatantly rich and her ex had been a nice distraction from that. He was successful himself, but he didn’t carry himself in the snobby way she was used to back then. When they started dating, she’d taught herself to ignore the whispers and stares. _She_ had been the one they didn’t think good enough for him. They had treated her much like she treated Blake only a year ago and it has taken her this long to notice.

She never thought herself to be better than Blake—she just saw too much of _herself_ in him.

The sound of her phone ringing snaps her out of her thoughts, her finger reaching for the remote and muting whatever is playing on the television. In her dense state, she forgets to check the caller ID entirely.

“Hello?”

There was a silence she didn’t understand, double checking if she had actually hung up on whoever was calling instead of hitting accept.

“I’ll do it.” Blake speaks softly, his voice causing her heart rate to speed up.

“Blake.” She breathes, relieved to hear his voice again, but surprised to hear the words that are coming out of his mouth.

“But Gwen, I’m doing this as a favour to you cause….” There’s another silence, before he continues. “Because we have history. This is not me trying to have a repeat of what we had.”

Hearing him refer to their relationship past tense shouldn’t sting as much as it does, but she pushes that away. He wants to help her out, wants to put himself in a situation where he’s forced to spend more time with her. She’s not about to say or do anything to ruin that a second time.

“I get that.” She replies, swallowing roughly. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Blake chuckles. “Just promise me we’ll keep it strictly professional and I think I’ll be fine.”

“Is your girlfriend okay with this?” She asks instead. “Does she even know about our _history_?”

“She knows that you’re a friend, who I’ve met during one of my constructer jobs. That’s all she needs to know because that’s all it’ll ever be.”

The words fill her with actual dread and it becomes hard to breath past it.

“Blake…”

“Do you still want my help or not?”

She bites her lip, swallowing down every selfish plea that lays on the tip of her tongue. Maybe this is the redemption her therapist talked about with her so often; accepting Blake’s friendship while knowing he’s giving the most important piece of his heart to someone else, might be what she owes him.

She nods. “I do.”

“Great.” He affirms, his voice not letting her in on much. “When do you want me to start?”

“As soon as possible. Lizzie will be here tomorrow so we can pick up the chosen countertop, so if you want to come over to take measurements and see what you’re working with, you’re welcome to stop by.”

“I have some plans tomorrow morning, but I can swing by in the afternoon. Is that alright with you too?”

She needs to actively stop herself from prying for information about his ‘plans’, but she succeeds in doing so.

“That’s fine. Just let me know what time you think you’ll be here and I’ll make sure I have everything ready.”

“Works for me.”

“And Blake, thank you again for saying yes. You’re really helping me out big time.”

The silence that falls feels uneasy, but she doesn’t dare to break it. She knows that Blake is working hard at keeping that necessary barrier between them and as much as she wants to sledgehammer her way through it, she knows that’s not the way to go.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, Gwen.”

The admission softens her features, wraps her heart in something that feels much like love.

“I know.” She whispers.

“I care about you.”

“I know.”

“I’ll see you later.” His voice loses some of the vulnerability it had only seconds ago, but she takes what she can get.

“See you tomorrow.”

Blake is a good man and she wants him to be happy. She’s still convinced she can do that for him, even when he seems to have lost that faith completely. If she’s too late, she will cut her losses soon enough. But she will hate herself forever if she didn’t at least try. At least this way, she can have Blake in her life as a friend again.

She vows to herself she won’t let him go a second time.


	13. Chapter 13

“I can’t feel my legs.” Gwen huffs, short breathes escaping from her partly opened mouth.

Lizzie chuckles, though she’s a few steps behind Gwen and not running quite as fast. It’s been a while for both women since they’ve done this, but Gwen could use the distraction—especially now Blake was working in her house again and things were undeniably different this time.

“Come on, we can do this.” Her friend smiles, laughing out loud when she catches Gwen peeking at her through narrow and disbelieving eyes. “This was your idea in the first place.”

She straightens up, her hands on her hips.

“I know. I needed to get out of the house for a while, just clear my head.”

“Uh huh.” Lizzie mocks her gently, breathing a little harder than normally too.

Gwen cocks her head. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re telling me that you needing to get out of the house has nothing to do with Blake being in there? The one _you_ invited back to come work for you after— “

“After I broke his heart?” Gwen cuts in, speaking fast. “Please don’t remind me.”

Her friend shakes her head, wrapping an arm around her.

“I was gonna say after you nearly died trying to get over him.”

Gwen looks at the other woman holding on to her, wincing a little bit at her words. Though they’re not false, they’re also not completely true.

“That sounds even worse.” Gwen grimaces. “And to be honest, I don’t think I ever _did_ get over him.”

Lizzie’s eyes soften. “He seems nice.”

This was the first time her friend had met Blake and vice versa. She told Lizzie about him a lot after he left her life nearly a year ago. It was impossible not to tell her close friends after she actively started to work on herself. It had felt good to share that part of her life with them too, finally feeling like her whole little moment with Blake was more than just a spec in time—it was real and it had great magnitude.

She needed it to matter more than anything.

“But?” Gwen asks nervously.

“I don’t know.” Her friend says. “He seems very genuine, very real. It just doesn’t feel like he’s in that same place anymore, if you know what I mean. I just don’t want you to get hurt. That’s all.”

Lizzie’s concerns don’t come out of the blue and Gwen smiles tearfully.

“He’s dating someone else.” She whispers while looking down at the ground, sharp pains still shooting angrily through her hamstrings.

Lizzie looks up at Gwen, a shocked expression lingering on her features.

“Uhm, when were you gonna tell me about that?” She asks.

“I literally found out a few days ago. I haven’t told anyone yet and I really don’t need people to judge me for asking him to come back and work for me, knowing what I know.”

It’s quiet for a few seconds, her friend’s arm nudging her softly.

“So now what?” She asks. “What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You still want him?”

Gwen inhales deeply, the crisp morning air feeling nice against her aching bones.

“You know the answer to that.” She whispers. “It’s always been that way.”

“You deserve someone who can go for you one-hundredth percent.” Lizzie interjects, shaking her head. “Gwen, he can’t do that. _Obviously_.”

“I already let him go once.” She says softly. “I don’t think I can do it again.”

Her friend sighs deeply, rubbing her hand softly along her arm. Gwen knows what her friend is thinking even when she doesn’t say it. It’s what she would think too if she were in Lizzie’s shoes, but she can’t help but feel like there’s still a chance for them.

“Is he happy?” Her friend asks softly.

Gwen’s mouth fills with a bitter taste, her eyes searching for Lizzie’s gaze.

“He says he is.”

“Do you want that for him?”

“Of course.” Gwen exclaims breathily.

“Even if that means letting him go?”

She can feel her chest tighten at that question, the ache from earlier much easier to take than the bitter and heavy feeling tearing at her heart. She loves Blake, she knows that now but there’s suddenly no fair way to let him know about that.

“If he’s really happy….” Gwen whispers, biting her lip. “Then yeah, I’ll let him go. I don’t want to mess up anything good for him, that’s not what I set out to do here.”

“What _are_ you setting out to do?” Lizzie asks, not sounding judgemental at all, solely confused.

“I wanna be honest with him.” Gwen says. “I want to be honest with myself, so that if he does tell me I missed my chance forever, we at least know that we didn’t miss out on anything cause I was a coward. I want him to know I’m willing to fight for him—if he still wants that.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

Gwen looks up so fast it almost looks like she’s flinching.

“Why are you only focusing on the negative?”

“Because Gwen…” Her friend throws her hands up. “I’m just trying to protect you. I don’t want you to get your hopes up and your heart broken. You’ve been through enough. He’s not worth it.”

“You’re wrong.” Gwen whispers, smoothing down some stray hairs in her ponytail. “He’s worth it all. I’ve literally never met a man like him; someone who’s so patient, so real. I felt his care once, Liz. It’s the best damn thing in the world.”

Something about the look on Lizzie’s face changes when she speaks those words, her arms tugging at her until she’s able to pull her in for a hug. She feels her friend’s breath against the side of her face, her hands pressing against her back.

“Okay.” Lizzie whispers. “I trust you, Gwen. If you say this man is good for you, then…I think you’re right about not giving up so easily.”

“I’ll be more careful this time.” She promises softly.

“That’s all I ask.”

After months and months of blacking out and ignoring her friends, she can’t judge Lizzie’s overprotectiveness in this moment.

“I love you, Liz.” Gwen speaks softly into the air between them. “I think we’re going to be okay this time.”

\--

Gwen kicks off her shoes immediately after walking back into the house, her clothes sticking to her sweaty body. She shoots Blake a quick smile after seeing him still at work, walking behind him to retrieve a new water bottle from the fridge.

“You want one too?” She asks out of breath.

He chuckles. “No, thanks.”

She looks up at the smirk on his face, walking towards the main area as she plops down on the couch. She really needs to do this more often, the way her body is screaming in protest showing her it’s been way too long.

“What?” She asks, taking a few large sips and cocking her head at Blake.

He’s still looking at her with amusement, shaking his head before resuming at his job at hand.

“Hey no.” Gwen says when she realizes he’s brushing it off. “Tell me, what’s so funny?”

He’s still taken measurements by the time he’s looking at her again. He wears the same smile she’s seen so many times before and she can’t help the hopeful feeling that fills her chest. He traces his finger along the vertical surface in front of him, biting his lip as a sign of focusing and she misses the touch of his fingers on her skin and the feeling of his lips on hers. He looks back to her and she quickly pushes these thoughts away as if he could see them somehow.

“I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you this…worn out.” He replies, a delayed response to her question.

She raises her brow. “Are you saying I’m in horrible shape?”

“’M saying no such thing.” He drawls.

“It’s what I heard.” She smiles.

Her body stretches out on the couch, the ache in her bones slowly subsiding. She takes another sip of her water and eyes Blake carefully from where he’s checking out the state of her kitchen cabinets that will later hold the counter top.

“You need any help?”

He looks at her surprised, shaking his head.

“This might come as a surprise to you, but I’ve actually done this before. If I needed your help with this, I wouldn’t have been the right guy to hire for the job.”

She throws up her hands.

“I just wanted to be nice.”

“I got it.”

“Okay.” She says, biting her lip.

Her eyes are unable to leave his frame and she knows he notices too. She hasn’t seen him in so long and it’s been over a year since she’s had him in her house. As good as it feels to have him back here, it’s becoming increasingly harder to behave herself with him so close in proximity. She’s always judged people who were so blinded by love or lust they couldn’t control themselves, but she finds herself in much of the same predicament.

After a few silent seconds, she thinks she needs to cool off while also get out of these sweaty clothes. She makes her way off the couch, setting the bottle of water down on the coffee table.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower if you don’t mind.” She informs him, smiling softly when he shoots her a thumbs up.

“I’ve got it covered.”

Gwen nods. “I’ll be quick.”

She heads upstairs, taking off the clothes that stick to her body while checking herself out in the mirror. She looks better than she did a few months ago; she’d gained a little weight, her skin had gotten its normal colour back and the sparkle in her eyes had slowly returned. She’s never been quick to say she looked good, but she feels—and is—in much better shape than a year ago.

The shower is indeed quick, not wanting to leave Blake alone for too long. Not only does she feel like she should be overlooking the process at least a little bit, there’s also a part of her that feels like he’ll somehow float away if she’s not there to control it. It might’ve been a desperate move on her part, asking him to work for her again, but it also showed her an important growth; she was willing to go for what she wanted now, fears be damned. Even though the panicky feeling still hides in the depths of her throat and stomach, she can finally start pushing through them a little bit, give them an equally hard time.

She walks back into the bedroom, refreshed and clean. Her hair is up in a wet ponytail, while going for regular jeans and a white tanktop to match. When she comes back downstairs, Blake has dislocated most of the cabinets from its usual place.

“Rough material to work with?” She asks, grabbing her abandoned water bottle before rounding the kitchen island.

She hangs against the opposite wall, looking over at Blake.

“I wanted to inspect the cabinets so I could apply the glue and have it dry overnight, but I’m afraid you’re gonna need to replace those.” He says while motioning to the cabinets, looking a bit apologetically. “If we apply the glue to these things, you’ll get real damage soon enough. The material is quite old, it can’t last longer than a few months with a new counter topping it.”

Gwen rubs her temples, nodding.

“Okay. I can ask Lizzie to come with me tomorrow, so we can pick out new ones.”

“I have all the measurements written down, I already left it on your dinner table.”

She smiles softly. “Thank you.”

“No problem. After I replace the cabinets, I can start applying the silicone caulk right away and if that goes smoothly, I’ll be able to install the counter top quickly after.”

Gwen swallows roughly.

“Sounds like it’ll be a pretty quick job, then.”

Blake nods. “Yeah. It’s not nearly as demanding as building a whole studio. Who knew, huh?”

“Funny.”

“Oh come on.” He smiles, finally looking at her without any distractions.

“It’s just….” She waves her hand in front of her. “Never mind.”

He raises his brows, tidying up the space around him and making sure all the kitchen items are placed upon the high racks above the sink. He turns around for the faucet and puts his hands underneath the soft stream of water. He keeps his head turned to her.

“What were you gonna say?”

She shakes her head again, deciding against the truth this time.

“It really doesn’t matter, Blake.” She whispers.

“I didn’t mean to snap.” Blake says softly, after a few seconds. “Before you went to take a shower. I didn’t mean to.”

She holds his gaze, a soft smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She figured he’d just let that go, and she was willing to do the same. There’s a familiar feeling of adoration that spreads through her chest at Blake’s willingness to go there and apologize regardless.

“It’s okay.”

He shakes his head again. “It’s not. It’s unprofessional and I don’t…I don’t want to be like that with you.”

It’s an admission that says more than he actually does, but she doesn’t press him on it. She just adds it to her long list of Blake sayings that leave her with more hope than it probably should.

“Will you ever let that go?” She asks, wincing at the pain in her joints that’s still present from her earlier run.

“Let what go?”

“That professionalism.” She replies pointedly. “That feeling like you basically can’t be human without it coming across as unprofessional?”

He frowns.

“I really don’t think we can talk about me taking my professionalism too seriously after what happened here the last time.”

She’s surprised to hear him refer to what they had so easily, part of her had expected him to completely bury it and never speak of it again. She should’ve known that’s not in Blake’s nature though.

“It’s not like what we had was something meaningless.”

“ _Gwen_.” He warns.

She gets the subtle warning.

If she had her way, she wouldn’t comply. She would force him to hear her out, she would continue to look at him through heated eyes, make him hers in the only way she knows how. But he doesn’t deserve that and she can’t risk losing him again. 

“So what do you think of the choice?” She asks, looking down at the light brown marble that’s gonna suffice as her next counter top.

He frowns at the sudden change of subject, but he looks partially relieved too.

She doesn’t know how they’ll continue to do this, how she’ll be able to tip toe around what she really wants before it erupts and spills all over her kitchen floor.

For now, she just smiles and tries to breath normally when Blake takes the life-vest she just threw them and continues a conversation that’s in much saver waters.

“It’s classy and matches the rest of the kitchen. It’s you.”

“Yeah?” She confirms, still leaning against the kitchen wall while eying him from a distance. “The whole place just feels like a more mature version of me, you know? Like, there’s been so much shit happening but also so much growth. I just want a place that screams peace. I want no more feeling like a stranger in my own home.”

Blake nods. “That seems like a fair requirement.”

“I can’t believe it took me so long to realize I was living a life that wasn’t mine.” She says, being persistent in keeping his gaze.

She thinks he’s close to bailing out again, steer them away from the inevitable conversation ahead, but he doesn’t.

“What made you realize it finally?” He asks softly.

She shrugs. “I wasn’t exactly in the best place for a while. Figured it had to come from somewhere. Friends have helped me see it. _You_ too.”

He looks at her hard, a few beats passing between them.

She can physically see the moment he decides to ignore it.

“You want me to put these away somewhere?” He asks, holding a few items that can’t be stored anywhere else.

She shakes her head, pretending like she’s not disappointed by having her sentiment unacknowledged.

“No it’s okay, you can give them to me.”

While taking a few kitchen necessaries off his hands, she accidentally brushes his fingers, lingering just a second too long. Her throat dries up immediately, not even able to remember the last time she had the opportunity to touch him.

She’s standing close enough to smell the strong and heady scent of his cologne, his eyes flashing down at her before he takes a necessary step away from her. 

He continues as if nothing happened and maybe for now, that’s for the best.

“Hey?” He calls for her suddenly, stopping her from walking out of the kitchen and giving him his space to finish up for the day.

“Yes?”

“You were gonna say something earlier.” He refers to the start of their conversation, looking at her a bit awkwardly.

He’s a beautifully tragic juxtaposition, the way he’s standing in front of her now. As much as he seems adamant about keeping her out, he can’t refrain himself from going after the truth, demanding to split open her chest and still have access to her secrets. Despite their current situation making it more of a shock, she shouldn’t be surprised to find out he’s not really dropping it. She can’t remember a time where he ever did.

“Why don’t you just tell me?”

The truth stays on the tip of her tongue, but she can’t get herself to say it.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, now does it?”

He smiles at her softly. “Are we still pretending it’s a secret that you asking me to do this job for you had _anything_ to do with you trusting me the most with it?”

Her eyes widen at his question.

“If that’s what you think, why did you even say yes?”

“Because I wanted to do you a favour.”

“Why?” She presses.

“Why not?” He counters.

She bites her lip.

“I asked you for the job cause I knew you’d be great for it.” She says slowly, looking at him through her lashes. “And…I missed you. I thought about you a lot after you’d left.”

Blake nods. “You could’ve called.”

“Would you have picked up?”

“It’s not about that.” He counters, diligently dogging her question.

Gwen gnaws at the inside of her cheek.

“I didn’t want to make things worse.” She admits softly, scared to look at him but even more petrified of looking away.

“Why do you always take the easiest way out, Gwen?” He asks, his voice dropping an octave. “Don’t you ever get tired of keeping it all so close to the vest.”

She feels her whole body stutter, the magnitude of his words hitting her like actual punches.

“I asked you to come back didn’t, I?” She retorts hurtfully. “I showed up at your fucking doorstep, Blake. How much more do you want me to do?”

“You do that _now_.” He answers, keeping his voice calm, but the storm in his eyes betraying the raging war going on inside. “You showed up almost a year later, and you know what the worst part was? That you actually expected me to still be in the same place.”

“I didn’t—“

“So you didn’t expect me to take you back when you showed up at my house then?”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t…I don’t know _what_ I thought. I think I just stopped thinking for a second. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” She asks. “Think less.”

Blake shrugs while walking out of her kitchen and something tells her he’s done with the conversation without him actually telling her.

“Maybe, yeah.” He says. 

She follows him out to the main room, watching as he decides what to do. He looks at her softly, less animosity in his eyes than a few seconds before and it makes her comfortable enough to take a few more steps towards him.

“I should probably head out…” He starts to say, but not actually creating any distance between them.

“You could stay a while?” She offers. “Hang out a bit, maybe get some food. There’s a pretty good Mexican place down the road, if you’re up for a big lunch.”

“I kinda already have plans for later.” He says softly, breaking their gaze and tapping his fingers against his jeans.

Gwen smooths her tongue along the back of her teeth, trying not to show how much his words dismantle her.

“Oh. With Gabby?”

“Stop doing that.”

”Doing what?”

”Asking questions you know you don’t want answers to.” His eyes never once leave her body and she closes her eyes to keep from screaming out.

“Besides, I’m sure you have enough work to attend to without me taking up all your time.” Blake blurts out. “You want me to be here same time tomorrow?”

She sighs at the rejection he wraps up so nicely.

“Same time is fine.”

He smiles at her gently before attempting to walk past her, his arm brushing hers as he walks towards the door.

She doesn’t know what makes her do it then, but she reaches out for his arm before he’s completely past her, waiting until he’s fully standing still to go in for a hug. Her arms reach around his neck, her cheek pressed tightly into his shoulder. She can feel the stutter of his body beneath hers, but she presses that away for now. A smile creeps onto her face when she feels his arms slowly slide across her back. He never slides his arms lower or leans closer to where her face is pressed against his shoulder, but he doesn’t pull away—and for now, that’s all she really cares about.

They stand like that for what feels like hours and she can’t get herself to break the hug. She feels herself getting emotional, her eyes burning while she holds on to him so tightly. She sighs against his shirt, pushing back the actual tears that threaten to spill over.

She’s missed him so much, it’s hard to believe she’s gone without this man for so many months.

He creates a bit of space between their bodies, staring down at her like he can’t believe she just did that. In a move completely unexpected, he takes both her hands into one of his and kisses her knuckles gently.

She’s staring at him so hard, she’s afraid he can see every single desire pooling in the depths of her brown, her body feeling taut like a bowstring.

“I should go.” He whispers, squeezing her hands before letting go.

She nods her head, the air still rushing to her lungs.

When he walks away this time, she lets him, her heart pounding like she just went for another run. She doesn’t move from the space where he left her, bringing both hands towards her face.

She runs the back of her hand against her lips as if she can still feel his mouth there.


	14. Chapter 14

She tries not to strain her ears to hear, but she finds herself doing the opposite. She’s still sitting on the kitchen floor, the phone call interrupting the first moment between them that didn’t feel awkward after he came back in her life for the second time. She’d been helping him out with colouring the newly bought cabinets with a darker shade of beige. She’d laughed at him when he begged her if he could just make ‘a few adjustments’ which led to him just repainting all the ones she did. She couldn’t even care, she just liked being able to do something with him again. If she lied and told him it was a slow work day, though she’ll have to work twice as hard tonight after he leaves to get up to speed again, so be it.

The phone call had come as a surprise, shaking them both out of the almost dreamy state they were in. He had looked down at the device in his hands and softly muttered an apology before stating he just had to take it. She didn’t have to ask who it was, the look in his eyes gave that answer away before he even so much as said a word.

He had walked away in the next second, motioning for her to continue if she wanted to. She did for a few minutes but she got distracted when she realized she could hear fragments of his conversation from where he was standing in the hallway.

“ _…. I know, it’s been a lot._ ” Blake’s voice says softly, and she frowns at the different tone she’s hearing from him.

She shoots another look over at the cabinets, liking the way they’re turning out but also hating the fact that his time here is already coming to a foreseeable end.

 _“How about tonight?_ ” She hears Blake ask.

_“…. We’ll talk tonight, alright baby girl?”_

She feels the bitterness rise in her stomach and tries desperately to push it back down. The last thing she wants is to be _that_ person, but she feels the clock running out on her chance to build a future with him with every passing second he’s hanging on the phone with her.

He looks a bit deflated when he comes back to her, lowering himself to the floor again to resume his painting job. She tries to keep her curiosity at bay, but just like earlier, she can’t seem to get a lid on it.

“Everything okay?”

He nods. “Just a weird day.”

“I know a little something about those.” She says softly, swiping her brush along the sanded cabinet.

“The truck wouldn’t start so I had to Uber my way here, first of all.” And she actively holds back a chuckle at Blake sounding like the world just came to an end.

“Truly horrible.” She smiles softly, mocking him a little.

“Don’t be cute.” He bites back, but there’s no animosity there.

She laughs.

“Okay, what else?”

His smile fades a little, his head shaking.

“Nothing important. Just…. time management issues, I guess.”

Gwen frowns. “Yeah, I’m gonna need you to give me a little bit more than that.”

She wonders if he’s gonna give into her request, knowing that she’s technically not entitled to anything more. She just wants him to talk to her like he used to, wants to be let back in. He’s quiet for a few seconds, before seemingly making up his mind.

“We both had some time off for a while.” He says reluctantly. “Now we’re both back to work, we’re just trying to get used to having less time together and planning better.”

Gwen swallows roughly, knowing she asked for this but finding it expectedly hard to hear him talk about his new girlfriend.

“What does she do?” Gwen asks, continuing to paint while occasionally looking up at him while he talks.

“She’s a waitress here in downtown LA. Her parents own a ranch in Oklahoma, hence where I met her.”

Gwen cocks her head. “Why did she come to LA?”

She tries to keep the bitterness out her voice, the slight tremor giving her away though. Blake looks up at her and she feels his stare on her despite not reciprocating it.

“She wanted more for herself.” Blake answers. “Meet more people, see more of the world.”

Gwen huffs. “She certainly came to the right place to do that.”

“We both did.”

She finally looks up at him, the cabinets he painted looking a lot more promising than the one she’s done. He chuckles when he catches her staring, looking at her sweetly.

“You want me to finish up with these?” He asks, his eyes landing on the two cabinets Gwen so adamantly made hers.

She reluctantly nods, rolling her eyes when he laughs under his breath.

“Careful.” She points her index finger at him, biting a back her own smile.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She watches him intensely, being completely content with just sitting on her kitchen floor watching him work. She knows she’s gotta get back to her studio at least at some point today, but she figures that can wait a bit longer.

If he minds her staring, he doesn’t say so, and so she continues. She leans backwards against the lower cupboard, quietly playing with her nails.

“Are you okay?” He asks softly, never once tearing his gaze away from where he’s carefully smoothing out the beige coloured paint.

“Yeah, why?”

His tongue is pressed between his teeth in concentration, her stomach twisting at the sight.

“You just got so quiet.”

“I’m just thinking.” She says softly, a gentle smile covering her lips.

“Coming from you…” He states. “That scares me.”

She chuckles, leaning her head back against the wood behind it.

“They’re mostly good thoughts.”

She would tell him about how she can’t think about anything other than him, but she doesn’t think it will do them any good right now. She wishes the time was right though, she wishes she could tell him about how she thinks of hugging him again, or ask him to hold her in his arms. How she thinks about his mouth and can’t stop thinking about kissing him, fucking him.

“That’s good.” He muses softy, finally directing his gaze towards her. “This is nice, right?”

The question throws her off guard, the sincerity in his eyes making it hard for her to suppress the blinding smile that finds its way onto her face. When she crooks her brow, Blake adds to his question some more.

“Hanging out like this, I mean.”

She nods definitely. “It’s really nice.”

He smiles. “It’s almost done. I was thinking of letting it dry for a few hours so I can start implementing them before I leave. That okay with you too?”

“Totally.” She says softly.

They talk while he finishes up the wood work and she laughs when he tells her it’s been a while since he’s been watched doing his job like this. It doesn’t make her stare at him any less, but she doesn’t get the feeling he truly minds.

He follows up on his promise and finishes about a half hour later. Letting the paint dry will take a few hours and she’s surprised to end up on the couch with him, a beer in his hands and a glass of wine in hers. They talk for a while about nothing important, but it feels nice.

She listens when he takes the conversation a bit deeper and talks about the mourning of his dad’s passing and how it’s changed him as a person. She swallows back tears when his voice cracks, but she mostly feels pride at knowing this brave man.

He looks at her intensely. “I still wish you could’ve met him.”

“I wish that too.”

“There’s so much I wish he could see now.” Blake muses out loud, smiling softly. “That’s really been my only goal for this last year, obtaining some peace. Creating a life I could be proud of—one he could be proud of, looking down, you know?”

Gwen swallows roughly. “I do know. I don’t think you know how great you are, though. There’s no way anyone could’ve ever looked at your life and thought you weren’t creating the best you possibly could for yourself.”

Blake smiles. “You’re sweet.”

“It’s the truth.”

“I don’t know. I’ve always lived my life kind of nonchalantly, in a way. I never thought too much about the future, just living in the moment and not stress too much used to be what I was all about.”

“Not anymore?” Gwen asks.

“Less.” He admits. “I think it’s important to think of the future too. I don’t think you can truly work towards something special if you never take the time to think about what _that_ is.”

“Do you know what that something special is yet?”

“I have my suspicions.” He drawls lowly, eyes on her. His forehead creases as he takes in her expression. “What about you?”

She looks up surprised. “What about me?”

“Have you figured out what you want for yourself?”

She lets herself ponder over those words for a moment. It would be too easy to tell Blake about every regret and every single desire she has, every dream that involves him and _their_ future. She knows that’s not a given though and he’s been too open with her for her to ruin it with her own selfish feelings.

“I want to be happy.” She replies.

“Are you?”

“Getting there.” She smiles. “I’m at peace with a lot more than I’ve ever been. I feel healthier and that’s really all I can ask for these days.”

He looks at her softly, his gaze almost enough to make her cry. Even when he doesn’t speak on it much, his care for her is always prominent.

“It’s what you deserve.” His hand gripping the arm rest is hard for her to resist as it would be so easy to just slide her hand over his and feel a bit more of his warmth, aside from his stare.

“Life really has a way of humbling you, huh?” She chuckles. “It’s been….a ride.”

They sit there quietly, just looking at each other for a while.

He takes a large sip of his beer, and while he sits in front of here in complete silence, it hits her exactly how much her heart beats for this person.

His optimism and generosity, the way he once saw her for who she was and still thought she was worth the pursuit, the way he turned his own personal tragedy into fuel to better himself—she loves him.

He bites his lip, lowering his bottle to his lap.

“I thought about calling sometimes.” He says softly, keeping his gaze on her.

Her brows raise.

“What?”

“After I left.” He says. “There were plenty of days where the urge to call was almost too much. I didn’t just stop caring, I want you to know that.”

Gwen whisks away some tears that fall, not trying to hide them any longer. He keeps quiet, but she can tell he’s equally as affected. She knows there’s so much left to talk about, but she just wants to feel him against her, and knowing that she can’t is actively killing her.

“Thank you.” She whispers, her arm wrapping around her midsection, in the same way she wishes Blake could do instead.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

She huffs quietly, shooting him a small smile. “What _doesn’t_ make me cry these days, really?”

He grins. “Someone told me crying is good for the soul, or some shit like that.”

She looks at him incredulously.

He waves a hand in front of him. “Yeah, forget I said that, sounds like bullshit.”

She laughs loudly, throwing her head back. It shouldn’t be this easy for him to change her mood so quickly. It’s been way too long since she’s been able to talk to him like this, but she’s immediately reminded of why it used to be so important to her at one point.

They talk some more and at some point he scoots a bit closer to give her a quick hug. He doesn’t linger long and she doesn’t ask more from him. He feels good against her nonetheless, his hand rubbing along her arm sending goosebumps down her spine.

He pulls away before the moment can turn into something else and by the time they’ve collected themselves, Blake’s ready to finish up his work for the day.

She throws out the empty beer bottle and gets back into the studio for about forty minutes. It’s been a nice afternoon, despite the emotions that spilled out of her unexpectedly, a certain feeling of content spreading through her chest despite of it.

The small hour she spends alone in her studio is peaceful and quiet, her mind at ease after the nice afternoon she spent with Blake. If she had known how quickly that peace would turn against her and be interrupted, she at least would've tried to prepare herself..

*

Blake looks at her sheepishly, his hand rubbing furiously along the back of his neck. If she weren’t so stunned by the whole thing, she would’ve done more to soothe him, but she can barely find her own footing. It’s been one thing to imagine them together whenever he wasn’t around, or eavesdropping on their phone conversation — but it was a whole other thing to have the girl on her property. She tries to push back the horrible feeling of loss and heartbreak that spreads through her. 

“I swear Gwen, I didn’t think she’d come here. She’s just trying to be nice.” Blake says softly, his voice sounding a few beats away from breaking. 

“You should’ve told her the truth.” Gwen replies, biting her lip when she senses her words are causing an eruption in his brain.

Things have been so good today and she can see the peace they obtained with each other slip out of his body just like that.

“She’s being supportive because that’s just who she is.” He bites back.

“Would she still be so supportive if she knew about us? What we had?”

Blake scoffs. “Why, cause she’d have so many reasons to be jealous of what we had?”

She swallows roughly, the pain in her chest making her heave with the pressure of trying to breath past it. His words visibly shake her and she holds her hand up when she can tell he’s about to apologize. 

“Can you please just...just finish up here so you can leave?”

He nods, despite looking like he’s far from done speaking. She turns away from him while trying to gain her bearings back, the sound of her gate being buzzed physically making her ill. The petty thought of not letting the girl in and make Blake walk out there when he’s ready does cross her mind and she hates herself for even being able to think of it. She looks back at Blake who’s tidying up the work space as quickly as he can and if they weren’t on the brink of another fight, she would’ve helped him to speed things along.

Instead, she lets the woman in and walks down the hallway with actual dread. She knows she could just hide upstairs or something, tell Blake to leave his stuff while she’ll deal with it when he’s gone, but she figures that might only implicate her even more. Her head is spinning by the time she sees the small truck drive up her driveway, her hands subconsciously making a little fist. 

The girl is wearing some flowery dress that’s much too cold for the weather they’re experiencing and the smile on her face is so naive, Gwen is almost jealous of it. She can smell the sweet perfume from miles away until she’s met with a friendly hand stretched out her way.

“Gwen, right?”

Knowing there’s no way she can deny the woman’s handshake without coming across as the world’s biggest asshole, she takes it gently.

“Hi.”

“Sorry for just stopping by here. Blake’s had a rough few days so I figured I’d surprise him. Save him one less Uber trip.” Gabby smiles.

Gwen nods. “He told me his truck broke down, yeah.”

“He’s so thoughtful all the time; I couldn’t let the opportunity go by without returning the favour. I’m sure you understand.”

Something inside her twists at the girl’s words, making Gwen itch to get her out of there quickly.

“Blake’s just finishing up, he should be done any second now.”

“Oh, don’t stress it.” Gabby waves off. “We have time. Besides, I’m glad to finally meet you. Formally.”

Gwen swallows. “If you wanna go get him yourself, you can—“

Gwen starts to motion for Gabby to walk inside, anything for this conversation to end, but the girl seems to have another idea.

“Actually, if you don’t mind...” She starts carefully, internally making Gwen wince. “I just wanna thank you for inviting him back to work for you.”

Gwen’s brows almost reach her hairline, the words the least expecting ones. 

“Why?” Gwen asks breathily, surprised.

“It was clear he struggled with the way his last job here ended. I think he felt a real connection to you. Like he lost a meaningful friendship he just couldn’t quite come to terms with.”

Gwen wants to scoff at these words, but she refrains herself from having too much of a reaction.

“He knows he’s always welcome here.” Gwen replies softly.

“I think for a while he was actually _unaware_ of that.” Gabby challenges, making Gwen even more on edge. “He was so reluctant when he told me you asked him back for another job. I’m just glad I got him to reconsider— after what he’s been through, I think it’s good he’s letting go of old resentment.”

Gwen tries to process everything the girl just unleashed on her, but she’s struggling to keep up. She hopes she’s just having a slow moment and interpreted her words wrong. The thought of Blake’s decision not coming from him, but from his girlfriend instead, makes her want to break down and cry right there on her patio.

She felt like they made some progress today, but that feeling starts subsiding painfully fast.

“You told him to say yes to my offer?”

Gabby nods excitedly.

“Totally. He couldn’t see how great of an opportunity this was for him to start over. He felt like ending things here on a bad note was somehow a sign of failure on his part. I just want him to feel good about what he does, he deserves that.”

Gwen bites her lip, focusing her gaze on the studio behind Gabby, the one her boyfriend built. 

The one in which she fucked her boyfriend once.

Back when he was still hers.

“What exactly did he tell you about what happened here before?” Gwen asks.

The girl looks at her a bit pitiful and it’s hard for her to contain her rage at that moment.

“He told me you guys became friends, but it was impossible to maintain, due to...” Gabby searches for the right words, smiling a bit forced. “....too many differences.”

Gwen couldn’t help but let out a bitter chuckle then.

“I don’t think we’re really all that different.”

“It’s okay, you know?” The younger girl interrupts. “He was going through a lot and desperately needed to make a connection with someone, _anyone_. I just thank God he’s not in that space anymore.”

She never knew it was that easy to be shattered by someone she didn’t even know. How it was this easy to be reduced to so little; her whole relationship with Blake defined to something meaningless with only one statement.

She tries coming up with something to say when Blake’s voice sounds from behind her.

“Gabs, I’m so sorry. There was more mess than I anticipated.” 

Gwen almost cries when he slides an arm around her waist, as if _she_ was the one who needed support in this moment.

“Are you okay?” He asks his girlfriend, looking down at her.

He’s probably freaking out, thinking Gwen told her something he didn’t want her to know.

Gwen stays quiet, eying the couple from where she’s nailed to the spot on her patio. 

“Gwen and I were just talking about how happy we both were to see you accept this job.” Gabby says, her hand gripping his arm like a vice.

Blake swallows roughly, recognition dawning over his features and Gwen knows he just realized she found out about the _actual_ reason he called her back that evening, saying yes to her offer.

“T’s a good thing.” He drawls, avoiding her gaze. “You wanna get outta here?”

Gabby nods. “I’ll start the car.”

Gwen keeps her eyes trained on Blake, waiting till his girlfriend walks off far enough not to hear them anymore.

Her mind fills with images of their day together; how she watched him paint for hours, and how they talked, how he comforted her after she cried. She can’t believe the world would be so cruel as to give her so much in the span of a few hours and then yank it away from her so forcefully,

Tears prickle behind her eyes again, anger getting the best of her.

“You’re an idiot, you know that? You wanna lie to your girlfriend, be my guest.” She throws her hands up, about to walk back inside when his voice stops her.

“ _Gwen_.” He hisses through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what she told you, but she’s just trying to do the right thing.”

She laughs under her breath, turning around to face him again.

“You must be _really_ in love if you believe that naive bullshit.”

Blake shakes his head. “You’re acting incredibly jealous and petty.”

“Don’t have her show up here again, Blake.” She says finally, giving him one last stare. “The next time, I won’t spare her the truth.”

She walks back inside, the door slamming shut loudly. She lets out a frustrated groan, biting her lip so hard she draws blood at the sound of Gabby’s truck pulling out of her drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get messier before they get better..


	15. Chapter 15

“You know I could never judge you.” Her friend says, leaning on the arm rest of the couch. Chelsea has one leg curled up beneath her, eyeing her sideways. “I’m just glad you’re going after what you want again.”

Gwen’s eyes dart over to where Blake’s working in her kitchen, just far enough away to not be able to catch their full conversation, but she wants to be discreet anyways.

She’s avoided Blake since he came in later this morning, not necessarily feeling like she had anything to say to him after what had transpired the day before. Her friend isn’t yet aware of the tug and pull going on inside her heart and she intends on keeping it that way for a while.

“Can we not…” Gwen shakes her head, motioning towards Blake. “Not now.”

Chelsea shrugs. “Let’s talk later then. You still coming to my party?”

“Do you ever _not_ have a party?” Gwen asks jokingly, a large smile spreading across her face.

“Are you mad I’m living my life to the fullest extent?” Her friend shoots back, crooking her brow.

She laughs under her breath, a short but genuine sound. It’s the first time in maybe ever that she doesn’t have a single clue about what the future holds; her foreseeable future no longer planned out. Her eyes search for Blake in the kitchen again, her mind subconsciously pulling her towards the person she hopes will still be in it. Chelsea’s way of living life to the fullest has always been something to be a little envious about, but she’s also starting to see the liberations she took in her own life. She wants to continue doing that, maybe even more than before.

“I’ll be there.” Gwen says, nodding.

“Good.” Her friend claps her hands. “You can ask Blake too if you want.”

Gwen quickly shakes her head, but Blake’s voice cuts through the silence before she can answer. Her head whips up to acknowledge him and he apologetically motions for her to come to the kitchen, needing her opinion on something.

“Be right back.” Gwen whispers towards Chelsea as she pushes herself off of the couch.

Her friend just nods, a suggestive grin on her face.

Gwen wants to slap her friend or maybe laugh in her face, but she does neither and instead tries to focus on whatever Blake’s telling her. It takes a few minutes of her help to get the right placement down. She smiles sweetly when he tells her it’s okay, apologizing again for whisking her away from her friend. It’s a bit awkward, their interaction, but she just swallows and ignores the sting.

She should’ve known Chelsea would find a way to insert herself in the situation soon enough, but this time she dreads it less, knowing her friend is well aware of her feelings for the constructer.

“Sorry to barge in on you guys.” Her friend speaks cheerily, causing Gwen to roll her eyes.

“That’s okay.” Gwen replies. “We were just done.”

“That’s great.” Chelsea smiles. “That means I can formally invite you both to my party next week.”

Gwen’s eyes widen immediately, but she doesn’t answer for Blake like she normally would’ve. Instead, her gaze wanders over to Blake, gauging his reaction.

“And since you already said no to me once…” Chelsea’s head turns to Blake fully now. “For reasons I completely understand by the way—I really think you should say yes this time.”

Gwen’s surprised to see Blake actually considering her offer, a smile creeping onto his lips.

It’s the most confusing sight she could possibly be hit with; after the way he talked to her yesterday and the not so subtle way of letting her know he wasn’t all that impressed about what they had in the past, she didn’t expect to see him consider a scenario in which he would be forced to spend more time with her, outside of work.

“When is it?”

“Next Friday.”

Blake winces a little. “I don’t think my girlfriend will like it much if I bail on her on my one off day.”

Gwen finds a bitter feeling spreading through her chest at the mention of Gabby, but she suppresses any reaction she might have to these words.

“Bring her too!” Chelsea adds, shrugging. “I don’t care. Just be there.”

She would say her friend has completely lost her mind, but Gwen knows this is hardly anything new. She figures that in some way, her friend probably thinks she’s doing Gwen a favour this way, but she finds it hard for herself to see it.

“Alright, then.” Blake smiles.

Chelsea’s eyes widen excitedly and Gwen’s do the exact same, only in despair.

“You’re serious? That’s so great, it’s going to be awesome. It’s quite casual so no fancy dresses or suits needed—just bring your good mood and maybe some drinks.”

“We should probably let Blake get back to what he was doing now.” Gwen says softly, clearing her throat. “He’s already about to get an overload of you on Friday.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing?” Chelsea laughs, pulling at her arm and bringing her back towards the living room.

Gwen shoots Blake a confused glance, but he just brushes it off.

Blake doesn’t seem to pay much more attention to the two woman on the couch after that. Her eyes stray over to him every so often, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Gwen talks to her friend about her upcoming projects and even shows a few ideas she has lying around in the studio. When she gets back, Blake has applied most of the caulk and another weird sensation spreads through her chest as she realizes tomorrow will be the last day of his work here. Luckily Chelsea is enough distraction for a while, feeling genuinely sad when she announces she’s heading home soon. Gwen downs the last bit of her drink before excusing herself to the toilet.

“Stay put, I’ll walk you out.” She says, pointing her index finger at her friend.

Chelsea laughs and raises her own glass, showing a little bit of alcohol left. “I’m not going anywhere till this is gone.”

Gwen smiles before disappearing into the restroom.

\--

“I just thought I’d come say goodbye.”

Blake’s head looks up from where he’s applying the finishing touches to the cabinets, getting ready to implement the counter top tomorrow.

“I’m heading home.” Chelsea adds, probably sensing his confusion. “Thanks again for saying yes to the invitation.”

Blake smiles friendly. “Thanks for the invite.”

“The second one.” She grins.

“You have lots of parties.”

She throws her hands up. “Gwen said something similar earlier. What’s up with you two? I’m totally normal.”

Blake laughs, something about the hyperactive mood of Gwen’s friend remains contagious.

“Totally.”

Chelsea rubs at the back of her neck, looking at him like she’s biting her tongue. Blake’s gaze softens a bit, realizing the sudden shift in mood.

“Everything okay?”

The woman nods.

“Yeah. I probably shouldn’t say this, but just thank you again.”

“I promise, it’s not that big of a deal, but you’re welcome.”

Chelsea laughs softly. “Not about the party, dummy. For doing this for Gwen, for coming back.”

He doesn’t know how to react at the sudden vulnerability that spills off her friend’s lips, it being clear that the woman cares for her deeply and somehow sees the great impact his return has had on Gwen.

He blinks a few times, his hands leaning on the wall next to the refrigerator.

“I’m glad I can do this for her.” He says simply, trying not to go too deeply into this unsafe territory that undoubtedly will make him say something he can’t come back from.

She looks at him knowingly.

“It’s just good seeing my friend in a better place again.”

“She’s a strong girl.” Blake says genuinely.

“Definitely. It helps to have you back in her life, though.”

Blake looks a bit awkwardly, brushing it off. “She would’ve been fine either way.”

“She just doesn’t want to then.” Chelsea shrugs, a knowing grin on her face.

Blake’s surprised by the woman’s transparency. Almost feeling like he’s being called out on what he should know to be a lie.

“She walked away, you know?”

He suddenly feels frustration pool in his stomach.

Chelsea’s eyes soften. She looks around her for a second, looking a bit guilty as she so obviously checks to see if her friend’s around to hear.

Her voice drops in volume and Blake soon figures out why.

“I probably shouldn’t say this, Gwen will kill me if she finds out but…” Chelsea looks at him a bit sympathetically. “I’ve been there to watch Gwen’s whole adult life unfold, I’ve seen her go through all her heartbreaks, her divorce, but the way she was after _you_? I’ve never seen her like that before.”

Blake swallows roughly, the words making him feel strange inside. He can barely think about Gwen so down while he wasn’t around to be there for her, but at the same time he fills with an anger he just can’t ignore.

“I’m sorry.” Chelsea says suddenly. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve just been so worried and it’s good to see her do better and to see you and her on good terms again.”

Blake clears his throat. “Yeah..”

“Ready to go?” Gwen’s voice cuts through the sudden awkward silence, walking back into the room. Her voice is much more cheery than the two other adults in front of her.

“Let’s go.” Chelsea says, giving Blake one last look. “Good to see you again, Blake. See you Friday.”

Blake nods, his words sounding a bit rough when he confirms and says his polite goodbyes.

Gwen shoots him a worried glance but lets it slide regardless. He keeps his eyes trained on the two women as they walk out on her patio, his heart feeling like it’s a few snaps away from breaking all over again.

\--

Everything okay?” Gwen asks when she comes back inside, not wasting any time with confronting Blake about his earlier off demeanour.

“Everything’s good.” Blake says calmly, directing the conversation back to a professional one. “Everything’s done here too for today. Gotta let the glue dry overnight and I’ll be back tomorrow for the finishing touches.”

Gwen nods.

“Blake, talk to me.”

She doesn’t know what happened in the little time she was away, but both Blake and Chelsea were undeniably more quiet after she came back. Her friend didn’t say much aside from telling her to talk to Blake, and she intends on doing exactly that.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Are you sure?” She challenges him. “Is this about yesterday? Are you mad about what I said to you after Gabby showed up here?”

“Gwen, no, please just..”

“Because I feel like I had the right to not appreciate her showing up here and talking to me like I was some kind of stranger to you.”

Blake looks at her knowingly, causing a confused expression to linger on her features.

“She didn’t expect to go there with you.” Blake says, excusing his girlfriend. “She just said what she thought was the right thing in the moment.”

“Why haven’t you brought it up at all?” Gwen asks, certain feelings welling up in her chest again after having had the whole night to push them down.

“Gwen, I—“

“—She told me about the reason you _really_ came here.” They say at the same time, Gwen’s voice steady despite the emotion in her throat.

“ _Right_.” Blake says slowly.

He doesn’t try to fight her or the direction this conversation is going into, his demeanour a bit rigid.

“It’s not even about the fact that you pretended to have gotten to this decision by yourself.” She continues. “But for you to even put me in a position where I could possibly find out from _her_?”

“Gwen, I had no idea she was gonna be here.” Blake states, swallowing roughly. “You really think I ever intended for the two of you to have a conversation like that?”

“So you lied to me because you thought you’d get away with it?”

“How did I lie?” Blake asks exasperatedly. “So what, she made me realize that this could be good for me and then _I_ made the decision to come here. That was still _my_ decision.”

“Bullshit.”

He sighs loudly, eyes fixated on her.

“Why do you even care so much, huh?” He counters, holding his ground. “You wanna sit here on your moral high horse and pretend like I somehow wronged you for talking to my girlfriend about this decision? Because let’s talk about it.”

She walks past him quickly, anger rising in her chest. There’s no need for her to look behind her, because she’s completely sure he’s following her into the living room. When she stands still and turns around, he’s indeed standing a few feet away from her.

“Let’s talk about it then.” She says, the tension between them creating a disarray in her mind. “You’re angry still—I get that, but I’ve been trying Blake. What have you done since coming back here besides blaming me?”

He looks at her like he can’t believe his ears, his eyes widening.

“You kidding me, right?” The volume of his voice rises slightly, his control quickly slipping away. “I came back here, Gwen. That’s what I did! Now please, please dare to stand here in front of me and tell me you deserve anything more than that.”

“Fuck’s sake, Blake.” She whispers, shaking her head. “I know I messed up, okay? I already told you this; I didn’t treat you fairly and I pushed you away. If I could change that somehow, I would. But I can’t go back in time, Blake. All I can do is make sure I do things differently from now on. Why do you keep throwing the past back in my face?”

“Cause you broke my damn heart, Gwen!” He yells, her chest tightening in response. “Because I needed you more than ever before and you made me feel like I was a mistake, something disposable you couldn’t wait to get rid of. You know what that did to me? What it _still_ does to me?”

“Blake…”  
  
“And after all that, you get mad at me for not being sure on coming back here? On needing a bit more encouragement from a girl who _does_ know what she’s got when she has it?”

Gwen looks to the ground, eyes watering.

“If that’s true, then why doesn’t she know about us, Blake?”

“Cause it doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Stop lying.”

Blake looks at her with blazing eyes when she looks up again, the tension palpable with every breath she takes. The room feels like it just dropped in temperature, everything around her feeling cold and bleak aside from the storm brewing inside them both.

“I like her. I’m not gonna ruin this thing with her over something she couldn’t possibly understand.”

“But you’ll ruin things with me.”

Blake scoffs. “You did that all on your own. I was willing to give you everything back then.”

She wipes at her face quickly, hating how her emotions seem to get the best of her in this moment. Her eyes look back up at his, as she bites on the inside of her cheek.

“I couldn’t do that back then.” She says, holding his gaze. “I couldn’t reciprocate that in the way I wanted to, in the way you deserved. Things are different now.”

“Yeah, they are.”

Gwen swallows down the lump in her throat. “I had to come to terms with ruining a good thing, but at least I know it was good. Ever since showing up at your doorstep, I’ve had to listen to you – _and_ Gabby—reducing what we had to something so insignificant.”

“That’s not what she meant.”

“You weren’t there.”

“I know her.” Blake counters. “I know her heart. She wouldn’t try to do that.”

Gwen nods sarcastically, biting her lip.

“Do you love her?”

“I like her a lot.”

“But you don’t love her?”

Blake looks at her like he’s about to walk away, but his feet stay planted firmly in place.

“What are you really asking me, Gwen?”

“Do you still love me?”

The silence that follows is deafening, her heart banging painfully against her chest. She feels the muscles of her chin tremble, her eyes burning painfully when she looks at him again.

“I’m not gonna answer that….” He says flatly, anger slipping back into his demeanour right in front of her. “You know what, no, you don’t get to ask me this.”

She takes another deep breath and closes her eyes. 

"Look.” She says, her voice softer than she'd intended. "I know I hurt you, but…we can't just erase what we’ve had, Blake. I don't want to just pick up where we left off, but I hope you can at least feel what you felt..."

"Where we left off?" He breaks in, ignoring her suggestion about his feelings. "You mean, when you led me on for months, pretended to give a damn and then told me I was basically using my dad’s death to guilt you into a relationship?” He stands, fuming now, and his hands fly as he speaks. "When you took me to a public event only to say in other words you were embarrassed of me the next day? When I needed you more than ever before and you left me alone? Because that's where we fucking left off, Gwen!"

His whole rant leaves her speechless, her tears a steady stream now.

“ _Blake_...”

"And don't even pretend like you know what I felt!" He interrupts, finally facing it all at once. "If you, for a single goddamned second expect me to think you felt a fucking ounce of what I felt for you, then you don't have a single clue about yourself.”

She can tell he’s about to walk out on her, so she purposefully gets in his way. Her chest rising with the force of her heartbeat.

“Fine, you want me to be completely transparent with you? Cause I can be that.” She whispers harshly, eyes focused on him.

"Don’t bother.” He barks, stepping aside to pass her.

His nearly mean attitude catches her off guard, but she doesn’t let it stop her. 

She moves too, stopping him again, and this time her face is so much closer to his. 

“I almost didn’t survive these few months after I left you.” She says, pushing back new tears. “I tried to forget about my life, my pain by finding the bottom of a bottle each night and surround myself with fake people who didn’t give a damn about me. I wanted to forget all my regrets and mistakes. I wanted to forget everything I ruined, everything I pushed away. When I started therapy, I realized there was one regret I just couldn’t get over. You.”

She’s barely breathing by the end of it, but she knows that if she doesn’t say all this stuff now, she’ll probably never get the chance to say it again.

She can tell he’s affected, as he raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah.” She whispers. "You." 

She twists her body, forcing him into the corner of the room, pinning him between herself and the wall. 

"You came up...God, every time I opened my mouth. You fucking haunted me for the last ten months. Don't you get it?"

He swallows hard and blinks once.

“I was there for you.” He whispers. “I was patient. You pushed me away. It’s not my fault you had to deal with the consequences of that after I left.”

She swallows roughly at his words, knowing they’re all true. Looking into his eyes, she can see both confusion and anger pooling there, the combination enough to leave her with shivers all over.

“I know that.” She says softly, her face still closer to his than is appropriate. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I just want you to let me make it right.”

“You lied to me.” He counters. “You were lonely and you needed someone…. but it was never about me. You lied.”

“I didn’t lie.” She bites back, eyes flashing as she never breaks their gaze. She tries to take a calming breath, not knowing how to react to his accusatory words.

“Think about it before you lie to me _again_.”

Her eyes widen at the cold tone of his voice.

“How can you even think that?” She whispers out loud, her own private musings spilling off her lips. “I felt _too_ much for you, too soon. I was barely over my divorce; I couldn’t let myself get close to anyone else just yet. _Obviously_ , I didn’t succeed.” She says, keeping her eyes locked with his. “I had lost everything, Blake. And then you come into my life and you make me believe in good things again and it’s all too much. You became the only good thing in my life at the time and I couldn’t…I couldn’t risk it.”

He moves from his place against the wall, but not to move past her this time, instead his shoulder accidently nudges hers with his sudden movement. It reminds her of how close they’re standing, but she can’t get herself to take a step back.

“That makes no sense.” He mumbles, trying to keep up his cold demeanour. “You pushed me away because I was the only person you had left in the world?”

“I tried to tell you I wasn’t in a good space, Blake. I warned you about myself a million times. You wanna blame it all on me? Fine. But please don’t pretend like I lied to you.”

His face freezes and she can tell immediately it was the wrong thing to say. Some of the calmness that had spread again, evaporates just as quickly. His body goes rigid before he walks away from her much too close stance.

He walks over to the other side of the room, his hand waving in front of him.

“You have some balls, Gwen. I gotta give you that.” He sneers, letting out a frustrated growl. “You come back after almost a year, expecting me to…. I don’t even know _what_ you’re expecting to be honest. You come back into my life and say these things that….” He throws his hands up again, his anger seemingly reaching a boiling point. “I can’t stand you.”

“Screw you.” She whispers, her own pain and anger pushing painfully at her chest.

“If that’s not the damn pot calling the kettle black.” He chuckles, the sound leaving her with even more frustration to dig her way through. “You have no reason to be upset with me; I didn’t leave you, Gwen, you left me. I didn’t have to say yes to helping you out a second time either; I have a girlfriend for crying out loud.”

“Then why did you say yes?” She hisses. “If you’re so happy, if you are _this_ angry with me, why the hell are you here, Blake?”

Finally, he snaps.

“Because I fucking love you, Gwen.”

Without a moment's hesitation, she grips his shoulders and shoves him back against the wall, her eyes darting up to his lips.

For a second he looks like he’s about to go off on her, tell her she’s horrible and selfish for even thinking about it, but the thought seems to be a fleeting one.

When his tongue involuntary comes out to wet his lips, she surges forward to press her own against them. There’s a quick stutter on his part, but he regains his composure soon after. All his anger seems to translate into desperation when he lets his hands wander from their place at his sides. He grips and grasps for every bit of her body, squeezing and feeling and holding.

Her throat closes and she gasps for air every time he moves his mouth over hers.

This wasn’t delicate or soft, their kisses were a bit artless, desperation and anger the only two things raging between them as they cling to each other. Her hands tug at his hair a little, while his own are trailing the small of her back. He moans while feeling her up, his kisses never once losing its intensity.

Their breathing quickens, their moans finding a sweet synchronized syncopation as their bodies grind together. They're losing, they're falling, and they're not sorry.

She doesn’t even realize her hands have taken the liberty of going up under his shirt, until he’s softly gasping against her lips. His skin underneath her fingertips feels so good, and it's just another thing it's taken her far too long to realize. It's a feeling she never wants to go without again.

He finally pulls away, breaking off their lips with a wet pop. Her hands are still wandering by the time their lips are no longer connected and his eyes are ablaze with arousal.

“God damnit.” He breathes, holding her hands in a death grip between his fingers, stopping her movements effectively. “Fuck.”

She looks at him with wide eyes, her heart still pounding. She feels the regret enter her body like a punch to the gut, her eyes watering with the force of it. She never intended to be the one to do something like this, and she feels even more disgusting when Blake’s the one to eventually stop her. His hands are still holding on to hers, preventing them from moving and doing even more damage. Her dismay about herself must’ve been on display in her eyes, because Blake’s features suddenly flash with new anger, his jaw locking.

“Blake, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t tell me this was a mistake.” Blake whispers angrily, surprising her. “Not again.”

Her heart fills with so much sadness but hope at the same time, she doesn’t have half a mind to stop what comes next.

His hand lets go of hers while quickly grabbing her arm, reversing their positions. Her back hits the wall before his lips claim hers again, swallowing down her gasps. Her heart is slamming against her chest almost as violently as Blake’s kisses, both his hands cupping her cheeks to keep her in place.

She’s never been kissed with such force before, her hands clawing at his chest as he continues to steal the breath from her lungs. Blake moves one of her hands down to his crotch, against the bulge tenting there, letting her know exactly what it is she’s doing to him. She works his zipper open with a shaky hand, gasping when he softly whisks her hand away and takes over.

He works open her own jeans, pushing them down her ass and thighs, until the fabric pools at her feet. She steps out of it quickly, biting her lip so hard in anticipation her mouth fills with the taste of blood.

She’s angry. Angry that he’s doing this now, angry that she’s gotten to go without this for so long. She pulls his head down enough for her to suck an angry mark right against the skin of his neck. Considering his _situation_ , she can hardly imagine leaving a mark is what he wants her to do. It’s the wrong move—she knows that too, but she can’t get herself to care, not when he’s splitting her open like he always used to do, confusing her.

His hands slide under her thighs, hauling her up until she’s got both legs wrapped around him. The way he manhandles her so easily, goes straight to her gut, and she thinks she would be perfectly happy letting him do that every single day from now on. Each searing kiss melts into the next until they’re both dizzy and struggling to keep up. Gwen’s hands bury in his hair as she tries to pull him impossibly closer.

He grips her waist tightly, pulling her deeper against the wall and grunting when the heels of her feet dig into his back. He moves his pants down just enough to align himself with her entrance, pushing forward in one rough thrust.

She keens softly when she tries to adjust, her hands gripping his shoulders. His pupils are dark, hard breathes coming from his parted lips as he drives inside her again. He rocks against her slow but deeply at first, catching a series of her quiet moans in his mouth.

“Oh shit.” She whimpers when he quickens his pace suddenly, her hands clutching at the back of his head to pull him even closer. “Blake, please.”

One of her hand slams against the wall as his rhythm becomes almost too much for her to handle, the pleasure and pain igniting within her making her eyes roll back into her head. She’s never felt desperation come to quite a breaking point like this, feeling like he’s taking everything from her yet it could never be enough. She wants to give him more, wants to receive from Blake forever too. Maybe she’s not a good person, maybe she’s just a shitty person who feels better when she’s around this man. But with his heartbeat pressed against hers, and his length buried deep inside her, it’s hard to believe this could ever be wrong.

He thrusts into her even harder, causing the most beautiful string of moans to leave her lips. She feels her whole body fill with delirious passion, threatening to break. His hips work tirelessly to get here there and her head leans back against the wall behind her as she feels her dissolve slipping.

She is falling apart against him, but he won’t let up. He leans his head down to the crook of her neck, sucking and licking at the skin there, speaking dirty encouragements against her ear as she shatters around him. He scoops her even closer, keeping her body trapped tightly against his chest as she convulses and whimpers.

She sinks her fingers into his curls, her fingers scraping against his scalp. Her breathing is ragged and loud, her thighs shaking from where they’re still hooked around Blake’s waist. His hands slide from her thighs up to her ass, continuing to hold her up against the wall, even after he finds his own release.

Silence surrounds them as they stop moving against each other, no more curse words or loud whimpers and breathes being tossed around in the air. There’s only the soft sound of their laboured breathing as they come down in each other’s arms, her heart hammering against her chest.

He pulls out of her after minutes, gently setting her feet back on the ground.

He pulls his pants up and tucks himself back in, not saying a word.

She steps back into her panties, looking up at him nervously. Her hand rakes through her dishevelled hair, the wall feeling cold suddenly against her back.

“Will you leave her?”

The words are whispered softly, a broken sound that causes Blake to stutter just a little.

He rubs a frustrated hand over his mouth, his eyes portraying pain when he looks at her.

“She doesn’t deserve this.” Blake says softly.

Gwen’s gaze drops to the floor.

“Gwen, I….” Blake stammers a bit, using his hand to lift her face back up, the fear in his voice not mirrored in his actions. “I love you, I didn’t lie about that. I just need some time.”

“I didn’t mean to….” She shakes her head, teary eyes looking up at him. “I’m not this person.”

“I know—“

“….But I wanted this, Blake. I still want you and I don’t want to hide that anymore.” She continues, the admission stumbling past her lips quickly.

“I can’t just leave her.”

“Why not?”

He looks at her incredulously, his hand stilling against her cheek.

“Because I care for her.”

“Then tell her the truth.”

“Which is what?” Blake asks, his voice pure breath. “Jesus Gwen, we still have so much left to talk about, we can’t just jump back into this. You know that.”

“Then what was this just now?” She whispers.

“This was inevitable. This was you and me losing control, this was us not thinking straight.”

Gwen swallows roughly before scoffing.

“So I can’t call this a mistake, but you can? Noted.”

“I’m not calling this a mistake, Gwen.” He replies, his body subconsciously stepping closer to her again. She can feel the denim of his jeans against her still bare legs, his hand softly tugging a strand of hair back behind her ear. “I’m just saying we weren’t thinking straight. If we did, we would’ve waited.”

“Waited for what?” She breathes. “Waiting for you to break up with your girlfriend or waited for you to come to the conclusion you don’t want me anymore?”

His silence causes tears to spring to her eyes again, her lips pressing tightly together before she speaks again.

“You don’t even know.”

“I need time to figure out what the right thing to do is.” He says, staring deeply into her eyes.

“We’ve had sex.” She breathes.

“I know. And that can’t happen again.”

She chuckles bitterly.

“No, it can’t.” She says softly, stepping away from him and getting herself dressed again. “You can’t have me like this and I can’t have you like that either.”

She knows the words come entirely too late, their actions already set in stone, but she can’t do this again. Even if there’s nothing in the world she wants more.

“I’ll make this right.” He says, though they both know it’s a lie.

There’s no way he could ever make this right, he’ll break someone’s heart regardless of the choice he makes.

They share one last gaze before he walks towards the front door.

She wraps an arm around herself, choking on the realization she just ruined someone else’s fantasy by so desperately clinging on to hers.


	16. Chapter 16

She wants to cry. She wants to take her anger and frustrations out on a punching bag. She wishes she could make the entire last three days vanish into oblivion.

But mostly, she wants things with Blake to be okay again.

Because there’s nothing okay about this. She’s laying in the much too large bed, clinging to her pillow while she’s awkwardly curled around the sheets.

It’s too empty, too lonely and it’s providing her brain with far too much time to think. She thinks about what happened two days ago, how he’d looked at her afterwards and how he backed away from her like he couldn’t believe what had just transpired. He’d come back the next day to finish up her kitchen counter and she decided to spend most of it at work. She came back during the evening and he’d just gotten done. They said their awkward goodbyes, but he hadn’t given her more than a flimsy hug on his way out.

  
“ _Gwen….”_

_“There’s not much to talk about until you tell your girlfriend, is there?”_

Gwen cringes as she thinks back to her last words before he disappeared off her property back into the arms of the girl who still gets his best parts. She feels the sinking feeling as she remembers the first time she ever laid eyes on the man. How her body was overtaken by an attraction so strong she couldn’t think straight. She thinks back to when she told him to leave, how she ruined her chances with him. That day will always linger in the back of her mind, right there along with all her other poor decisions.

She wants Blake to realize their lives could be so different if he dared to take the risk. She understands the irony of that, which is what tears the deep sigh straight from her throat.

Her fingers can still feel how it felt to run her hands through his hair, being pressed against the wall as he moved forward, _into_ her. How their lips locked as he kissed her doubts away.

Heat flushes her face as she remembers the moment, and she hates how good it had felt. It had been overwhelming to be with him again in that away, after a year, but nothing could ever possibly feel better or more real than being close to him.

He decided to push her away and though she still waits for the phone call—it’s becoming less and less realistic to think he’ll actually leave his girlfriend for her.

Wouldn’t he have done that already, if that’s what he really wanted?

Now, she’s about to see him again tomorrow night and she thought about cancelling, not ready to see Blake and Gabby together all evening, but she also knows she won’t be able to stay away.

She’s back into the office that day by ten, going over different business ventures and several meetings before she’s able to rush back home and get dressed for tonight. She settles on a little black dress and her hair is down as it falls neatly over her shoulders. Her head is spinning by the time she gets into the Uber, the drive over to Chelsea’s place the most familiar one. It’s gloomy and dark outside, the traffic not allowing her to arrive at the LA loft early. She takes a deep breath as her head rests against the window, her slim fingers retrieving the little mirror from her purse to check her make-up one last time. Her mind can’t help but wonder if Blake’s already there, the party having officially started twenty-five minutes ago. She knows Blake’s always punctual, so she wouldn’t be surprised if he was one of the first ones to arrive.

All day she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with facing Gabby again; the prospect a damn near crippling one. She doesn’t like the woman, doesn’t think she ever could, but she can barely face her after knowing what had happened with her and Blake only a few days ago. Part of her wonders if maybe he finally decided to tell her, maybe he won’t show up with her at all. Wishful thinking has taught her a few things, rarely ever good ones, but her mind goes there anyways.

“ _Why the hell are you here, Blake?”_

 _“Because I fucking love you, Gwen_ ”

Every word of that fight is permanently burned into her brain, playing on a loop over and over again. She wants to hear his declaration again but not like that. Never like that.

She just wants to be able to hear him say those three words without also hearing the catastrophic gloom in them. Without the memories of tears and anger accompanying them.

The car finally comes to a stop and Gwen thanks the driver before she finds herself standing alone on the large and familiar property. The loft looks out over a large part of the hills and has big steps that lead up to the front door. The square looking house with large open windows at two sides usually gives her peace, but hearing the loud music already coming from inside, her stomach twists painfully.

She’s barely topped the stairs when the door swings open and her friend pulls her in for a hug. She must’ve seen Gwen walk up to the house already, waiting and anticipating her arrival. Gwen smiles widely and accepts the drink that’s being pressed in her hand the minute she steps inside the loft.

Music is blaring and people are scattered all over the place; some of them standing impossibly close at different corners of the room as they try to have actual conversations. She bites her lip as she involuntarily starts trying to seek Blake out, with no such luck.

She finds herself looking over every few minutes to see if he’s there yet, even while being in conversation with other people. Her friend eventually taps her on the shoulder, her head whipping around to see Chelsea already grinning.

“He just got here.” She says, not saying anything else as they both know it’s entirely enough.

Gwen motions with her hands for a slight break in the conversation, turning around to face her friend fully.

“Where is he?”

“I think I saw them getting some drinks in the kitchen.”

Gwen nods, her heart slightly dropping at the mention of _them_. She knew it was a long shot, wishing he’d show up here alone, but that didn’t stop the feeling of disappointment from coursing through her body.

“I’m just gonna stay here.” Gwen says softly, deciding then and there that it’s probably best to stay out of their way as much as she can.

“ _What_?” Chelsea asks, high pitched. “Gwen, you know you want to—“

“It’s not about what I want right now. Please understand that.”

Her friend gives her another incredulous look, before wincing and smiling gently.

“You might not be in luck then….”

“What are you talking about?” She asks, but quickly getting her answer as Blake’s voice comes from behind her.

He’s wearing jeans and a well fitted red button-up, while Gabby is wearing a medium length red dress. Gwen can barely breathe as she takes in Blake’s deep blue eyes and the way his dimples are out on full display. Gabby clings to his arm like she belongs there, her head leaning in slightly against his shoulder.

“Good to see you guys again.” He speaks while addressing both women in front of him, and she’s for once grateful that Chelsea takes the lead in the conversation.

She stays quiet while her friend deals with the formalities and welcomes them both to her home. Blake glances over at Gwen, obviously sensing her silence but he doesn’t bring attention to it. Gabby does the complete opposite; she never so much as looks at Gwen, and she can’t help but wonder if Blake told the woman about what had happened between them.

That thought suddenly scares her more than anything else, the nerves and anxiety pooling in the pit of her stomach. Gwen quickly excuses herself, the need for some air suddenly a desperate one.

Chelsea’s place is almost magical at night, the placement of the loft so in the middle of Los Angeles it gives you the perfect view. To witness that at night was something else; the lights stealing her breath away in the most magical way possible. Down there were thousands of souls who’s lights burned just as brightly as the acritical bulbs.

She tries to ignore the chill that runs through her at the particularly chilly LA wind, but her dress is entirely too short and her jacket entirely too small to keep her from getting cold. Her arms wrap around her midsection to create some warmth, but it only helps so much.

“You’re gonna get sick out here.”

Blake’s voice startles her, being cut off guard by the sparkle she sees in the depths of his eyes. He walks a bit closer, keeping a respectable distance between their bodies as they both stare out over the city.

“I’ll be fine.”

Blake looks at her softly, his expression a gentle one.

“It’s good to see you again.”

“You don’t have to say that.” She replies, her voice soft. “Honestly, you probably shouldn’t even be standing here.”

“She knows.”

Two words shouldn’t have been able to have the effect on her that it had, but it does. Her eyes search for his almost frantically and she can’t deal with the many meanings those words could have; does she know he’s standing here with her right now? Does she know about them hooking up a few days ago?

Blake seems to sense her inner struggle and quickly intervenes to keep her mind from going to every possible scenario—though it’s already too late.

“About our past, I mean. I thought I could tell her we were just friends, because that’s truly what I thought we’d be this time.”

Gwen swallows loudly. “What did you tell her?”

“That we once tried to be more than friends and it didn’t quite work out.”

“That’s it?”

“I didn’t think you’d want me to go into full detail about everything that happened.” He shoots back, keeping his eyes locked on the side of her face. “I told her we liked each other but it ended up not being enough.”

Gwen bites her lip. “What did she say?”

“She said she kind of already knew.” Blake says softly. “But that she didn’t want to tell me that, because she was scared it would keep me from going back to work for you.”

Gwen scoffs.

“Christ, she sure works hard to keep that innocent act of hers up, doesn’t she?”

Blake’s calm expression dissipates.

“Or maybe she just really trusts me, Gwen. Which makes what we did that many times worse.”

They stand in silence for a moment, her body riddling with goosebumps as she feels another goodbye coming from a mile away. Nothing about Blake’s demeanour makes her feel confident about what’s about to happen and bracing herself for another let down seems to be harder than ever before.

“Why didn’t you come clean to her about what happened?” Gwen asks softly. “You’re lying to her, Blake.”

“You don’t think I know that?” He whispers loudly, a long sigh escaping his lips. “You don’t think I feel guilty enough about that too? I hate that I did that to her, she doesn’t deserve it. I haven’t told her yet because I don’t know if it will do her any good to know.”

“ _Blake_.”

“She cares for me in a way that no one ever has, and despite what I did to her, I actually care deeply for her too. What we have is good, it’s stable.”

There are so many words that try to find their way out, but Gwen can only settle on a few select ones.

“You’re wrong.”

He shakes his head. “Not about this, I’m not.”

She moves forward, one of her hands sliding up to his face. He jerks away but she moves with him, her hand sliding up his chest and this time he lets her.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me, Blake.” She whispers, though her words are silent demands. “Tell me that what we had wasn’t something special.”

“Gwen.” He warns, his voice thin and on the verge of breaking.

“I won’t keep doing this with you, Blake. If you want to be with her, you need to go do that and this will be the last time I try to convince you otherwise. But I can’t let you make that decision without letting you know how I feel, how I’ve _always_ felt about you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” He whispers angrily, though his body makes no attempt to create any distance between them. “Have you lost your goddamn mind?”

She tried to convince herself that she wouldn’t do this, that she could let him go without a fight but she knew it was a lie the minute she tried to convince herself otherwise.

Her brain keeps telling her that this is a bad idea, the fact that they’re literally standing on a balcony outside of the loft his girlfriend is currently residing in, should’ve been enough of a reason to not to do this here. But neither one of them seem to possess the needed control to put an end to this.

“You can hate me for what I did to you before, maybe I deserve that. But I care more deeply for you than I’ve ever cared about anyone else in my life and that’s the truth. I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with _me_.”

He looks at her nearly paralyzed, his heart beating fast against the palm of her hand. Love has never come easy to her, but it’s beyond heartbreaking to see the love she wants so close yet so far away. He bites his lip, the wind gently blowing past them both.

Blake takes a single step back, then another, tugging her along until they’re no longer in front of the glass door entrance. She finds her back pressed against the wall right around the corner, her heart starting to hammer at its own accord.

“This isn’t right.” Blake says softly, his hand still holding onto her fingers.

“So tell me what you want me to do?”

“I want you to not say these things _now_.” He answers breathily. “I wanted you to say them when I didn’t have someone else’s heart in my hands. I want you to…”

“What?” She presses. “Just be honest with me. What do you want?”

“I want to be able to do what I want without feeling like a horrible person for it.”

She wishes she could keep her heart in a little cage; bound by wires of morality. But it’s as impossible as continuing to live without oxygen in her lungs. It’s like telling her heart it’s allowed to beat, but only so much—no more or less than is decent. It’s starting to dawn on her why people tell her love has no boarders; it’s because they are made to spill love in every recess of every mind and wake souls from their imposed slumber. Blake has awakened her in so many ways and pretending like that love in her chest isn’t all for him, is damn near impossible.

“I don’t think I can walk away from you.” She whispers, her voice fragile. “You’re asking me to stop something I have no control over.”

“I’m not asking you anything.”

She bites her lip. “You are.”

He looks at her deeply, his hand still holding on to hers.

“What then?” He asks. “What am I asking you?”

“To stop loving you.”

In many ways, it’s the first time she said those words to him. In a perfect world, she would’ve told him more delicately, more romantically, but her life never seems to call for those fairytale like moments.

She can see it in his eyes—the way there’s a small stutter in his demeanour, how the thought of her love no longer being there for him actually scares him. She doesn’t expect him to come out and say it, not when there remains an actual person to stand between them.

“She’s right inside.” He points to the house, his mouth opening and closing when he realizes he lacks the words to express how wrong this is. “Damn it, Gwen.”

“And you’re standing here with me instead of holding her hand.” She challenges him softly. “What does that tell you, Blake?”

He chuckles.

“It tells me I’m the world’s biggest jerk.” He retorts, letting go of her hand finally. He rubs his own along his mouth and chin, before looking her in the eyes again.

“The other night…” She starts softly, looking up at the night sky. “What did it mean to you? Don’t give me the diplomatic reply either, just tell me honestly. What did it mean?”

“It meant everything.”

There’s a rush of air that finds its way back into her chest.

“It’s always meant everything.” He continues. “But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have someone who believes in me, Gwen. I had nothing to offer when I met Gabby and she didn’t care. She wanted me in spite of it.”

As easy as he returned the breath to her lungs, he takes it from her as well. Her eyes find his gaze, her hands starting to feel clammy.

“So you’re staying with her out of guilt? Because she was good to you once.”

“She’s good to me still.”

“But it’s not enough?”

She can tell he’s annoyed by her persistence, maybe even slightly surprised. It’s hard not to wonder how long they’ll have to resume this conversation before they’ll be inevitably interrupted. She can only hope it won’t be by his girlfriend.

“What if a fantasy is all this is, Gwen?” He asks suddenly. “Being around you, close to you.. it shakes everything up. It makes me feel like I could start a war, knowing I’d lose every single fight. It makes no sense, it overpowers everything. She might not throw my whole world of its axis, or challenge me in the ways you do, but she’s stable. I feel like I know what I’m in for when I’m with her and maybe that’s enough for me.”

“So she’s predictable.”

Blake groans at her. “You’re being rude.”

“And you’re being a coward.”

Blake flinches.

“I…” He shakes his head. “I’m not gonna fight with you here.”

Gwen bites her lip. “Do you regret what happened?”

“I think it was wrong.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Gwen..”

“Do you regret it?”

“No.”

The minute the words escape his mouth, his eyes dart down to the floor. Her heart floods with a wave of love that’s so hard to swallow down it comes out in the form of tears.

Blake looks at her quickly, before moving away from her. “I need to go back inside.”

She doesn’t stop him when he walks away from her completely, the admission nailing her to the spot. The night air fills her chest with the needed oxygen, as she chokes on everything that should be wrong but feels right.

She doesn’t know how much longer she continues to stand there on the balcony alone, but there’s an undeniable group of people that have already left the party when she finally joins them back inside. Chelsea is deep in conversation with her male co-worker and Gwen almost snickers when she catches her friend’s signature seduction move.

She finds Blake and Gabby standing near the kitchen, Blake’s hand on her arm as if he’s trying to steady her.

Gwen takes a deep breath before Chelsea’s eyes land on her. She can tell the moment her friend excuses herself from her company before sauntering over to Gwen. She reaches her hands out and Gwen takes them with a gentle smile.

“Where were you?” Chelsea asks loudly, holding onto her hands tightly.

“I just needed some air.”

Her brows raise. “That bad?”

Gwen chuckles. “Kinda.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t like her either.”

She laughs, shaking her head in embarrassed laughter.

“Do you think I’m a horrible person?” Gwen asks softly.

“Gwen, you’re the kindest, most empathetic person I’ve ever met in my life.”

She scoffs. “You should try and tell Gabby that—or Blake for that matter.”

“You’ve made mistakes, no one is erasing that fact.” Her friend says honestly, rubbing her thumb along the top of her hand. “But you’ve also done everything in your power to make those right. Love isn’t always black and white, sometimes it’s grey and lines get blurry. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay to make mistakes.”

“I did something horrible.”

Without actually saying the words, Chelsea understands perfectly what she’s admitting to. Her expression softens while her grip on her only tightens.

“And guess what?”

“ _What_?” Gwen breathes.

“You’re still a good person. You’re just a good person who made a mistake.”

Tears spring to her eyes, a mixture of relief and disbelief crashing over so hard she can barely breathe.

“I’ve tried to forget him.” She whispers. “I’ve tried telling myself that it’s not worth it, that’s _he’s_ not worth it. I wish I could just let her have him and walk away from him completely, but it’s like he’s got a piece of me and everytime he leaves, I feel like it’s a bit harder to breathe. Like he’s got some kind of hold on me and the only way I can deal with that is by having his mouth on mine, or the knowledge he will come back whenever he walks out that door.”

“It’s why you asked him to come work for you again.” Chelsea muses.

“At least then I know he’ll come back after he walks out. Maybe not in the way I want him to, but he will be there.” She breathes. “I need him to be there, Chels.”

Her friend nods.

“Then fight for him.”

“Fighting for him means hurting someone else. Wanting him means breaking someone else’s heart. What kind of deal is that?”

“A shitty one.” Chelsea agrees. “But is it shittier than the thought of living without him?”

The realization hits her harder than expected, her breath catching.

“What do I do?” She whispers.

Chelsea tugs her forward into a hug, pressing her into her chest while speaking her reply directly against her hair.

“You breathe.” She chuckles, sensing the tension in her body. “And then you do what’s good for _you_ for a change.”

Chelsea is off to say goodbye to a few more guest then, leaving her to her own devices again. Gwen makes one last stop by the buffet table, grabbing a small snack, one of the few that’s left, before popping the small chocolate covered pretzel in her mouth.

She feels the exhaustion in her body after a few minutes, realizing it’s probably her time to say goodbye as well.

She retrieves her phone to arrange herself an Uber when a familiar voice stops her in her tracks.

“Gwen.”

She clamps her phone tightly between her fingers at the sound of Gabby’s voice calling out for her. Her eyes move up and towards the couple walking closer, internally wincing at the expression on Blake’s face. His grip on his girlfriend tightens again and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize the girl is hammered.

“We just thought we’d say goodbye before leaving.” Gabby slurs.

Blake’s hand holds onto her arm as he softly whispers to her.

Gwen can’t make out the exact words, but they become clear when Gabby tries to say she’s not drunk. She feels for Blake as he tries to gently steer her away from something that will undoubtedly be a mistake, but he just can’t seem to get a full grip on her. She knows she should probably walk away, but the death stare she’s receiving from his girlfriend keeps her nailed to the spot. _Again_.

“We’re gonna leave now.” Blake says a bit firmer, readjusting his hold while he speaks to her.

“I want to talk to Gwen.” Gabby says, words slurred but persistent.

Gwen can do nothing but wince.

“I should probably….” Gwen points to the front door and Blake nods sympathetically.

“I’m not so dumb, you know?” His girlfriend slurs at them both, Gwen’s head whipping up to meet the girl’s eyes. “If you think I don’t know what’s going on here..”

“Gabby.” Blake cuts in.

“You want my boyfriend.”

Her mouth runs dry at her words, but she doesn’t try to dispute them. She’s got to live with too many regrets and mistakes already, she won’t add another lie to the list.

“That’s enough.” Blake softly berates her. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

The girl takes a step towards her—for what, she’s not sure—but she falters in her steps and Blake and Gwen both reach out to steady her. Gabby’s too far gone to realize Gwen’s holding onto her, her head resting against Blake’s shoulder now.

“Did you call an Uber yet?” Gwen asks, her eyes searching for Blake’s.

He nods. “He’ll be here any minute.”

“Want me to help you get her downstairs?”

Gwen figures the large steps that lead to the driveway will be quite the struggle, and she’s surprised to see that despite Gabby’s soft murmur of protest, Blake nods positively.

Gabby loses the words on the tip of her tongue soon enough as all focus is going to putting one foot in front of the other. Blake’s grip on her is tight, whereas Gwen only offers support when needed, as she descends the stairs alongside them.

Chelsea had shot her an affirming nod when she got hold of the situation and Gwen’s grateful she said goodbye to her friend before.

The air is still cold, only this time she’s less aware of it.

All her senses are on an overload. She can tell Blake’s ticked off, maybe even angry, but she’s not sure if his frustrations are meant for her or his girlfriend this time. She wants to ask him what happened, but she knows now is not the right time.

The cement pavement in front of the house feels steady beneath her feet, Gabby’s grip on Blake’s shirt so tight she can see it cripple beneath her touch.

“Why is she here?” She can hear Gabby ask, Gwen’s heartbeat speeding up once again.

She can hardly stand to watch the encounter, but she doesn’t look away. The girl seems to have already forgotten about needing her support only a few seconds ago while she descended the stairs, and is now only left with the crippling realization of Gwen being there.

Blake lets out an audible sigh. “She’s here cause you could barely walk.”

“I’m fine.” Gabby raises her voice slightly and Gwen closes her eyes, stepping away from them automatically.

She looks down to her phone to see how far away her own Uber is, not wanting to intrude on the couple for a second longer. She hates how being around Blake now feels wrong somehow, like even looking at him is something she shouldn’t be doing.

When Gabby turns around to look at her again, she feels the blood drain from her face completely. She can’t look at the woman and pretend like all her suspicions are false. She can’t stand there and pretend like she didn’t enjoy being pressed against a wall, knowing he didn’t officially belong to her. The thought makes her nauseas.

She can feel the air return to her lungs when Gabby decides against speaking to her, instead focusing her gaze on Blake again.

“Take me home now, Blake.” She murmurs hazily while letting her hand slide up to his chest. “I wanna get out of here. Be alone with you.”

Gwen tears her face away from them, looking far into the distance as she tries not to let her heartbreak spill out over her cheeks.

“I don’t know why she’s so special to you in the first place.” The girl continues, apparently going from one thought to the next. “She’s not even that pretty.”

Her hands ball into tiny fists, clenching tightly. It’s not so much the words that upset her, it’s the fact that she can’t even properly defend herself. She lost that right when she allowed this man to be inside her again while still being Gabby’s boyfriend. All she can do now is stand here and take the verbal insults, while trying to keep her heart from cracking to the point of no return.

Blake’s voice is firm when he speaks, though she can tell he’s determined not to undermine his girlfriend in front of Gwen.

The gesture would almost be cute if it didn’t make her feel like dying.

“You’re drunk and you don’t mean what’s coming out of your mouth right now.” The sound of a car pulling up gets her attention and she’s actually relieved to see Blake spring into action again. “Come on, let’s go.”

“I tried to help you, you know?” The girl returns her attention back to Gwen, and this time she does seem intent on getting a reaction from her. “When he didn’t want to come back to you, I helped you.”

Gwen bites her lip to keep from spilling any truths that she shouldn’t be sharing, Blake’s tortured gaze hardly any consolation.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Gwen replies softly, trying to withhold her voice from any animosity she might be feeling at the moment.

“Oh, I’m not _upset_.” The girl slurs, waving her hand around erratically. “I’m just surprised. You would think after all the convincing it took for him to even be around you, a smart girl like you would get the hint.”

She can tell Blake’s about to intervene, but this time her mouth works before her mind does.

“I’m sorry about how I made you feel, and I’m sorry about being here right now—I realize that I shouldn’t be.” Gwen says softly, appearing to remain calm despite the opposite feeling coursing through her body. “But you don’t know me and I don’t appreciate to have you talk to me like you do. I’ve had to listen to you condescend me twice now and it ends here. Are we clear on that?”

The small laugh the girl lets out is completely lacking in humour, and it’s the most unsettling sound Gwen has ever heard.

“Whatever.”

Gabby sounds damn near juvenile when she speaks and she’s suddenly reminded of the few years she’s got on the girl.

“Damnit Gabs, I’m over this. We’re going home. Now.”

Gwen’s surprised at the tone of Blake’s voice, her eyes not able to leave the side of his face. He’s turned away from her while walking his girlfriend towards the car that’s still waiting for them at the beginning of the driveway.

He readjust his hold on Gabby, shooting Gwen another quick glance in the process.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly and it takes Gwen a while to realize he’s talking to her.

She holds her hand up, cutting him off in case there was anything else following that.

“Please don’t.” She croaks out, barely loud enough for him to hear.

She doesn’t think she can handle hearing anything more from him. Or Gabby.

Her heart feels like it’s balancing on a tight rope, moments away from falling and shattering on the ground like a glass vase.

It’s becoming harder and harder to lie in bed at night, playing her relationship with Blake like a movie in her head; seeing him, talking to him, giving him everything she has inside of her and then have the movie just cut out. Everything stops and she’s left to imagine the ending by herself.

It’s hard to admit she put herself in that position. It’s even harder to admit that Blake seems comfortable to keep her there.

Her heart is already on a deep dive towards the ground.

The vase close to shattering.

And there’s no constructer in the world who’ll be able to mend it back together when it happens.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOW you guys, thank you so much for all the comments on the last chapter. I think the fastest way to address them all is by writing this quick note. As much as both their actions have caused hurt and confusion, my intention with these characters is never to paint them in a bad light. They're simply flawed human beings who have no clue what to do with the amount of love they feel. To the people who feel like Gwen should take some distance and "back off", this chapter might be the one for you. To the people who feel like Blake needs a reality check--this one is for you too! 
> 
> Whether you're team Blake or Gwen, eventually I hope everyone can agree on the fact that they deserve to be together!

The sunset in Los Angeles could be a marvel at times; hues of orange and red and purple striping the horizon, reflecting off the glass skyscrapers and metal billboards and mixing with the smoggy air. Sometimes she’d compare it to living in an actual, physical bubble. After the sun goes down and lights come up, the city is solely for people getting down to business or immense pleasure. 

This evening, proves to be neither for her. 

She had nearly cussed him out when he called her out of the blue. They hadn’t spoken for days after that party. She couldn’t stand the thought of facing him again, after his girlfriend pretty much read right through them. It had stung too, the fact that he still hadn’t left her. His choice seemed clear to her, even though he insisted on his mind not being made up yet. That one stings in itself and she wonders how she got to this new point in her life where everything _hurts_. Good or bad— she feels pain with every new emotion that floods her being. 

He had begged her to meet him at his spot. She didn’t even know he had a spot here in Los Angeles, but part of her is not surprised. He needs to have something here that calms him, grounds him, keeps him from running back to his hometown. Initially her answer had been no, no longer willing to put herself in a position where they could possibly hurt Gabby, and herself. She wanted to be strong enough to end this, but the way his voice dropped to an even lower octave and his words dripped with such sincerity when he spoke, had made her relent eventually.

Truth is, she missed him. Not seeing him for days after spending a bunch of consecutive ones with him at her home, had been the worst kind of torture. 

She’d gotten in her car around six today, driving out to the lonesome space right behind the local football field. She remembers how she’d use to dream about having her kids play games here, sitting in the trenches with her ex-husband and cheering them on loudly and annoyingly. 

That’s just one of her many dreams that never came into fruition.

She’s surprised Blake even knows about this place, having absolutely no business being here often either. The park lies right behind it and she’s never heard him talk about going there before. The gloomy and cold weather, paired with the time of day, make for a completely empty, deserted sight. There are no kids running around, no coaches raising their voices, no parents expressing their worries. It’s quiet. 

She walks a bit further, until her feet no longer touch the concrete but hit crisp grass instead. There’s a bench a few feet away in the distance, looking out over the empty field cornered by trenches. She spots a figure already sitting there and it takes her less than a second to identify the stunning man as Blake. 

He looks up at her when she approaches, his features softening immediately upon her arrival. 

He gets up to give her a hug but she shakes her head quickly, holding her hand up. Blake seems to get the message as he sits down again, waiting for her to join him. She does so a bit awkwardly, staring out in front of her in silence. 

“Thanks for meeting me.” He speaks softly, the heat of his gaze overwhelming against the side of her face.

“Why here?” She asks.

“I used to come here a lot after I’d first moved here for the job.” He answers softly, the joy of reminiscing over easier times slipping into his voice. “I’d never been great at football but I tried a little bit in high school. Mostly because I wanted to impress my older brother.” 

He ends his sentence with a low chuckle, his teeth biting down into his bottom lip.

“You have a brother?”

“Had.” He corrects her gently. “He passed away when I was twenty. Drunk driver.”

The admission strips her from all air for at least ten seconds, making her shudder out a gasp after oxygen returns to her again. 

“I’m so sorry.”

The passing of his father a year ago, and his reaction to her leaving so soon after, had put his reaction in an even uglier light. The truth of the situation so much darker than what she’d known to believe. He lost two of his role models in this lifetime, his plea for her support even more of a necessity than she’d been able to understand.

“It’s been a long time.” Blake muses slowly. “Every year that passes, I feel a little bit closer to him, a little less angry. I used to come here and watch the kids play, catch a few games. My brother used to be an amazing player; some of the kids remind me of him.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about him?” She asks softly, taking in the soft expression on his face. She expected him to wear his guard like a turtle neck, but instead he lets her in completely when he shares this part of his history. 

“It just never seemed to be the right time.” He replies, his answer as honest as it’s hurtful.

There never quite _was_ the right time. Their whole relationship was built on passion or tragedy, no in between. They didn’t get the soft and gentle conversations that could go on with no end. There was always a time limit, a professional one that called him home or a girlfriend. Before that, her own fears drove him out of the door faster than he could make such an admission. 

“I guess you’re right.” She relents. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” 

She shrugs, her hands rubbing together in her lap as she tries to ignore the cold. 

“I just wish things were different.”

He hums. “So do I.”

“Blake.” She starts to say, but he gently cuts her off. 

“Please, let me.” He says, turning his body to look at her better. “I know what you’re gonna ask, what you’re gonna say, but please just wait. Just wait.”

She lets out a long breath. 

“Wait for what?”

“For me.”

She squints her eyes, but doesn’t have the strength to deny him his request. She doesn’t look at him directly when she nods. 

“I should’ve called you sooner.” He says. “After the party... I was meaning to, but nothing I could possibly say would even come close to what you deserved to hear. So I decided to wait and I know that hurt you.”

She scoffs. “What about now? You have something to say that I _do_ deserve to hear?”

“Gabby wants me to stop seeing you. For good.”

The words feel like a punch to the gut, but all that comes out of her mouth is a bitter chuckle. 

“Wow.” She exhales, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Just wow Blake.”

“No, just listen to me.” He interrupts, trying to get her to look at him but not succeeding. “She wants me to cut off all contact with you, but I can’t do that.”

His words don’t bring her any comfort anymore, just pain and confusion, waiting to explode in her chest.

“Does she know that?”

“She will.”

Gwen stays quiet, her mind having a hard time controlling her mouth. All these months, she’s gotten clear on the fact that Blake is the love of her life; the one who made her believe in happy endings and showed her life through a whole different lens. He made her see in colour again after only knowing black and white for so long. 

To her, he _is_ love. 

But what is she to him? His regret? His fantasy? His backup plan for when Gabby fails to put up with him? 

She can feel her heart starting to rip at the seams, every carefully crafted dream around this man in front of her starting to crumble down. 

It’s a dying love in slow motion. A flower that isn’t being watered enough, holding on to its last strand of oxygen before drying up.

“Why am I really here?” She whispers, eyes focused on the view in front of her. “Why did you bring me here? What was so important you just had to ignore your girlfriend’s wishes and come see me?”

“Gwen, I know you’re upset—“

“— You actually don’t know anything.” She chokes out. “You know nothing at all, Blake.”

“She knows.” Blake says slightly louder, drowning out the sound of her own voice. “About everything. Us hooking up, the party, all of it.”

Gwen feels the colour drain from her face, the blood rushing to the lowest point of her body, chills running along her spine. 

“What?”

“I told her the morning after she sobered up. We got into this huge argument about how she acted, what she said, and the truth just kind of came out. I was tired of lying to her and she was tired of being lied to, I guess.”

Gwen swallows roughly. “The way she looked at me at that party... I just know she already knew back then. I could see it in her eyes.”

Blake nods. “We had an argument before we got there too. She...” He bites his lip, finally dropping his gaze from her cheek. “She saw the hickey you left. She didn’t say anything at the time, but she got so quiet in the Uber afterwards, I just know she saw it and figured it out. It’s why she got drunk in the first place.”

Gwen feels like throwing up, her stomach turning violently. 

She’s been in Gabby’s position multiple times, each time feeling like a part of her died. Her ex-husband had been no stranger to shitting all over her wedding vows and she can still remember all the times she cried herself to sleep, wondering what it was that she didn’t have what all these other women seemed to give him so easily. She almost feels like shredding her skin and disappearing into nothingness at the thought of becoming that woman to someone else. 

“She’s right, you know?” Gwen murmurs, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. 

“About what?” He asks.

“Everything. About telling you to stop seeing me, for hating me— all of it. She’s your girlfriend, Blake and for some reason she hasn’t broken up with you. Of course her one demand is you cutting me out of your life. If I were her, I’d do the exact same thing.”

“I know that.” He whispers, emotion causing his voice to crack. “But I can’t just walk away from you, I can’t just do that.”

“Why not?” Gwen presses. “Why do you insist on hurting her, on hurting _me_?”

His eyes widen. “That’s not fair. I did not do this _to_ you. You asked me to come back, you kissed me! And when I took it further, complaints where the furthest thing from coming out of your mouth.”

“You’re right, we both did that, we both made that mistake. But now I’m telling you that I can’t do it again. If you want me, _earn_ me. Don’t use me as your back-up plan— don’t turn me into that girl, Blake.”

“I wouldn’t have asked you to come out here if I didn’t still want you. I’m doing what I can.”

The bitter laugh that escapes her lips is out before she can stop it.

“I know you’re not actually that delusional.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Are you leaving her?”

“We’re on a break.”

Gwen nods, turning to look at him. “But not broken up? Is this break permanent?”

“I told her I think we both need some time to figure things out.”

“Stop bullshitting me.” She grits out. “Is this break permanent?”

“I don’t know.”

“Great.” She whispers, standing up quickly as she zips her jacket back up to her chin.

“Where are you going?” He asks, standing up with her.

“Home.” She answers. “I don’t do this, Blake. I thought I could do it for you, I thought I could let go of all my morals and beliefs and be this person for _you_ , cause I just wanted you so damn much, but I won’t do it. If you can’t let her go, I’m done.”

“Gwen...”

“I told you I would fight for you, that I would make things right.” She continues, her hand involuntarily reaching out to his cheek. “I still mean that. I hope you can see that this is me fighting for you.”

“By walking away?” He whispers, his gaze landing on her wrist, as her fingers rub slowly across the cold flesh of his cheek. 

“By not pushing too hard for something you don’t really want. By making the decision for you so you can continue being a man you can be proud of.”

“I love you.”

He utters the words not even as a statement, the words come out as a broken reassurance, a desperate admission that stems from despair. 

She won’t say it back, not this time.

“I wish it was enough.”

She bites back tears when she pulls her hand away from his face, her legs carrying her as far away from the bench — and Blake— as she makes her way back to the car. 

She’s doing the right thing.

Even when it’s tearing her apart to do so.

\--

Manny is sitting across from her in the atelier, her favorite designers coming together to make the perfect fit for her.

The dress clung to her body like second skin; the light blue satin feeling like silk as it descends down her arms, cascading down to the floor. Her shoulders are free of any fabric, exposing her collarbone and a small part of her chest. Her boobs are pushed up slightly, but still to the point of being appropriate. The waist-high slit on the right side causes one of her legs to pop out, her favorite heels decorating her feet. The designers have definitely outdone themselves this time, and she smiles widely while checking herself out in the life-size mirror.

“I love it.” She says excitedly, fighting the urge to clap her hands like a little kid. “It’s so stunning, oh my god you guys!”

“It’s absolutely breathtaking.” Manny agrees, his face one of complete awe. “You look amazing all the time, darlin’. But this dress might be my favorite you’ve ever worn.”

Gwen continues to stare at herself in the mirror, the dress truly fitting her perfectly. She’s almost a bit jealous to not have come up with this design herself, but she’s utterly grateful for the opportunity to wear it.

She looks over at Larry, her go-to designer for most of these events.

“It’s perfect.” She beams proudly. “This is exactly what I needed right now, thank you so much.”

He smiles at her in response. “The pleasure is all mine. I can’t wait to see you rock that red carpet. The colour looks exceptionally stunning on you.”

“And these details?” She says in awe, pointing at the small silver diamonds staining the covered up bustier. “You managed to sparkle this baby up without overdoing it. I don’t think I ever want to take this dress off.”

She earns a few laughs from the men and women in the room, as she bites her lip in excitement.

Having another event to attend to would at least get her mind off her less than functional personal life. The success of her latest clothing line had been the legitimate highlight of her days, the fact that she’s about to attend Fashion’s biggest night, with at least three major interviews planned—two on the carpet and one inside—has been as surreal as being here in the first place.

She’s nervous about how she’ll be perceived, her tainted reputation after leaving the scene for months after her divorce, had left a lot of people with questions. Her comeback line had taken care of a bunch of them, but there’s still a lot of ground left uncovered.

That’s the part of being a fashion designer though; she doesn’t need to shed light on those things. She’s not an artist that makes her living off selling encrypted details of her personal life. She’s the type of artist to stun with the art that comes from her visually enhanced brain. She makes people feel something with her designs, make them feel good about themselves by creating pieces that feel good to wear. She just hopes that continues to be enough, especially with her name growing exceptionally more popular with the years.

“We’ll get you to the carpet around seven, seven thirty. Your first interview is scheduled around eight, so you’ll have enough time for your interview with Genna at ten.” Manny starts listing off her duties for tonight. “Dan will meet you before you hit the red carpet, so you two can go over the formalities and discuss any possible discrepancies.”

“There are no discrepancies.” She clarifies, motioning for her stylist to help her out of her shoes, her gown not leaving her with enough moving space to do it herself. “We’ve already gone over this earlier; we’ll walk the red carpet together since he helped create a bunch of these ideas, I’ll introduce him as my business partner on this particular project, a friend in my personal life. That’s it.”

She knows her team is ready for her to announce them as something more to the world, but she’s been clear from the start, that’s just not what this is. Dan Willinger is a respected colleague, someone she enjoys working with, but there never has been a romantic spark between them. She won’t ruin the good work relationship she’s got going with him, by forcing some false narrative down people’s throats.

“People would go absolutely nuts if they thought you were dating your colleague.” Manny interrupts quickly. “A colleague you’ve created this whole Love & Empowerment line with, no less? That’s just business gold.”

Gwen shakes her head, unimpressed.

“I’ve never needed a man to sell _my_ art. I’ve never relied on these business tricks ever before and I damn sure won’t start now. If people want to buy my clothes, it will be because they think the quality fucking rocks, not because they like the idea of a man being behind my creative ideas.”

Her co-founder slash friend throws his hands up.

“You know I would never tell you what to do when it comes to that, but all I’m saying is that you and him walking the carpet together can be good for many things.”

“And we’ll walk it.” She says firmly. “Just not as romantic partners.”

Her voice allows no room for argument and her friend drops it. She lets out a sigh of relief, the thought of any other romantic interest the furthest thing from her mind. She’s still in the process of getting over the one currently still occupying her brain.

Tonight, she wants to focus on the one thing that _is_ going right for her—her career.

She’s back in her regular clothes an hour later, being shipped off to hair and make-up while checking her phone compulsory. Nights like these were always nerve-wrecking, so she’d spent whatever time she had to do nothing, going over business mails and distracting her brain with as much work as possible.

By the time she’s back into her dress, people are demanding her attention left and right, her head already spinning when she finally gets in the large SUV. Manny goes over the night one more time with her, making sure she knows what’s expected from her, while also encouraging her to have an actual great time.

Lights are already flashing when the car pulls up at the back entrance, her mind clouding with nerves and excitement as she’s being escorted towards the carpet. She meets with Dan during the quiet before the storm, his hands reaching out for hers as he gestures for her to do a little spin.

“You look great as always.” He comments, taking her in.

She smiles widely, going in for a quick hug.

The thirty-something man looks tidy and carpet ready, his all black look complete with a sparkly harness that showed off the hard muscles beneath his black dress shirt.

“You ready for what’s about to happen?” She half jokes, looking out at the carpet that’s currently being made ready for their arrival.

“Are you?” He asks, eyes sparkling.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” She responds. “Just remember, don’t let any of these questions throw you off and more than anything, always try to direct them back to the cause at hand, which is—“

“—Our project.” He cuts her of gently. “I know.”

She lets out another sigh of relief, looking at him with a soft smile.

“Sorry, I just want this night to go perfect.”

She realizes the red carpet will be televised and as much as she tried not to do it, her brain can’t stop thinking about Blake. If he’ll somehow catch a glimpse of her doing what she loves to do.

If he feels any type of way if he sees her with another man on her arm.

Dan holds out his arm for her to hook hers with, offering himself up as an actual pillar of support in this moment. She feels oddly calm and at ease by the way he seems to be lacking of all nerves.

“Don’t worry.” He speaks to her softly, encouraging. “Tonight is going to perfect. Just trust me.”

She smiles again before nodding up at him.

“Ready?”

“Let’s go.”

The minute they set foot on the red carpet, flashes go off and numerous people are yelling for her to look at her right. She does as she’s told, while Dan unhooks their arms in favour of sliding them around her back. They take a few pictures separately as well, while taking the last ones together again. She looks up at him to gauge his reaction, and he seems to be ready for this to end now too. She waves friendly at the group of photographers still yelling demands at them, before gently leading them both off the carpet.

She lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding after it’s all over.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get over that part.” She says softly, tucking her hair back behind her ear.

Her long hair is straightened, making it fall like silk down her back.

“Really?” Dan asks. “You look so professional up there. If you hadn’t told me you were nervous before, I wouldn’t have had a clue.”

“Years of practice, I guess.” She chuckles.

Before she knows it, they’re being ushered to the other side of the carpet again, the first interview of the evening taking off. Dan is mostly quiet next to her, letting her take the lead on these things unless he’s directly being asked a question. She’s impressed by the ease in which he conducts himself in these interviews, and her nerves quickly dissipate.

“You think you two will ever work together again?” The interviewer asks anticipatory. “The chemistry seems to be so great and lots of raving reviews have named this your best collection yet.”

Gwen shares a quick look with Dan before looking back to the woman.

“Thank you. These pieces are definitely something special and it’s been an honour getting to work with Dan. He’s incredibly talented and on top of that, he’s just a great human being. I would love to get to work with him again in the future.”

“I second all of that.” Dan’s voice follows hers up. “I’ve had the time of my life while collaborating with Gwen. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat, assuming she’ll still have me.”

His choice of words causes her brain to immediately think back on her personal life. It feels good to stand here with someone who values her time and attention, even if it’s just business. It had been too long since she felt like she was someone’s first choice—like he was doubting whether she found _him_ worth the shot. She reminds herself they’re still talking about clothing lines and fashion here, and shoots a quick smile over to Dan.

“Don’t be silly. My door is always open, you know that.”

The interviewer points out their genuine kindness and gives them a small speech about the importance of collaborations in fashion. They’re being ushered to the next person minutes later, doing the same interview all over again. She doesn’t even mind the fact that these things appear to be super redundant, the realization of her line being big enough for these interviews to be necessities now, the only thing that cloud her frontal lobe, causing nothing but gratitude to flood her senses.

Both she and Dan let out relieved sighs when the red carpet is over and they can make their way inside. The venue is large and crowded and it’s not long before they’re being crowded by a bunch of people who just can’t wait to celebrate them on their success.

She has an unobstructed view of Dan working the room, his mood and attitude infectious. It had been nice to be around someone who openly seemed to adore and respect her, doing everything he could to ease her nerves all night. He’d only left her side for about thirty minutes and Gwen had excused herself towards the bar where she got herself a drink. She’s standing in the back of the venue, finally getting a break of talking to people all night.

She smiles when Dan looks back at her at the exact same time, raising her glass in sync with him as they do their quiet toasting from across the room. He’s back to socializing with some of the attendees again, and it gives her the time to properly think about her life.

She turns all her attention to the drink in her hand, not drunk, not even feeling slightly buzzed, and she idly wonders how her current life situation didn’t push her back into searching for the bottom of a bottle each night. It’s a small win maybe, but it brings a smile to her face regardless.

In many ways, her friend Chelsea had helped her through that time the most, reminding her of all the things she stood to lose if she continued down that path. There’s no one more equipped to make her realize that than her friend and she takes another sip of her drink while remembering the darker days for them both. Life had a funny way of showing her the depths of irony.

It’s interesting and a little disconcerting at the same time.

She knows she should probably think about that in a more serious way, but she can’t really be bothered when her head is full with too many other things.

A hand lands on her bare shoulder a minute later, feeling the heat from Dan’s palm when he stands a little closer than necessary.

“You okay? You’ve been standing here for a hot minute.” He observes gently.

“Just thinking.” She says. “Taking it all in.”

“I hope you’re proud of yourself, Gwen. You really outdid yourself this time.”

Her brows raise.

“Me? Oh no, we did this one together.”

He brushes it off. “You were the driving force behind this machine. I merely provided some adjustments here and there.”

“You’re selling yourself short, but thank you.” She says sweetly, the hand on her shoulder causing many conflicting, not all bad thoughts in her mind. “That’s really sweet of you to say.”

“I heard there’s a lot of buzz generating already, we seemed to have made an impression on the carpet earlier.”

That catches her attention, the fingers around her glass tightening involuntarily. She looks up at him, his face beaming as it’s obvious he thinks he just did her a favour by telling her this.

Maybe he did.

“What do you mean?” She asks, suddenly a bit nervous.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re incredibly successful and also incredibly desired by many—I think you walking the carpet with me gives many people this feeling of hope, like if she makes the time for a guy like _that_ ….”

No, no, no. Her head is spinning by the time he trails off his sentence, letting the suggestive words fall quiet in the air around them.

She should probably feel touched or at least flattered by the sentiment, but all she can think about is how much she doesn’t want to be seen like that, ever again.

“I hardly doubt that’s the case…” Gwen stammers. “People are probably just excited because they love a good story; two colleagues turning out to be more than friends while working on a successful collection? That’s a fairytale to many.”

She recites Manny’s earlier words, even though she still doesn’t feel much for it.

“But we’re not more than friends.”

“The people don’t know that.” She retorts. “How many times have you seen public figures deny involvement with each other, only for it to become clear they lied weeks later.”

Dan shrugs. “You’re right. Whatever the reason might be, people are flipping out—in a good way.” He adds.

“That’s good.” Gwen says, trying to get her nerves in check again. “People being excited and generating buzz means more exposure for the line. It’s what it deserves.”

Dan’s hand slides from her shoulder to her arm, squeezing lightly.

“It’s what you deserve too.” He says, voice a bit lower than usual. “I don’t think I know anyone who works harder. It’s just nice to see good things happen to genuinely good people.”

His words almost bring tears to her eyes, and she swallow roughly to get the lump in her throat to go down. She smiles up at him softly, voice rough with emotion.

“Thank you.”

“Wanna get one last drink together?”

She nods while letting him guide her to the bar in the back. She’s relieved for that conversation to be over, but the words continue to linger around in her head for a while. She wonders if she’ll ever get rid of people seeing her on some sort of pedestal, wonders if maybe the only way she’ll ever be done with it is if she turns a blind eye to the existing prejudice.

She’s grateful to be here with Dan tonight. He seems to be enjoying himself just fine and she can’t deny how much of a help it is to have him help her let loose a bit. She finds herself actually enjoying the rest of the party, making their way through the numerous guests and executives.

As great as the event was, she’s happy to go back home at the end of the night. Her feet are tired and she takes off the high heels when she’s in the back of the SUV, immediately.

Her head leans back against the headrest, her heart still beating fast. The adrenaline of the night seemed to still be on a high. She smiles to herself when she remembers the many compliments and well-wishes she received by her peers tonight and it almost feels like she’s walking on a cloud the moment she steps inside her mansion again.

Aside from the hellish ache in her feet.

Her assistant and Manny go with her only for a little bit, helping her out of her dress and giving her one last confirmation about tonight being a huge success.

The silence after being left alone again is an adjustment, but not a bad one. She takes a quick shower, before deciding to hit the covers right away. She can look online for the scoop or _buzz_ —as Dan so eloquently called it—tomorrow. Right now, she just needs to sleep.

Her head has barely left the pillow when a soft buzzing sound indicates she’d just gotten a text. She wasn’t gonna look at it, barely even registers herself doing it, but her slim fingers reach out for the device on the nightstand regardless.

She bites her lip while reading his text.

**Blake:**   
**You looked stunning tonight.**

Though it’s not a confession or break through of any sorts, it does prove to her that he indeed watched her on tv. The thought of him remembering there was even anything to be watched tonight was a small victory on its own, but she won’t let her brain get too excited about that.

She doesn’t answer his text either, knowing that her decision to let him go had been the right one.

For all she knows, he could’ve watched her on tv tonight while sitting next to Gabby on the couch.

Still, she finds sleep just a little easier that night.


	18. Chapter 18

_He can barely keep his eyes open, he’s so tired._

_His breath catches when his eyes follow the gorgeous woman on the tv. Her blue-ish dress reveal her shoulders and chest, hugging her slender waist and the soft curve of her hips. The dress falls to the floor gorgeously, the silver necklace nestled between her breasts almost enough to make his heart stop._

_She had straightened her hair completely, having it frame her gorgeous face. There’s a certain glow that she gets whenever she’s doing what she loves the most, and the sight makes him fairly certain about his profound love for her._

_It’s not the kind of love that makes him giddy and speechless. It’s the type of love that starts at the base of his spine and works its way up throughout his entire body, making his mind feel like it’s seconds away from exploding, while knowing he’d pick this feeling over any sane and painless one. It’s the type of love that makes him question everything, but also makes him believe in things he’d never even thought about before. It’s the type of love that leaves him feeling weak and vulnerable, his body damn near shaking with the force of it._

_She looks absolutely stunning._

_The many people asking for her attention, paparazzi begging for the perfect picture, not to mention the fella hanging on her arm looking nothing short but dazzled by her._

_He wishes he could say it didn’t feel like someone took a chainsaw to his heart at the sight of him, but he can’t._

_It’s unfair, he’s well aware of that, and so he takes another sip of his beer and tries to suppress any bitter thought that flares up in his brain. He watches and listens, as she so professionally handles every question being thrown her way. He’s in awe of how good she is at this, at showing people just enough of herself to get them interested, but always keeping them guessing for the full picture. He thinks he loves and hates her for it._

_And yet, despite the complete and utter destruction this woman declared on his heart, there was also a large part of him that never felt as alive as he did when he’s with her. Even watching her on tv fills him with some sort of energy that he felt completely drained of before._

_He hadn’t seen Gabby in two weeks, pretty much around the same time he last saw Gwen. He’d been meaning to meet with his girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend—he wasn’t quite sure at this point. She’d asked him if they could talk, and as much as he didn’t feel like he deserved it, or even wanted it, he didn’t have the heart to tell her no. Not after what he did._

_His attention is brought back to the screen when Gwen, and the man who was just identified as Dan by the interviewer, take their stance for a few more pictures. They look perfect together, the way his style complements hers, from the way her small body looks against his bigger, masculine one._

_He tried, he really did, but he can’t help but turn off the television after that._

_The torturous feeling doesn’t leave him alone for hours; he takes a shower to relax his body a bit underneath the tension that it feels, but all it does is leave him with more questions and memories. He thinks about the last conversation he and Gwen had, and how every sentence he spoke to her just seemed to come out wrong._

_Maybe it’s because he has nothing good to tell her right now._

_Nothing good to offer._

_He’s tired and lonely, but most of all, confused. He’s never been this goddamn confused in his life, and it makes him want to put a sledgehammer to any and everything._

_His bed doesn’t bring him comfort either, as he spends the following hour just staring plainly at the ceiling. His hands itch to text her, or maybe even call her, congratulate her on her big night. He spends a few minutes constructing a possible message to her, erasing and rewriting it about a hundred times. Only a few of them have the question ‘who’s Dan?’ in them, but he hits erase before he can start feeling guilty about that too._

_He rubs a hand over his eyes until he sees stars, wishing he could just find some God forsaken sleep, since all his conscious breaths bring a string of frustration and anxiety lately. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he sends her one text. It’s fairly safe, nothing he hasn’t told her a million times before._

**_You looked stunning tonight._ **

_He puts his phone back on the nightstand, right before turning the device off. He doesn’t necessarily expect a response, but he’ll be damned if he feels that disappointment tonight by not hearing a single responsive buzz._

_No, he’ll deal with that in the morning._

\--

_3 months later._

Too many losses can make a person jaded. He doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to admit it either, but there’s a part of him that clings to the idea of a stable home front so tightly, it could only ever shatter completely. His past relationships have consisted of much of the same sentiment; he would love and hope and dream—until he didn’t. Until whoever he was with at the time realized he was too much, his dreams too far-fetched, his version of love something they didn’t or _couldn’t_ live up to and then they’d leave.

He is a pretty secure guy, confident in what he brings to the table. He’s real enough to admit that it hasn’t been enough for anyone yet.

Still, he was young. He can’t deny there had been a certain freedom in messing around in his earlier years, going from relationship to relationship, seeking a certain connection from people he’d never find and then let himself be disappointed for a little bit after they inevitably ended things. His mother would tell him he’s sabotaging himself, by never going for the women who could ever possibly feed his dreams, and he would always brush it off. 

There was still time, he was still young.

But now he hit thirty-one years of age, the need for a relationship to last became much more of a requisite. His dream of starting a family on the forefront in his mind a lot more than it used to be.

Maybe that’s what growing up is all about; realizing certain passions just aren’t part of anything that’s stable, maybe that’s just part of a fantasy that you must let go of when you become an adult in the real world.

The drive to his house is not as awkward as he thought it would be, at least not from Gabby’s standpoint. She’s perfectly content to quietly contemplate the events of the day, revelling in the fact that their relationship is close to hitting the one year mark. Sitting here next to her in the car, it was as though nothing had changed, although he knows she isn’t naïve enough to believe that’s actually the case. The moment he came clean about his cheating, _everything_ changed. He thought he’d lost her then, and he hated himself when part of him was almost relieved. They had taken a short break, and Blake tried desperately to come to terms with the conflicting emotions he was feeling. He tried getting closer to Gwen, then tried to forget her again. It was a gruesome tug of war he put his heart through willingly, and he stopped doing so after he’d texted her on her big night, and he got nothing in return.

Gabby had surprised him when she decided a break wasn’t what she wanted. She had come back to him two weeks later and after talking it through all night, they decided to give it another shot.

He didn’t think he’d be here again with her, but something about her returning to him, even after he’d admitted to the horrible thing he did to her, made him realize that this could be the closest thing he’d ever get to true love. Gabby had seen him in his darkest times and still came back. She never stopped fighting for him, she never stopped choosing him.

His hand is resting on the console and Gabby reaches out quietly to cover it with her own.

He didn’t mean to stiffen underneath her touch, but he’s relieved when all he gets from her is a small smile. He uses his thumb to briefly stroke the side of Gabby’s hand, while keeping his eyes turned to the road. He doesn’t know if she could tell he drifted off again, to memories not so great, but he _does_ know the moment of affection doesn’t come out of the blue.

He’s noticed that more often lately; the way Gabby avoids from having to verbalize any of his inner thoughts, by using physical contact to deflect. Though he can pinpoint that now, he goes with the flow of her touch without pressing her on it. They had a good day today and there was no reason for him to go and disrupt that, there was no logical reason they could not hold hands.

After making their way through evening traffic, Blake parks the car outside of his house and moves to pull his hand away from hers. Instead of going with it, Gabby tightens her grip on him.

“Blake.”

He looks down at her, swallowing roughly when he can tell she’s cooking up a storm in that brain of hers. “Yeah?”

“We’re okay.”

He’s gotten used to that too; the way she wouldn’t let him dwell on the past, or even so much as let him bring it up anymore. As much as it bothers him, he doesn’t have it in him to blame her for it.

He looks out of the car window and grimaces a little when their gazes connect again.

When they first met, there was something so innocent and real about the way she’d helped him through his rough times. He had gotten actual joy out of getting to know her as well, learning what her dreams were and trying to feed them as best as he could. They had a few months of peace, before every suppressed desire came knocking on his door so loudly, he almost went deaf with it.

He pulls at his hand again, using his free one to push the car door open.

“I know.” He says softly, his hand briefly touching her chin.

They both climb out of the car, her smaller body immediately pressing against his side as they walk onto his porch. Her hand is snaked around his lower back, beneath his jacket, and there’s an actual feeling of hatred there towards himself for feeling anything but energized by it.

She continues to talk while they enter the house, his brain trying to keep up as his first stop is the kitchen, to pour himself a glass of scotch.

He’s not at all surprised when she crowds his personal space again, both her hands leaning on the counter as she traps him between her body, nearly sitting on his lap.

“You seem a little out of it.” She presses.

He wishes he could tell her that despite their best efforts, he just didn’t feel like they made any progress. Instead, he shrugs and lets the alcohol coat his tongue as it glides down his throat.

“No, just…thinking.”

Gabby squints her eyes at him, her fingers starting to trace the top button on his shirt.

“I’ve been thinking a bit myself, too.” She whispers, glaring up at him.

He takes another sip, leaning his back against the counter.

“Yeah?” He asks softly. “About what?”

She steps forward confidently, coming to stand in between his spread legs while wrapping an arm around his neck. Blake closes his eyes when her hand starts working to unbutton his shirt, pushing the fabric aside until it pools solely at his sides.

“ _Gabs_ …” He starts to say as she feels him up, close to asking her to stop, though he knows it’s ridiculous.

“We’ve been dating for almost a year now, Blake.” She whispers against his neck, her breath warm on his skin. “Why don’t we move in together?”

He’s afraid she can hear the loud thumping of his heartbeat, the question catching him genuinely off guard.

“Gabby…” He whispers, feeling his throat tighten at the prospect of hurting her. Again.

“Before you say anything.” She interrupts, continuing to press soft kisses up his neck and back down to his shoulders. “Just think. Just think about how much that would help us, Blake. Tell me you didn’t always dream of having your own family, someone to come home to.”

He closes his eyes, his hand slowly moving to the back of her neck, pausing her ministrations.

“It’s not the right time.” He says lowly.

“It is.” She counters, biting her lip. “We need this.”

Blake starts shaking his head, but before more protest can come out of his mouth, she’s challenging him for an answer herself.

“Why the hell not, Blake?”

“Because….” He looks into the distance, afraid to close his eyes again—afraid to watch his whole world crumble when he does.

Gabby blinks several times, deciding against giving him any more time.

“I forgave you…” She speaks softly, stealing the air straight from his lungs. “I forgave you because I know it was a mistake. I know _you_ know you made a mistake.”

“I don’t—“

“—You’ve been caught up in her, Blake. You have been from the moment I met you. You’re mistaken infatuation with love, but it’s not healthy.”

“Please stop.” He interrupts her, rubbing a tired hand over his face. “Please stop telling me how I feel.”

“She’s not right for you, anyone with eyes can see that. _She_ sees that.” She presses, a wave of sadness hitting him so hard he can barely think. “She saw that when she pushed you away the first time. Why can’t you?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” He presses back, taking another sip of his drink. “I haven’t seen or spoken to her in months, I’m letting her go.”

“No you aren’t.”

“For God’s sake—“

“—You aren’t.” Gabby yells, taking him aback. “You’re here, but you’re not. You still have your head in the clouds, clinging to this goddamn fairytale that was never real in the first place. She never loved you, you know that. You even told me that when we first met.”

“I’m done with this conversation.” He starts to say, urging her to step away from him.

She just shakes her head.

Her hand lifts to the side of his face, tracing his cheekbone. He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to just get up and walk out that door; perhaps it’s love, or guilt, maybe a combination of both. He _does_ know that the gentle touch of her flat palm on his cheek makes him shudder in the worst way. “She’s not real, Blake. The person you’re holding out for, the woman you want so bad, she doesn’t exist. You need to let it go.”

“Why are you still here, Gabs?” He asks, and it’s the question that’s taken up the most space in his mind lately.

There was no logical reason for Gabby to stick around for all this. He would never expect her to stay after all that he’s put her through.

“Cause I believe in you.” She whispers, taking the glass out of his hand with one swift movement and setting it behind him on the countertop. “Because I know we met for a reason, we fell in love for a reason, a purpose..”

“It’s not fair to you.” He says, and he knows this truth about to spill off his lips will either cause the biggest eruption of his life or finally set him free, maybe the one doesn’t exclude the other. “I love you, I’ve never once lied about that. The way you were there for me when I needed it the most, the way we connected—it saved me. And I wish that was enough, trust me when I tell you I hate myself for feeling like I need more.”

“Then don’t.” She says, moments before pressing her lips to his.

He makes a muffled sound, half protest, half whimper. He feels the touch of her tongue slipping past his lips and the way her hands move to the nape of his neck.

He pulls away after getting his bearings back, holding her chin in his hand.

“Gabby, listen to me—“

“No, no, you don’t get to do this.” She cuts him off. “I won’t let you ruin this, Blake. I know you think you’re doing the honourable thing here, but you’re not. You wanna be a good man, you wanna get rid of that pressure on your chest, making you choke on your guilt? Than let her go. Move in with me, build on something stable—you know you want to.”

In a way, it’s the worst thing she could’ve said to him. His whole body feels like it’s under attack, his brain never before had to deal with so many insecurities all at once. Where he once found himself to be incredibly confident, he only finds a shell of that person as he sits before Gabby now.

“I need some air.” He settles on once the oxygen returns to his lungs.

He starts pushing himself up off the kitchen stool, Gabby’s hand tightening on his arm as he tries to walk past her.

“Blake. Wait.” She tries, holding on to him.

Her grip isn’t the tightest he’s ever felt, but he never felt more suffocated in his life. His mind is a mess, but he continues to pull his arm back until she finally relents.

“Let go, Gabby.” He warns softly, feeling unshed tears pool in his eyes.

“You’re gonna go see her?” Gabby asks, damn near scoffing.

“Jesus Christ.” Blake breathes, grabbing his car keys and jacket forcefully. “No, I’m not. I’m gonna take a drive and clear my damn mind. Is that okay with you?”

“Don’t be an ass, you and I both know I have _every_ right to ask that question.”

“And I gave you an answer.” He says, making a straight line for the front door. “I’m not going to see Gwen.”

“She doesn’t even like you.” Gabby exclaims while following him down the hallway. “I could see it in her eyes both times I met her. You’re a game to her, she just wants to see how long she can string along a guy like you, she gets a kick out of making you believe she would ever settle down with you.”

Blake scoffs out a bitter breath before walking out the door. Tears threaten to fall down his cheeks again as he realizes he can’t dispute any of her statements with hundredth percent certainty.

\--

He’d stopped counting his drinks after a while, pretty sure the bartender was gonna cut him off soon. He’s swirling around the ice cubes that are left in his glass, only a small layer of liquor pooling at the bottom. He tries to focus his eyes on the game that’s playing on the little television above the bar, but all it does is hurt his eyes.

Like he envisioned, the bartender gives him a hard time when he tries to order another one and Blake doesn’t have the patience to deal with it tonight. He also feels slightly embarrassed and way too old to be close to kicked out of a bar, so he opts on leaving by himself. He suddenly regrets his decision of driving here, since there’s no way in hell he can drive himself back home.

The air is cool on his face, even in Los Angeles. It made the flesh on his cheeks sting uncomfortably and he needs to steady himself against a wall when trying to order himself an Uber. He shouldn’t even be surprised at seeing that it will take ten minutes, and he throws himself the biggest pity party as he rubs his hands together and pushes them into his pockets for warmth.

His mind wanders to the last few months of his life, inevitably stuck on Gwen. He hates how all he seems to remember is that last look on her face, the one of hurt and disappointed when she realized he wasn’t sure on leaving Gabby.

He didn’t want to hurt the person he cared about most, but his confusion was prowling restlessly through his mind like a caged animal.

None of that confusion seems to be present now, as his stiff fingers absently start dialling her number. If he had been sober, he would’ve been mortified at the time of night he chose to call her, but his mind can’t even wrap around the basic fact that he is.

A large part of him expected to get her voicemail, so he’s completely taken aback when her soft and sleepy voices welcomes him from the other end of the line.

“I’m sorry.” He slurs, wanting to slap himself for those words being the first ones to come out. “It’s late.”

“ _Blake_?”

She sounds genuinely surprised and he can only imagine she picked up without checking her caller ID.

“I expected a conversation with your voicemail, to be honest. This is a nice surprise.”

His words come out hazy and low, the rhythm to his words feeling off, but he can’t quite pinpoint why.

“You’re drunk.”

He can hear the rustling of sheets through the phone and he can see her sit up against the headboard in his mind. It’s a bit awkward almost, how easy it is for him to picture her in bed, even when he’s technically never been there with her.

“You’re right.”

“Where are you?” She asks.

“Why, you wanna come out here and have a drink with me?”

She snorts. “I think you’ve had enough.”

“Please don’t mother me.” He hears himself say, leaning a bit more heavily against the wall pressing into his back. “I’ve had enough of that already today.”

There’s a silence that follows, indicating how she wants to press him on that further. He’s surprised when it never comes.

“Are you with someone?” She asks, her voice sounding worried. “You need to go home.”

“I will.”

There’s another silence, and more ruffling of sheets. He follows every audible movement with as much focus as he can muster, frowning when it suddenly ends.

“Did you hang up on me?” He asks confused.

“No, I’m getting myself a glass of water.” She says softly, taking a deep breath. “Blake, you shouldn’t be calling me.”

“Bad time?” He asks, as if that wasn’t obvious.

“Aside from the fact you called me awake?” She says. “Kind of. I was sleeping.”

“Alone?”

The word escapes his mouth so fast, he can’t do nothing to stop it. He’s pretty confident he’s gonna be hung up on, and honestly, he wouldn’t blame her if she did.

“That’s none of your business.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

She takes a long, deep breath and Blake prepares himself for another bomb to drop.

“To be clear, I am sleeping alone.” She says, surprising him again by dignifying him with a response. “I wouldn’t have picked up if I wasn’t.”

It’s not the perfect response, but it’s much better than the one he had in mind.

He swallows roughly, his eyes heavy with fatigue and intoxication.

“I’m sorry for asking that.” He says slowly, his throat hurting with the strength it takes to force words out. “I know you don’t owe me anything, not even a reply. I watched you on tv the other night, you looked so stunning. I hate him, but you looked amazing, _happy._ How can I stand here and tell you I love you and then not want you to be happy? I can’t. So I’m happy for you, Gwen.”

“Blake….” She breathes.

“When’s the last time you went to the beach?”

Her little gasp of surprise is loud and he can’t suppress the soft chuckle that escapes him.

“W-what?”

“When’s the last time you went to the beach?” He asks again, pointedly.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I love nature. I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Sunsets, the woods, even water…it almost feels sacred, you know?”

She’s quiet and he’s sure she feels like he’s completely lost his mind, too drunk to have a normal conversation—and God, he really is fucked up. But somehow this makes the most sense to him.

“It kind of reminds me of you in many ways. Larger than life, even though you can’t see it. Powerful in a way that’s destructive but also needed, because without nature there’s no life. It controls everything.”

“Blake, stop.”

“You control me, Gwen. You might not realize it, might not even believe it, but it’s true.”

“Blake…” The way she speaks his name this time causes him to stay quiet. “He might not be here right now, but he has been a few times.”

Blake blinks a few times. “Dan?”

“I’ve slept with him.”

“You’re dating him?” His brain seems to work ten times slower than it usually does, the question coming out soft and delayed, his breath speeding up painfully fast.

“Not really, no.” She whispers. “He’s a friend, we decided not to take it further.”

“Sleeping together is already pretty far, if you ask me.”

He had prepared himself for this much, realized from the moment he saw them on tv that something was going on—and if it wasn’t already, would at some point down the line. He’s not surprised to hear her admission, and as hard as he tries to not react bitterly, he can barely stand upright by the force of it.

“Well, I didn’t ask.” She counters, smoothing it over the next second. “I don’t want to hurt you, I think we’ve done enough of that already.”

“You’re not hurting me.” He lies, his head snapping up towards the curb as he sees his car arrive, headlights blinding. “I’m happy for you, Gwen.”

“We’re not dating.”

“I know.” Blake’s quiet for another second. “Is he kind to you?”

She doesn’t answer him right away and that’s an answer in itself.

“He’s a good friend. He knows things are complicated and he doesn’t want to add to that.”

Blake bites his lip. “Gwen, I gotta go. I’m sorry I called.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

He doesn’t want to lie to her, or to anyone for that matter, and so he deflects from the question entirely.

“Go back to sleep, pretty girl.”

He didn’t mean for the pet name to slip out, but he’s not necessarily sorry either. She mutters another breathy apology followed by a yawn and he smiles to himself softly before hanging up.

The drive home goes way quicker than he expected, the sight of his front porch and what’s waiting for him when he steps inside doesn’t do much for him anymore. It’s his house, but it’s no longer home and he almost chokes on that realization.

It’s becoming harder and harder to understand what home even is to him.

He used to have a pretty clear idea, but now it’s all foggy and troubled.

What if home turns out to be a large LA mansion, and fashion events, and flashy studios with big gates?

What if home isn’t about any of that, what if home is with the woman he just hung up on?

Whatever it is—it’s becoming clear to him that _this_ ….Isn’t it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter that deals with a lot of important stuff. In a lot of ways, this will be just the beginning for Blake and Gwen. Though we're not done with all the angst yet, there's an undeniable shift that happens from here on out -- one I think most of you have been waiting for.

She’d started writing again. Not that much and definitely not as confidently as she used to do it once.

Growing up, she had a lot of different musical influences; she loved to imagine the way her own music would sound if she ever had the guts to go for it. She was drawn to the Ska scene, loving the thought of mixing and blending different genres and making it appeal to the non-commercial, almost underground demographic. It wasn’t until later that she got into Jazz and R&B. That, paired with her parent’s influence, had her listening to a wild range of music. Music had always had a way of explaining her own feelings back to her. She learned that fashion was the one thing she felt truly good at, and following her heart into that direction was the logical thing to do. Writing had been her other outlet, that sometimes got abandoned when she felt like the world became too heavy. There had been times where she didn’t feel like facing her emotions and she’d figured out that every single time she got in that mindset, the channel in which she’d usually receive lyrics to her brain, would completely shut off and leave her empty.

The sun is low on the horizon by the time she finishes her first song in nearly five years. She had dabbled and roughly drafted a few loose pieces over the months, but she hadn’t been able to sit down and actually finish one, like she did today.

Younger Gwen had never envisioned herself being here at thirty six; sitting in her backyard of her dream house, divorced, writing another song.

Things had been bad these last few years, but she’d undoubtedly reached some achievements she couldn’t even dream up back then. A smile tears at her cheeks when she thinks back of signing her first contract at the company that kick started her career. She’d celebrated by taking Chelsea out to dinner, almost ten years ago and she made a promise to her then—she would take her with her wherever she’d go. Her friend had been her co-worker ever since and she’d been Gwen’s first hire when she started her own company.

There had only been a few core people that had truly changed her life for the better. Manny had been one of them, in many ways so was her Mom, but Chelsea would certainly be top two. She’d met the woman when she was in her early twenties, after she’d just moved out and decided to give fashion a fair shot. Her first apartment had been small, a studio floor she shared with Lizzie, who was looking for a roommate at the time. Chelsea had been someone she didn’t intend to meet. She still shudders as she imagines what _could’ve_ happened if she didn’t go out that night. If she hadn’t run into Chelsea outside on the curb; the look in her eyes so sad and hopeless, Gwen still dreams about it sometimes.

Chelsea had only been a ghost of the woman she is now. Gwen isn’t exactly sure how many visits to rehab Chelsea had behind her by the time they met, but she can still vividly recall the four times she’d been there for. Her ex-husband had pushed for Gwen to let go and give up on her friend multiple times during her last visit to the rehabilitation center seven years ago.

Gwen hadn’t listened, her loyalty outstretching further than just her ex-husband.

She ended up losing him.

Chelsea has been clean for five and a half years now.

Her life had been a series of tragedy and triumphs. Life had taught her to take care of others and forget about herself. It had taught her to reach for the stars, but never expect the moon. She learned to put her faith in herself because others would always disappoint.

She’s learning that her own beliefs haven’t always been the right ones. Trying to change them now is hard, but it proves to be worth it by the way these lyrics stain the paper in front of her. She’s starting to believe in the healing powers of _others_ again.

Hope is a dangerous thing to have.

She realizes that by the way Blake still has a bit of hers.

She startles when a car pulls up the drive, her head jerking away from the sheet in her lap. She smooths her hands down her jeans, her eyes nearly popping out of their sockets when she identifies who the car belongs to.

It’s been years since he came to see her without an invitation. Buzzing him in, she shoots a quick prayer to the man upstairs.

“Dad. I didn’t expect to see you here.” She says by the time he’s made it to her front porch, the stiff features of his face not quite softening at the sight of her. “What are you doing here?”

“Can’t a father just visit his daughter randomly?” He asks, making his way into her new house for the first time.

She finds herself holding her breath as he takes in the new surroundings, his eyes scanning over every inch of her living room.

“Your Mom told me about the lunch dates you two started doing again. I was in the neighbourhood, I figured I’d just stop by. Get a glimpse of my daughter as well.”

Gwen decides to let the slight dig go, knowing that his being around the neighbourhood excuse is exactly that—an excuse. They live at the other side of town, there’s no way he didn’t go out of his way to come visit her.

“I’m glad you’re here. Coffee?” She offers.

Her Dad nods.

It shouldn’t be that way, but she feels like holding her breath the entire time he’s here. She almost feels like fainting when he walks over to her kitchen, taking in the freshly designed and constructed area in silence. She lingers against the refrigerator, the cup of coffee in her hands the only thing keeping her warm.

“I like what you did with the place.” He says softly.

The compliment comes as a surprise.

“Thank you.”

“Blake, right?” His eyes search for hers and Gwen feels like the rug just got pulled from underneath her at the mention of his name. “He’s the one you hired to do this?”

She hasn’t seen Blake in four months, hasn’t even spoken to him either aside from that one drunken phone call two days ago. It’s weird to talk about him now, with her Dad of all people.

“Yeah.” She swallows roughly. “He did the kitchen and the studio you saw outside.”

Her father nods. “He did a good job.”

Gwen’s desperate to steer the conversation away from the constructer, her father’s tone of voice not promising much good, despite the positive words falling from his lips.

“He’s great.”

“At his job.” Her father clarifies.

“Dad, please.”

She abandons her spot against the fridge, walking out to the living room. Her heart hammers at the prospect of this conversation, though she prepared herself for turmoil the moment she saw his car pull up.

“Your Mom told me you’re not speaking to him anymore.”

Gwen lets out a loud sigh, situating herself on the couch. “I’m not.”

“That’s good.”

She shakes her head, tears brimming in her eyes.

“ _Of course_.” She whispers under her breath.

“Gwen, we’ve had this talk before—“

“—We have.” She cuts in, suddenly finding herself off the couch again. “And I’m not interested in having it again, so if that’s the only reason you’re here, to tell me how bad he is for me and how good it is to have cut him out of my life again, you can go. I don’t want to hear it.”

“You just won’t hear me…” Her father muses into the space between them, his words triggering a violent thumping against her chest.

“How have I _not_ heard you?” She snaps, her voice shrill as her volume slightly rises. “How have I possibly, ever, not heard you? All I’ve ever heard is your voice, Dad. Now I come to think of it, I don’t think my own voice has ever been mine, up until now. I lost a good thing, a great thing, because I let your beliefs become mine. I judged an amazing man because I thought that would be the only way to make you proud. Damnit, I’ve heard you loud and clear.”

Her father lowers his cup of coffee on her counter, the force of it so hard she wonder if it’ll leave a dent in the marble. Maybe that’s his point—ruin another thing Blake has ever gotten his hands on.

“You don’t want to do that.” He snarls. “You don’t want to blame me for your own failures, Gwen. You’re thirty-six, any failed relationship is on you.”

“I don’t blame you for that relationship not working out.” She says, her breathing coming out uneven. “I blame you for making me feel like I should be happy about that.”

“You _should_ be.” He retorts, his own voice rising.

Gwen scoffs. “Why are you here today, Dad? Really?”

“Because I wanted to see with my own eyes how you were doing.”

“Well, I’m fine.” She says, throwing her hands up. “As you can see, I’m great— _thrilled_.”

“Gwen.”

She can tell he’s about to unleash another rant upon her, but the sound of her gate being buzzed interrupts the moment.

She looks up at her Dad in surprise, and then back out into the driveway. As if her heart wasn’t beating fast enough already, the sight of Blake’s car waiting to be buzzed in sends her heartrate in overdrive. The Universe or God must have a plan for this, but she’s genuinely clueless as to why this must happen now. She hasn’t seen Blake in months, and when she’s in a heated argument about him with her Dad, is when he decides to show up?

She only gets a few seconds to think, before she slowly lets her legs carry her over to welcome him past her gate. Her father doesn’t even ask her who’s there, but she can tell he’s well aware by the way a bitter scoff escapes his lips.

She turns her attention back to him, pleading with her eyes in a way she knows she can’t get her voice to do.

“If you care me for at all, you’ll let this go.”

The words aren’t exactly a plea, but it’s as close as they’re gonna get to one.

Her father looks at her disapprovingly, walking further into the kitchen as if he’s physically trying to remove himself from the situation.

She wasn’t prepared for what it would feel like to be face to face with Blake again, his tall figure looming over her on her patio. His face is a mixture of nerves and warmth, and she wishes more than anything that she could bask in it right now. The thing that stands out to her the most though, is his unawareness. He’s in no way prepared for what’s waiting for him inside and that thought is what makes her push him backwards, a soft hand on his chest.

Her need to protect him overpowering everything else.

He looks at her in surprise, letting her take him down the small steps and back towards his car. She looks behind her to see if the coast is clear before stepping into his space, lowering her voice.

“I need you to come back another time.” She says, her voice soft and apologetic.

“ _Gwen_ —“

“My Dad’s inside.”

“Oh.” Blake exclaims, scratching the back of his neck.

Blake’s aware of the man’s feelings towards him, but he doesn’t seem to understand why she’s suddenly hauling him out of there. She knows that if it were up to him, he would probably face her father—his confidence in that department certainly not lacking.

“I hope you’re not sending the guy away before introducing him to your old man.” A voice behind her speaks lowly, the dread in her stomach growing instantly.

She only gets a second of Blake’s surprised features before she looks back to find her Dad standing only a few feet away.

Gwen finds herself incredibly close to lashing out, but Blake’s interference stops her.

“I’m Blake.” The handsome constructer holds out his hand, smiling gently when her Dad accepts it into a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you, sir.”

“It’s great to finally put a face to the name.” Her dad replies, instead of returning the sentiment. Gwen feels herself grow angry on the spot, but something about Blake’s continuous light demeanour keeps her from falling off that edge completely.

Blake nods with a smile. “Likewise.”

“Blake, if you want you can wait inside. My Dad’s just leaving.”

“My daughter seems to be in a rush to get one of us out of here.” Her father observes, his gaze never once leaving Blake’s. “Though I wouldn’t take it personal, she has taken even worse one’s home.”

Gwen’s eyes widen while she tries to steady herself on her two feet.

“That’s enough.” She whispers, looking up at the man who raised her, the man who’s approval she fought for all along, only for it to blow up in her face like this.

“With all due respect sir, I’m afraid you don’t know me half enough to form a proper opinion about me. Or my relationship with your daughter for that matter.”

“From what I’ve heard, there _is_ no relationship.” Her father retorts. “Listen, I have nothing against you personally, but you’re in over your head here. You wanna be a real man? Leave her alone. Realize you have nothing to offer her and let her find someone else who does.”

Gwen half expected Blake to lash out then, lose his cool, but instead he stays perfectly calm.

“Your daughter is the smartest person I know. I think she’s perfectly capable of making that decision herself.”

Her father chuckles bitterly. “She’s proven numerous times that she can’t.”

“You need to leave..” Gwen says breathily. “ _Now_.”

“I don’t want to continue to fight with you.” He says, adverting his gaze back to his daughter. “I’m looking out for you and as much as you hate me for it, that’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“You’re _supposed_ to be there for me.” She says, biting back tears, but not wanting to give him the satisfaction. “Instead, you stand here patronizing me and ripping into the man I care so deeply for.”

She meets Blake’s eyes when she says that, his small and encouraging smile enough to get her through the next few minutes.

“I want you off my property.” She adds, the anger she tried pushing away coming back with a vengeance, the embarrassment of having her Dad say those things to Blake’s face making her want to crawl in a hole and die. “Until you can respect me and the people closest to me, I don’t think you should come back.”

The words feel weird to speak out loud, her heart cracking a bit, though she also feels relief fill the places that need healing.

Her father looks at her disappointedly, walking back inside to get his jacket. Gwen continues to stand in her driveway, Blake’s gentle hand on her back keeping her from falling apart. It feels like hours before her father finally gets all his stuff together and gets into his car. She watches as he disappears off her property, suddenly left with only the embarrassment and sadness caused by her Dad’s words.

She looks down at the ground, unable to meet Blake’s eyes.

She walks back into her hallway, trying not to panic when she hears Blake follow her. In her disoriented state, she accidently knocks down multiple jackets when she tries to hang her own and she watches as Blake crouches down to pick them up from the floor.

She hurries out a thank you before crossing the living room in long strides, trying to steady her breathing as the reality of the situation sinks in.

“Hey.” Blake rasps, voice rough with emotion. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

The question is stupid, but she knows there’s not much else for him to ask.

She can’t get herself to look at him yet, her back staying turned to him. Her hands are shaking, her eyes brimming with tears. She wants to tell him to leave, not able to deal with any company, her embarrassment filling her so quickly she thinks she might collapse underneath it.

“I’m sorry.” She chokes out, tears spilling over her face finally.

“Gwen, listen to me, that wasn’t your fault.”

“He said horrible things.”

She hears him sigh softly, his footsteps coming a bit closer. He doesn’t touch her, she doesn’t think he stands close enough for that to be a possibility either, and for the first time she’s grateful for that. She doesn’t think she can handle his touch without completely breaking down this time.

“I don’t care about that right now.” He says softly. “I care about you, Gwen. I care about how you’re feeling. Let me help.”

She shakes her head, pushing back her emotions as they overtake her.

“You can’t.”

“Look at me.”

She presses her lips together tightly, opening her mouth to say something but all that comes out is air. She loves Blake, the thought of him believing any of the things her Dad just said scaring her more than she’s capable of admitting.

“You should leave, Blake. I’m a mess right now and you don’t deserve this.” She shudders out a few empty breathes. “That was horrible and you should run far away from this place, from me.”

“Gwen.”

He says her name so gently, so softly and her heart breaks a little at the sound. A sob escapes the back of her throat, a fresh wave of tears staining her cheeks.

“Look at me.” He demands again, his voice patient.

Her hand covering her lips does very little to disguise the steady sobs that spill past her lips now. Maybe it’s the crumbling of her control, but she eventually turns around, keeping her gaze aimed at the floor.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers.

She nearly jerks at the feeling of his hand on her cheek, her body trying to turn away from him again. He adjusts his grip on her slightly, his free hand holding on to her shoulder while the hand on her cheek forces her face up to him.

Her vision is clouded by tears, but she can still make out Blake’s caring expression.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He drawls lowly, his thumb whisking away another tear from her face. “You’re not him, okay? You’re not your Dad, you could never be.”

“I used to listen to him.”

“He’s your father, of course you’re gonna try to understand where he’s coming from.”

She bites the inside of her cheek. “I don’t want….I never wanted what he wanted for me.”

“What do you want for yourself?” He asks softly.

“I want something that makes me believe in magic again. Makes me believe in miracles and destiny. I love hard and I want to be loved like that in return. I don’t want to be made to feel like that makes me stupid or naïve. I just…I don’t want to believe in his version of love.”

“Sounds to me like you don’t.”

“Yet, I can’t seem to obtain it. So what does that tell you?”

Her breathing hitches when he grabs her hand, caressing the soft skin on the back of her hand with his thumb.

She breaks their gaze again, looking down at her feet.

Blake notices the disruption in eye contact and immediately draws attention to it

“Don’t look away from me, Gwen. Stay with me.” He instructs gently, his determination drawing her head back up.

“Blake—“

“You don’t have to hold it in anymore, Gwen. I wasn’t there for you the last time you broke down, but I’m here for you now. I’m not going anywhere.”

Though his words sound incredibly appealing, she can’t allow herself to bask in them. She remembers why she stopped talking to him in the first place, trying to create some distance between them again.

“Stop.” She whispers, starting to push him away softly.

Her efforts are futile as he only tightens his grip on her hand.

“Shhh.” He calms her, stepping closer. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” She says louder. “It’s not fine at all. None of this is fine. My own Dad thinks I’m the biggest failure and you know what, the fact that I’m standing here with a man who could never be mine and probably doesn’t even _want_ to be, doesn’t really make me feel like he’s wrong.”

“He is.” Blake argues, his voice calm though his expression grows a bit more desperate. “He is _so_ wrong.”

“Let go of me.” She whispers brokenly instead, even when it’s the last thing she wants. “ _Let go_.” She whispers again. “Let me, _damnit Blake,_ let go.” Her words come out in between short gasps and broken breaths.

His grip on her hand loosens, but before she can get anywhere, his arm reaches around her back and presses her forward gently. The slight encouragement is enough to beckon her forward completely and the moment her forehead hits his chest, all her resolve crumbles.

A raw and painful sound escapes her lips and a string of sobs follow. She’s mortified to be letting her frustration and pain flow out like this, but she’s helpless to stop it. Her hands hold on to the front of Blake’s shirt, holding it between tight fists. His breath on the crown of her head feels hot as he whispers soothing words against her hair. He holds her so tightly, she feels like it’s the only thing keeping her from breaking. She cries until she feels her throat get sore, the violent shaking of her body gradually becoming less.

At some point, he’d taken her to the couch.

His hard chest is against her clothed back, both of his hands almost possessively holding on to her waist. Despite the tight hold he has on her, she can tell his concern and care for her in this moment are nothing but gentle.

If she weren’t still picking up the pieces of her emotional breakdown, she might not have let him hold her for this long. The moment is far extending the consolation he started doing earlier, as now they’re just two people enjoying each other’s proximity. It’s been too long since she’s felt him this close and her body automatically melts into him.

“I’m sorry.” He says suddenly, her eyes tearing up once more.

She’s not quite sure what he’s apologizing for—the mess they made for themselves, leaving a long list of options.

She swallows, trying desperately to suppress the forming lump in her throat. Then as if he had heard the question swirling around in her head, he answers her.

“For everything.”

Nothing about this situation was fair and though she made her share of mistakes too, it was good to hear him take some responsibility for his own. Her eyes open, yet her mouth remains quiet.

She leans into his chest further, inhaling deeply while trying to get rid of the tears still brimming in her eyes.

She can feel his lips graze her ear softly when he speaks.

“What can I do for you, Gwen?” He whispers.

She melts against him, relaxing in his hold while allowing him to feel her up a little. He doesn’t take it too far, never strays his hands to places other than her sides.

“I don’t know…” She whispers, her head leaning against his shoulder, his lips slowly trailing down the side of her neck. “Blake, we shouldn’t.”

She notices how he shifts away only a little bit, making sure his hips are backed away from her backside. She can only imagine why, and it’s almost confusing how he’s determined on keeping that truth hidden from her while his hands and lips make such a confident claim on her body.

“I should’ve come to see you sooner.” He replies instead, ignoring her weak protest.

His lips continue to press kisses along her neck and shoulders, his hands keeping her in place between his legs. His arm snakes around her stomach, pulling her closer into him, no longer hiding the proof of his arousal.

She doesn’t miss a beat, she uses her whole body to move out of his grip and off the couch. Her body misses his touch instantly, but luckily her mind still possesses enough reason to put a stop to this before it goes too far.

She spins around to face him.

“Don’t.” She says with irritation, yanking her top down angrily.

“Don’t what?” He asks defensively, obviously shocked at the sudden 180.

“You think you can just show up here on my doorstep, tell me you’re sorry…” She pauses while looking him dead in the eye. “…And then fuck me?”

Her unsubtle words are out before she can stop them.

His expression drops. “Gwen.”

Her insides twist at the tone in which he just spoke her name, feeling like he had no right to use that with her—not anymore.

“You made your choice when you didn’t come back, when you stopped fighting for me. For us.” She wants to tell him how she’d started to come to terms with having to get over him again, but she won’t give him the satisfaction. Not if she has to watch him walk away from her again, witness him go home to the girl who’s haunted her dreams for months now. “And now you turn up here out of the blue, because what, you fucking _missed_ me?”

He watches her with a pained expression before he responds.

“Do you think I’m just here on a whim?” He says to her slowly. “I made many mistakes, Gwen, I can admit to that. I didn’t do the right thing, I can see that now.”

She looks at him with glassy eyes, unable to produce any words as she stands awkwardly in front of him.

He continues. “What do you want me to say? You want me to admit that I’ve been trying to make things right with Gabby, but all I could think about was you, and how you were holding up? Or do you wanna hear about how I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks, because everytime I close my eyes, it’s not Gabby that I see?”

“Blake…” She warns, but her caution is once again ignored.

“You came back into my life and you just….you messed me up, Gwen.”

“That’s not my fault.” She whispers, feeling herself getting angry again. “You can’t put that on me….like I wanted this to happen.”

He stands up from the couch then, standing in front of her.

“But you did. We both did.”

She shakes her head.

“Not like this. I never meant to come between you and…” Her voice trails off, unable to say her name at the moment. “I wanted you, yes. But I wanted you to come back to me, I wanted you to realize I was worth the fight and I wanted you to pick me. I never wanted to be your back up plan. I never wanted to hurt someone else.”

“Gwen.” He utters lowly, drawing her to him like a moth to a flame.

Her hand falls to his shoulder and his finds her jaw, wide palm cupping the sharp line of bone. Soft fingers spread across her cheek as their lips meet.

She feels the emotion crash into him by the way his hand slightly trembles against her face as he continues to kiss her gently. She pulls him closer by his neck, using his surprise as an opportunity to pull his lower lip between hers.

She feels the tears she’d been holding back spill down the sides of her cheek as their kisses pick up intensity. Her stomach feels like it’s in her throat as she does everything in her power not to sob in his mouth.

His hand that’s framing her cheek must be feeling the residue from her eyes, even she could taste the salt of her tears that slipped in between their lips, but he doesn’t seem fazed by it. He’s in no hurry to release her and it fuels her to push herself more firmly into him.

She is done fighting it. Her tongue slides into his mouth and he moans at her sudden determination. She lets her arms snake around his neck, pressing her body firmer into his. Her breast push against his chest as her body grows desperate for him to touch her.

His hands remain stubbornly in her hair.

He softly cups the side of her face again, leaving her lips in an instant which causes her to whimper in frustration. She’s still panting, her chest rising with each rapid intake of breath. He’s holding her just far enough away so their lips aren’t touching anymore.

His soft grip on her cheek remains as his ragged breath heats her face.

His deep blues keep her captive, his eyes dipping to her swollen lips for a short moment before returning to her gaze. As he makes a motion to speak, her stomach twirls at the possibility of what he’s about to say to her.

“I’ve made you feel unimportant.” He whispers against her face, his breath continuously hitting her lips and she can do nothing but swallow roughly at it. “Not intentionally, but I did. I lied to myself, Gwen. I lied when I told myself I could forget about you, or that I even wanted to. The truth is, I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to look back in thirty years and realize I let go of the biggest blessing in my life. None of this is new, I’ve always felt this way.”

Her eyes widen and she nearly chokes on the air she suddenly can’t inhale. He pre-emoted her response, because his grip on her tightens before she can even think of wrenching away from him.

“You can’t say these things, not when—“

“I’m gonna leave her.” He interrupts her, the resistance in her body coming to an immediate halt.

She was shaking now, feeling raw, licking her lips while trying to ignore the fact that she could still taste him on her.

“It’s why I came here in the first place.” He keeps going, his voice nothing but a low and steady drawl. “I wanted to tell you first, so you knew I didn’t just come here because I was feeling lonely. I want you, Gwen. I’ve always wanted you. Only you.”

Her tears had just dried, but fresh one spill over her face again. The back of his hand pushes her head forward again, his lips softly gracing hers.

“I’m so sorry.” He murmurs against her mouth.

She shudders out a weak breath, pulling away slightly.

“I needed you.” She whispers, tears continuing to fall as her hands struggle to figure out if she wants to pull him closer or push him away.

“I needed you too.”

His arms keep her from going too far, keeping her trapped against his body.

“I was there.” Gwen argues softly.

“Not when it mattered.” He counters, smoothing his words over with another kiss.

Her hands rise to his face pulling him closer to her, deeper into her mouth. Their tongues touch and she nearly jerks at the contact, at the raw wave of arousal flooding through her body. They both know her kiss is both an apology and straight result of her desperation.

“When?” She whimpers, and they both know she’s asking when he’s leaving his girlfriend. She’s glad she doesn’t have to spell it out for him.

“Tonight.”

She pulls back to see the look in his eyes, shocked at the sudden unabashed determination pooling there. His arms press tighter against her back and his tongue delves back into her mouth, coaxing hers to slowly play with his.

They’ve never kissed like this. She doesn’t think she’s ever kissed like this before.

They’re not kissing to mark, or punish. Instead they’re kissing to officially get the taste of each other memorized in their brains, their mouths acquainted with every inch. He teases her slowly but never leaves her hanging and each time she opens her mouth in a gasp, his tongue is there. She can barely breathe, the desperation in her body actually hurting, but nothing would hurt more than pulling away now.

“You can’t change your mind.” She says, her heart beating so fast she feels like it’s gonna explode out of her chest. “I won’t be able to take that.”

“I won’t.” He pulls back to look at her, his hands still cupping the sides of her face. “I’m not going anywhere. I wanna fight for this, Gwen. Do you?”

“We still need to talk about things.”

“I know.”

“None of this will be easy.”

“You’re right.”

It’s been a while since she’s seen this version of Blake. The one that’s overly secure in himself, in _her_. It reminds her of the man she saw walking onto her property that very first day and she suddenly can’t go another second without his mouth on hers again.

“Kiss me again.” She demands.

His mouth devours hers immediately and his hands wind its way into her soft hair, cupping the back of her neck. Gwen moans at the feel of his broad chest underneath her palms, and she doesn’t even know when her hands had slid up his chest, but she can’t help but hum against his mouth appreciatively.

“You mean it about tonight?” She asks against his lips. “About leaving her?”

Blake nods, swallowing her soft whimper.

“I wouldn’t lie to you about that.” He says, keeping her close and brushing his lips softly over hers. “I….I wanna tell you about some things. Later. I’ll tell you about it all because you deserve to hear it, but right now I can only focus on this..” He kisses her again and she closes her eyes in pure delight. “I missed you so goddamn much.”

She won’t push him to talk now, especially when it feels this good not to. There’s so much they’ll still need to talk about, but for now, she can find every single answer in his soft lips.

Gwen touches his face, over the black and grey stubble growing on his upper lip and jawline. The tips of her fingers continue to trace the gorgeous face against her.

She always loved to kiss, but there had never been such a selflessness to it. She had always known kissing to be the prerequisite to sex, something that you did to get to the next part. Standing here in her living room, pressed against Blake, she feels like she’d be perfectly content doing this for the rest of her life. The intimacy of his tongue sliding against hers and the rough stubble against her chin was completely foreign to her with anyone else.

“This doesn’t feel wrong to you, does it?” She asks suddenly, her breathing coming out uneven against his face.

“It’s the one thing that’s always felt right.”

She shakes her head. “We can’t have sex.”

“We don’t have to—Gwen, I didn’t come here for that.” He says, and though their current position doesn’t help to prove his case, she believes him.

“Tonight.” She whispers.

His brow furrows. “Tonight, what?”

“After you break things off with her.” She says softly, cupping his face between her two hands, kissing him again. “Come back here.”

“ _Gwen_.” He whispers against her mouth in disbelief.

“Even if we don’t have sex….” She draws in a sharp breath while nibbling at his bottom lip. “We can just talk…or sleep. I just want you here.”

“Baby, are you sure?”

She nods. “Don’t make me beg you, Blake.”

He’s walking her backwards slowly, gently pushing her against the wall. His hand lifts her face up to his, his finger tracing the outline of her lip. The move is both delicate and rough, his body hovering over her.

“You don’t ever have to beg me for my love, Gwen.” He says, surprising her by not kissing her afterwards. “Never again.”

“I’m still scared.” She admits.

“I am too.” He counters softly. “It’s gonna take time. I know that.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like I could never love you.” She whispers. “I’m sorry I made you feel like my father’s words were my own.”

The passion she sees in his dark blue eyes makes it hard for her to contain herself, but seeing her message land with him means so much more than the physical lust she feels pushing at her insides.

The crisp cotton of his shirt feels good between her hands, and it would be so easy to slide her finger up to his buttons and undo them. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t undress or draws the fabric off his way too enticing frame.

Later.

“I love you.”

This time when she says it back, there’s no guilt tearing at her heart.

Just love.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day <3

The sound of him knocking on her door rattles her entire body.

Her slender fingers wrap around the doorknob. Her heart thumbs violently against her chest at the sight of him leaning against her doorframe. He’s dressed in his blue jeans and plaid shirt from earlier, his hair dishevelled looking as if he ran his fingers through it an unreasonable amount of times. His face betrays just how draining the night had been, but there’s a hint of relief in his posture.

She steps aside to let him in, his arm reaching out for her and pulling her into him right away.

He holds on to her, his head lowering into her hair and she wraps both arms around him as best as she can. She can tell he needs this, his resolve a crumbled mess at their feet and she feels him exhale a shaky breath against her hair when her fingers run down his spine soothingly. She presses a soft kiss right above his heart.

His embrace is warm, his big arms feeling protective in the way they wrap around her small body. The rest of the world melts away as she squeezes him back, nothing else mattering but this.

Though he doesn’t cry, she can feel his emotions overtake him largely. This is no longer just them hugging in the hallway, doesn’t think it ever was to begin with—this is Blake fighting for what he wants and letting go of his past. This is Blake realizing he’s home while silently cursing all that he lost on his road to get here.

She can do nothing but hold him in return, staying quiet as he makes good with everything that’s wrong, everything that hurts. Lord knows she’s had to do a bunch of that in the months she went without him.

He pulls away from her slowly after a few minutes, not straying far though. His arms are still around her and she softly utters the idea of sitting down and getting comfortable.

They walk into the living room while Gwen picks up a disregarded blanket from the floor, that must’ve fallen when she rushed up from the couch to open the door for him.

“You want something to drink?” She asks softly.

He clears his throat. “No, I’m good darlin’.”

She smiles softly, reaching her hand out to him and tugging him towards the couch when he takes it. They sit down together and she snuggles up to his side, careful not to smother him. Her hand rest on his chest, her legs propped up onto the couch while her shoulder leans into him gently. His arm wraps around her soundly and she smiles when she realizes her closeness is appreciated.

“You wanna talk about it?”

His fingers rub against her arm softly, his face turning to look at her.

“She knew it was coming.” He says. “Still, I never meant to hurt her like this.”

She grimaces. “You’re not that kind of person.”

He chuckles softly, continuing to rub her arm gently. She realizes he’s not even aware he’s doing it and there’s something so incredibly endearing about him needing the soft touch to calm himself down.

“There was something she said tonight that stood out to me, though..”

“What was that?” Gwen asks gently.

“She said she couldn’t believe she invested this much in me to lose it to someone else. She said that was gonna be the only thing that would keep her up at night.”

Gwen scoffs. “She’s hurt, she was just lashing out.”

Blake shakes his head.

She knows him well enough to know there’s something pressing at his heart, that desperately wants to find its release. She holds on to him a little tighter to let him know it’s okay—whatever it is, she can handle it—more importantly, _he_ can.

“She said it before. Quite often, actually. I just never believed she really felt like that.” He says softly, breaking their gaze. “But the look in her eyes as she said it tonight….she wasn’t lying, Gwen.”

She looks up at him through her lashes, her head leaning on his shoulder since he stopped looking at her.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t think she ever loved me.” He muses roughly. “I think it was always about something else for her.”

“Like what?”

“Power. Control.”

Gwen shakes her head, the new information genuinely making no sense.

“If that’s really how you felt, why did you stay so long?”

He looks down at her, a soft and sad smile on his lips.

“Because by the time I realized it, you had come back into my life.” Her breath hitches, surprise written all over her face as he continues. “I did her so wrong and instead of just facing that and leaving, I thought I could overlook her wrongdoings, like that somehow would make me a better man.”

“ _Blake_.”

“I know you think I stayed with her to punish you, Gwen. Or because you thought my love for you wasn’t real, but that’s just not true. It never has been true.”

Gwen nods, hesitating before speaking again.

“Loving me was scarier than the thought of losing me.”

“You not loving me was scarier than the thought of _her_ not loving me.”

She didn’t expect those words to come out of his mouth. She stares at him for several seconds, before gliding fingers down his cheek. She shivers at the coldness of his skin.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispers, guiding her hand down to hold his.

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” He says lowly. “I know you’re scared and I know we’re both unclear on how to go from here, but I know what I want. I just want you to feel the same way.”

“I do.” She whispers. “But I don’t do casual, Blake. I’m not the type of girl to sleep with you and not want something more to come out of that.”

“If I wanted something casual, I’d find some random girl to fuck. I wouldn’t have come back here, I wouldn’t have told you I wanted to fight for us.”

She gasps at his honest words.

“I just want to be sure that we’re on the same page.”

She sits up a bit straighter, in favour of looking Blake directly into his eyes.

His hand tucks a strand of hair away, lingering against the shell of her ear. 

“What about Dan?”

Her chest feels heavy suddenly, not expecting Blake to bring him up. But she knows it’s not an unfair question to ask after all they’ve been through.

“Like I said before, we’re just friends.”

“Who sleep together.”

“ _Slept_.” She corrects him. “That’s over now.”

He eyes her intensely.

“We decided not to see each other outside of work again.” She says softly. “He knew I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him. I couldn’t keep that up, it just felt like what we were doing was going against who I was.”

“Cause you don’t do casual.” Blake adds.

“Yeah.”

“I know I don’t have the right to doubt you after…” He shakes his head, his admission clear. “I trust you.”

Her eyes become watery, and he uses the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the tears that escape onto her face. His words lift a weight off her shoulders she didn’t know she was holding.

“There’s no one else I want.” She chokes out.

He moves forward, brushing his lips with hers again. When he tries to close the space completely she looks at him deeply. He slightly nods his head and his mouth opens under hers. A groan comes from deep inside his chest once she kisses him back and there’s nothing but sheer electricity coursing through her veins.

As much as she wants to make out with him like they did earlier, this time she doesn’t think she can wait with having him in her bed.

They’ve had sex a few times, but never once in her bedroom. It’s always been frantic, messy and painful. She can hardly describe how badly she wants the opposite now.

“Blake…” She murmurs wetly against his mouth. “Let’s go upstairs.”

His thumb parts her lips. “I love you so much.”

His thick and gravelly tone of voice has her stifling a moan.

“Then show me.”

The sparkle in his eyes is enough to make her feel beyond confident about what’s about to happen. He stands up slowly and she follows his lead quickly.

He walks closer to her, bending down and grabbing her thighs, hauling her up onto him. His strength in these moments had always turned her on greatly and tonight proves to be no exception. She wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, for the first time feeling like they have a genuine chance at finding true happiness with each other.

\--

“You are so fucking beautiful, Gwen.”

She smiles while feeling her eyes wetting at the compliment. It’s not like she’s never heard it before, but she’s never heard it sound like _that_. She never knew she could feel this much with a man and it had her holding on to him even tighter.

She had been feeling like she was lacking something ever since her ex-husband infidelities started slapping her in the face. Then some more when she lost Blake and couldn’t seem to compete with everybody else. She knows deep down she’s a good person, but a desirable one? A beautiful one? She hadn’t felt like either one over the years. But the way Blake drives into her so slow and deep, his sweet words accompanying his thrusts, she actually _feels_ beautiful.

Blake groans while pushing forward, an arm wrapped around her back. Gwen muffles her screams in his shoulder, holding on to him.

They rock together slowly, before Blake picks up speed out of nowhere and catches every single one of her gasps with his mouth. It’s never been this good, this deliciously painful.

He’s withdrawn his hand from her back, only to steady one of them against her headboard, giving himself more leverage. His thrusting is relentless, his mouth never once giving her a break as he demands kisses from her throughout it all.

Gwen couldn’t help but dig her nails into the naked skin of his back, causing a deep groan to rise from his throat. He kisses her roughly, all teeth and tongues battling for dominance. The tender moment is lost as they lose themselves into each other. He finally pulls back from her mouth and she whimpers regretfully into the air between them. His hips snap into her impatiently, wanting nothing more than to see her fall apart.

“Don’t stop… _fuck_ … kiss me. I swear to God if you don’t kiss me right now—“

He moves forward again to catch her mouth in another scorching kiss, the movement causing Gwen to bend her leg backwards. She moans at the dirty move, smiling against his lips when she watches his eyes darken with arousal.

He cups the side of her face while continuing to push and pull, filling her completely, and Gwen’s hand comes to rest over his as she pants out her pleasure. She’s close, and she can barely contain the sounds coming out of her mouth. Blake blindly grasps for both her hands, stretching them above her head and tangling their fingers together. He clutches them tightly as he drives into her faster, encouraging her when her body starts jerking and writhing underneath him.

“Come on baby.” He grunts. “Let go.”

Her eyes roll back into her head as he snaps his hips into her ferociously, coming with a shout. She had a string of curses on her tongue but all that comes out is a breathy version of his name. He slams into her four more times, seeking his own release in the gorgeous woman beneath him.

“Jesus fuck.” He exclaims while falling apart on top of her, her soft and gentle mumblings and encouragements bringing him back down eventually.

He slips out of her a few moments later, lying flat on his back. His arms welcome her immediately, and she curls her body on his chest while resting her head in the crook of his neck.

Up until this point, all their sexual experiences together had ended with one of them leaving, mostly Blake. She’s not prepared for how good it feels to finally get to lay in his arms afterwards, basking in the pleasure and extending it by enjoying his closeness some more.

He looks down at her and kisses her lips again softly. She lingers there simply for the pure taste of him.

“You have a nice bedroom.” He says lowly, his voice sounding rough and thoroughly fucked out.

She laughs against his lips before breaking their lazy trail of kisses.

“That’s the first thing you tell me after making love to me in my bed for the first time?”

Blake shrugs, a wide grin on his face.

“I don’t wanna be like everybody else.”

“You told me I was beautiful at least twenty times while being in here.”

His tongue wets his lips before manhandling her underneath him again, muffling her squeaks and giggles with his mouth.

“You _are_ beautiful, though. Want me to lie to you?”

She kisses him instead of answering him verbally, the touch and taste of his lips way too addictive to be doing anything else.

He pulls away, and down her naked body slowly.

“Cause I can do that too….” He grins, kissing her toned stomach. “I can tell you you’re definitely _not_ the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Or the sexiest…”

“Blake.” She grits out, already in torture.

“….Or that you don’t taste the absolute sweetest.” He licks and sucks at her inner thigh, quickly darting his tongue out to taste her folds. It’s only a tease though, because he’s moving back up her body right after. “And how I absolutely _don’t_ want to fuck you again right now.”

“Jesus Christ, do it already.”

“Yeah, baby.” He mumbles against her lips.

Gwen is still wet and soaking the sheets by the time Blake has himself settled, pressing the tip of his length inside her. They both groan as he slowly bottoms out.

“Just lay back, pretty girl. Let me make you feel good.”

His sweet words are the only gentle move he makes, before he’s snapping his hip in and out at a fast pace. She tries to keep up with his kisses, but she pulls away as she’s short on breath by the way he works her body so mercilessly. Nothing has ever felt better than the feeling of his quick thrusts and his hand stroking through her hair before getting a good grip.

She can do nothing but say his name like a prayer, rocking back onto his cock. She screams when he finds that spot deep inside her, her jaw going slack with pleasure.

He fucks her through it, slow and deep.

Her legs start shaking and her moans and whimpers get louder with each one of his thrusts. She tries to hold on to anything, the sheets, the headboard, his shoulders. He kisses down her neck while keeping his intense pace. He eventually rests his cheek against hers, feeling the dampness of their skin rubbing together.

“I love you.” He repeats against the curve of her neck, biting bruises into the soft skin.

She can tell he feels liberated by the fact he can tell her now without feeling guilty. The words continue to make her feel emotional and she feels herself coming undone around him at the sound of the three words being whispered against her skin.

“I love you too, Blake. _Oh my god_ —“ Her voice breaks as she comes, spilling over Blake and the sheets. She can feel his control breaking at the same time, his lips covering the soft skin of her mouth and opening them with a sweep of his tongue.

She doesn’t know how something so dirty can feel so emotional.

Nothing has ever been as erotically charged as being around Blake.

She feels his body shake with the force of his orgasm, spilling inside her again. He holds her close throughout it, occasionally planting kisses on her while evening out their breathing.

“You’re not allowed to leave this bed for the next few days.” She whispers once he’s lying on his back, pressing her tired and content body against his side.

He smiles.

“I don’t know how much my clients will like that.”

Her hand trails down his chest suggestively.

“I’ll compensate you, don’t worry.”

He snorts. “Not gonna happen, babe. Not for at least another ten minutes.”

“Alright old man.”

“Do I have to remind you of who the older one is here in this relationship?”

The use of the word relationship throws her off for a minute, but it soon gets drawn out by the giddy feeling of happiness surrounding her heart. Her silence must’ve freaked Blake out, because he turns his head to look at her a bit panicked.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

“I like it.” She cuts him off, smiling.

“You do?”

She nods. “Not you calling me old, but the other thing? _Yeah_.”

He smiles and kisses her tenderly.

“We’ll figure out a way to make this work.” He speaks confidently against her lips. “I genuinely believe that. You know that, right?”

She curls into the cradle of his warm and sated body.

“You’ve said that from the start.”

“And I meant it. I won’t ever let myself doubt it again.”

“I love you, Blake.”

She knows they’re both tired and desperately in need of sleep. She also know they won’t stay cuddled up together for long until their soft breathes turn into sweet pleas and whimpers again. It’s been in their minds for too long, this moment, this revelling in their togetherness and she never wants it to end.

She presses her lips against his neck, not in a sexual way, merely a way to express her love for him in this moment. He presses her into him a bit more and she sighs contentedly. She holds onto the blissful almost-wakefulness for just a moment longer before tilting her head up and reaching up to guide his lips to hers.

They’re insatiable.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more fluff and romance ;)

Gwen can’t help but feel distracted even when their food gets there. Blake has opted for a pizza while she got the penne pasta to gently stab her fork in. Her eyes continue to grace his face, his body, it still feeling surreal to finally be here with him. She’s surprised when he holds out a piece of his slice to her, offering a taste. She smirks before leaning forward and taking a small bite, the restaurant certainly living up to its name.

“That’s really good.” She murmurs, licking her lips to savour even more of the taste.

He eyes her own plate.

“Is yours not?”

She follows his line of sight and smiles sweetly before shaking her head.

“It is. I’m just a little distracted, sorry.”

She picks up her fork and gets a bit of pasta on there, though still wandering a bit aimlessly around her plate.

“Are you okay?”

His tone of voice snaps her out of her daze, wanting nothing less than to have him worry about the state of their relationship already.

“Yeah I’m good.” She smiles, finding his hand underneath the table and squeezing it. “I just can’t believe we’re finally doing this.”

“ _This_ being a relationships or going on an actual date?” He asks.

“Both.”

Blake nods. “It’s been a long time coming.”

“It has been...” Gwen muses softly, feeling herself tear up at the thought of how much it took for them to get here.

Blake seems to sense the shift in mood and gently distracts her.

“Why this place?” He asks, looking around and settling his gaze on her lastly.

“You don’t like it?” She asks panicked, eyes widening in a bit of shock.

“No, no baby, I love it.” He reassures her, his hand still holding on to hers. “You were just so adamant about going here of all places, I just thought there might’ve been a reason.”

Gwen’s chest deflates again, the tension sliding away rapidly.

“You once mentioned you liked Italian food and I wanted to pick a place that would feel right to the both of us. I also figured it’d be good for us to fly under the radar while we navigate this new thing and this place has always been very low key.”

He looks at her with a certain look that makes her nervous, but at the same time it takes no rocket scientist to see the adoration in his depths as well.

“Are you nervous about this coming out?” He asks. “Our relationship?”

“Not cause I’m embarrassed.” She answers quickly, not wanting that thought in his mind again. Never again. “I just know it’s gonna be a lot. I just hope we get to become more familiar with our relationship before the whole world does too. I think we deserve that much.”

The universe tried to strike them down, but they came back with a vengeance. She wants to protect that.

“I’m in no rush to declare our relationship to the world either.” Blake speaks slowly. “But if it happens, it happens. I’m not scared of people’s reactions. I’ve been waiting for this too damn long to let anything ruin this.”

Gwen smiles. “I know you mean that. I just—you’re gonna be shocked at how overwhelming it is and I want to protect you from that as long as I can.”

His hand covers the one that’s currently scooping up more pasta with her fork, the cutlery lowered onto her plate. She looks at him surprised, his other hand beckoning her towards him.

“Blake..” She whispers, looking around her before scooting even closer to him.

Their booth doesn’t leave them with a whole lot of space and if she tried getting any closer, she’d literally be on his lap. He doesn’t seem to mind the closeness, as it’s pretty much what he demanded. His arm comes around her back, his attention completely focused on her.

“I appreciate you’re looking out for me sweetheart.” He coos softly against her, his hand cupping the side of her face. “But I don’t need you to protect me from the outside world. I can handle them.”

“The media can be ruthless and—“

“—It won’t be as ruthless as not having you in my life.”

“Sometimes it can make you feel trapped, makes you wanna do things you wouldn’t do otherwise.”

Blake’s brow raises. “I think that’s just an excuse.”

“I’ve seen it happen, Blake. I’m under even more scrutiny now than I was back then, more people are paying attention.”

“Sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.”

“It’s important to be said.” She retorts. “You need to know _exactly_ what you’re in for if we want this to work out.”

She can feel inevitable tears starting to pierce her eyes at the thought of her previous relationship and the lasting insecurities those left on her psyche.

“The media isn’t what made him cheat on you, Gwen.” He says pointedly, tired of walking around the actual reason she’s freaking out. “Your job isn’t what drove him away. He did that himself.”

She feels the words deep in her gut, but she know he’s right—and that’s a huge moment for her in its own.

“Gimme a kiss.” She whispers shyly.

He smiles before leaning down and pecking her lips sweetly. She wishes she could tell him to never stop kissing her, to never stop holding her this close, but she knows they’re in public and so she settles for the sweet kiss they just shared.

“I really hope your other clients aren’t getting this kind of treatment.” She winks at him while laughing softly under her breath.

“Gwen.”

She bites her lip. “I was joking.”

“You do know you’re the only person I’ve ever worked for that I actually crossed that line with, right?”

She feels bad for letting her insecurities come out in that way, and she’s almost a bit embarrassed by how easy it seems for Blake to see right through her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything. I just…”

“You’re scared, I get it.”

“I’m not used to this…” She gestures with her hand. “I really don’t want this to go wrong again. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“We’ve never been here before though, Gwen.” He speaks confidently, yet gently. “Timing has never been this right for us, we’ve never gotten a fair chance to make this work—until now.”

“I’m just scared for reality to kick in again, I guess.” She whispers.

“This _is_ reality.” He smiles, kissing her lips again. “This is real life, Gwen. We’re real, therefore there’s no reason we can’t make this work.”

She looks at him adoringly, rubbing his hand with her thumb.

“Do we need to change your name to Philosopher Blake?” She teases, though the sincere emotion pooling in her eyes betrays how much his words meant just now.

He smirks. “I am a great teacher, if I do say so myself.”

“Really?”

“ _Mhhmmm_.” He affirms, holding her close.

“I didn’t know.” She winks up at him.

“There’s still some things you have to discover about me.”

“I’m very much looking forward to that.”

She wants him to kiss her again and she almost pouts when he doesn’t. He takes another bite of his pizza and she’s reminded of their food getting cold in front of them. She finds it hard to focus on anything else when Blake’s around, it seems.

They chat and eat a bit more, ordering one last round of drinks before Blake gets the check. She told him it was fine and that she could totally get this one, but he had only looked at her with a look of dismay before brushing her off.

The drive back to her place is quiet but she’s feeling content. Blake had picked her up in his car, though he had no idea where they were going. It’s nice to not have to drive back and she accordingly indulged in a few glasses of wine because of it. Tonight had been perfect, even better than expected. She knows they still have a lot to work out, and sometimes that causes her brain to make up worst-case scenarios. Blake had shown her he’s totally in this with her, and with every minute they spent talking tonight, her nerves and worries dissipated. It’s good to feel like she’s finally being met halfway—being on the same page with her lover had been foreign to her for the last twenty years. She didn’t know how much she needed and missed this, until she experienced it again. Blake brings hope back into her heart with every look he sends her way, every genuine word he speaks to her. She’s gonna allow herself to believe that they can make this work and last. It’s the least they deserve.

\--

“God, I’m so tired but at the same time….I’m feeling super energized. Like, what are you doing to me cowboy?”

She’s walking up her patio, Blake’s arm slid across her lower back as he follows her lead.

He looks down at her sweetly, chuckling. “I think you might be giving me too much credit.”

“I’m so not.” She counters, leaning into him. “I haven’t given you enough of it.”

“You’re still going out with me—that’s giving me credit enough, darlin’.”

Though his words are sweet and considerate, she hates the underlying implications of that statement. Standing still in front of her door, she turns into him and places both hands on his waist.

“I’m super lucky to have you in my life, Blake. I know you were just being sweet, but please don’t believe what you just said.”

“Sweetheart…”

“It’s just, I would really hate it if you felt like me going out with you is some sort of miracle, like you’re dating outside of your league. Honestly, I still kinda can’t believe you came back for me.”

He moves his hand up to her face, his fingers tipping up her chin. “I love you. Everything about you, Gwen, I want it.”

“You’ve got me.”

The smile that tears up his face at her words makes her feel a bunch of things; love and adoration tugging at her heart.

She pulls back reluctantly, hating whenever she has to go without his touch. She grabs her keys from her side pocket and unlocks the door, looking over her shoulder as a silent invitation for him to come in and follow her.

She’s one feet inside the house when she realizes Blake _isn’t_ following her. She turns around, looking at him in puzzlement.

“Blake?” She asks softly, suddenly overwhelmed with nerves and anxiety. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, sweetheart.” He says lowly, his expression still soft and caring. He looks at her quietly before speaking his next words. “I just don’t think I should come in tonight.”

Her brows raise, disappointment filling her body quickly.

“Why?”

“Trust me, there’s nothing I want more than to be with you as much as I can. Getting an invitation inside your house --and it not being for business-- still electrifies me.”

“Then why are you shutting it down?” She whispers, hating how vulnerable she sounds.

They’ve just gotten to a better place and this evening has been amazing. She let herself fantasize about getting him home the minute they got into his car. His decision to back out now makes absolutely no sense to her.

“Baby….” He says sweetly, walking closer to her and grabbing her hand. “Nothing’s wrong, I promise you. I just…our whole relationship has been unorthodox from the start and I want to give you the experience you deserve. I don’t want to rush things, I don’t wanna just pick up where we left off. I want to start clean.”

His words confuse her, but she’s feeling more hopeful than she did at the beginning. She looks up at him still unclear about his intentions, shaking her head.

“Are you saying you don’t want to spend time at the house anymore?”

He shakes his head. “I’m saying that I want to do this right. I want to take you out on dates, I want to romance you, I want to make sure you’re not missing out on anything.”

His words bring actual tears to her eyes.

“We don’t have to—“

“Yes we do.” He interrupts her, his hand gracing the side of her face lovingly. “A few months ago, you told me that if I wanted you, I had to earn you. This is me _earning_ you, Gwen.”

She doesn’t know what to say. The thoughtfulness and kindness his words portray are exactly what attracted her to him in the first place. He always seemed to be different from what she was used to and here, standing in front of her on her doorstep, he proves that yet again.

There’s a small hint of guilt there, when he refers back to her earlier words. Though they’re not wrong, she doesn’t want him to feel like he doesn’t already deserve her.

“I can’t believe you remember that.” She whispers, whisking away a tear.

“Remember that?” He repeats, chuckling. “Darlin’, these are words I intend to live by.”

“Blake!”

She says the words in between squeaks, no longer willing to go without the feeling of his body against hers. His arms open for her immediately when he watches her approach him, her small body melting perfectly in the curve of his.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come in?” She says softly, speaking the words against his chest.

“No, I definitely _want_ to come in.” He replies. “But I won’t.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“Not for long.”

Her head whips up at him from where her body is still flushed against him.

“Why’d you say that?”

He smirks. “I wanna take you out on another date tomorrow.”

He appears to be full of surprises tonight and her mind feels like an actual puddle of mush when she tries to put it to use.

“You have something in mind?”

He bites his lip, rubbing her back gently. “Definitely. Don’t you even worry your pretty little head about it.”

She shakes her head, sliding her hands up his chest.

“Are you not even gonna give me a little hint?”

His grin is playful while he holds her close and it’s actual torture—she wants him so bad.

“Nope, not a single one.” He answers.

He laughs at her slight pout, leaning down and kissing her lips quickly.

“I can assure you it’s lowkey and you don’t have to worry about anyone following us or invading your privacy. Do you think you can be ready around seven, tomorrow?”

She grimaces, inhaling a sharp breath.

“I have to go in the office tomorrow night, but I can sneak away earlier. Is seven thirty okay?”

He smiles. “Seven thirty it is.”

“You’re way too good to me.” She murmurs.

“You’re talking nonsense, that’s what I know.”

She throws her head back laughing, continuing to hold on to him.

“I know we’re taking it slow, but I really wanna kiss you again.”

His brow raises, his hand sliding lower over the curve of her ass. “Oh now you’re starting to talk more sense, darlin’.”

She snorts, rising up on her tiptoes and sliding her arms around his neck.

“Why don’t we _stop_ talking?” She says suggestively, raising her brow.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Shhhh.” She giggles before planting her lips over his. She slides her hands into his hair, while his tongue slides deliciously into her mouth.

Blake pulls back when they both need some air, the lust in his eyes betraying just how hard this slowing down thing will be for the both of them. He leans in again, the next kiss they share much slower. It’s the lingering press of their lips slotted together in the most perfect of ways; tongues brushing together and getting tangled as they chase each other down.

Blake’s mouth trails along her jaw, down the side of her neck. She can feel the rapid thump of her heartbeat against her chest and she wonders if Blake can feel it too while he’s kissing on her pulse point. It’s torture to have him pressing her against her front door, knowing he won’t be coming in. Little sparks of pleasure shoot all the way down to her toes at the way Blake so delicately presses kisses to her face and lips. His hands hold onto her waist so softly yet determinedly, it makes her feel like she would let him do whatever he wanted to do to her.

“Blake.” Gwen sighs, sounding already breathless.

Blake kisses her until she’s breathless and dizzy, like a wire ready to snap. She kisses him back until she’s basically putty in his hands, a thin layer of sweat covering her brows. It’s never been like this; the almost spiritual connection whenever they’re close like this. She feels like her body is filled with tension, ready to snap at any moment, with just the right touch.

She knows Blake has the ability to take it further and make her lose her mind like she’s been dreaming about for hours, but she appreciates what he’s trying to do too much to ask him again.

He seems to remember his own words, pulling back slowly. His hand tucks away a strand of hair behind her ear before pressing one last kiss to her forehead.

“You should go inside, before both of us lose all control and mess this thing up before it even gets started.”

She bites her lip, knowing he’s right but really not wanting to leave him.

“You know, I kinda hate it when you’re right.”

Blake chuckles. “Those are rarities, don’t worry.”

“I had a really great time tonight.” She says softly, bringing the mood back to something a bit more serious while still trying to regain her normal breathing pattern.

“Me too, sweetheart.”

“Text me later?” She asks.

“You betcha.”

She smiles softly. “Goodnight, Blake.”

“Goodnight, pretty girl.”

She forces herself inside, closing the door when she watches Blake walk back towards his truck.

No, she didn’t expect the evening to end with them going back to separate homes, but she can hardly be upset about that when she thinks back to the words he spoke to her on her doorstep.

_This is me earning you._


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been a while. I'll try to update a bit more frequently, but don't hold me to it quite yet. Life is crazy at the moment and I can't always find the time to write. Here's a long chapter that hopefully makes up for a bit of delay!

“I’m just saying, it would be absolutely perfect.” Manny coos, his eyes practically two shiny stars as he thinks over the prospect.

“We’re talking about me becoming the face of Revlon, not my designs, not my clothes, _me_!”

“You’re a star now, Gwen.” Her partner explains, shrugging when he catches her making a sour expression with her face. “Whether you like it or not, people are not just interested in your clothes anymore. They are invested in you, they wanna see you.”

“I don’t know if I wanna be seen like that.”

Manny throws his hands up, hopelessly. 

“Isn’t this what we worked so tirelessly for? To get you to become the next fashion icon, a person who you couldn’t ignore even if you wanted to? You’re that person now, you’re in.”

“I’m not a... celebrity.” She says softly. “I’m a designer.”

“There’s no longer a difference.” Manny counters.

“There should be.”

Her friend looks at her intensely. “What are you really so afraid of?”

Gwen locks her gaze with his, thinking the question over. She’s living the life she’s always wanted, her fashion designs no longer just trends— they’re _staples_. Manny is right, you couldn’t disregard her works any longer, because the demand and quality didn’t lie. But she’s worked too hard for this to become a gimmick. It’s never been about fame and fortune for her; she just wanted to make clothes that made other people feel good and included. She wanted to create art in the most creative and selfless way she knew how. 

“I just feel like people connect with our works because they admire the work ethic, the drive. I never wanted to be a cover girl.” She says, pushing her tongue against her front teeth. “I want my work to speak for itself, without feeling like I’m whoring myself out for it.”

“Gwen, you’re totally seeing this wrong.” He argues.

“Maybe.” She concedes. “But people already have the wrong image of me in their heads. The last thing I want is for them to think I’m about to sell out.”

Her friend walks over to her desk, going through some files while she waits. Usually she wouldn’t appreciate the slight invasion of privacy as he digs through the contents of her work load, but she figures there’s gonna be a point somewhere along his silent searching.

He pulls at one particular file and puts it on top, smiling at her softly.

“This one.” He speaks. “You didn’t want to publish the design because you felt like it was too advanced, too personal, and too little about the people who’d eventually consume it. Turned out to become one of your most popular lines. Do me a favour and look through it again, and tell me that being yourself hasn’t worked for you.”

“ _Manny_..” She breathes.

“Being a cover girl for Revlon is quite possibly the most you thing you could do. You love fashion and you love make-up. You can try to humour the people in thinking you’re just this ordinary girl with small dreams who suddenly blew up, but that’s not you. You’re an extraordinary woman with big dreams who was always meant to expand her wings at some point. This is your moment, Gwen. Don’t let it go to waste.”

She’s used to her business partner being persuasive to say the least, but she finds herself a little speechless after his rant. It doesn’t seem like he’s waiting for a reply right away and she lets out a deep sigh when he walks out of her office and leaves her alone to think. 

She doesn’t know when her dreams started to live a life of its own, but she’s unprepared for how quick and persistent everything seems to go. There’s no real time to stand still and think her decisions over, she’s just running all the time. 

Her hand reaches for her phone in her purse slung over the edge of her chair. 

She’s got one unseen text from Blake, her lips curving upwards.

_I know you’re busy, just wanted to wish you good luck in the office today. Can’t wait to see you tonight._

She dials his number instead of texting him back, in desperate need of hearing his voice. The phone rings four times, and just when she’s about to come to terms with her disappointment and hang up, Blake’s voice cuts through the line.

“Hey there, pretty girl.”

The pet name still causes butterflies to erupt in her stomach, the same way it did when she first heard him utter it.

“I miss you.” She says gently, skipping formalities and leaning her back against the office chair. Her nails play with the seam of her skirt. 

“Miss you to, sweetheart. Everything okay?”

She wonders if he could hear the stress and anxiety in her voice just now and she’s pretty sure that he did— he always did know her the best. To much of her dismay at times.

“Yeah.” She breathes, before shaking her head. “Actually not really. I mean, they’re luxury problems, I shouldn’t even be complaining.”

“Luxury problems or not, something seems to be bothering you. Talk to me, baby.”

She smiles softly at his words, biting her lip.

“I just got asked to be Revlon’s new cover girl. The makeup line...” She begins to explain, but she’s cut off by his small chuckle.

“I have actually heard of them.”

“You did?” 

“You didn’t take me for the Revlon type?” He jokes.

She giggles. “I guess not. Anyways, they asked me to be their cover girl and I just don’t know.”

It’s silent for a few seconds before he speaks again.

“Darlin’, I’m just a simple country boy but that sounds like a huge deal to me! Why aren’t you excited?”

“I am...” She answers softly, debating whether or not to speak her next words. “I just... I grew up kinda feeling _anti_ all that Hollywood glamour. I wanted to make a line that was accessible to all people, not just the rich ones. Having my face blasted all over a glam campaign like that and billboards just seems to go against that.”

“I understand.” Blake drawls lowly. “But you’ve worked hard for your success, Gwen. Why should you feel bad for reaping some of the benefits?”

“Have you seen my house?” She asks sarcastically. “I already _am_ reaping the benefits. Greatly. The next thing you know they’ll ask me to do a Vogue cover.”

“Honey, I’m so lost.” Blake says gently and she can’t help but smile at how adorable he sounds. “Wouldn’t that be amazing?”

“It’s not realistic. Magazines like that sell an image that’s not aimed to everyone, only the privileged. Teenage me would hate seeing myself on that cover today.”

“But you’re not your teenage self anymore.” Blake points out. “You’ve grown, you’ve sacrificed. It’s okay to want more for yourself now that you’re in a position to get it.”

A soft grin tugs at her lips and she feels warmth spread through her chest like sunlight hitting it squarely from the outside. She doesn’t know how, but Blake always manages to say what she needs to hear, even when she doesn’t know what that is.

“Do you know how like, super smart you are?”

She can tell he’s grinning, simply by the way he talks.

“Well, _do_ tell me more.”

She snorts. “How about later? You still picking me up tonight?”

“Honey, is that even a real question you gotta be askin’?”

She bites her lip. “Sorry. It’s still all so weird, so new.”

“I’m definitely still picking you up tonight. Seven thirty.”

She nods. “Seven thirty.”

“I miss you.” He says lowly and she grips the phone just a little bit tighter in her hands.

“God, I can’t wait to hug you.”

Blake chuckles. “Just hug?”

“Weren’t we supposed to be taking it slow?”

“We are.” Blake affirms. “But if you think I’m not gonna kiss you like crazy when I get there, you’re surely living up to the reputation of your blonde locks sweetheart.”

She laughs loudly, shaking her head. “You’re a jerk.”

“Just saying.”

She hums. “You better be glad you’re cute. Plus… I do actually look forward to that.”

“The kissing?”

“Yeah. Manny will be here any second now.”

Now it’s his time to snort. “I’m gonna hang up on you.”

“But I’ll see you soon?”

His tone turns serious again. “Count on it, darlin’.”

\--

She’s been walking around like a crazy person all day, the decision she was left with after Manny had stopped by weighing heavily on her heart. It was a productive, yet exhausting day and the only thing that she’s truly looking forward to, is spending the evening with Blake. Even though it became clear he won’t be coming back to her place anytime soon, there’s nothing better for her mind than to just spend time with him.

Her body feels incredibly tired though and she feels a bit of annoyance over the fact that they chose this night in particular to do something fun together. Her feet hurt from walking around in heels all day and she can already imagine the relief when she finally gets to take her clothes off from the day.

She holds her jacket together at the collar, a shiver running up and down her spine when a rush of cold air sweeps past her face. She’s standing outside the office, on the curb as she watches cars drive by way too quickly. Her hand runs through her hair a few times as she catches her reflection in the large glass windows behind her. She looks the same way she feels, like she’s had an awfully long day. Before she can freak herself out about the way she looks too much, two headlights shine brightly at her as she looks up and makes out the outline of Blake’s truck.

His car definitely stands out against all the flashy cars and SUV’s driving around here in LA, and though his truck is nowhere near small, it’s much more like Blake. She immediately loved the vehicle. She rubs her hands together to warm herself up a bit and before she can make a move to walk towards him, Blake’s already out of the car and approaching her.

His arms widen as soon as he’s close enough to reach her and she wastes no time walking into them. He wraps them around her back tightly and she inhales the deep and husky scent of him, feeling some of the cold shivers evaporate on the spot.

“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.” She murmurs against his shirt, her hands clinging to his back.

She doesn’t know why she’s suddenly getting emotional, but luckily Blake doesn’t seem to judge her for it. She doesn’t even know if he notices, he just keeps holding her, rocking them gently.

His hand reaches up to the back of her head, stroking her hair while pushing her into him more. It feels so ridiculously safe and warm in his embrace, she doesn’t ever want to let go. Plans be damned.

“Long day, huh?” He whispers against the top of her head, though she already knows he’s aware of the answer.

She hums affirmatively anyways.

“The longest.”

Right when he’s about to say something, the flashing sound of a camera catches both of their attention. It’s still not an everyday occurrence—thank God—but it has been happening a lot more lately. She just missed Blake so much, she didn’t even think about the possibility of them being seen or spotted hugging outside of her workplace. His eyes flash at hers for a moment, panic settling on his handsome features.

“Shit Gwen, I’m sorry…”

She shushes him, biting her lip before scanning her surroundings. It’s ridiculous to her how people can suddenly have grown interested in her personal life like this, the invasion of privacy giving her both anxiety and growing frustrations. She wants to be able to hug her boyfriend in public, hell even make out with him if she wants to, without it being anyone else’s business.

“It’s not your fault.” She says softly, holding his gaze.

“Come on…” He utters gently, reaching for her hand and she surprises herself when she doesn’t even hesitate to take it.

He leads them back to his truck, holding open the passenger’s door for her as she slides onto the seat. He closes the car door before getting in himself, his eyes glaring a bit angrily out of the car window. The singular paparazzo that had apparently been hiding around the corner for a while, continues to snap a few pictures while they’re in the car.

“Is that guy serious?” Blake asks.

“Unfortunately.”

He puts the car in drive before backing them out of there, directing them to the main road.

“I didn’t think.” Blake begins to say, his finger tapping on the steering wheel. “I promised you we’d keep it lowkey, that you didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing us.”

“You couldn’t have known he’d be there.” She says.

He looks over at her when they reach a stop sign and she can tell he’s trying to gauge her reaction. If she’s being honest, she’s a bit overwhelmed, her brain almost too tired to think much of anything. Yes, she hates that a version of their relationship will be out in the world soon, but maybe there’s also a hint of relief?

She’s had enough of hiding over the years.

“I’m okay.” She says, answering the question he didn’t ask but she knows he’s thinking about in his head. “I just want to spend time with you, I don’t even want to think about… _that_.”

It’s not the most articulate she’s ever been, but she hopes it’s enough for now to take his nerves away. She thinks that it might not be, but he lets it go regardless.

“I’m here.” He says instead. “I got what you need.”

She cocks her head to look at him, smiling softly.

“Where are we going, cowboy?”

He grins before sliding one of his hands onto her thigh, laying across her leg lazily.

“My house.”

Gwen’s brows raise. “Your house?”

Blake hums.

“Are you gonna tell me more?” She asks curiously, surprised he’s taking her home when he’s been pretty adamant about not wanting to do that.

“Not a word.” He teases.

Gwen rolls her eyes. “Blake, you’ve kept me in the dark for a whole day.”

“So what’s another fifteen minutes gonna do to ya?”

She sits back into her seat, biting her lip to stifle another smile. There’s something incredibly innocent about the joy he sparks within her, even when they’re not doing much.

She thinks back to all the times he got the exact opposite reaction from her and she wonders how this man ever managed to make her feel anything but joyous. The crazy strong pull they have to each other proved to have two sides and maybe that’s what scares her the most; he makes her feel everything. So intensely, so real, it rocks her whole world of its axis. Maybe that’s what love is. The ability to make someone feel _everything_.

The rest of the drive seems to go by agonizingly slow and she wants to silently thank the Heavens when Blake’s property comes into view.

It dawns on her that she’s only been her once. The only time she ever stood in front of this house, was when she told Blake how sorry she was and figured out she’d been too late. The only memories she has of this place are tainted by him with another woman, and a love that she never thought would be reciprocated ever again. The realization stuns her into silence and Blake says nothing to snap her out of it.

She didn’t even realize he’d turned the engine off and they were both sitting in his drive, looking out at the middle class home.

“I thought it was time you’d come by here.” He says softly, keeping his eyes trained on the windshield. “Properly.”

She looks over at Blake, resisting the urge to touch him.

“I’ve never even been inside.” She breathes, at a loss of words at how intense this all feels suddenly.

Blake nods. “I know. How about we change that?”

“Yes, please.”

Just like that, he springs into action, letting the car keys slide into his pocket while walking around the car to hold her door open. She wonders if he’s aware he doesn’t have to do that every single time, but she figures that’s just part of his Southern upbringing—and to be fair, it’s a nice and welcome change from what she’s used to.

She takes his hand while she lets her feet hit the pavement, muttering a soft thank you when she’s stable on her feet. She can still feel the ache caused by the high heels gracing her feet and Blake’s arm around her back becomes even more enjoyable because of it.

He leads her into his house, the cozy interior screaming Blake while also maintaining a bit of the mancave she pictured in her head as well. She could tell he spent a lot of work on remodelling the place, turning it into a mixture of LA and Oklahoma that was most pleasing to her. The dark tile floor was graced with a carpet in the living room, a large black couch and TV the only things decorating the main area. It was everything around it that made her feel so at home. There’s a shelf of LP’s in the back of the room, almost at the curve of the kitchen. His kitchen counter reminds her a bit of hers, only smaller and darker. There are a few picture frames of what she believes are family members on the surface beneath the television and the smell that lingered inside was a heady mixture between piney and woody, leaving her with a warm feeling.

There’s one smell she _really_ can’t get past though, as it flares up her nostrils immediately. Her head whips back to the dinner table that’s set for two and multiple pans that are standing on the –turned off—stove. Her eyes look back at Blake, feeling herself tear up.

“Blake, my god, did you…”

He smiles softly. “How about you take those damn heels off finally and just relax. Just have to heat up the Casserole for a few more minutes. Vegetarian of course.” He winks.

Since she was stuck at the office for so long, she kind of figured her large lunch would suffice as her dinner for the day. She did not expect Blake to have cooked up a whole meal for her at his home.

She bites her lip. “You’re amazing, thank you.”

He gives her a quick kiss on her cheek, before walking off into the kitchen. She sits down on his couch instead, leaning forward to take her shoes off and moaning deeply when she frees her feet from their confinement. Both legs are swung onto his couch in no time, her joints immediately relaxing against his furniture.

“You want red or white?” Blake asks.

“Red, please.”

The sound of a cork being popped fills the silence and she closes her eyes at the complete magic of it all.

“Is it weird for you to have me here?” She says softly, her eyes still closed, lips still curved up in a subconscious smile.

“Why would it be weird?” He asks.

“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “You must have a lot of memories here of her still.”

It’s silent for a few seconds, before his presence becomes more palpable and she opens her eyes to find him leaning against the counter top.

“I do have memories here with Gabby.” He speaks slowly, his eyes never leaving her. “But seeing you sit right there on my couch, I can’t say I remember a single one right now.”

She stands up finally, ignoring the pain in her feet as she walks straight into his arms, hers sliding around his neck.

“I think you still owe me a kiss.”

He grins at her and takes way too much time to finally grant her wish. The way his lips move over hers sets her entire body on fire, the tingles coursing through her system with each stroke of his tongue. Her hands cup the back of his head, her heart starting to thump harder against her chest.

He backs away from her with a wet sound, his hands holding onto her waist.

“As much as I wanna keep doing this, you’ve had a long day and you gotta be starving. How about we eat and resume this later?”

His boyish grin makes her fall even deeper in love and the heavy drawl in which he spoke those words make her lose all inhibitions quickly. She fights the urge to pull him back in for a kiss and nods.

Dinner was nice and quiet, both tired and both perfectly content with just sitting in each other’s presence. The only sounds that were heard for a while was the cutlery scratching against the plates and the soft sounds of record player in the back. At some point Blake had asked her about her decision and where she was at right now. It had felt nice to talk to him about it, as he wasn’t trying to steer her a certain way. Realizing she still didn’t make up her mind and it was getting her stressed again, he changed the subject until she was in a fit of giggles.

He instructed her to remain seated when she tried to clear the table and help him in the kitchen and she sat back with a slight pout. He chuckled at her before holding his hand out for her and leading her back to his couch.

They sit tangled up with each other, her back pressed against his chest and his arms wrapped around her body. She’s come to find out that might be her favorite way of snuggling up to him. She loves the feeling of being so close to him, so intimate.

“What are you gonna do when these pictures come out, Gwen?”

His voice startles her a little, the way he just asked that question making her brows raise.

“What?” She asks stupidly, unable to come up with anything else. His question hitting her out of the blue.

“They’re gonna come out.”

Gwen sighs. “You’re talking about the paparazzi pictures?”

She knows the answer, doesn’t really have to ask the question, but she’s stalling. It’s uneasy suddenly, the mood shift and she wants to sink back into Blake’s chest and just relax. She can tell it’s been on his mind ever since it happened though and she doesn’t want to brush over that like it’s nothing.

“I don’t know, what can you do?” She counters. “Nothing.”

“You can run.”

She twists her body so she’s slightly facing him, her side pressing into his chest now. He looks down at her intensely and she sees the fear in his eyes as much as he tries to hide it.

“Blake, I’m not gonna run for the hills. I know what we’re in for. Are you?”

He sighs, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

“I know this has been your fear from the start. People finding out about us, them being all up in your business like they were before…”

“I was never scared of them finding out about us—“

“—We’re different, you’ve said so yourself. Quite a few times.” He interrupts her, and that sentiment alone is weird. “I just don’t want you to freak out once those pictures hit the tabloids, but if you are, I want you to tell me now.”

Her face goes slack, breath stuttering out of her slightly parted lips.

“Where is this coming from?” She breathes. “I thought we were starting clean?”

“We are. I’m just askin’, is that still what you want?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

She’s trying hard to understand his thought process, but she can’t believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. She wants so badly for him to believe in her, it feels like a punch to the gut to realize he still doesn’t.

“Because the last time you took me somewhere public, you left me afterwards.”

The words hang painfully in the air, her throat constricting.

“ _Blake_.”

“It’s basically the same thing. They will associate me with you _publicly_ and you’re gonna have to decide if that’s something you want. Something you’re ready for.”

She cocks her head to the side, eyes swimming.

“You still thinking that me pushing you away after that party had anything to do with not wanting to be seen publicly with you, just destroys me.”

“It’s quite hard to forget.”

His voice is laced with defensiveness and she recognizes the road this conversation threatens to go down all too well. She’s in no way ready to go there again, wants to do whatever she can to steer this one differently.

Only the truth can do that.

They look at each other for a long moment before Gwen’s hand cups the back of Blake’s neck and pulls him closer until their foreheads are touching.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to tell you until you believe me.” She whispers. “I felt too much for you, Blake. I needed to get away from what I was feeling because I wasn’t ready. That party didn’t make me realize I was _embarrassed_ of you—it made me realize that I loved you.”

Blake’s eyes become watery and she swallows down the huge lump in her own throat.

“After that last evening with you, I came home here and I just….” He looks at a spot behind her, and she lets him collects his thoughts without urging him to go on. “God, I was such a mess. I was sitting right here, Gwen. I was losing my mind and I was in this goddamn house and—“

“Blake.” She whispers, realizing that if she didn’t cut him off now, he was only gonna spiral further into the darker parts of his mind. The one that convinces him she’s still seeing him as something she needs to keep a secret. “You’re not alone anymore. You’re not losing your mind and I’m not gonna leave you again. I made up my mind, and as long as you’re still on the same page, nothing has changed for me. I don’t care if the world finds out tomorrow, or a few days later, or even weeks from now. All I care about is that we’re good.”

Her fingers toy with the short hairs in the nape of his neck. “Are we good, Blake?”

Blake sighs deeply, a sound leaving his throat that sounds much like he’s choking on a sob.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. I didn’t mean to…I know you’re trying. I was being a jerk.”

She shakes her head. “No you weren’t. Tell me Blake, can you forgive me for what happened?”

“It’s not about forgiveness. I’ve forgiven you.”

“Then what?” She pushes, knowing there’s more.

“What if you were right before?”

“I wasn’t.”

He bites his lip. “I’ve hurt you too. I made you feel like you were unimportant to me.”

“We’re moving past that. _I’m_ moving past that.”

“On paper, this doesn’t make sense. People will notice that.”

She realizes he’s going down a list that he made for himself, of all the reasons why she could still change her mind. She’s prepared to go down all of them so she can ease his concerns and starve whatever fears that are left in his brain.

“But this does work and it does make sense to me. I know it does to you too because you wouldn’t have fought so damn hard to get it back if you didn’t. That’s all that matters to me now.”

“Gwen…” He whispers, his hand now cupping her cheek while his other arm traps her body against his chest. “I want you so bad, that will never change. I just need you to know that, I need you to know that in case—“

“—I do know that.” She cuts him off, smiling softly. “You don’t need to convince me of that anymore. I know this is scary and the fact that we made a mess of things before…it doesn’t help.”

Blake chuckles. “No, it doesn’t.”

She’s suddenly hit with an idea that both terrifies and electrifies her. His brows raise when she suddenly gets up from their position on the couch and starts walking towards the stairs. He looks after her until she’s two steps up, before he follows her.

“Baby.” He murmurs his careful warning and she knows what he assumes is gonna happen.

“Not taking you upstairs to have sex, Blake.”

The bluntness in which she addressed him makes him chuckle and she realizes how good it feels to be able to be fully honest and transparent with another human being again. She stands still when she gets to his bedroom door, at least that’s what she assumes it is. It’s weird to know she’s never been up here before and she feels slightly sad that they won’t be taking things to the bedroom. She pushes that thought away and looks at him shyly.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

He frowns. “Door on your left. Gwen, what’s going on?”

“Just come with me.” She whispers, looking up at him. “Please.”

He seems thoroughly confused, but humours her.

The bathroom reveals to have the same earthy feel as the rest of his house. The walls are large format tiles of beige travertine and the floor is made of light brown tiles. The vanities are of dark wood and the counters are a brilliant white quartz. There’s no bath but instead there’s a quite large walk in shower. It stands out against the modest size room itself.

She feels Blake’s chest against her back before his hands slide to her waist and hold her there.

“Sweetheart, what are we doing in here? If you wanted a tour of the place you could’ve just said so. I would’ve started off somewhere other than the bathroom though..” His words have a hint of playfulness there and she turns around to face him.

She shakes her head, grabbing his hand. “I do want a tour of the place later, but that’s not why I brought you up here.”

“Then why?” He asks, turning serious again.

“You wanted to know what I would do when these pictures would hit the internet.” She says, the soft intake of breath from Blake indicating that the subject makes him nervous. “I never even told you this, but when I was younger I got really into songwriting. Just as a hobby obviously, and I’m not even really any good. It was just another outlet.”

“I’m sure you’re great, Gwen.” He challenges.

She smiles widely. “Well, you’re about to find that out for yourself.”

He cocks his head at her.

Before he can ask, she answers him.

“The beginning of this song started upstairs in my bathroom, the night after Chelsea’s party.”

Recognition seems to hit Blake and he grimaces.

She just smiles gently. “It’s not an angry song, I promise. If anything, I think I started to realize at that point that if I’d never get you back, I’d rather hold on to the moments that _were_ great. And you gave me a lot of feelings worthy of a romance novel way before we ever dated. I finished the song not so long ago and nothing has changed. So you wanted to know if I was gonna run again when things get rough and I don’t think I can answer you more clearly than with a song.”

Blake looks at her stunned, his thumb stroking her hand. “Gwen, I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything yet.” She says softly. “Read it first. Since I started it in a bathroom, I thought it would be a nice full circle moment to let you read it here in _yours_.”

She hopes he doesn’t find her too cheesy, the numerous digs she received from her ex in the past all coming back to haunt her. Blake seems to share not a single one of his beliefs, because his smile is threatening to split his face in two.

She pulls him down to the floor, sitting with their backs against the wall as she nervously opens her notes on her phone and hands the device over to him.

He looks at her once more, as if to receive that last piece of confirmation before he starts reading. Her heart is pounding as he takes in the lyrics she wrote about him in a time where nothing about their relationship was stable or even healthy. It’s weird to finally let him in on that part of her brain, while trying so hard back then to keep him out. Inviting him in willingly now speaks volumes about not only her mental state at the moment, but also the strengthening of their bond in the span of a few months.

“Gwen…” He breathes after a few moments, his eyes sliding back up as he reads a certain part again. She’s tempted to ask which lyric stands out to him so much he needs to revisit it, but she keeps quiet and lets him take it all in.

Blake’s hand mindlessly slides over her knee and stays there, just holding her. The way his hands feel on her will never not be overwhelming; feeling like someone lovingly, but ruthlessly plucks her heart out of her chest and warms it up so much that it feels like the world begins and ends there. Right there in that attentive and unescapable touch.

Sex is the one thing she always knew her way around without any insecurities. The fact that Blake clearly doesn’t want that from her right now keeps her on edge constantly. She does her best to hide it from him, because the last thing she wants is for Blake to second guess his great intentions.

Besides, she can find solace in the soft and quiet touches he does so often. Even while unaware, he teaches her a great deal about the real meaning of intimacy. A concept that has been more foreign to her than she feels comfortable admitting out loud.

“Gwen, this is…” He shakes his head, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “God baby, this is amazing. You are amazing.”

His voice sounds rough and low, the sound drawing her to him like a moth to a flame. Her head lowers to his shoulder, but he seemingly needs more.

Without warning, he hoists her up onto his lap. His hand cups her cheek, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.

“I love you forever, Gwen. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

She smiles watery. “You’re welcome.”

His thumb parts her lips before replacing his finger with his mouth and then he’s kissing her like it’s the only thing he wants to do until the day he dies.


	23. Chapter 23

The last sound of the camera going off hasn’t even been a second ago before she’s bolting back into her trailer. She’s been getting her pictures taken for over five hours, shooting multiple video ads while they’re at it. She’s thankful for the opportunity, but she’s also ready to go home. Her fickle mood has to do with the fact that this Revlon shoot was outside of her comfort zone to begin with, but she’s also trying to fight the sunken feeling in her gut at the absence of Blake.

He was supposed to be there about an hour ago and she figured that Blake’s eyes on her during these photoshoots would make her at least a bit more at ease. Instead, she found herself looking around the premises for him for the last sixty minutes, fighting the urge to cry as she couldn’t spot him. She knows it’s crazy, she’s done shoots before—though never as big as this one—and she’s never needed anyone else but her team there.

She’s been professional throughout the whole thing, but sitting in her trailer in front of the dress-table mirror, she finds herself getting emotional. She’s got one missed text from Blake saying that he was gonna be later and that he was apologetic, but she hasn’t gotten to responding yet. She takes off her lipstick and pulls her hair up into a bun. She’s still in her red dress, but her eyes are already scanning the room for her casual outfit lying around somewhere.

A breath of relief escapes her lips when she realizes her stylist left her red sweats and oversized band t-shirt on the couch for her. Her legs carry her over to the bundle of clothing when a knock on her door startles her.

She bites her lip before opening the door and revealing Blake’s frame on the other side. He looks at her apologetically before flashing that way too attractive smile.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” He says, stepping forward and grabbing her hand. “This job at one of my client’s houses took way longer than expected and the goddamn LA traffic…”

He trails off and pulls her closer into him. She lets him initiate the physical contact, but she can tell he’s caught off guard by her lack of reciprocation.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I should’ve been here.” He says against the top of her head. “You look absolutely breathtaking as always.”

The compliment makes her give him a small smile before tearing herself away from him. She hears the trailer door close behind him and she picks up the clothing from the couch.

“You’re here now.” She states, though the words don’t sound as convincing as she would’ve liked them to sound.

Blake sighs. “Baby….”

“Can you give me a hand?” She asks, struggling to get the zipper at her back.

He walks over to her, one hand steadying himself on her waist while the other one slowly tugs the zipper down her back. Even with her frustrations boiling right below the surface she can’t help but shiver at the feel of Blake’s fingers against her naked skin there.

“Jesus baby, you’re unreal.” Blake breathes and she wishes she could just lean back into his touch and let him feel her up.

Her mind won’t allow it though and she’s walking out of his reach before she knows it.

“Thanks.” She says, referring to his help with getting the dress off.

She steps out of the flimsy material and hangs it carefully on the rack in the back. Standing in nothing but her underwear she can see Blake’s eyes stray a bit as she steps into her red sweats.

“How did it go?” Blake asks after getting his bearings back and sitting down on the couch. He holds her t-shirt in his hand and holds it out for her when she’s ready.

“Good.” She answers, pulling the shirt over her head and adjusting it properly when it’s covering her small frame. She tucks the fabric into her pants. “I didn’t see the pictures yet though.”

“I’m sure they’re amazing, Gwen. Look at yourself.”

She shakes her head. “I wasn’t all there.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was distracted.” She replies, sitting back in front of the dress table.

“You wanna talk about it?”

She swallows roughly, searching through her make-up bag and applying a light pink gloss to her lips.

“We already established you should’ve been here. Not really a point in repeating the fact you were a no-show, right?”

She turns her head so she can look at him, his mouth opening to say something before closing again.

“I just really needed you today, Blake. You knew how much it meant to me that you even wanted to be here and then you just don’t show. You send me a vague text saying you’re gonna be a bit later and that’s it.”

“Sweetheart, I promise you I did whatever I could to get here as soon as possible. I know how much this meant to you.”

She shakes her head, trying to push away all the searing insecurities and negative thoughts clouding her brain.

“It’s fine, let’s just drop it.” She says.

Blake shakes his head. “No, I can tell you’re still upset.”

She turns around, turning her back to him as she looks into the small mirror.

“You were with a client?” She asks.

Blake hums. “I was about to wrap it up for the day when I realized she had bought all the wrong materials. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to install that later, so we had to redo all the measurements. I’m sorry, I wish I could’ve left sooner, but it just wasn’t possible.”

Gwen nods, a sour taste filling her mouth.

“Right.” She whispers. “And you couldn’t have done that the next time you’re supposed to be there?”

“She was freaking out about it, Gwen. You know what it’s like to have certain ideas for your house. She was basically seeing one of her ideas fall through.”

“So you’re not only a contractor, but you’re also a social worker now?”

She wants to slap herself for the insensitive words, but there’s no taking them back now. Blake’s scoff is loud to her ears.

“I don’t think I have to tell you that you’re being immature right now.”

She turns back around to face him, her hand playing with the collar of her shirt.

“I was freaking out too, you know? Your girlfriend. Me. I needed you too.”

Maybe she’s being too needy, maybe she’s being unreasonable, but she had absolutely zero doubts about Blake showing up today. The disappointment of that not happening triggering not only the worst kind of sadness in her, but also multiple flashbacks to a past she so desperately wants to forget.

“I couldn’t leave. Baby, I had a job to do. If I had it my way I’d be with you literally all the time, but we both have other responsibilities.”

“You think I don’t know that?” She asks, getting annoyed again.

“Then why are you getting so upset about this, Gwen?” He asks, holding her gaze.

She can’t help the watering of her eyes and Blake’s expression softens when he notices. He holds his hand out for her, inviting her into his embrace before he verbally does.

“Darlin’, come here.”

She shakes her head, whisking a tear away with her hand.

“I was so nervous, I thought I wasn’t gonna get through this shoot. The only thing that kept me somewhat going was the assumption you were gonna walk in any second. Do you realize how humiliated I felt when you just wouldn’t show?”

“I’m sorry, Gwen—“

“And that text?” She interrupts, holding up her phone. “You said you were gonna be later, but that’s it. No explanation, no _how much_ later.”

“I was working!” He says a bit louder, his eyes honing in on her.

“What the hell were you doing that made it impossible for you to send me a bit more elaborate text, maybe even a short phone call?”

She looks at him sideways while asking that question, her heart beating dangerously fast.

There’s a flicker of hurt and anger on Blake’s features, his chest visibly deflating while he looks at her.

“What exactly are you getting at, Gwen?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not getting at anything. I’m just asking you a question.”

“Don’t play dumb with me.” He says. “You’re hinting at something. Just say it.”

“You lost track of time.”

“I couldn’t make it—“

“You lost track of time and you were with a client.” She interrupts. “It’s sounding awfully familiar, that’s all I’m saying.”

As soon as the words escape her mouth, Blake’s pushing himself off the trailer couch. He looks at her with wide eyes, his face betraying just how upsetting her words are to him.

“You’re kidding me, right?”

She inhales deeply. “Blake, I—“

“No, you’ve said enough. It’s my turn.”

Though she doesn’t feel like letting him talk –at all—his tone of voice is enough to shut her up. Her eyes focus in on him and she suddenly feels nervous sitting in front of him, his gaze a fiery blaze.

“We have things to work through, I know that. We both do.” He says sternly, his demeanour a tense one. “But this isn’t just about us, Gwen. You’re questioning my personality, my morals.”

“It’s happened before.” She whispers, looking away from him.

“You were there!” He hisses. “You wanna bring up my adultery again? Fine, we can talk about it. Where do you wanna start? The fact that the only time I _ever_ went there was with you or would you rather talk about how much you enjoyed it when I did?”

That causes her to look up again.

“Don’t you dare…”

“Don’t I dare, what?” He pushes. “Because Gwen, let me tell you—I’ve never doubted you like this. I would never doubt you like this. You wanna know why? Because no matter how hard this gets, no matter how much we’ve _both_ fucked up, I know the person you are. I know that, because it’s who I fell in love with. Who did you fall for? Because it sure as hell can’t be this cheating bastard you’re painting me out to be right now.”

Her eyes water again, her posture lacking all strength.

Her hand covers her mouth before dropping it again. “I don’t want….I’m not saying you cheated on me.”

“Oh no you implied it, don’t backtrack now.”

“I didn’t!” She retorts, shaking her head and hating herself when a tear slips out. “I’m saying that you have a habit of getting attached to the people you work for. I don’t know what happened between you guys, but I know that it was important enough to brush me off for.”

Blake scoffs. “God damnit Gwen. You’re so used to love putting you second, you can’t even recognize when you’re someone’s number one.”

He steals all the air from her lungs with one sentence, her hand covering her mouth again to disguise the sob that threatens to come out.

Though he doesn’t make a move to comfort or walk closer to her, his features do soften.

“I trust you.” She whispers brokenly. “I wouldn’t have agreed to dating you if I didn’t.”

“You don’t trust me. You want to, but you don’t.”

“Stop telling me how I feel.”

“Then show me.” He challenges her. “Show me you trust me, Gwen. Because from where I’m standing right now, it just looks like you’re always gonna believe I’m screwing someone else behind your back. And I can’t live like that.”

“That’s because everyone I’ve ever fucking dated _did_ , Blake.”

“I’m not everybody else, though.” He says sharply.

She sniffs. “I know that…”

“Do you?”

“I just wanted you to be here.”

Blake nods. “What if I told you I couldn’t make it because my _guy_ friend came by the house and I couldn’t slip away in time. Would we even be here having this conversation right now?”

The questions hits her hard in her gut, not because the answer was the one Blake expected it to be—but because it _wasn’t_.

She’s disappointed in the fact that he wasn’t there and years and years of empty promises and continuous disappointments led her mind into the darkest parts of her psyche—making accusations that were never meant for him in the first place.

“Yes.” She says softly, her eyes searching for his again. “We would still be having this conversation, because I missed you and I wanted you here.”

Blake shakes his head, not believing her.

“If this is what you missing me looks like, I don’t think I want it.”

Her heart slams against her chest so loudly she audibly gasps underneath the weight of it. She breaks her gaze with him until she can sense movement from the corner of her eye. Blake is making his way to the door of her trailer, dragging his feet.

“Where are you going?” She whispers.

“I need some damn air.”

“Are you leaving?”

He looks back at her for a second, before opening the door.

“I don’t know Gwen…. you tell me.”

\--

The conversation couldn’t have gone worse. Before he got here, she promised herself she wouldn’t let her fears and frustrations get the upper hand, but as soon as she saw him, it all came crashing into her like a tidal wave. She hadn’t seen Blake in three days, which had been weird considering they spent every day together for nearly a week. So when she knew she’d see him today, she focused all her positive energy on that – which all seemed to leave her body in an instant when he didn’t show on time.

She didn’t mean for the accusations to leave her lips and she definitely didn’t mean to scare him out of the door, but none of that matters now. It’s her worst fear coming to life; messing this thing up before they even got started.

She’s pacing back and forth in her trailer, checking her phone every other second to see if he’s texted her. She’s too afraid to walk outside in fear of realizing he’s actually gone. The whole day proved to be a drag and she covers her face with both hands, sighing deeply.

Her glance shoots over to the clock on the wall, showing her it’s been almost twenty minutes since he left. She shudders as she remembers the hurt expression on his face before he walked out. After a few more minutes of mental preparation, she grabs her jacket from where it’s thrown over a chair. She takes one last look in the mirror before hitting the lights and opening the door, revealing a bright California day.

The heat of the sun immediately greets her, heating up her body instantly. She keeps her jacket slung over her shoulders, realizing quickly she doesn’t really need it.

She digs into her purse to retrieve her car keys, hopeful eyes wandering around the lot in hopes of spotting a hint of Blake.

A few people say their goodbyes as they see her walk by and she fakes the prettiest smile, not wanting to tip anyone off about her horrible day so far. She keeps her head down while walking towards her large SUV, feeling like her emotions are written all over her face. She’s about to use her key to unlock the car when she senses a figure leaning against the driver’s door.

Her heart hammers loudly when she realizes it’s Blake. He never left.

“You’re still here.” She whispers, walking close enough for him to be able to hear her.

He nods, not saying a word.

His eyes find hers and hold her gaze, causing her fingers to nervously play with the key pressed in her hand.

“I thought you went home. Did you stand here all this time?”

She finds it impossibly hard to read him like this, his silence only unsettling her more.

For a while, it looks like he’s trying to find the right words to say, biting his lip from saying something he’ll regret. She knows what Blake’s frustration looks like, knows it all too well, and all she wants is for it to evaporate on the spot. She never wants to be the cause of that kind of emotion in him again, but it seems like they’re way passed that now.

“I needed to clear my head.” He says, looking at her intensely. “Get some air.”

Gwen nods, swallowing hard.

“Blake, I….” She shakes her head, words failing her. “I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t look at her anymore, barely acknowledges her apology. She steps even closer to him, her hands reaching out for his arms. He doesn’t pull away at her touch but she can tell he’s hesitant.

“I never should’ve implied what I did.” She admits. “I didn’t mean it. I was just…I was so sad and the whole day just made me super nervous and I took it out on you. I was angry you weren’t there and I lashed out at you when I should’ve just tried to talk to you about it.”

“You _did_ talk to me about it, Gwen.” He breathes. “You told me everything I needed to know.”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t mean it. Blake, I know I hurt you and I know you probably don’t believe me, but I do trust you.”

“How can you even say that?”

“Cause it’s true.” She retorts. “What I said wasn’t about you, I realize that now. It was about my past, my own sadness, my fear of not being enough. It wasn’t about _you_.”

His eyes seem like they’re trying to look straight into her soul, her breath stammering out nervously because of it.

“We can’t keep doing this.” He says. “We can’t keep blaming each other for other people’s mistakes. We can’t keep doing the same thing and pray for a better outcome, Gwen.”

She looks down at the ground, almost feeling like a little child getting lectured.

“I know.” She nods. “I’m sorry.”

Blake looks at her a bit sympathetically and she’s seeking his touch before she has the brain to notice what’s happening. Her hand slides up his chest as she presses herself against him, trapping her hand between their bodies. His heartbeat pounds rhythmically against her palm and she is hit with the overwhelming urge to feel more of him.

Suddenly hating the fact they’re still standing in the parking lot instead of having him in the privacy of her home –or even a trailer, she makes the most of what she’s got. Her eyes scan her surroundings quickly and a small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth when she realizes the lot is empty.

“I miss you.” She whispers against his neck before kissing him there softly.

“Baby.” He groans when she pushes herself against him in all the ways that make it impossible to hide his growing excitement.

She grins when she realizes he needs her just as much as she needs him, her mind reeling with possibilities. For weeks now, she’s felt a type of way about him holding her off physically and she thinks she might actually go crazy if she doesn’t change that right now. Her hand slides lower and Blake subtly tries to stop her ministrations.

Gwen won’t let it deter her.

“Let me show you how much.” She murmurs huskily while her hand covers his obvious erection tenting in his jeans way too temptingly.

Though they’re alone in the private parking lot, only accessible for people who were part of the shoot today, it’s definitely not the most sane idea she’s ever had.

Before she can think about it some more, Blake’s hand grabs onto hers more roughly and takes it off his hardening length. She looks up to find him slightly wincing and she really hates him in this moment –she needs him way more than he seems to be aware of.

“Gwen, no.” He shakes his head softly. “Not here.”

“Okay, then let’s go home.”

She tries to kiss him again, but his hand cups the side of her face and holds her off successfully. The look he gives her both scares and confuses her.

“Blake…” She whines.

“Do you realize how every single time you’re unhappy with me, you resort to sex?”

His straightforward question hits her off guard, her hands dropping from their way up his chest and lay limp against her sides.

“That’s not true..” She begins to say, her words trailing off while Blake continues to stare at her hard.

“It is.” He counters. “Don’t get me wrong, we’ve both done it. But even in these last few days, every single time we’ve started talking about something uncomfortable, you touch me.”

“Are you saying you don’t like it when I touch you?”

“I’m saying I want you comfortable around me even when we don’t.”

Gwen scoffs. “I don’t get why you….why are you making this a problem right now?”

He looks at her quietly for a few seconds, his hand still holding hers in his grip.

“Because I care about you, Gwen.”

“Then why won’t you show me? Why won’t you touch me?” She asks softly, feeling the desperation seep into her voice. “I know we’re taking it slow, but you could at least _pretend_ to find it hard not to be intimate with me in that way.”

“Gwen….” He breathes flabbergasted.

“You had no problem touching me back when….” She shakes her head, not wanting to go there again. “You had no problem with it before, but now that you actually can have me, you don’t want to? Was I more desirable when it was forbidden? Is that it?”

“You’re so wrong right now.” His voice is soft, but the look on his face shows how badly he wants to take every dark thought of her brain and squash it on the pavement.

The expression causes her breath to hitch in her throat.

“I don’t want to disappoint you.” She whispers, deciding honesty is the only way to go. “I knew you had a certain image of me before all of this. I just want….”

Her voice breaks and Blake’s finger softly strokes the top of her hand.

“Go on, darlin’.” He urges her gently. “What do you want?”

“I want to understand.”

Blake looks at her sideways.

“Why are you taking the one thing I know how to do away from me?” She continues, her eyes watery and voice small as she stands in front of him so vulnerably.

“Sex?” Blake asks wide-eyed, as if the prospect of her thinking like that physically breaks his heart. And maybe it does.

“It’s the one thing I’m not afraid of, Blake. And I miss you, I miss being close to you and I can’t help but wonder why you’re suddenly so against sleeping with me.”

His hand lowers to her hipbone, his other one cupping her cheek.

“Because of this, baby.” He says softly, as if the answer should be loud and clear to her by now. “Because you feel like that’s what I need from you in order to be happy with you.”

She shakes her head but doesn’t try to verbally reject his statement.

“Tell me, Gwen, help me understand. Why is it so easy for you to give your body to me, while it’s clear I don’t even have your trust yet?”

“That’s not true.” She says louder. “I already told you that isn’t true.”

“Fact remains, you find it much easier to have sex with me than anything else. I know I did things to make you feel insecure before, but damn it Gwen, do you really believe that’s all I was after all this time? That now I have you, I suddenly find you less desirable?”

Her breathing is loud and ragged to her own ears, as if he’d been touching her for hours. She still can hardly breathe by how badly she wishes that to be true.

“I don’t know.” She whispers.

“That’s not good enough for me.”

His choice of words surprises her, the look in his eyes still soft despite his urgent tone just now. She tries to search deeper into her heart, throwing the last bit of caution to the wind.

“You not showing up here on time and you still not wanting to touch me—it scares me, Blake. It makes me feel like you’re already starting to pull away from me. Why are you making me spell this out for you?”

“What am I making you spell out?” Blake asks, subconsciously proving her point.

“That I’m fucking terrified of losing you.”

His hand slightly tightens its grip on her cheek, but not to the point where it’s unpleasant. He looks genuinely blindsided by it, which unsettles her even more.

“Sweetheart, you gotta listen to me.” He whispers urgently, standing even closer to her. “I’m taking things slow because I want this to work so badly. I know we’re good in that department….” He says lowly, suggesting at their bedroom antics. “I just want to make sure we’re good in all the other departments as well. I want this to last, Gwen. I’m not pulling back from you at all. If anything, I want you more than ever before.”

She continues to look at him, a few stray tears making their way down her cheeks. She doesn’t try to whisk them away and neither does Blake. They stay standing close to each other, her head leaning into the hand that’s still cupping her cheek.

“What are we gonna do?” She whispers.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m still so scared Blake, we both are. And these aren’t even the most turbulent times yet; the media is still pretty unaware about us for some reason, our schedules usually still align to where we can see each other every other day. What if all that changes too?”

“Baby, we can’t think about all that yet.”

“But we should.” She corrects him. “Can you really tell me that doesn’t scare you? I basically pushed you out of the door already with my insecurities and things will only get more complicated from here on out.”

Blake shakes his head. “If that’s the case, then you gotta continue to talk to me. I don’t care about all that other stuff, you know that.”

“You say that now…”

“Because I mean it. Look, maybe you’re right—maybe I have no idea what’s about to hit us, but I know that however bad it gets, we can get through it. I still believe that.”

Gwen sighs deeply, thankful he hasn’t stepped away from her yet.

“I believe that too. I just don’t want you to feel trapped or start to regret ever agreeing to doing this.”

One of his hands snakes behind her back while the one on her cheek pulls her closer to him slowly. She almost tries to speak again, his movements that much of a surprise, but he silences her words in the most delicious way. The way he softly touches her lips with his own before kissing her deeply, makes it known his intention is to show her all the affection that she craves while simultaneously showing her he’s still taking his time with her.

It’s slow, sweet and damn near torturous.

“Gwen?” He whispers sweetly against her lip, giving her another soft kiss for good measure.

“Yes?”

“I want you to have dinner with me and my best friend tomorrow.”

Her eyes widen as her hand moves up his chest again, looking up into his ocean blue eyes.

“Really?”

Blake hums. “Adam has been my closest friend ever since I moved to LA and I want him to meet you. I want you to know how serious I am about this. I know we’re not trying to get seen by the whole world, but I don’t want to hide you from mine.”

Her heart is beating out of her chest, but she doesn’t know whether that’s due to nerves or excitement.

“Oh my god, Blake.” She says softly, her breath escaping her in a rush. “Of course I want to meet him.”

“Yeah?” Blake asks, a happy sparkle returning to his eyes.

Her hand moves to the back of his head, needing to feel his lips on hers again. She pulls away before she can deepen it and looks at him with pure adoration.

“ _Yeah_.” She affirms before he kisses her again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Gwen Stefani is ready to date again? – See EXCLUSIVE pictures**

_Scorned by love, but ready to take it on again?_

_Gwen Stefani (36) and ex-husband Gavin Rossdale (43) called it quits late 2018. Their representatives released a statement claiming ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason for the couple’s divorce._

_Rumours started blooming at the beginning of this year, about a new possible romance for Gwen, the fashion designer who’s quickly taking the world by storm._

_Sources tell TMZ that she’s been hanging out with her new boyfriend for months and that they are ‘testing the waters’._

_No information or personal details of her alleged boyfriend have been made public yet._

_“Gwen has found love with someone outside of the industry. This gives her a sense of peace and normality the fashion designer desperately craves”, the source explained._

_We might not have his personal details, but we sure have these adorable pictures of the two new lovebirds cuddling up outside of her work office._

**CLICK BELOW FOR EXCLUSIVE PICTURES >>**

The article causes her stomach to tense up in knots, her fingers rubbing at the space between her eyebrows. She had woken up to several text messages, both from friends and people who are part of her team. She had tried to keep their relationship under the wraps for the most part, even granting only the people closest to her with the information that she’s dating again.

Blake had told his friend, Adam, who she learned of yesterday. The timing of this article couldn’t be worse as she’s about to meet Blake’s closest friend over dinner tonight. She doesn’t want to complicate his life at all, and she doesn’t even want to think about what people closest to him must think about all of this. About _her_.

Part of her is glad they don’t have Blake’s information yet, knowing that once they discover his identity, it’s over for his privacy as well. At least for now, he’s only subjected to this kind of exposure when he’s around her – and that’s still partially his choice.

She calls him up, nerves flying around uncomfortably in her throat. She doesn’t know whether or not Blake has seen or heard from the article yet and gauging his reaction is something she dreads more than she’s willing to admit.

“Hey pretty girl.” Blake breaks the monotone sound of the line trying to connect.

His voice sounds cheery –thank God—so even if he _is_ aware of the tabloid, it hasn’t completely ruined his mood, the way it did hers.

“Hey babe.” She smiles to herself, unable to help it.

“God, I miss you.” He says softly, his voice dropping an octave. “Leaving you last night, after…”

His voice trails off lowly but she needs no more words to hum in gentle agreement.

He had dropped her off at her place right after they made up in the parking lot, and she’d gotten him to spend some more time with her inside after that. They ended up in a heated make out session on her couch, hot touches and teasing words the only things she remembers. It had physically hurt them both to pry away from each other before they could take it too far.

Whatever that was, at this point.

“But I’ll see you tonight.” She speaks slowly, biting her lip.

She speaks those words hoping they would get rid of the desperate feeling both were expressing, but she was still left with this painful ache pooling low in her stomach.

“Yeah you are.” He affirms.

“About that.” She continues, hoping to stall the impending subject of the article for a few more minutes. “Have you thought about what you wanted to cook yet?”

She hears rustling sounds on the other end of the line, indicating he’s moving around.

“I thought about a few things. Haven’t bought anything yet, though.”

Gwen smiles. “Good. I was thinking, what if I cook for you guys? All you gotta do is make sure you have the right ingredients at your place and I’ll do the rest.”

“Baby, you don’t have to— “

“ _Please_?” She interjects quickly, using her girly voice to hopefully reel him in. “I really want to do this, Blake. I know he’s important to you and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to cook for you before. Let me take care of dinner tonight.”

She can tell by his audible sigh that he finds it hard to give in to her proposition, but somehow she feels like she got him to agree regardless.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“Positive, cowboy. I’m running a bit late with work today though, so if I text you a little list, you think you can go get it for me?”

Blake chuckles. “I hope you didn’t really think I was gonna let you cook for us _and_ let you do the groceries.”

Gwen snorts. “Yeah, that would be _horrendous_.”

“Are you making fun of me?”

She can hear Blake’s smirk on the other end of the line and the image in her head makes her giggle.

“I would never.”

The sound escaping his throat makes it known he is less than convinced and for a moment she’s tempted to keep the mood this light-hearted. Fears come creeping back into her head and she tries to push them away diligently, not wanting to make the same mistakes as before.

“I wanted to ask you something….” She starts carefully, Blake’s soft hum warming her chest and urging her to go on. “Did you happen to see the article they posted about…us?”

The silence that follows scares her, but she won’t let it intimidate her back into silence again.

“They publicized an article about us?” Blake asks surprised, obviously not used to the idea.

“Yeah.” She whispers. “It’s not a bad one. It basically just says we’re dating, but they don’t know who you are yet. They have the pictures from that night you held me in front of my office.”

It’s quiet again and the way Blake’s taking so long to reply is seriously making her restless. She walks over to her kitchen counter, hands sliding across the marble Blake once installed for her.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. Are you okay?”

She shakes her head. “I’m fine. I was more worried about your reaction, to be honest.”

“I hate the fact they won’t leave you alone, it’s wrong and it makes me fucking angry. But I still don’t care about them ‘exposing’ our relationship. I’m still all in, this doesn’t change anything.”

She feels her shoulders lose their tension when he speaks, his words covering her like a thick blanket.

“Just keep talking to me okay?” She presses gently, her back leaning against the counter top. “If it does get weird, or too much, I just want you to tell me.”

Blake hums. “Darlin’, you got it. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.”

Gwen smiles. “You’re so good at making me feel better about this. You’re really kind of magical.”

He chuckles. “You get in your own head too much, I’m just here to remind you to come down every now and then.”

“I haven’t freaked out as much as I thought I would about this.” She admits, a hint of pride and relief dripping off her words. “I mean it sucks they just bombarded this stuff all over the internet, since I haven’t even really informed most of my friends and family yet, but knowing this doesn’t change anything between us is the most important thing right now.”

“Have you given your own official statement yet?” Blake asks. “Is that even a thing? I’m sorry, you’re not exactly talking to an expert here.”

“No, you’re right, usually I would give a statement of my own. I’m thinking about holding off on that for a while though. Doing that is gonna guarantee for your name to come out and I just don’t want to rush anything like that.”

She hopes Blake understands what she’s trying to say and a breath of relief escapes her lips when he proves to do so.

“I have no problem following your lead on this one, baby girl.”

Gwen sighs deeply. “I just want it to be tonight already. I wanna see you.”

“Only a few more hours.” He quips. “How about I let you get back to your work and I go do some groceries. The sooner you’re done, the quicker you can get your ass over here.”

Gwen laughs. “What would we do without your smart ideas?”

“You better not plan on ever finding out.”

\--

The dinner table is elegant in a minimalist sort of way, yet still echoed the natural world outside the manor. The table looks like an elongated ellipse of oak that was smoothed over to perfection. She had tried to outdo herself with the accessorising; the silver cutlery was placed neatly next to the three plates and at each place stood a tall empty wine glass.

Blake had given her some space in the kitchen and at some point she could hear him on the phone with Adam, talking about how he was gonna be there any minute now.

She was nervous. It’s been a long time since she’s had to impress her boyfriend’s family and friends, and something about the way Blake talked about Adam earlier, made her believe the man was pretty much both.

Blake’s smile explodes when there’s a knock on the front door and Gwen fumbles with her fingers nervously. As soon as the door opens, Blake and Adam engulf each other in a long hug and she’s a bit embarrassed to admit that she hoped it would go on for even longer. Blake steps aside after a few minutes and Gwen steps forward before he can introduce her to Adam.

The man has soft green eyes, his shortly trimmed hair looking almost perfect on the younger guy. He carries himself with a certain confidence and charisma that’s different from Blake’s, but not any less prominent.

She holds her hand out for Adam to shake, which he does quickly.

“I’m Gwen, nice to meet you.” She says, holding her breath as she feels his eyes seize her up.

She doesn’t know what Blake told him about her, or if he even said anything past the point of ‘we’re dating’, but she feels like perhaps his earlier image of her doesn’t quite match with what he’s seeing.

He smiles friendly. “Nice to meet you, Gwen. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

 _Oh_.

She shares a quick look with Blake who looks at her lovingly, obviously excited about the two most important people in his life finally meeting.

“That’s Adam’s subtle way of telling us that I’ve been rambling on about you way too much and he’s sick of it.” Blake adds teasingly, earning him a ridiculous look from his friend.

“Out of all the ways you drive me insane, you think _that’s_ what I’m sick of?”

Blake chuckles, holding up his hand in a touché manner.

“Fair.”

“Yeah, I’m always fair, dipshit.”

Gwen laughs and she’s grateful the awkward introduction is over, the ice undoubtedly broken by their banter. She wonders if that’s why Blake did it to begin with.

Some of her nerves evaporated when Adam joined them in the kitchen and went over the various wine bottles Blake had purchased. She found herself genuinely laughing along when his friend made fun of the fact Blake’s certainly not a wine person—and lacked quite a bit of knowledge when it came to buying great ones apparently.

Everyone dispersed quickly when she announced dinner was ready. Adam had taken his seat at the dinner table already when Blake took the private moment to check in with her.

His hand slides from her waist to lower back, his chest pressed against her. The touch is soothing immediately and she leans into his broad frame with a soft sigh.

“You still good?” He whispers, giving her a soft peck on the cheek.

She nods.

“Adam seems nice.”

Blake hums. “He’s great. Now breathe.”

She giggles with a nod before pulling away.

“I’m good, I promise.”

“You need me to do anything?”

She points a finger to the refrigerator. “Put the salad on the table and get the dressing out of there, please?” She tilts her head. “ _And_ kiss me.”

He smirks and leans in, kissing her slowly.

“When he leaves tonight, you’re gonna get more than just a kiss.” He speaks lowly against her lips.

She’s not sure how far he’s willing to take it tonight, but his words leave her with every desire to find out.

She winks at him as he turns towards the fridge.

“So are you, cowboy.”

He growls and grabs the food he’s supposed to bring to the dinner table. “I swear to God, he better eat fast.”

She now understands why he loves Adam so much.

The guy doesn’t know how to beat around the bush and seems to have a genuine understanding of who Blake is as a person. She finds that the tall cowboy she’s fallen so deeply in love with has a thing for people who bring out the most honest version of himself and others. She used to be intimidated by how brave, strong willed and focused he was. He’s passionate and determined, he’s funny and gentle, goofy and playful. A juxtaposition of many things, but still the most beautiful person in the world, she thinks. Adam for sure appreciates those same qualities and harbours many of those himself.

“So Gwen, I hear you’re a fashion designer. Have you thought about giving him any pointers?”

Adam’s gaze goes over Blake’s physique for a dramatic minute, before looking back at her.

Blake shakes his head before flipping him off and Gwen laughs softly. “I think he’s completely fine the way he is.”

Adam snorts. “You must really love him then.”

Gwen takes a sip of her wine, her eyes finding Blake’s. It still sets her afire whenever she looks at him and finds him already staring. It’s that giddy, almost teenage-like feeling that will never stop setting her heart ablaze.

“He’s amazing.” She says genuinely, never breaking Blake’s stare. “It hasn’t always been easy, but I’m grateful even for the moments that weren’t. He’s made me a better person for it.”

Blake’s features soften and she finally breaks their gaze in order not to get emotional. Adam looks at her surprised, her genuine and honest words catching him off guard.

“That’s good.” He says finally, a soft smile creeping onto his lips. “Blake has been through a lot. He deserves to have someone who truly cares about his wellbeing. That’s all I want for him.”

“That’s all I want for him too.” Gwen agrees softly. “That’s what I want to be for him.”

Adam smiles. “Literally, that’s the same thing he told me in regards to you. Word for word.”

Gwen looks back at Blake who suddenly appears a bit bashful, his hand softly rubbing the back of his neck.

“We’re that couple, aren’t we?” She jokes.

Adam jumps in right away. “It’s lowkey disgusting, but I’m happy for you two.”

Gwen feels the heat rise to her cheeks, Adam’s stamp of approval making her feel much more at ease.

“I obviously haven’t known you for a very long time…” Adam continues, his gaze holding Gwen’s. “But I know my friend and he’s always been the happiest when he was talking about you. Even when things weren’t so good…there was a certain spark in his eyes whenever he mentioned you that he didn’t have with anyone else. Maybe that’s why he never let me meet his ex-girlfriend, but it was clear that for him, it was always you.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, the new piece of information forcing a short breath out of her.

“Gabby never met Adam?” She asks softly, stunned.

Blake shakes his head. “Never felt like the right time.”

“And what was it, like a year that you guys dated?” Adam adds.

“It was a complicated relationship.” Blake says, and she recognizes the tone of his voice as the one he uses when he’s not necessarily fond of the subject he’s breaching. “There was a lot going on and a lot to figure out. I just wanted to make sure we were both in this relationship for the right reasons before I let her meet you and I think deep down, I always wondered if perhaps we weren’t.”

Adam nods. “Honestly, from what I’ve heard about her, I’m not exactly sad about never having met the girl.”

As Adam’s unhappiness with Gabby comes to light so honestly, she’s once again confronted with the darker nature of that relationship and she finds herself wanting to wrap around Blake and protect him from any future harm.

She bites her lip before taking another sip from her wine.

“I just wish we found each other sooner.” Gwen quips softly, the musing out loud not necessarily meant for either one, merely a statement that nestled itself so deeply in her heart she barely had the thought to stop it.

“We’re here now.” Blake says, his arm sliding to the back of her chair.

“Yeah.” Adam nods. “And _how_.”

Gwen’s brows raise, her head slightly cocking to the right.

“With the press being all over it and stuff.” He replies. “That’s tough. Especially for Blake, who— “

“ _Adam_.” Blake berates him, cutting him off.

Suddenly feeling like she’s being left out of the loop about something, nerves fill her system again as she squeezes around the stem of her wine glass.

“No please, finish your sentence.” Gwen pleads softly.

“It doesn’t matter.” Blake interrupts, his hand now softly rubbing at her back.

“Then why won’t you let him say it?”

Adam, who takes obvious notice of the sudden awkward tension, throws his hands up.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. It doesn’t really matter, but I thought he’d told you already.”

Blake sighs deeply, the look of regret already portrayed largely on his features. Gwen looks at Blake’s side profile, sensing the tension in his jaw before he relaxes a bit to speak.

“Right after you called me about the article this morning, I got a call from a few clients. Some of them have read it too, and they’re afraid that this sudden media attention is gonna harm their privacy as well. It’s not an ideal thought to think that a bunch of photographers could suddenly show up at their doorsteps, in hopes of catching a glimpse of me now they know I’m with you.”

Gwen’s breath catches, her eyes swivelling back from Adam to Blake. She understands why Blake had kept this piece of information from her, especially today, but she has no way from stopping the news from creeping into the depths of her brain.

“So what…” She whispers. “They don’t want to use your services anymore?”

Blake nods. “Look, it’s okay. It’s only a few clients, they’re minor setbacks, nothing I can’t deal with.”

She appreciates the way Blake is trying to make her feel better about what’s happening, but she knows him. She knows how deep Blake’s love for his profession runs and how much he dedicates to his professionalism. The whole thing hurts her deeply and the effects of that are visibly on every inch of her face.

Blake nudges her. “Darlin’, hey, it’s fine.”

“This guy right here never had a hard time finding new clients.” Adam jumps in. “He just flashes those damn dimples at a few of them and he’s back in business. I wouldn’t worry about him too much.”

Gwen smiles softly, but it’s not enough to get rid of the sunken feeling in her gut.

“I’m so sorry.” She says, looking at Blake with teary eyes.

“Don’t apologize sweetheart. I promise to you, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’m just grateful you’re here right now and I’ve got the two of you here to surround myself with. I gotta say, it makes LA a whole lot more appealing.”

Adam laughs. “You gotta get used to this place at some point, man.”

“Never.”

“He’s lying.” Gwen giggles, feeling some of the tension fade away, though she still holds on to Blake’s hand that she pulled determinedly onto her lap. “I caught him at Jimmy’s coffeehouse without me once.”

“I was just there checking to see if it was a nice place to take my girl.”

Gwen snorts softly. “To the coffeehouse?”

“Oh, you thought I was talking about you?” Blake raises his brow playfully, expecting the soft slap to his upper arm.

“You better watch it.” She warns.

“That’s it, Gwen.” Adam smirks. “Keep that idiot in check.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're reaching the second part of this story, folks. To the ones who are still interested -- there are some things addressed in this chapter that will certainly come back. Some new problems will arise while other ones will get solved. Just like in real life, things don't always go smooth, but that doesn't mean they're not totally worth it in the end. xx


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for being so loving on Twitter, I missed this fandom a lot. I hope everyone's staying safe and keeps from panicking. Here's another distraction for everyone who could use something else to think about these days <3

She walks back into his living room once more and smiles. She takes in the simple contemporary style of his furniture and woodsy decor. Even though she’s not, she feels like she’s home. Her hand smooths over his LP shelf before she feels two strong hands grab onto her waist from behind.

“How was that?” He asks softly, face nuzzling her neck.

She smiles at the slight ticklish feeling of his short beard against her skin.

“Adam is amazing, baby.” She says softly, leaning into his touch. “I was nervous that maybe he wouldn’t like me after everything that happened…but I think we got along pretty great.”

Blake hums. “He knows that despite it all, no one has ever made me feel as much as you do.”

The warm feeling in her chest returns as she eyes the shelf above his broad assortment of music and sees a picture of him with a man that must be his father. The one she’s heard so much about but never got the pleasure to meet. She runs her finger along the edge of wood and over the glass covering the endearing picture.

“I still miss him every day.” Blake hums from behind her, holding on to her still.

Gwen smiles sadly. “I can’t imagine. Where was this?”

“This was right after I moved out here, about six years ago. I went back to Ada for a family dinner and we just took a walk around the lake and talked about all the changes our family was going through at the time. This picture got taken right after we got back to the house, about two hours late.”

Gwen laughs. “They couldn’t have been too happy about that.”

Blake kisses her cheek, lingering there for a few beats.

“My Old man never let anyone tell him what to do.” Blake says with a smile. “I don’t think anyone expected us to be on time when he took me out there with him.”

Gwen hums playfully. “Is that a trait you inherited from him?”

“No, I always follow the rules and I’m a great listener.”

She turns around in his arms, her hands sliding up his chest while cocking her head. They look at each other in silence for a few seconds before bursting out in laughter.

“Sure cowboy, that sounds _very_ much like you.” Gwen exclaims sarcastically.

“It is.” He smiles, laughing lowly under his breath. “Talking about being a great listener, I think I recall us making a promise about what would happen later tonight after dinner...”

Just like that, he turns the mood from playful to sexy, and she gasps when his body moves forward and presses her forcefully against the wall.

“I also recall you telling me earlier that you missed me…. like this.” He weaves his fingers through her hair and pulls a little, smirking when she lets out a quiet moan. “And I missed this too, Gwen. I missed hearing you make that sound for me whenever I slide into you. I missed the way you’d cling to me all night, letting me love on you till the sun comes up.”

He kisses her with so much vigor, she almost misses the moment he uses his hand to undo her pants and shimmy them down her toned legs. She feels the soft material pool at her ankles along with her black lace underwear. She kicks them out of the way without breaking their gaze, even though her eyes are tearing up with anticipation. He speaks a soft demand about wanting her to take her shirt off and she obliges quickly. He slips his left hand behind her back to unhook her bra and gives her hair another small tug. She bites her lip at him and whimpers in enjoyment when he crashes his lips back onto hers.

It’s strangely intimate to stand in front of him naked, while he’s still fully dressed, but she can’t get her voice to work to ask for anything else. His head moves to her neck, nibbling and sucking until red marks appear underneath her skin. Her head is spinning with how good it feels to have him work her body like that, while feeling the broad canvas of his chest pressing her more firmly into the wall.

She uses her hands to finally reach the buttons of his shirt, undoing them hastily until she can slide the piece of fabric of his shoulders. His shirt comes off next and the light sprinkle of chest hair against her naked breasts cause another soft moan to erupt from her throat.

“Jesus, baby.” He groans when she kisses down his neck and chest, hit with the desperate need to see him come undone underneath her touch.

“It’s my turn.” She whispers, smirking when he furrows his brow.

Understanding washes over his face as she sinks herself down onto her knees in front of him, her hands fumbling with the buttons on his jeans. It takes a bit longer to get his pants completely off due to his arousal tenting there and she bites her lip while her stomach clenches.

She eyes his dick, watches in pure amazement as her hand slowly twists and jerks it. Her pule quickens, she takes a breath and licks her lips, smirking because of the many fantasies she’s had that went just like this.

She pauses for a second before sinking her mouth down over him, flicking her tongue against his length. Blake unconsciously grips at her hair, mumbling a string of expletives. She smiles at the sound, using it as motivation to speed up a little. She falls into a wet and unrelenting rhythm while her hand wraps around the base of him.

The way his hips thrust forward and his hand holds onto her hair show her he’s not far from coming and she feels her skin riddle with goosebumps.

“Look up.” He commands softly, voice raw and spent.

He winks at her when she obliges and she can see the way he holds his breath as he watches her mouth take him in.

“God yeah, just like that.” He moans, twisting his hand in her hair again.

They’re staring at each other, and as primal and animalistic as this is, they see the love, need and desire in each other’s eyes. Nothing about this is cruel, no one is being selfish here. She blinks up at him, her eyes tearing up again, but now it’s because he hits the back of her throat each time he thrusts forward.

She sucks one, two more times before he’s spilling hotly into her mouth. He moans her name like she’s the reason for his existence, and in a way, she is.

“Fuck.” He hisses. “You’re so beautiful, Gwen.”

His hands move to her face, cupping her chin and cheek. His thumb swipes along her upper lip, admiring the place he was just in. The slight tug at her neck indicates he wants her to stand up and she does so on shaky legs. The sight of Blake Shelton coming undone had always proven to be a sight for sore eyes and never failed to get her weak in the knees.

She’s pressed back against the wall in the next second as he grabs her knees with rough hands. She moans as she feels him pulling her legs apart and she glides her own hands over his shoulders as she wraps herself around his waist.

He nuzzles her for a moment and then contemplates their situation.

“Baby, please fuck me.” She whispers against his neck.

He chuckles.

“You want me to fuck you right here? Against the wall?” He nips at her lips and nudges her nose, the tip of his dick already aimed at her entrance and it’s just too much.

“Please.” She whispers again, trying to rock her hips into him to force the issue, but he just moves back.

“I want to get you upstairs, in my bed…” He says lowly, both of his hands cupping her cheeks while he kisses her chastely. “I want to lay you down, take my time tasting you, and _then_ fuck you. All night. Deep and slow, just how you like it.”

Her head falls back at his seducing words and she can’t do anything to keep a whimper from escaping her mouth.

She’s grateful when he doesn’t make her beg again, her reaction to his words enough reassurance for him. He walks her upstairs like she weighs nothing, not stopping until he reaches his bedroom.

The way he works his way down her body is almost criminal, the way his sheets feel on her bare skin illegal and she just doesn’t understand how _everything_ can feel this good. A loud scream erupts from her throat when his tongue darts out to taste her there and she can do nothing but hold on to his pillow while her other hand clutches his head as he makes her cum so quick and selflessly.

She tugs him upward, needing to kiss him and needing to feel him inside like yesterday. He stills against her, not giving her what she needs yet and her mind feels like it’s flying over the deep end. She can feel him twitching against her, and everytime he does, she groans because it forces him to slip up and down her slit. She’s never wanted anything more in her life. She grips the sides of his head, looks into his cloudy eyes and nods.

A low laugh escapes him as he rubs his nose against hers. She loves how he’s making this moment more than just a rough fuck, like they’ve had before, but she’s tortured by how long he takes to get inside her.

She’s still staring into his eyes when he finally thrusts into her. her head flies back into his pillow, a high-pitched version of his name flying out of her mouth. She watches his pupils dilate and darken as he gets used to the feeling of her surrounding him so tightly.

He takes his time, working up a generous pace until she’s a trembling and moaning mess beneath him.

“Look at me.” He drawls, and she’s always overwhelmed by Blake’s need for eye contact whenever they do this. Her head snaps up and he smiles at her. “Good girl.”

He hooks his arm around her, holding her in place, supporting her fully as he bends his head and sucks one of her nipples in his mouth. He continues kissing and lapping at her chest and thrusting into her deep and steady, until her moans become a continuous string of curses and her hands clutch at his back and shoulders desperately.

Her body rocks and bucks with the intense need to find sweet release, her fingers leaving angry marks up and down his back.

“Blake…” She whimpers. “Please, baby.”

“Please, what?” He kisses her cheek and nose, desperate to kiss her even though he doesn’t. “Ask me.”

Her eyes roll backwards and she tightens her grip on him even more. “Blake, please make me cum.”

“Fuck, yes.” He spits, and his voice sounds like his throat is lined with gravel.

They work together until they both find their release, holding onto each other tightly when they fly over the edge. Gwen’s head snaps back once more, struggling to breathe when Blake kisses her through her orgasm. He works her until she’s got nothing more to give and Blake’s equally spent and wrung out.

She’s grateful he didn’t give into her request to fuck her against the wall as she’s able to curl into him on his bed and hold him close while they both come down.

She mumbles something against his chest, not even sure it makes sense, but it feels like love. Blake’s hand strokes through her hair gently, causing her to lift her head up to him. He smiles when she catches his eyes and presses a soft kiss to her lips.

There’s a silence for a moment, both breathing heavily and basking in the intensity of their amazement. It’s never been like this and neither have to verbalize that for it to be a known fact.

“I love you.” She says softly, her body weak and heavy as it lays nearly on top of Blake.

She feels him smile against the top of her head, before he kisses her there.

“I love you too, baby. Thanks for tonight and I’m not just talking about this.”

Gwen smiles contently.

This is all she wants—all his nights.

\--

“You ready?”

“Been ready.” Blake retorts, as she sports a smirk on his face.

She knows he’s poking fun at how long it took her to get ready this morning, but she’d never stayed over at his house before. It had taken her longer than usual to find where everything was located, plus Blake proved to be quite the distraction whenever he was around…

She doesn’t know if it’s because they’re still relatively new to this relationship, or if it’s because they’re making up for lost time, but she can’t even count the amount of times they’ve slept together in the span of twelve hours.

She had woken up in the middle of the night by Blake’s teasing touches that led to another round of love making, and she had pushed him down to the ground with her this morning when he was changing into his clothing. Right when she was about to take a shower, she felt Blake’s frame press against her from behind before she was being pushed against the cold glass as he had his way with her again.

Gwen can’t complain. _Won’t_ complain. Being intimate with Blake is the best thing she’s ever felt and she would gladly walk around with a bit of soreness between her legs if that meant having him like that forever—and often.

“Good, because I could really use a macchiato right now.”

Blake chuckles. “If that’s a fancy word for coffee, I’m all in.”

“Kinda.” She laughs, biting her lip.

He notices the gesture immediately and walks closer to her, both hands placed on her hip.

“What’s that look for?” He asks lowly, fingers softly kneading her waist.

“Nothing. You’re just very cute.”

Blake’s eyes widen. “Is that so?”

“Hmmm.” She hums, giggling when he starts to kiss her neck.

When he finds that spot that makes her knees buckle and tears a moan straight from her throat, she finally starts pushing at his chest. “Blake, no baby, I’m serious I need my coffee.”

Blake grunts as he lets go, rubbing his mouth. “Cock blocked by a damn _macchiato_.”

He draws the word out so dramatically, she’s not even sure if he’s saying the correct word anymore. She smiles up at him while patting his chest reassuringly.

“You’ll be okay.”

The tiny coffee house huddled despondent among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast sky, hunched in itself, it’s doing a pretty good at maintaining a bit of privacy. That didn’t stop the place from being filled till it’s capacity, people coming and going. The interior was warm and cheery, bright lights and colourful walls inviting them as they sat at the small table. It feels safe and homey here, which is a nice juxtaposition from most things LA had to offer. She immediately understands why this is a place Blake likes to come often as well.

The coffee place was run by an ex-army cook who found his love for coffee beans and mindless chatter. She didn’t have to ask for that information, as it was the first thing that greeted them in the shape of a sign on the door. Again, it was the sort of thing Blake ached for; simplicity and genuine human interaction.

“What are you thinking about, darlin’?” Blake asks, taking a sip of his coffee.

It still surprises her sometimes, the way he looks at her like that. Like she’s the only thing in the world that matters, the one thing that lights his world and makes him believe in it being a better place than it genuinely is.

“I’m thinking about how much my life has changed in these last few months.”

Blake smiles. “Only in a good way, I hope.”

She reaches for his free hand and holds on to his fingers.

“In _all_ the ways.” She says, giving him a soft smile. “But you’re definitely responsible for all the ways it improved for the better.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not true. You’ve worked like hell for everything to finally turn around. It wouldn’t be right of me to take all the credit.”

“I’ve never felt this cared for, this nurtured.” She admits softly, squeezing his hand. “I’ve never been this crazy about someone and I damn sure never felt the things you make me feel.”

Blake’s eyes soften. “That’s all I want to do.”

“I’m serious.” She says, shaking her head. “You don’t even understand how crazy it is for me to…” Her voice trails off, a flush colouring her features.

He cocks his head. “What’s crazy for you?”

Her voice drops into a low whisper, her eyes focusing on the gentle expression on his face.

“When I say you make me feel things I’ve never felt before, I mean that. The way you touch me…. I guess I’m just trying to tell you that things haven’t always been so great for me and it’s nice to have someone be more selfless like you are, if you know what I’m saying.”

She’s trying not to break eye contact with him despite her blushing. She feels sorry for being so vague with him, but she didn’t intend to breach this subject out in public.

Blake’s gaze keeps holding hers and she can see the wheels turning in his brain.

“Baby, I’m trying to follow you here and I think….” He bites his lip before leaning into her space a little bit. “Are you saying you never orgasmed before or something?”

“Oh my god!” She gasps, grabbing his arm softly. “Blake, no…I…. we shouldn’t be talking about this here.”

She looks around a bit shocked and she feels Blake’s fingers reassuringly smooth across her wrist.

“Darlin, can you hear this place? There’s enough chatter going on to disguise a bomb going off basically. No one is gonna hear, or even _care_ to listen in on our conversation.”

She shakes her head, laughing under her breath.

“It’s not even that important, I don’t know why I brought it up.”

Even if she hoped it would be enough for Blake to drop it, she knew he wouldn’t. All it did was buy her a little more time to say what she wished had never been part of her past.

“I think it _is_ important.” He counters softly, continuing to stroke her arm. “Will you tell me, please?”

She bites her lip, the softness in which he speaks to her and the way he just asked her, making her resolve weaken on the spot.

“It’s not that I never…. _you know_?” She says, and Blake’s simple nod shows her that he’s following so far. “It’s just that…my ex-husband, he was pretty dominant, pretty selfish. In every aspect of our lives really, but it didn’t exclude the bedroom.”

“So he sucked.” Blake continues softly. “And not in a good way.”

Gwen bites back a smile.

“Not always.” She admits. “But he was rough, too rough at times. I would tell him I didn’t appreciate it and he would tell me I was being boring and didn’t care about his needs.”

She can see the clenching of Blake’s jaw.

“Would he hurt you?”

She swallows roughly. “Sometimes. He would slap me, call me names. It’d make me feel like that was all I was good for to him, like being that rough with me was the only way he could enjoy having sex with me.”

“I hate him.” Blake growls. “What do you mean he slapped you? You mean he spanked you?”

“I mean he slapped me.” She corrects him. “Usually in the face, sometimes elsewhere if it made sense in the moment.”

“ _Baby_ ….” Blake sighs, his eyes watering while she can still see the tension around his mouth and cheeks.

“I’m fine now, I promise. I’m just telling you this to show you how much I appreciate you being different. How good you make me feel.”

Though she can tell he’s not totally convinced, and he probably shouldn’t be, she takes solace in the way he smiles at her softly.

“Is that why you were so freaked out when I wanted to take things a bit slower?” He asks.

She nods gently. “It brought me back to this place of not feeling desired, only feeling wanted when it wasn’t right, when it would hurt. Even though I knew you’d never do the things he did to me, it still felt like you suddenly weren’t attracted to me anymore.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that.” He says softly, his teeth biting down into his bottom lip.

“Don’t be sorry.” She retorts. “That wasn’t on you. You were just doing the right thing; I can see that now. A part of me could always see that, even when it hurt.”

She can tell the words visibly relax him, and she suddenly wants to spend no more time with him out in public. Both have to get back to their work schedules tomorrow and she wants to take full advantage of having Blake to herself all day. Whether that’s cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, or together in bed, she doesn’t care.

“Let’s get out of here.” She says, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

“To your place?” He asks.

She shakes her head. “Can we go back to yours?”

A bright smile takes over his handsome features now.

“Sure we can, baby.”

Blake holds the door open for her as they exit the small cafeteria, and the sun shines down brightly on her face as they walk down the parking lot to his car. They’ve barely set food there before multiple flashes start going off, her eyes identifying at least six of them before she’s momentarily blinded by flashes.

She feels Blake tense beside her as his arm snakes around her back, and she doesn’t know whether it’s to seek comfort or offer some, but either way she doesn’t condemn it. Her right hand clutches at the fabric of his shirt when she feels him stray a bit, and she doesn’t know if he’s trying to suddenly give her space or if he’s ready to go off on the paparazzi.

A few of them are shouting, the voices mixing and talking through each other making it hard to hear all of it clearly, but she can make out multiple questions about who Blake is and how long they’ve been together.

Though she’s been a public figure for a while, she’s never had to deal with paparazzi in this way. Never did they chase her down the street or yell inappropriate things at her. The only times where that would happen were events, and even then, most of them were pretty tame.

“Please give us some room.” Gwen speaks sternly, avoiding eye contact with any of them and refusing to give them a picture worth it sales.

She’s grateful Blake keeps leading them through the herd of people and she sighs in relief when she watches Blake’s truck get into view. He finally let’s go of her to unlock his car and holds the door open for her. She doesn’t hesitate to climb in, taking another deep breath when he closes it and the outdoor sounds evaporate for the most part.

Blake gets in a few seconds later, starting the engine and hitting the honk a few times excessively, backing out rather aggressively as he’s obviously angered by the lack of respect and invasion of privacy they just endured.

It’s not until they’re out of the parking lot completely and heading down the highway, that she finally speaks again.

“I’m so sorry about that.” She whispers, her eyes looking out of the windshield. “If I had known it would be this bad, I wouldn’t have taken you out in public with me yet.”

“That’s no way to live.” He answers, his face rather stoic.

“You’re angry.”

“Not with you.” He counters.

She bites her lip. “I should’ve warned you. I would’ve warned you if I knew— “

“Gwen, it’s okay.” He interrupts harshly. “It’s not your fault and I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what’s going on?” She asks, taking notice of his sudden tense demeanour and not willing to drop it. “Because you’re obviously upset and you should tell me about it. Don’t go shutting me out now.”

He sighs deeply. “I’m not shutting you out. I’m just trying to process how to deal with all of this.”

“It’s a lot, I know that.”

“It is.”  
  
Gwen looks down at her lap, a heavy feeling pressing against her chest.

“What can I do?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“ _Blake_ …”

“Just spend time with me at home.” He adds, looking at her briefly and she can see some of the anger lessening when he takes in her worried features. “Just be with me. That’s all I want right now. All I need.”

Gwen nods strongly. “I’m here.”

He looks out at the road in front of him, his jaw still locking every now and then underneath the tension he feels. She can tell he’s trying to mentally prepare himself for a storm he underestimated and it causes a whole new one to brew inside of her.

His hand slides over to her thigh, squeezing reassuringly, as if he’s convincing them both it will be alright. His hand lays there for the rest of the drive as he takes another deep breath in.

“Thank God.”


	26. Chapter 26

Her piercing brown eyes are looking up at him reassuringly, her arm snaking around his back.

He’s met families of whoever he was dating before, but never were the stakes this high. Not to mention the fact that her Dad seems less than fond of him. He wants to leave a positive impression on her mother at least, especially since Gwen seems particularly close to the woman.

It’s a big step for them to even be here today, knowing Gwen’s less than eager to take big and permanent steps in a relationship. They’re turning a tide here and they both know it; there’s no going back now and though he’s undoubtedly ready, he just hopes things will go smoothly for once and won’t scare them—mostly Gwen—back into retreating.

“My Mom will love you.” She quips confidently, nudging him. “My Dad isn’t home and won’t be for another day. He’s spending the weekend with his brother in Montana.”

Blake nods. 

“You’re right, darlin’. It’s going to be fine.”

She hugs herself closer to him and he’s able to exhale because of her closeness. It’s always been like that for him; he finds liberation in her presence.

“Ready?” She asks one last time, walking up the tiny steps of her parent’s patio.

“Ready.”

She rings the doorbell once and the older woman opens the door like she’d been standing and waiting behind it. Both women squeal in delight and he watches them move forward and hugging each other in a tight embrace. He stands back and looks at the pure interaction, waiting until Gwen takes the opportunity to introduce him.

“Mom, this is Blake.” Gwen says softly after they pull away, her hand reaching down to grab his.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Blake.” Patti says, offering him a small smile. “Gwen has told me a lot about you, it’s been a real surprise in many ways.”

“Nice to meet you, ma’am.” Blake replies, holding out his free hand for the older woman to shake.

She shakes her head.

“None of that, and you don’t have to call me ma’am. Patti works just fine.”

He’s being hugged tightly by the woman before he can say anything else and he feels Gwen’s hand slip out of his as she stands back with a smile. He’s relieved to see this interaction going much smoother than the one he’s had with her father a while ago. When he pulls back from her Mom, he’s sporting a big smile of his own.

“Thank you for inviting me to your home, Patti.”

Her mother smiles when she realizes Blake is calling her by her name and pats his arm sweetly.

“It’s my pleasure. Let’s sit down so you can tell me all about how you two met and such.”

Gwen gives him a quick wink, biting her lip.

“After you.”

\--

“Gwen told me you worked on her house the first time you two met.” Patti says, both hands wrapped around her coffee mug.

“Yes. She hired me to remodel her kitchen. It all sounds much crazier than it is, to be honest. Your daughter and I had a very genuine connection from the start, I’m just glad it got to blossom into what it is today.”

He catches Gwen smiling out of the corner of his eye.

“She’s under quite a lot of attention recently.” Her mother states softly. “Are you sure you’re ready for that, Blake?”

Blake smiles at the older woman, understanding her need for affirmation. He realizes that Gwen’s fears must’ve translated into her mother and he’s determined to ease them both.

“I know Gwen is a public figure and dating her comes with certain conditions. In all honesty, I don’t care about that one bit. I love your daughter, have from the moment I saw her, and no amount of media coverage can change that.”

It’s Patti’s turn to smile.

“Sounds like you both have found what you were looking for.”

“I’ve never been this happy or in love.” Gwen says, holding her Mom’s gaze. “It’s really quite scary to be _this_ deep in with someone. It’s what I’ve been praying for.”

Blake can hardly contain the love that wells up in his chest, his heart beating fast.

“I know none of this will be easy, but I can assure you that I will never stop caring or loving your daughter.”

Her Mom exhales deeply. “I just want her to be happy. It sounds like she is.”

Patti stands up and offers them both another drink. Gwen turns her body to face Blake as soon as they’re alone.

“I told you; she loves you.”

Blake smiles. “Your Mom is amazing.”

He watches the skin around her eyes crinkle when she smiles and he needs to actively keep himself from pulling her in and kissing her senseless.

“Thank you so much for being here today, Blake. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”

He reaches for her hand, settling on the second best thing.

“I’m all in. Forever.”

He can tell she’s struggling with the same thing he is, the electric pull between them always this powerful force that got them into trouble more than once.

Their magnetic pull gets interrupted by the sound of the front door unlocking, causing both to look up. He catches the panicked expression on Gwen’s face and tries his best to smooth it down by keeping his own expression neutral.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing home so early?” Patti exclaims from the kitchen, walking out to greet her husband.

“Peter had to defuse a situation between Ali and John, so he had to leave a day sooner. I decided to take an early flight home and surprise you. Did I see Gwen’s car in the drive?”

Her mother hums sweetly. “Yes. She and Blake are both here. Go say hi.”

Gwen turns her face to Blake again, mouthing a quick apology and standing up to greet her father. Blake stands next to her, a soft hand on her back.

“Dad.” She says, lacking the excitement she had when she was faced with her mother earlier.

“Gwen.”

The interaction is tense and forced, and Blake can do nothing but show his support by staying close to her. The moment her Dad turns his attention to him, he can tell there’s a bunch of animosity brewing in his eyes. Blake tries hard to keep the tension in check, wanting things to go smoothly for Gwen.

“Sir.” Blake acknowledges the older man, reaching out for a handshake.

He’s partially surprised when her father reacts to the handshake with a firm one of his own, the look on the older man’s face still not promising a lot of good.

“We didn’t think you’d be here.” Gwen says, eying her father intensely.

He cocks his head at her, chuckling.

“ _What_ , you wouldn’t have come by if you’d known I’d come home?”

Gwen pushes her tongue against her front teeth.

“Probably not.”

“Dennis, why don’t you and I finish up these drinks in the kitchen, huh? Leave these two alone for a bit.” Patti says softly, looking at them with a look of understanding.

“I barely see my daughter as it is.” Dennis retorts, giving Gwen an accusatory look. “Why don’t we sit and talk.”

They end up sitting back down on the couch, Dennis sitting squarely in front of them in the lounge chair while Patti disappears back in the kitchen. The mood is tight and Blake can feel Gwen tensing up beside him.

It dawns on him that neither of the adults in the room have a clue where to go from here, and Blake’s hit with the overwhelming urge to fix things.

“Mr. Stefani?”

Dennis’s attention shifts back to him and he smiles gently at the older man. He can sense Gwen’s head turning to him as well.

“I just want to express another time how grateful I am to be invited over. I know you have some concerns about me dating your daughter and I would love to talk those over with you. I want to make Gwen happy and I’m confident I can do that.”

Gwen smiles proudly at him and that look alone is enough to ease his worst nerves.

“My wife had the courtesy to invite you.” Dennis responds. “I’m glad you think you can make my daughter happy, but unfortunately that’s not all that matters here.”

“It is.” Gwen interrupts. “That’s literally all that matters.”

Dennis shakes his head.

“You’re a public figure for crying out loud. The media is already having a field day with you, and for what? This romance novel love affair? Come on Gwen, use your brain here.”

Blake can feel the frustration boiling in his chest, but wills it all down in favour of the woman sitting next to him. He doesn’t want to continue on a bad foot with her father, but changing that doesn’t appear to become an easy task.

“I love him.” Gwen says softly, shaking her head. “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Because I’m trying to protect you, Gwen.” Her father says loudly. “Because I can see where this is going and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to fall for an _idea_ and then fall to pieces when you realize it can never be what you made it out to be in your head.”

He watches as tears form in Gwen’s eyes, a few of them spilling down her cheeks.

“I’m a grown woman.” She dismisses angrily. “You wanna step in and be the Dad I need? Then just be happy for me. Respect the fact that I found someone who genuinely likes me for me and doesn’t need me to be someone I’m not. Be happy that I finally found someone I feel safe with, who makes me feel every day what it’s like to be loved.”

Blake stares at the man long and hard, as if he can see every answer right there on his face. Instead he’s met with a coldness that gives him shivers and a defiance that makes his blood boil. It has never taken him this long to convince someone of his worth and he doesn’t know why, but he craves the acceptance of her father more than he likes to admit.

“I think you’re making a mistake, Gwen. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why you’re being so damn stubborn about it.”

Dennis gets up from where he’s seated while Gwen sinks back further into the couch. Blake can tell she’s frustrated and heartbroken by her father’s lack of support and he wishes he could take all that pain away from her.

Dennis walks out of the living room, despite Patti walking in and trying to defuse the situation. Her mother looks at them both apologetically before sitting down again.

“I’m sorry about that.” Patti says softly, wincing. “He’s a very stubborn man.”

Blake nods. “I just want to reiterate that my intentions with Gwen are pure. Have always been.”

“Oh darling.” Patti says reassuringly, reaching her hand out to Blake. “I’m well aware of that. I’ve never seen Gwen bring anyone home who’s looked at her the way you look at her. It’s beautiful.”

He smiles and turns to Gwen, his heart hurting at her expression.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispers softly, eyes moving up to meet his gaze. “That was horrible of him. I don’t even know what to say.”

He pulls her closer with his hand until she’s pressed tightly against his side.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He informs her softly.

Patti smiles weakly at her daughter, the whole room feeling a bit deflated.

Blake grimaces when he pulls himself away from Gwen, pushing himself up off the couch. He motions for Gwen to stay seated while looking at the two women gently.

“Excuse me for a moment. I would like to talk to your Dad man to man, I think we deserve that.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “Blake, no you don’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I do.”

Patti smiles at him proudly.

“He’s probably having a smoke in the backyard.” She says.

He can hear Gwen sighing anxiously and he takes one more look at her.

“Trust me.” He winks, hoping to convey a certain confidence he doesn’t feel in the moment.

As he walks out of the room, he feels the air in his lungs lessen with each step. He’s still trying to process everything that was said in her father’s emotional tirade. It takes everything in him to not turn around and leave when he spots Dennis standing in the backyard, sporting a cigarette while staring out into the distance.

He slides open the two large doors and gently clears his throat to indicate his arrival.

Dennis turns back to look at him, the features on his face hardening upon noticing his presence.

“Blake.”

“I was hoping we could talk in private for a minute.”

Dennis shrugs. “We can. I just don’t think it will change my mind.”

Blake nods, standing still next to the older man and staring at the green landscape in front of him.

“It’s a beautiful place you have here.” Blake observes, both hands sliding into his pockets.

Dennis hums. “Build in 1960’s. I heard that the people who moved in here before us walked in and still found a telephone with a large dialling disk and cable dangling from the receiver.”

“Sounds like they had a real hard time with change.”

The older man turns to him knowingly.

“My daughter has a complicated life. I don’t have anything against you, Blake. I really don’t. I just don’t think she’s allowing herself to live in reality. How do you see this working out in the long run? You’re not gonna run for the hills when your business starts to undeniably suffer underneath all this? Or when your privacy gets invaded to the point where you can’t walk the streets in peace? Of course you are.”

“I love your daughter. All the things you’ve just mentioned are things we’ve already talked about, things we’ve taken into consideration. The thing is, all of that comes secondary. Would I love for all these things to not be true? Of course, I think it would make all of our lives a whole lot easier. But that’s not what matters to me most.”

“Then what does?” Her father pushes.

“She does.”

“I believe you really think that— “

“—With all due respect...” Blake cuts him off. “That’s what I know. Earlier last year, I lost my Dad. Liver cancer. I remember one of the last conversations I had with him, he told me that once it’s right, you’ll know. I always thought he was just sayin’ that, you know? But then I met Gwen. I had this quick moment where I felt _everything_ ; love, hate, fear, disappointment, excitement—all in those first few seconds of meeting her. And then it was calm. I felt a certain peace whenever I was around her, even when it was chaos. I still do.”

“And you think she feels that way too?”

“I know she does. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about your daughter is that she’s not one to fake anything. She did everything you would’ve expected her to do. She pushed me away, tried to convince herself of all the ways this wouldn’t work, ignored me, you name it.”

“Right.” Her Dad says pointedly.

“But she also came back. I’m not saying that everything about our situation is ideal, but I know what I bring to the table. I know I can make her happy and I’ll spend the rest of my life doing that. I’m not asking you to like me, but I _am_ asking you to respect me and the relationship I have with Gwen. That’s the least she deserves.”

Dennis’s twinkling eyes are framed by thick brown eyebrows, the deep wrinkles on his forehead showing the depths of his worries despite his very agile and mobile facial features.

“You really love her that much?”

“More than I have the vocabulary to tell you.” Blake admits.

“Do you have children?” Dennis asks.

“No, Sir. Maybe one day though.”

“Dennis.” The older man says suddenly, turning his gaze back to him. “You can call me Dennis.”

A surge of relieve overtakes him. He doesn’t know exactly what this means, whether they’re about to turn a corner, and part of him is almost too nervous to find out.

He just looks at the man and nods, recognizing his gentle request.

“I gotta say Blake, I respect you coming out here to talk to me. Maybe I was wrong about you after all, maybe I was too quick to judge.”

The first genuine smile since talking to her father appears on his face.

“I appreciate that.”

Dennis holds his hand out to him again.

“Let’s start over, how about that?”

Blake nods when he shakes his hand for the second time that day.

“I’ll judge you purely by the way you treat Gwen. I know I come off as an asshole, but that’s not my goal here. I just want to protect my only daughter.”

“I know that. You and I want the same thing.”

Dennis nods. “Fair enough.”

Her father pats his back once, leaving Blake feeling incredibly victorious.

The sky didn’t suddenly open, and her father didn’t all the sudden embrace him with two strong arms, but the mutual respect felt like an eternal exchange that put a smooth balm over all the places on his skin that were too sore to push. The conversation left him feeling calmer than he’s felt in years, like a tornado raging inside him that was finally allowed to stop its destructing path.

Gwen is the first one to stand up when he enters back into the living room, her father close behind.

“Everything okay?” She asks worriedly, though there’s a certain calmness in her eyes that he doesn’t understand.

As if she already knows.

“Yeah.” Blake whispers sweetly, taking her in his arms. “Everything’s perfect.”

“He’s a good guy, Gwen.” Her father exclaims quietly, her eyes widening in surprise.

“I know he is.” She answers, the walls around her heart not quite crumbling down at her father’s peace offering.

Dennis nods, motioning with his hand for her to come forward.

Blake lets her go, arms falling back to his sides while she hesitantly takes a step away from him. He smiles when he realizes she’s having trouble leaving his side.

“I think I owe you an apology.” Her father states carefully, his hand reaching out to his daughter. “I wanted to protect you from more pain but failed to realize all that did was cause you that pain myself. Blake is a stand up guy and I’m happy for the both of you.”

Blake can’t keep his eyes off Gwen, who seems to be at a loss for words.

“I’m happy for you, Gwen.” Dennis continues. “But more importantly, I can tell that _you_ are, which as a parent is the only thing I can ask for.”

“You offended the man that I love right in front of the both of us, more than once.” She reminds him, her voice strained.

“I know. I’m sorry about that.”

“You should tell him that.”

“I did.” He nods.

“I didn’t hear it.”

Her father’s features soften, the older outlines of his face suddenly becoming more noticeable. It’s as if in that moment, he realizes not only the role he plays in Gwen’s life, but the powerful woman he raised by his own values and morals.

Blake smiles gently when Dennis reaches out his hand for him once more. A soft and graceful smile tugging at his lips.

“Once again, I would like to formally apologize to you, Blake.”

Blake catches Gwen’s eyes, sensing her emotions are starting to overflow.

“No hard feelings, Sir.”

“Dennis.” Her father reminds him.

Blake chuckles.

“My bad.”

\--

Gwen popped out of the kitchen and into the living room with a beer bottle in her hands and a soft smile on her features. He was still pinching himself about getting to spend time in her house for personal reasons instead of business ones and his hands itch to feel her body again.

Luckily, she seems to be on the same page. She saunters over to where he’s standing in front of the window, staring out over her gorgeously neat backyard. Her hands slide across his waist, while her chin pokes into his chest.

“This day…” She whispers, doe eyes looking up at him from under her lashes.

He chuckles while nodding, completely understanding her short and cut off sentence.

“I know you were freaking out.” He speaks softly, tracing the spine of her back with his finger. “You can let it out now, you know.”

“I was.” She admits, giving him the barest hint of a smile. “At first. But Blake, my God, the way you handled that…I think you really got through to him.”

She presses her lips together for a moment. “I can’t believe how great you were.”

He grins.

“Technically, you don’t know how great I was. For all you know, I could’ve been a real dumbass while standing outside with your Dad.”

Gwen shakes her head shyly, biting her lip.

“I might’ve told my mom I wanted to get a refill in the kitchen.” She murmurs against his chest, one of her hands moving up slightly to trace his ribcage. “I heard you say a few things, and oh my god Blake, it was the best thing ever. ‘You need to respect what I have with Gwen’, like there was gonna be a problem if he didn’t? That really did something to me, cowboy.”

Blake can’t help but chuckle again, the way she slightly exaggerates the course of events somehow incredibly adorable.

“I know how much his opinion matters to you.” Blake says. “Even when you said it didn’t. I just wanted him to know that what we’ve got here is not something irresponsible. We are good together, I don’t care who sees or who doesn’t, but I do need people to respect it. Respect you. That’s all I wanted to accomplish here.”

She shakes her head as if she can’t believe he’s real and leans forward, kissing his chin.

The act makes him stop in his tracks. There’s something incredibly soft in the tenderness of her kiss and though he’s used to much more of that from her now, it still manages to shift the axis of his entire universe. He swallows hard before trapping her between his body and the wall. He grins when he sees her chest rising and falling more rapidly than before.

He dips his head until his forehead is touching hers. “I love you.”

He can tell she’s taking notice of the shift in his demeanour and he smiles at the way she’s so in tune with him. He watches as the intensity in his eyes causes her breathing to come out more shallow.

“Blake.” She whispers softly, her small hands gripping onto his arms.

He’s sliding his hand past the waistband of her jeans, popping the button with one skilled flick of his fingers. She bucks up at him when his fingers find her wet heat beneath her panties.

He pushes a quick but gentle finger into her and kisses her softly. He’s determined to help her release some of the tension she harboured in her body these last few hours.

His lips pry hers apart and his tongue tangles determinedly against hers. All the nerves and adrenaline from before seems to come out in this moment, but neither one complains about the heightened passion. He feels her trying to tug at his belt, but he just shakes his head.

“Not about me.” He mumbles against her lips, chuckling when she pouts. “Later, I promise.”

She slides her hands upwards and clutches the sides of his face, obeying and letting him take the lead. Her body rocks up at him, her breathing quickening. Her voice wavers in pitch and volume as he brings her closer to the edge.

“ _Oh my god_.” She whimpers. “Blake, I’m— “

“I know, baby.” He speaks lowly against her lips. “That’s the idea.”

He kisses her again and grunts once, twisting his wrist and squeezing his thumb into place against her clit. He rubs her fast, catching her whimpers in his mouth. He shivers as he feels her body tighten. He can feel her convulsions around his fingers and for a blissful moment, he knows he’s found Heaven on Earth.

“Darlin’.” He whispers. “Let go.”

She obeys, because she lost the ability to deny him anything a long time ago and her back arches. She screams and grips his head tightly, shaking against him as her orgasm rips and rolls through her. He pushes her back against the wall to make sure she’s stable as it takes longer than usual for the tension and pleasure to begin to subside. Breathlessly she rolls her hips in circles as he slowly thrusts and twists his fingers, prolonging her climax and letting her ride it out.

“Oh my god, Blake.”

The slight tremor in her voice indicates to him that she can’t take it anymore and he slowly pulls his fingers out. He keeps his eyes on her as he brings his hand to his mouth and sucks both fingers slowly. A satisfied moan escapes his mouth and Gwen continues to look at him with dark pupils.

“You taste so fucking amazing.”

She runs her fingers through his hair while catching her breath.

“Jesus Blakey, what are you doing to me?”

He grins sheepishly.

“Just trying to make you feel good, sweetheart.”

She hums, the sound almost a soft purr. “I hope you don’t plan on going anywhere tonight.”

“Not planning on going anywhere, baby.”

He can’t even begin to explain how much he means that.


	27. Chapter 27

“Are you sure about this?” Devine asks, her brand-manager since a year – and when did her life get this out of control?

Gwen wets her lips with her tongue.

“He wants to take me back to his hometown. There’s no way I can keep this relationship under the wraps for much longer. They already have his picture, it’s only a matter of time before they figure out the rest. Best if it comes from us, less lies and deception that way.”

“And he’s sure he’s ready for that kind of thing?”

Gwen takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“He says he is.” She replies quietly. “We don’t really have a choice. We want to live our lives normally and this cloud hovering over us isn’t doing any good. Let’s just throw this whole thing wide open and ride out this damn wave. The sooner we do that, the quicker it’s all over and things die down again.”

“I know you hate things being this out of control.” Her manager says. “It’s difficult, no one is gonna deny that. It’s gonna be worth it though, you’re just at this point in your career where you’re making a prominent shift from public figure into celebrity status. It’s an adjustment.”

“It’s stressful.”

Devine hums on the other end of the line. “That it is.”

“Let’s just get this statement out of the way.”

“Have you thought about what you want it to say?”

“Let’s just make it clear that Blake and I are in no way looking for public attention, but since we know it’s gonna come out eventually, we want to let people know we indeed are dating. We’re happy and we want people to leave us alone. Something like that.”

Her manager chuckles. “That’s a statement that’s gonna need a bunch of tweaking’, but I get what you’re saying.”

“And we can use Blake’s full name, but everything other than that is unnecessary. No personal information, job details. I just want to protect him from that as much as I can.”

“People are gonna find out eventually.”

“Then make sure we don’t help them along.”

He agrees softly.

“When do you think you’ll be taking this trip with him to his hometown?” He asks.

Gwen feels heavy and sad about having to plan this trip this way and leave so little of their relationship private, even to her manager, but she’s realistic enough to know there’s no other way. She pushes away the feeling of being monitored and combs through her brain at the last conversation she had with Blake.

“He was hoping for as soon as next Tuesday. It depends on the workload back in the office.”

“I’m sure they can miss you for a couple of days. You’re the boss lady, Gwen, you’re always due a vacation.”

Gwen snorts. “Yeah right.”

“I’ll make sure we send you a statement later today; you can read it over before we post it officially.”

Gwen nods. “I appreciate it, D.”

“Just relax, things will blow over before you know it.”

She knows he’s just saying that to make her feel better, but she doesn’t call his bluff. She needs desperately to hold on to something—even if it’s a lie.

“I know.”

\--

**Gwen Stefani’s mystery man REVEALED.**

_With rumours that just wouldn’t stop swirling and swoon worthy pictures that nearly broke the internet, Gwen Stefani (36) finally confirms new relationship with mystery man, Blake Shelton._

_Details about how the two have met stay vague, but a reliable source confirms that they have been hanging out for months and are starting to get ‘really serious’._

_Gwen Stefani, designer and fashion mogul, gives the following statement:_

_‘Blake and I are having a blast. He’s my best friend and undoubtedly one of the most important people in my life. I feel strongly about protecting that relationship._   
_We have been trying to live life outside of the public eye and will continue to do so.”_

_The designer ends her statement with a cheery ‘I’m happy’._

_After all the heartache and turmoil the quickly rising superstar has gone through, we’re all looking at this new relationship with heart eyes._

_“It’s a love story for the books—for sure’, a reliable source revealed recently._

_Awwww._

She spent an agonizing forty-five minutes in LA traffic, before finally pulling up at his house. She knows he hates driving here even though he’s largely forced to, due to his work. But any chance she gets to relieve him from that burden, she takes. Today was one of those rare opportunities that revealed itself, her work load decreasing so suddenly throughout the day, she was able to sneak away a few hours early and take Blake out on a simple getaway in town.

They were both trying to ignore the things that were being said about them in the press, not giving it any attention or letting it influence the way they were with each other. It was blissful to know that up until now, they could still do that.

Blake was already waiting for her in his driveway, a large grin on his face as he watches her pull up.

She rolls down the window, leaning her head out to greet him.

“You’re very punctual, mister.”

Blake snorts. “Don’t let me make a dirty joke out of that, please.”

“I forbid it.” She laughs, biting her lip while sitting back in the driver’s seat. She unlocks the door for Blake as he comes around the passenger’s side and leans in for soft kiss.

“Hi.” She whispers.

“Hi, darlin’.”

“Ready to hit the town for a while?” She asks, putting the car in reverse and backing out his driveway.

“Hmmm.” He affirms. “Been waiting all damn day to finally see you again.”

She looks at him sweetly, feeling guilty about being so busy lately. Work had picked up again and she had so many meetings and events to go to, she hadn’t seen Blake in about a week. The time they had spent together was quick and often interrupted.

“I’m sorry, babe. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. This sucks.”

His hand reaches out for hers over the consoler and she smiles softly.

“How was work yesterday?” She asks, keeping the mood light.

“Good. Managed to finish up the house in Ocean Park and got back in time to grab some dinner with Adam.”

Gwen smiles. “I’ve heard you talk about seeing Adam more in the past two weeks than anything else.”

“Just finding some perks in work being much slower these days.”

Gwen’s smile falters, her eyes trained on the road in front of her. She can feel the mood shifting and Blake’s eyes burn on the side of her face.

“Baby, I didn’t mean— “

“But it’s the truth though, right?” She asks, not exactly interested in hearing an excuse from him.

He sinks back into the passenger’s seat in silence, knowing he can’t give her an answer she’ll like without lying to her.

They pull into the familiar shopping mall, the car parked in the large and private parking area. Blake decides to grab her hand and though they’ve done that multiple times before, something about the increased media attention makes her hesitant to keep her hand in his.

“You okay?” He asks, tugging her next to him.

She looks at him quietly, an apologetic expression lingering on her face.

“I just hate this.” She admits.

Blake crooks his brow.

“Not being able to hold your hand without feeling like an anxious mess about it.” She clarifies.

Recognition hits and she almost cries when he lets go of her. It’s the most blissful space to be in, close to his body, on the receiving end of the innocent but important touch. The public starting to come in between that makes her feel heavy and lonely in a way she hasn’t experienced before.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly.

“Please don’t apologize.”

The sun feels hot on her skin, the sight of Blake walking next to her forever a strange but enjoyable one. He’s incredibly handsome, always has been, but something about knowing he’s exclusively hers now makes her want to jump his bones every chance she gets.

He wears a red plaid shirt and jeans, his curls looking as appealing as ever since he decided to leave the snapback at home. He walks with a confidence that she just doesn’t think he can ever loose, no matter how much the world has tried to rid him of it.

It’s only a matter of time before Gwen drags him into a cute and way too expensive boutique. She giggled when he pouted at her quickly, but she promised him it wouldn’t take long. He pretended to hesitate, but she knew him well enough to know he was already sold. She loves designing clothes, but she loves it almost just as much to admire the work of others, trying on different clothing for different moods, mixing and matching items that normally wouldn’t be considered.

Gwen found the young co-owner of the store who always remembered her whenever she came in; making it the best shopping experience. The girl, who’s name is Gabriella, points her to numerous outfits that remind her of the fashion mogul’s preference.

Blake sits back in the way too small chair in the back, just watching as Gwen tries on a few outfits. The store is small and exclusive enough for it to be a private affair.

His eyes become wide when she steps out in a small blue dress, the satin fabric clinging to her skin perfectly.

“You like it?” She asks innocently.

“Do I like it?” He repeats. “Damn, baby.”

She giggles at his pained tone, biting her lip.

Gabriella smiles.

“This looks so perfect on you, Gwen.”

“Thank you.” She says, checking herself out in the long mirror and smoothing her hands over her stomach. “Do you still have the black jacket? The one with the suede material?”

“I kept it aside for you.” Gabriella exclaims proudly, causing Gwen to smile. “Give me one second.”

“Of course.”

The woman disappears into the back of the store and Gwen motions with her finger for Blake to come closer. He looks up in surprise and walks over to her, his lips curving into a mischievous smile when she drags him into the fitting room with her.

“Really Gwen?” He teases.

“I need help with the zipper.”

She can tell he’s seeing right through her and her need for having him close is the only reason he’s in here with her now. She smiles when his hand smooths down her shoulders and checks her out in the mirror.

“You’re so gorgeous.” He says softly, the compliment leaving his mouth without an alternative motive.

Gwen smiles. “You’re sweet.”

He turns her around then, hands sinking to the curve of her ass.

She looks into his eyes, then south to his lips. Those same lips find her neck in the next moment, up to her jaw until he’s firmly pressing his lips to hers. She was tempted to moan at the contact, but refrained herself, knowing that any sounds would be heard in the small store.

Her hands grip the back of his neck as she pushes herself closer to him. It’s what she needed the moment she saw him in his driveway, standing there, waiting for her. His mouth works overtime to consume her fully, his body growing excited at having her so close.

She explores his back with her hands, gripping his cheeks as she kisses back fiery and determinedly. His back is about to hit the wall when a soft and friendly voice interrupts their heated make out session.

“Sorry it took me so long, Gwen. I found the jacket you wanted.” Gabriella says, standing outside of the fitting room as she takes the closed curtain as enough indication the designer wanted some privacy.

Blake presses his face in her neck and she toys with the hairs at his nape.

“Thank you, I’ll be right out.”

She bites her lip, undeniably aroused and feeling a type of way at Blake’s flustered and breathless demeanour. “Sorry cowboy.”

He chuckles. “Just finish up here.”

She nods, before ushering him to sit down in the back of the fitting room as she opens the satin red curtain to expose the beautiful black jacket in Gabriella’s hand. She thanks the store owner generously before trying it on. The item looks like it’s made for her body and it takes her less than a few minutes to make the decision to buy both the jacket and dress.

Blake shakes his head at her, but she gently slaps his arm and continues to the check-out.

Back outside, with a large bag that Blake insisted on carrying for her, things become less ideal. While they were in the store, someone seemed to have tipped them off to the press, causing a flood of people to take notice of them suddenly.

“ _Christ_.” Blake muffles under his breath.

The photographers aren’t as ruthless as before, but what she didn’t anticipate were the local people trying to get the right picture to post as well.

Gwen thinks fast, pushing him into the nearest barista. Neither one are particularly hungry or in the mood to buy anything else, but she can’t spend another minute in the craziness going on outside.

Blake takes a deep breath when they stand in the small and quiet store, the smell of freshly baked bread flying up her nostrils.

“I don’t want this.” She whispers, standing closer to Blake.

She relaxes a bit when his hand rubs lowly across her back, his eyes trained on the glass door. She can tell he’s trying to gauge how much touch is appreciated in this moment and though she hates it, she’s grateful too.

The woman behind the counter looks at them expectantly when it’s their turn to order. Gwen takes a quick scan of the menu above the cash register before making a decision and ordering them both a coffee and a muffin to go.

“What are we gonna do?” Blake asks when Gwen takes the order from the young woman.

“Let’s just go home.”

“But you wanted to hang out here.” He says.

“Yeah, but I don’t see that happening anymore.” She replies. “This is only gonna get worse and I really don’t want to be here when they start hoarding and chasing us into stores.”

“How about we bring these bags home and then I take you out to dinner. We’ll make a reservation under my name, no way anyone’s gonna notice.”

“Your name is out there now too, remember?”

Blake shrugs. “It’s still mostly your name people recognize.”

“I don’t even feel like going out anymore. It’s fine, we can just go home.”

He runs a hand through his hair, looking a little bemused and maybe also a hint of confusion.

They throw themselves back into the chaos outside, head’s down while they make their way back to the parking lot. She can tell Blake’s feeling tense underneath the attention and she fights the urge to reach for his hand and pull him closer to her. She should, she knows that, the news out there now anyways. There’s no reason for her to still play coy. There’s just something that prevents her from reaching out for him and initiating that physical contact in front of these total strangers that don’t seem to give a damn about her privacy.

Blake’s opening the door for her when they reach the parking space, her hand softly gracing his chest when she walks in first. He lets the door fall shut behind them, their attention spiked when one of the photographer seems to have followed them inside.

“Gwen, can we have one picture with the two of you looking up?”

Gwen ignores the question, searching her purse for her card. Blake leans his arm against the parking meter, creating a barrier between Gwen and this guy’s lens.

“We’re happy you found love again, Gwen.” The man tries again.

Again, the sentiment goes ignored.

“What does Gavin think of this new romance?”

She tenses up at the mention of her ex’s name, her eyes meeting Blake’s quickly. His face turns to look at the man and she knows for a fact that he’s quickly losing his patience.

She hurries up the payment and grabs his arm, finally allowing for that bit of physical touch and pulls him with her to his car. The man repeats his question once more and Blake finally reacts.

“That’s enough.” He almost growls. “Take your pictures, but don’t you dare be disrespectful.”

“Sorry man.” The photographer adds, clicking away furiously.

Gwen opens her car door quickly, getting in without looking back, waiting for Blake to join her. He puts her bag on the backseat, before sliding onto the passenger’s seat.

“I’m sorry for taking the bait.” He says hurriedly, rushing another hand through his hair. “I just couldn’t let him disrespect you and keep my mouth shut.”

She takes a deep breath, realizing this was the beginning of a long and tiring road.

“It’s fine.”

__

She wakes in the middle of the night, woken by the slight movement on her right. Blake seemingly had gotten a glass of water, his soft and low voice speaking a quiet apology when he realizes he’s roused her out of her sleep.

Her eyes adjust to the darkness of her room before taking him in. His curls are laying messily on top of his head, his bed hair endearing even when she’s a little annoyed with him. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers, and she takes the opportunity to stare at his bare chest, only lightly sprinkled with hair.

They hadn’t gone out anymore after getting home from their short shopping spree. She could tell he was disappointed with the course of events and she couldn’t help but feel a little upset at the fact that he just gave the press something else to fawn over. His protectiveness is cute, but also a pain in the ass sometimes.

She leans up on her elbow, watching as he climbs back in bed. It makes the covers slide down her own chest a bit, baring naked skin Blake’s all too familiar with these days. She catches him check her out slowly and she smirks.

This whole media circus had activated her most prominent fears. This is the wave everyone was warning him about before and what if he finally was starting to realize it was more than he signed up for? What if their small irritations with each other turn into huge differences they just can’t ignore?

Gwen crawls over to where Blake’s sprawled out on her matrass, not stopping until her body slides on top of his, her knees caging him in. His hands slide to her lower back in surprise.

“Whatcha doin’, baby?” His voice sounds gravelly and rough, the time of night reflecting the lack in usage of his voice.

“No more talking.” She replies deviously.

Blake’s hands lower to her ass, squeezing and palming instinctively.

She leans into him, lips touching his hard and scorching. She relishes in the feel of his body hardening beneath her, his hands becoming firmer in the way he starts guiding her over his erection. Their kisses are constant, desirable and demanding.

Her nails dig into his skin, smiling when he grunts against her lips. She marks him because she knows what will happen when she does— old insecurities are pushing to take over in the back of her mind, as she waits for the moment he’ll inevitably lose control.

“Blake.” She says panting, pulling away from his kisses.

He shuts her up with another one, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear while devouring what’s his. He flips them over so it’s her back now pressed against the matrass and his body keeping her down. She smirks when he drapes one of her legs over his waist. She knows he must be able to feel the heat of her center on his cock and she smiles filthily.

“Do it.” She whimpers.

His breath catches when seeing her splayed out underneath him.

He pushes his boxers down and off before he slowly enters her. They both moan out at the sensation, her inner walls closing around him like a vice.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” He growls against her lips, thrusting into her slow and deep. He picks up the pace and she holds on to his shoulders to gain some leverage. He keeps her head from hitting the headboard with the intensity of his thrusts by placing his hand at the back of her neck.

She scratches her way down from his shoulder to his back, sinking her teeth in the skin on his neck. He hisses at the sharp pleasure pain that shoots through his body.

“Harder.” She demands weakly, wanting him to pick up speed.

He drives into her faster, but it proves not to be what she wants. She wants him to let go with her, she wants him to stop being careful, she wants him to get rough.

She scratches him again and this time his hand finds hers, fingers intertwining while he presses her hand back firmly into the matrass.

It’s exactly that type of intimacy she doesn’t want right now.

She knows it’s wrong, old habits creeping back into her body. The need to fix whatever issues they’re having by letting him get all his aggression out in the bedroom, ready to be roughed up and in some toxic way let herself get pleasure out of it. Even when it doesn’t feel good.

“Fuck me harder, Blake.”

“Let it build.”

“Give it to me.” She ignores him, pushing her hips into him roughly. “Make me feel it.”

He grunts, shutting her up with another kiss.  
The force of his kisses combined with his hard grip on her waist makes her cry out, the pain intensifying her pleasure.

Her free hand reaches up to the side of his face, bringing his head down and biting roughly at his bottom lip when he kisses her again. He slams his hand on the matrass before grunting, his eyes dark and hooded when he looks down at her. Her heart is beating loudly, her hips continuing to buck up at him.

“Gwen, what— “

“I can take it, come on.”

His eyes soften suddenly, a truth hitting him so hard he halts his thrusting. The look on his face hurts her so badly she’s hit with the urge to pull away from him, but she stays right there, a slave to her own pleasure. The pleasure that’s ongoing, even when he’s stilled inside of her.

“ _Please_.” She whispers, but he shushes her.

She knows he’s figured out what’s going on, and she wonders how long it will take for him to pull away from her now.

Gwen tries desperately to get the air back into her lungs, but before she can, Blake slams his hips forward again. Her body jerks at the forceful impact, his hand slides up to her cheek as he pulls her head up to him.

“I’m not him.” He says lowly, his thumb pressing into her lower lip. “I won’t hurt you. I’m not gonna do that.”

“Blake.” She whimpers in slight protest.

“Ah-ah.” He kisses her chin and neck, speeding up his thrusting again. “I’m gonna make you cum just like this.”

“I can take it.” She tries again.

“Prove it to me.”

The dare hits her like a freight train.

He is daring her to do this his way. He’s fucking her on _his_ terms; love and desire being the root of their actions, not aggravation or aggression. He wants her to proof to him she can love him without needing it to hurt. He wants to make her feel good, be rough with her, without resembling the aggression she’s experienced at the hands of her ex.

He makes a circular motion with his hips then, slamming in harder than ever. A string of curses leaves her mouth, her hands clamping to his shoulders in a desperate attempt to steady herself. She’s a babbling mess when he reaches down to suck on one of her nipples, the pleasure almost overwhelming.

“I love you.” Blake mumbles against her chest, sucking bruises into the soft skin.

“Blake.” She gasps out, eyes pressing shut when he pushes in forcefully again. He slams forward in a relentless speed, the sound of skin slapping together loud in the bedroom.

“Come on.” He whispers in her ear before nibbling on her lobe.

Gwen wraps her legs tighter around his waist as her walls clench around his cock. Her cries of pleasure make him go even harder, careful not to hurt her, but determined to give her what she needs. Her head falls back after a particularly hard thrust and her orgasm ripples through her like an earthquake.

She opens her eyes because he demands it—always does whenever she’s falling apart—as her body runs on a high. Her limbs are a tired and jumbled mess with Blake’s and she can’t do anything but hold on to him as he chases his own release.

When he comes, he kisses her again, opening her lips with a sweep of his tongue. She feels him stutter on top of her, spilling inside a few seconds later. Blake collapses to her side once he pulls out of her gently.

“Holy fuck.” He breathes, running a hand down his face.

Gwen rolls over to her side, limbs sore and aching, but only in the best way. She pushes herself closer to him, surprising even herself and softly murmurs into his bicep.

“I’m sorry.”

He pulls her closer until her head is pillowed on his chest.

“For what?”

“Going crazy on you.” She whispers embarrassedly. “As always.”

His hand rubs at her lower back and she’s flabbergasted at the way her body seems to be opening for him already. Ready to feel him again.

“You weren’t going crazy.” He challenges her softly. “You’re hurt by things in your past, I know that. I know it runs much deeper than you were telling me too. That’s not crazy, Gwen. That’s trauma. We both have it.”

“Somehow yours doesn’t seem so destructive.”

Blake chuckles. “Trust me, I’m no saint.”

“I wanted you to hurt me.” She whispers.

He’s quiet for a few beats.

“I know.”

“And you don’t think that’s crazy?” She asks, softly. “How is that not scaring you off right now?”

“Because I love you, Gwen. And I know you love me. I know you don’t really want me to hurt you. You’re scared that with everything going on right now, it’s gonna chase me out of the door and you’re resorting to a toxic trait to help me stick around. You don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose.”

“Then don’t push me away.”

She shakes her head, sighing into his chest. “I’m not.”

“Good. Let me be there for you even when things aren’t shiny and perfect. We knew we weren’t gonna be able to live in this bubble forever. That doesn’t scare me. All it does is solidify the fact that I really want this with you, Gwen.”

The honesty in his eyes is so beautiful and the depth of his words cause an eruption of euphoria to course through her veins. Never did she anticipate a love like this, she didn’t even believe it existed in the world.

She doesn’t want to mess this up.

She reaches up and kisses him softly, the feeling warm and chaste, just like the rest of him.

“I love you, cowboy.”

She burrows even further in his chest, feeling her eyes become heavy due to her sleepiness.

“Love you too, babe.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're getting closer to the end, folks. Thanks again for reading, xo.

Her eyes were having a hard time staying open, her body heavily resting against Blake’s. They had been traveling for hours, the plane landing after four hours and the SUV waiting for them immediately after to drive them into his hometown. She had never been at this side of the US and she really wished she had the energy to see more of it, but between her busy work schedule of the past week and it being a little over 3 am right now, she could do nothing but lean against him and fight against sleep pulling her under.

“Go to sleep honey, I’ll wake you when we get there.” Blake coos at her softly, his hand rubbing her arm.

“Wanna see.” She murmurs instead, though her eyes drift close again.

His chuckle vibrates against her.

“With your eyes closed?”

“Gosh Blake, I’m so sorry.” She says, opening her eyes briefly. “I’m so tired and I can barely keep my eyes open, and I’m just…ugh this was not how I was supposed to feel the first time landing in Oklahoma.”

“Honey.” He laughs quietly, his own eyes travelling outside the window at the landscapes they’re passing. “It’s pitch black out there, you’re not gonna see much now anyway. We’ll have enough time to explore this place in the three days you’re gonna be here.”

Gwen takes a deep breath. “After we meet your family?”

“Or before. We don’t have to be there until tomorrow afternoon.”

Anxiety fills her though she tries to suppress it, but Blake notices immediately.

“They will love you. Just relax.”

“Maybe I’m just gonna close my eyes for a second...”

He smirks. “You do that, darlin’.”

He had spent most of the plane ride over here convincing her of the fact that his family would love her right away. His Mom had heard a lot about her already and always thought she had a great effect on her son –and she wonders how much he left out while talking about her to his mother, but she doesn’t ask. He told her his sister and her husband would most likely be there too, and they were all ecstatic to meet her as well. It was gonna be a small family gathering and she was grateful for that, not sure how she would handle the opposite.

It’s been a while since she wanted to impress someone’s family, maybe more than ever before. She never had a super close relationship with her ex-husband’s relatives, and for some reason, she really wants that to be different this time.

She feels someone tug at her arm after just having drifted off, Blake’s soft gaze smiling down at her. She opens her eyes, realizing the car is no longer moving and Blake’s saying something to the driver before quickly kissing her forehead.

“We’re here, sweetheart.”

Gwen pulls herself into an upright position, her eyes shooting out of the window. They’re standing in front a spacious, yet modest looking home in the middle of nowhere, a driveway pretty much non-existent as the car seemed to have pulled up on a backroad. She rubs at her eyes a few times before smiling at him.

“You live here?”

He nods, grinning.

“Well, used to. I seem to recall living in LA now; you’ve been there a few times…”

She slaps his arm. “I’m serious.”

“It’s a rented house I have here, yeah. I got sick and tired of coming back here and havin’ to stay with family each time. No offense.”

“None taken.”

He opens the door and climbs out of the car, paying their driver and helping him unload their suitcases from the trunk. He holds his hand out for Gwen as she steps onto the dirt road and attempts to grab her own luggage from him.

He simply shakes his head at her. “I got it, darlin’. Open the door for me?”

He hands her his key and leads her up the small pathway to his place. She feels strangely validated walking up his porch, his key pressed tightly into her palm.

It’s pushing four, but suddenly she’s no longer filled with exhaustion. Her body feels wired on something new when she pushes his door open, the scent of wood and a husky cologne that reminds her of the man behind her filling her nostrils. Blake hits the light switch behind her, illuminating the lightly decorated living room. It’s smaller than she expected, much smaller than the place he owns in LA, which is surprising considering the amount of space he has here. It’s clear most of what he owns here is land, not build-on property. It aligns with what she’s come to know of him.

“Scared yet?” He asks softly, leaning against the wall while sporting a small smirk.

She bites her lip, realizing he’s nervous about her seeing his place for the first time. She wonders if he brought anyone home here as quickly as he did her, while walking over to him.

Placing both hands on his chest, she looks up at him and shakes her head.

“I love it.” She says softly. “It’s so… _you_.”

He chuckles. “You know that’s what people say when they really don’t know what other compliment to give, right?”

“I love it.” She repeats, not allowing for his insecurities to grow any larger on the matter. “Can you show me around the place tomorrow?”

His arms come around her, his worries growing less.

“Of course.”

He leans down to kiss her soundly on the lips, his arms tightening around her. Her hand slides up to the side of his face, pushing him down and meeting the soft strokes of his tongue with her own.

“Show me your bedroom.” She whispers huskily against his lips.

He grabs her hand, his free one handing her the suitcase she brought. He carries his own travel bag behind him, and she loves how even when it becomes a little dysfunctional, he never let’s go of her hand. He motions with his head towards the door of his bedroom, tapping her ass lightly when she cuts in front of him. She bites her lip before walking into the Southern themed bedroom, the large bed in the middle really the only piece of furniture. The thing that stood out most was the view though. Even with it being completely dark out, she could tell that by morning, it would be something beyond magical.

They put their luggage in the back of the room, leaving the unpacking for tomorrow—right now she just wants to get him in bed.

“I think I need to relax a little.” She murmurs suggestively, sliding her shirt over her head and walking over to him in nothing but her dark jeans and black bra.

His arms come around her again, an intrigued look on his face.

“Yeah?” He asks, his hand coming behind her back and unsnapping her bra. “You want any help with that?”

Her hands push him down again, sliding her tongue inside his mouth and waiting for him to deepen it. He never lets her down, his hands holding onto the side of her jeans while she pushes her bare stomach against his clothed chest.

“You sure you’re not too tired?” He crooks his brow at her, smiling when him pulling away from her kisses causes her to pout. “You _were_ knocked out in the car earlier.”

She fists at the collar of his shirt and pushes him onto the bed, following him down quickly.

“Shut up and love me.”

\--

The house is tall and broad, a large front porch welcoming them home. The wrap around porch provides the shade during the day and she could already imagine his mother sitting there on a warm summer day, reading a book, waiting for her son to come home. The gabled roof is medium height, giving it a spacious but modest look. A small rose garden has been planted in the front, and she could tell it was lovingly taken care of by the lack of weeds.

Blake’s hand is soft on her back, encouraging her up the final steps. She holds the gift basket she brought from California tightly in her hands and waits for Blake to knock on the door. He gives her a final look of encouragement before doing so.

Blake appears to be a spitting image of his Mom, the look on the older woman’s face priceless as she takes in her son. He chuckles when he’s damn near crushed in her hug, and Gwen can’t help but smile while taking in the exchange in front of her.

“Mom...” Blake starts softly, motioning with his hand towards Gwen. “This is Gwen.”

“Oh my goodness.” His Mom exclaims, holding her hands out towards Gwen and putting them on her arms when she realizes her hands are full. “She’s as pretty as you described her, gosh.”

Gwen blushes heavily. “Thank you so much for having me, Mrs— “

“Dot.” She cuts her off, taking the small gift basket from her hands. “Please tell me you didn’t bring this for me.”

Blake chuckles.

“Of course I did.” Gwen says softly, smiling. “I just wanted to show my appreciation for your warm invitation, Dot. It means a lot to me.”

“Oh honey…” The older woman says, stepping aside to let them in. “I just made some tea, I’ll pour you two a glass. Blake, your sister is running a bit late, she told me to warn you that you need to check out her truck when she gets here.”

“Again?” Blake asks.

“Just be nice.”

Finally inside, and without anything blocking her hands, Dot presses her into a firm hug of her own. Gwen’s temporarily thrown off but recovers quickly, her arms coming around the shorter woman.

“Thank you so much for being here, Gwen.” She whispers, causing Gwen’s heart to beat a bit faster. “I can tell how much he loves you.”

The words nearly cause her to burst into tears, but she presses her lips together tightly and forces them back.

“I love your son more than anything.”

Dot pulls back from her with a smile.

“I know. I see it in your eyes. I used to look at my husband like that too.”

Blake walks in after them, oblivious to the important moment she just shared with his Mom. His hand is on her lower back and she’s realizing just how much that small touch makes her feel more at home than any house ever could.

Things were easy and conversation flowed freely, even when his sister and her family arrived.

She brought their two kids and husband, all incredibly fond of Blake, and she could tell his warmth and kindness was greatly appreciated by his family as well. His sister tells her all about the time Blake got them in trouble more than once when they were kids and Dot shares many stories about what makes Oklahoma such a special place.

That’s until Dot stands up to bring out some snacks and places a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Wanna help me out for a second, love?”

Gwen looks up to the older woman, nodding friendly. “Of course.”

She shares a look with Blake, and she knows he’s silently asking if she’s okay. For the first time in a long time, she absolutely is.

She gives him a quick peck before following his Mom into the kitchen. It’s as cute as the rest of the house, slightly messy and Gwen wonders if his Mom spent a lot of time getting it all perfect as the host of today.

“I thought you could use a break from all these stories about Blakey.”

Gwen smiles at the nickname.

“I love hearing all these stories about him.”

Dot reaches for a plate from the cabinet, sliding it front of Gwen. “I have some chips and his favorite dip right here, if you could just…”

“Got it.” Gwen says, a proud feeling tingling in her chest when Blake’s snack of choice is a familiar one.

“You know…” Dot begins, looking at Gwen with a fond look on her face. “The last time he brought a girl home was when he introduced us to Miranda.”

Gwen looks up, her hand stilling on the bag of chips she’d started to unload on the plate.

“We were happy for him, but there was this…fear, fear that he would get hurt right from the start.”

Gwen swallows roughly. “He told me about what happened after he moved here. I can’t believe he went through all that.”

Her mother smiles sadly. “He’s been through a lot, but he’s always made the best of it.”

Gwen nods. “I admire that about him.”

“He loves you a lot, Gwen. I don’t know you very well yet, but I know you’ve been a major influence in his life—a good one. Especially after last year, when he lost his Dad, you saved my son and I just needed to get you alone for a moment so I could properly thank you for that.”

Her eyes widen, tears collecting there swiftly.

“I wish I could’ve done more.” She whispers softly.

“You’ve done more than enough.”

She looks down at the ground, fighting with the guilt clawing at her chest, making her remember all the times she pushed him away after that, how she helped him back on his feet only to shove him back down on the ground a few weeks later. But something in his mother’s eyes staggers her completely; it’s the lack of doubt, the overflow of reassurance.

It dawns on her that maybe she’s not fully aware of the influence she had on Blake. It hits her that maybe they both saved each other.

“Can I hug you again?” Gwen asks.

Dot smiles widely before pulling her in for another hug. She breathes in deeply, feeling love fill all the places she’d always been too afraid to look. It’s like being accepted into his family is the final piece of the puzzle, making her love for him that much more prominent.

“You’re just the cutest thing ever, Gwen.” Dot exclaims happily.

\--

The whole gang is moving inside when Dot and Gwen bring the snacks out to the living room, and Gwen eyes Blake curiously.

“Went to check on Endy’s truck, turns out nothing’s wrong.” Blake rolls his eyes.

Endy makes a sound of protest. “The car wouldn’t start this morning.”

“Because you can’t drive, probably.”

His sister snorts. “You’re a jackass, but what else is new.”

“Honey, the kids…” Her husband warns.

“Shoot, I’m sorry.” She looks down at the two toddlers. “Don’t repeat what Mommy just said.”

Gwen laughs quietly, sitting back on the couch and crawling back into Blake’s side. She loved getting to have that moment with his Mom in the kitchen, but nothing beats the feeling of being close to Blake again.

She quickly learned she’d have to share her time with Blake with two little children demanding his attention. Blake leans down to be on eye-level with them, his hand reaching out for whatever his niece is showing him.

“Whatcha got there, Jace?” He drawls adorably, inspecting the toy that’s being pressed in his hand curiously.

“It’s a car.” She exclaims excitedly. “Like the one you fixed.”

“Mom’s car.” Ryan explains, driving the point home.

“Can I tell you guys a secret?” Blake whispers, urging for the two children to lean forward. “I think that car you’ve got in your hand right there, is much nicer than the one your Mom drives.”

Jace giggles. “Me too.”

Blake laughs. “Atta girl.” He says, ruffling her hair once and chuckling when they run off to tell their Mom, undoubtedly.

Gwen is staring at the side of his face, an aching feeling pooling in her stomach.

“You’re amazing with kids, Blake.” She says softly, smiling.

Blake looks back at her, his hand raking through his hair.

“You’re probably just catching me on a good day.” He jokes.

She knows he’s been playful, but she’s not able to shake that dream from her mind all day. It’s been a frequent problem these days. She holds a bit of hope sacred, even if it’s stupid, just in case God decides to fulfil one last prayer.

\--

She’s staring at her reflection in the mirror, her bare and naked face looking happy and content despite the lack of make-up. There’s nothing but pure truth staring back at her, and she likes the way it looks, likes the way it looks _on_ her. She stirs a little at the weight of his hand on her hips, coupled with his steady breathes against her nape.

“You’re beautiful.”

She licks her lips, looking down at his hands on her waist.

“Thank you, baby.”

“How was that for you?” He asks softly, holding her. “I know you were nervous.”

“Your family is amazing, they’re incredibly sweet. I can definitely see where you get your kindness from.”

He squeezes her hip in response, before sliding his hands up to her stomach. The tips of his fingers brush beneath the lip of her tank top.

She blinks, her heartbeat much slower than before.

“They love you.” Blake says, smiling against her neck. “Almost as much as I do.”

She presses her eyes closed, turning around in his grip and pushing herself closer to him. Her hands come around his back and his arms tighten his hold on her.

“I love you.”

Blake smiles. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that.”

“I won’t ever stop saying it.”

She means it, there’s nothing better than the sight of Blake’s eyes getting all soft when she does. It’s the best feeling to say the words and mean them too, feel them cover her heart in a warm blanket that feels too good to ever let go of.

He smiles at her sweetly, before tapping her ass once and walking out of the bathroom. She’s tired, they both are, and she can’t wait to crawl under the covers and snuggle close to him. Finishing up her bathroom routine, she walks over towards the bed, smiling when Blake’s already holding the covers back for her.

Her body finds that perfect spot against his chest, legs intertwined, while her hand creates soft and gentle patterns on his torso.

“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” He asks softly, holding her close.

“Just thinking about today.”

“What did you and my Mom talk about?” He looks at her gently. “In the kitchen.”

“She told me she was happy you found me.” Gwen recites, feeling that same giddy feeling play up in her chest. “She loves you a lot, she just wants you to be happy.”

Blake nods. “It hasn’t always been like that, you know? I mean, she’s seen me down so many times, I think she wondered if I’d ever let myself find love again.”

“And then you did.”

He smiles. “I had no choice. Literally had zero choice in the matter. I met you and that was that.”

“You make it sound like I forced you.” She giggles.

“In a way.” He replies, knowing she was half joking, but answering it seriously regardless. “I don’t feel like loving you was a conscious choice I made. When I met you, I knew I was gonna love you. That’s just the truth. I tried fighting it for a while, thought it was the right thing to do, but there was never a moment where I didn’t know it was you. I think the universe was very clear with its message; I could run as fast as I wanted, the outcome would never change. I love you. Always have, always will.”

Gwen’s eyes tried keeping the tears at bay for the first part of his admission, but by the end of his words, she was a sniffling mess.

“My god, Blake.” She whispers, wiping at some of the moisture on her cheeks. “The truth is, I fought against you and I so hard and I don’t even know why. It was the best feeling, being around you from the very first moment we met. I think that’s why it scared me so much.”

“I understand.” Blake answers quietly.

“Yeah, but it’s so much more complicated than I could possibly explain it to you.” Gwen adds, feeling herself getting even more emotional. “My whole life, I tried to fit into this mould, thinking that if I tried hard enough I could eventually get my heart in it.”

“Did you?”

She shakes her head.

“The only time I felt like I even remotely listened to what my heart had to say, was whenever it was about you. With you, I can’t even do anything else. My heart is all yours, Blake.”

He leans in to place a soft kiss to the side of her face.

“And you know you have mine. Every second of every day.”

Gwen smiles through her tears, finding his hand and lacing their fingers together. A few quiet moments pass before she has the guts to bring up the thing that has been taking over her brain ever since she saw Blake interact with his niece and nephew earlier.

“Blake?” She asks shyly, his soft hum telling her he’s listening. “Have you ever thought about having kids?”

His finger continues to stroke hers, his eyes focused on a spot on the wall. She’s hypersensitive of everything all the sudden; the cold in Blake’s room, the way his fingers touch hers, the way his breathing seems to sound a little louder, the way her own skin covers with goosebumps.

“Thought about it plenty.” He says eventually, his voice a low drawl. “Think about it still.”

She can tell he’s trying to find the right words, so she doesn’t urge him to go on, instead she stays quiet and waits him out.

He looks at her then.

“I was never in a rush to get them. I’d be lying if I said I was in a rush now.”

Gwen’s heart pummels against her chest, the words sending a cold shiver down her spine. She’s thirty-six, her timeframe to have children seriously lessening with each year she waits. Her eyes water on their own accord, no matter how hard she tries not to.

“Hey baby…” Blake whispers, urging her head up to look at him when he notices the change in her demeanour. “I was going to say—I don’t feel like I’m in a rush to have children, but I want them with you Gwen. I don’t even know how you feel about it, and I don’t want you to feel pressured, but I want you to become the mother of my child. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. I want it all with you.”

Her chest aches with the force of her heart beating, her hand clinging onto Blake’s desperately.

“I’m thirty-six.” She whispers. “I might not have the luxury of time.”

“You never talked about wanting kids with me.”

She bites her lip. “I never talked about wanting kids in general.”

“But you want them?”

“Always have.”

She knows the question that’s burning his lips, and she answers before he has to get the painful question out in the open.

“He never wanted them. I thought I could give that dream up for him, I mean—look at everything I had; a career that was going well, a nice house, my parents looking up at me. I felt like I had to make sacrifices and not having children or a love that could fulfil me would be exactly that.”

“I don’t understand why you stayed so long.” Blake says breathily, no hint of judgement in his voice, just plain and simple hurt.

“I don’t know either.” She admits.

He turns her around fully, pushing her against his side until there’s not an inch of space left. His hand pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, as he leans in close.

“I want to have kids with you, Gwen. I want to get married, have children, get a dog, all of that. I’m not gonna pressure you into any of these things, but I hear what you’re sayin’. I mean you already know I love practicing having kids with you, so…”

She slaps his chest playfully. “Blake, I’m serious.”

He grins. “Me too, darlin’. I wanna have kids with you, and I’m ready to try for that if you are too. I get what you’re saying about your age and time running out. I just never want to be the reason you feel rushed, that’s all.”

“You’re not.” She whispers, beyond touched to hear him speak his real reason for not bringing it up earlier, or exclaiming any pressure. “But you’re sure…. about trying?”

He smiles before leaning in and giving her a sweet kiss.

“As a matter of fact, I think we should _try_ right now…”

She giggles when he manhandles her underneath him, his body covering hers.

Blake’s hands on her hips make her feel grounded; adding to the overwhelming sense of peace settling in her chest, utter contentment curling around her heart.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was part of the reason I started writing this story. I've had it somewhat written out for a while, but tried to perfect it to do the story justice. Let me know what you think.

She was known to shift quite a bit in her sleep, snuggling and spooning up to the person lying next to her. Maybe it had something to do with her urgent need for physical touch, not good at being away from that kind of love even in her deep unconsciousness. Luckily for her, Blake seemed to have no problem with her lack of personal space in their bed and he holds her close like he was meant to do so all his life. His hands snaked across her stomach, pulling her into him securely.

That’s how she woke up whenever they shared a bed.

It’s no different today. She opens her eyes against the heavy pull of slumber, the light from the ascending day shining brightly into the bedroom. She turns around in his grip, smiling when she realizes he’s not fully awake yet but doesn’t waste time pulling her even tighter against his body. She presses a gentle kiss to his lips; one he reciprocates automatically.

Her hand smooths down his arms, loving the feeling of his strong biceps that came from working tirelessly at people’s houses. He finally opens his eyes, meeting her brown orbs with his deep blue pools that put the ocean to shame.

“Please don’t tell me you need to leave this bed.” He whispers, closing his eyes again. “You’re not allowed to leave this bed yet.”

Gwen giggles, pushing herself closer to him and hiding her head in the crook of his neck.

“It’s still early.”

Blake groans—she doesn’t know if it’s a sound of protest or one of approval.

“Which means you can lay here with me still.” He fills in the blanks.

Approval it is.

“Yeah.” She whispers, inhaling the pure and manly scent of him.

It’s taken her all her life to get here, relaxed and content in the arms of a man. She’s never had this feeling before and as much as it scares her, it reignites a spark inside her that she had written off long ago. She didn’t think her heart was still capable of feeling such a love, such a deep connection that ran as deep as the sea—reflected to her each time the handsome Southerner as much as looked at her.

“I can call in sick today.”

Gwen’s eyes widen as she takes in Blake’s unusual words. In the time she’s known him, she’d never heard him contemplate taking a sick day; missing a day of work never in the books for him. He was bound by his oath of professionalism and often times restricted by his need to deliver.

Gentle eyes scan the surface of his face, eyes still closed. Her fingers run across his cheek, urging him to look at her.

“I thought you said work was getting better again.” Gwen whispers softly, smiling when he leans into the touch her fingers provide. “Customers are starting to come back, business is growing...”

“I know.” He says, keeping his eyes closed still. “Work is good. But you are better.”

His words cause an eruption of euphoria to explode inside her, the shackles around her heart released a while ago. There’s something so pure about Blake’s words this morning, so honest and raw, she feels the need to sink into him and merge into one, never be without the beating of his heart or the pounding of his love. It’s too much almost, the overwhelming need to be one with him. A love so pure it startles her, something once so foreign to her now almost becoming second nature, second skin.

“I love you.” She says, meaning the words more than she ever has. “I can’t believe how much.”

Blake chuckles.

“Now you know how I feel.”

She trails her fingers down his cheeks, up to the bridge of his nose and back up. It’s like she’s memorizing every curve, every slight coloration of skin, every bump, every inch.

“I’ll be here when you get back from work, you know?” She asks softly, continuing to smile even though he’s still not opening his eyes to see it. “You don’t have to stay home from work. I’m not running anymore. You know that, right?”

And then finally, his eyes open. Crystal blue eyes meet hers gently, even when they’re still slightly clouded by the remnants of slumber and exhaustion.

“I know that.” He says confidently, finding her hands under the covers and tracing them with his own. “I just love the peace and quiet of the last two days; made me realize how little I need when you’re there. This is enough. Just you.”

She bites her lip, a slave to her emotions and desires as she leans forward and kisses him. His hands smooth over her platinum locks before cupping her face, deepening their kiss.

He rolls her underneath him swiftly, looking her dead in the eyes.

“You’re beautiful in the morning, Gwen.”

She laughs, shaking her head. “Only in the morning?”

“Always. But something about you in the morning, waking up next to me, sun hitting your face, not a hint of make-up—it takes my breath away each time.”

“ _Blake_.” His name sounds like a blush from her lips.

His mouth trails a path up her neck before closing in on her lips again. She never tires from the games his lips play whenever they’re on her, she won’t ever complain about the teasing roots of his touches just because she knows he never leaves her hanging. It’s the best feeling to be loved on by him and she’s done taking it for granted, can’t even believe she ever did.

Just when she thinks he’s ready to get on with it, the sound of her phone going off interrupts the moment. She winces and pants, not ready to let go of him, but also realizing she needs to be available for work. Being the lady in charge leaves her with very little off time.

Blake shakes his head.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Baby….” She whispers, gasping when he sucks at her collarbone.

Her hands grip the back of his head, pushing him closer against her one second and trying to softly pull him off the next.

“Let it ring.” He pleads, his soft and low voice doing wonders on her body and mind. “Come on baby, focus on me.”

And she does. She reaches for the device blindly, trying to turn it off but fails. She wraps both her arms around his neck, allowing him to cradle her even closer and continue his trail of kisses down her chest. She opens her legs for him wider, gasping when his morning erection collides with her center. She’s never been this easily turned on before, every touch of Blake’s causing a fire to rage inside her, burning so bright only his touch could ever ease the flames flickering inside.

His voice is nothing but a low gruff in her ear, his sweet words sounding like the prettiest symphony. He grinds against her a few times, making sure she’s ready before he enters her. His movements are soft and steady, his hands cradling her head and making sure her eyes are on him the whole time. It feels good whenever he’s rough with her, making her his in every sense of the word, but this might be better. She had to learn that, but now she has, she feels almost addicted.

There was nothing better than his soft and gentle kisses guiding her through the most primal and sweetest dance known to mankind. He would split her open in the gentlest way, hold her close like she was something he had to protect. He would slide home and ease the goosebumps on her skin with his hands. He kissed her until she started gasping against his mouth, feeling the tremors starting to take her. It was too much, the pleasure always burning hotly, turning her limbs into liquid. Her moans become breathy and short, her hips bucking up at him as he continues to drive inside with such care and love. He holds her close when she shatters, following not late behind. In the back of her mind she registers the phone ringing again, but she doesn’t care. _Can’t_ care.

She feels him slip out of her, kissing the side of her face, her chest, her breast. It feels like he’s everywhere, even when he’s no longer inside her.

Her fingers glide through his curls, a few of them now sticking to his forehead with sweat. He looks great always, but there’s something about the afterglow on his face whenever he just fell apart. It prides her to know she can do that to him—only her.

The phone rings again and this time she’s the one to grunt.

With arms that still lack eighty percent of their strength, she lifts the device to her ear and tries not to sound too cranky when she picks up.

“Hello?”

_“Miss Stefani, this is Mandy Hart from UCSF Medical Center. I’m calling you in regards to your friend, Chelsea Lassener. You’re her emergency contact.”_

She feels the blood rush from her body as she shoots upright, Blake’s worried glance honing in on her while his hands squeeze her thigh in comfort.

“I am. What happened? What’s wrong?”

_“I’m afraid your friend suffered from an overdose earlier last night. She’s stabilized and conscious, and will be transferred to Riverside treatment center this afternoon.”_

It’s a dance she’s done four times too many, her breath staggering.

“Rehab.” Gwen whispers, her throat tightening.

_“That’s right, Miss. We assure you everything’s gonna be alright, she’s talking and up for visitors. You’re welcome to come see her from now till 2:30 pm.”_

She doesn’t know what happens next, or what else the Doctor informed her off, all she knows is that Blake eventually took the phone from her, his worried glance only intensifying.

“Gwen, honey, talk to me.” He urges, still holding her.

“Chelsea. Overdose. We need to get to the hospital.”

Her words come out messy and distorted, but she can’t get herself to say any more. Her mouth feels dry and tight, her words not coming out the way she wants them to and her brain a worried mess. She’s on autopilot completely when she puts on some sweats and a hoodie, while Blake’s already waiting downstairs for her with her car keys.

She makes a move to grab them from him, but he just shakes his head and puts a gentle hand on her lower back.

“It’s okay baby, I got you.”

He climbs behind the wheel, takes one last look at her as she sits down in the passenger’s seat and beats all traffic as they get to the hospital within twenty minutes.

\--

The hospital corridor is stuffy and the air has an undertone of bleach. The walls are magnolia and are scraped in places from the hundreds of trolleys that have bumped into them. The pictures on the walls are cheap benign prints of uplifting scenes and above the double doors are large blue plastic signs with the areas of the hospital that lie ahead.

On the private ward, the atmosphere is completely different. The air has a perfumed scent and the seats are plush. Every surface is dustless. The nurses are unhurried and move with a serene purposefulness from room to room on their rounds. There are vases of flowers and beautiful framed pieces of art on the walls. In the corridor stands a water dispenser and the soft noise of a television.

It’s where they’re made to sit when they arrive.

Gwen had gripped Blake’s arm hard when the nurses told her Chelsea was currently getting checked out for an allergic reaction she had to the fluids she’d been given. The pumping of her stomach content had left her severely dehydrated and she needed something to get her strength back up. They couldn’t tell her exactly how long it would take before she could see her now, and that’s how they sit in the waiting room. Scared and clueless.

“Drink something.” Blake whispers softly, handing her a small plastic cup filled with water from the dispenser. She starts to shake her head, but he insists. “You’re not doing anyone any good if you pass out later; you’re incredibly pale, just drink something honey.”

She wants to fight him, but she doesn’t have the energy. She’s focusing all her strength on getting her friend through this again. She knows she’ll have to face Chelsea later and convey hope and confidence, not any of the fear and sorrow she’s filled with right now.

With shaky hands, she takes the plastic cup from him and brings it to her lips. The cold liquid feels quite nice against her tongue, but hurts to swallow nonetheless. Her throat still tight.

“How many times?” Blake asks, and she doesn’t need a clarification to know what he’s asking exactly.

“Four.”

Blake bites his lip. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“All four times where way before I ever met you. It wasn’t my place to tell you.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Gwen.”

She swallows roughly.

“The first few times I was scared.” She whispers, gripping the cup of water so tightly some of it spills over onto her lap. “Now I’m just plain terrified.”

Blake nods knowingly. “That’s okay too.”

“No it’s not.” She cries softly, looking down at the ground. “My friend needs me right now, she’s gonna need me to be strong for her, to _believe_ in her.”

Blake’s quiet for a few seconds, as if he’s contemplating his next words. She doesn’t mind his caution, not right now. The quiet gives her time to collect her own thoughts, make sense of a situation she’s been in a bunch of times before.

“You’re not being a bad friend for feeling disappointed, you know?” He states carefully, knowing his words hit a sore spot the minute she whips her head around to look at him.

“I’m not disappointed.” She says, the words sliding off her tongue with venom. “How can you even think that?”

“You’ve been here before, walked down this exact road with her four times already. Addiction is a disease, it’s not a linear line to recovery, I know you know that. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still feel disappointed when things go wrong.”

“I’m not disappointed.” She breathes, the words feeling heavy as she spills them.

“Then what aren’t you telling me?” He asks softly. “I can tell there’s _something_. I know you Gwen, I can tell when you’re feeling bad about something.”

“Why can’t my friend OD’ing just be enough?” She snarls, regret washing over her quickly.

Blake’s silence makes her panic—she ruined things. She needs him more than ever right now and she was mean to him _again_. She reaches her hand out for his, pulling it onto her lap and whisking away a few tears from her cheek.

“I didn’t notice.” She whispers softly, breath catching. “I was so busy focusing on us, the press, being in love…I didn’t notice my friend was slipping back into her addiction. I didn’t even know she needed me. Didn’t check in.”

“Gwen, sweetie…”

“I should’ve known when she started inviting us to more parties, drinking more…. she was just replacing one addiction with another, trying to prolong the inevitable.”

“You can’t take care of her your whole life, Gwen.” Blake says softly. “You need the space and freedom to also live your own.”

She shakes her head. “I promised her I’d be there for her. That I would never be too busy for her.”

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been a great friend to her Gwen. You’ve never not picked up a call of hers and you damn sure haven’t done anything to deserve this from yourself right now. I won’t let you blame yourself for this, sweetheart. I don’t care what it takes, I’m not gonna let you do it.”

Gwen smiles briefly, the first smile since getting the phone call.

“I’m sorry for snapping earlier.” She whispers.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re under a lot of stress. I’m not holding it against you.”

“I’m just so scared, Blake.”

He holds her close, whispering softly against the side of her head.

“She’s gonna be okay.”

And though she knows he can’t guarantee her anything, she decides to believe him.

“She’s gonna be okay.” Gwen repeats softly.

“Miss Stefani?” An older looking man stands in front of them, his shadow looming over them until they both stand up. “I’m Dr. Hoffman, I’ve been treating your friend since she came in. She’s ready to see you now.”

Gwen blinks quickly, nodding her head before looking at Blake.

“Go, I’ll wait for you here.”

Biting her lip, she looks up at the Doctor hesitantly.

“Is she up for two visitors?”

\--

“Eat something.”

Gwen smiles.

“I feel like these last two weeks have just consisted of you forcing me to eat or drink something.”

Blake shrugs, obviously not fighting the statement.

“Ever since that call, you’ve been refusing to do both on a regular basis.”

She nods while tearing a slice of bread off with her fingers and popping it in her mouth. 

“It’s just so weird knowing she’s in rehab again.”

“But it’s good too. She’s fighting it, she’s not denying she has a problem.”

Gwen knows he’s right, even when her worries won’t allow her to sit in peace. Or eat, apparently. 

She feels bad for Blake too. Their lives are still a media attraction and nothing for them is even remotely the same as it used to be. She knows he’s trying to find his way in all of this and instead of being there for him, everything has been about her friend these days.

“They’re writing about us again.” Gwen says softly, eying him from a distance.

“I know. I saw.”

Blake’s voice sounds calm as he stands in the doorway of her kitchen, one hand braced against the wall.

She shoots him a look. “You don’t sound too annoyed by it.”

“What’s the point? They’re gonna keep writing about us, whether we like it or not. At least this time they’re not completely off.”

“Do you still want to do it?” 

He bites his lip and leans back against the wall, eyes zoning in on her in that way that makes heat well up in every inch of her body.

“I want to live with you, there’s no doubt in my mind. I don’t want to pressure you, but I do think it’s fair to at least consider what I’ve been saying to you. I know this place is all you’ve known, but things could be better for us out there. Less chaotic.”

“My family lives here.”

“What about our own?”

“ _Blake_.” She breathes, eyes focusing on him intensely.

“I’m just sayin’, we’d have more space, more privacy. We could do both our jobs from there. It’s worth thinking about.”

“I _am_ thinking about it.” She says, exhaling loudly. “But what you’re asking from me isn’t small. You’re asking me to leave behind my hometown; my friends and family are all here. My company is located here. I can’t just pack up and leave.”

She can tell he’s feeling deflated by her words and part of her feels guilty. It’s been weighing heavily on her heart ever since he opted the idea. His arguments have all been valid, his reasoning more than understandable, but she can’t help but feel a rush of fear glide through her every time she thinks his prospect over. 

The fact that the press had been all over it too, hasn’t helped her anxiety one bit. 

They’d woken up to the article a few days ago, and though Blake had kept pretty calm, it was clear neither one were expecting for their private musings to become public knowledge so quickly. Rumours spreading like wildfire. 

**Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani ready for that next step?**

_We’ve been following the love story from its humbling beginnings. The two lovebirds who sparked dating rumours over a year ago, allegedly are looking at that next step…. buying a house together._

_An insider tells US Weekly, they’ve been flirting with the idea for a while._

_“Both have businesses here in LA, but think it’s time to settle down and seriously consider moving their business endeavours elsewhere…perhaps out of state.”_

_The fashion designer was born and raised in Los Angeles. Is love what’s eventually gonna drive her away from the city that made her?_

Blake takes a few steps closer, arms folding on the counter as he leans towards her.

“Y’know business wise, this could be the best move for me too. I gotta think about that.”

“I don’t want to hold you back—” She whispers, but Blake’s hand flies up to stop her.

“Don’t do that.”

“Blake...”

“I wanna move in _with_ you, not away from you. Look, this is a lot right now, I know that. Let’s not talk about this now, let’s just take it one day at a time. All I’m asking is that you keep it in mind and think over it every once in a while.”

Gwen grimaces. “What if I don’t want to move?”

Blake looks down at the counter and back up at her.

“Then we don’t. I’m not moving back to Nashville without you. I wanna create a life with you that has nothing to do with our pasts, I wanna create new memories with you. I’m not interested in living apart from you, let alone another state. But I won’t keep sacrificing my business just so I can live here. I’m gonna have to move my work location at some point or just figure something else out entirely. I can’t keep doing this, Gwen.”

“I know you love what you do...” Gwen whispers, heartbroken he’s even having to contemplate a change.

“And I’ll keep doing it as long as I can.”

“You know if you’re worried about finances— “

“—Please....” he cuts her off again, face turning serious. “Don’t even finish that sentences. If you respect me, you won’t finish that thought.”

“You know I respect you, Blake. That’s why I don’t want you to push yourself past your limit. I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want. But I can’t move solely for that reason.”

“I’m not asking you to.” His hand reaches out for hers over the marble, squeezing her fingers. “Can we just... I don’t want to force you into moving. I don’t want to force you into anything. I just want to give you what you deserve. I want to live in a house that we built together. I want a backyard that we can host BBQ’s in for our friends, I want to live a life away from the media frenzy so my girlfriend can walk outside without always having to be on high alert. I want to continue doing my job and come home to you every night. I want all your mornings, all your nights. I want to build on what we have here.”

“You don’t know how badly I want all of that.” She whispers, beyond touched. “I’ve thought about nothing but that from the moment you came back into my life. Even back when my father was still being an ass about us, or when Gabby still owned most of your nights— I knew I wanted all of that with you, even though it felt so out of reach still.”

“It’s not out of reach anymore.” He reminds her. 

Her eyes flicker.

“No, it’s not.”

“I love you Gwen. And I know you have a lot on your mind, I don’t mean to overwhelm you.”

She stands up, surprise colouring his features before she wraps herself tightly around him. 

“You’re everything to me, you know that right?” 

His eyes widen, but not at surprise over her words, but instead the timing. He rubs her back gently.

“Then let me try to give you everything.” He whispers against the top of her head.

Her eyes close while nuzzling against his shirt, loving the way his arms embrace her so fully.

“You already do.”

The conversation about moving has officially ended for the day and she can’t say she’s mad about that. It’s a lot to think about. None of her doubts are about not believing she and Blake can make a home somewhere else— and at some point, that’s gonna need some honest evaluation. 

For now, she pushes all scary decisions to the back of her mind, basking in the easier faucet of their love. The snuggling up on the couch, eating dinner together, having him take her to bed. 

She wakes early the next morning for some reason, the birds chirping already while Blake’s still dead to the world. Afraid of waking him up, she leaves the bed and wanders downstairs, deciding to take a few gulps of the early morning breeze. Standing on her driveway, she notices the square edge of a letter sticking out of her postal box. 

She examines the envelope, the cursive one letter word letting her know it’s for her, while simultaneously revealing the sender. She recognizes the handwriting immediately.

 _Gwen_.

It’s all that’s scattered on the envelope. 

Her body catches shivers from the outside cold and she decides to snuggle back into bed, next to Blake. She brings the letter with her, quietly ripping the seam to pull out the folded paper. 

With Blake’s sleeping frame pressed tightly against her, she begins reading.

_Dear Gwen,_

_I don’t really know where to start with this one. In treatment, they teach us a great deal about acceptance and making amends. I think that’s where I’ll start._

_You’ve taken care of me from the moment we met. We call it friendship, but we both know it’s so much more. In moments of complete darkness, you were there to hold my hand and I realize I haven’t been able to repay the favour nearly enough. I don’t understand how you could muster up so much compassion and patience for me all these years, with no regrets or resentment. I don’t know if I could’ve done the same, but then again, you’ve always been the better person._

_And better people deserve better. Acceptance. That’s what I’m getting at. I want you to accept that you’ve done everything you could for me, and now it’s time I continue doing that for myself. I want you to realize what you’ve got, a real shot at happiness. I am so happy for you, Gwen. I remember our hour-long talks about this very subject and never was it close enough to feel real. But it’s close now, isn’t it Gwenny? I know what it looks like to love you, cause all I have to do is look in the mirror. I know what it looks like to deserve you, because all I have to do is look at Blake._

_You’ve been taking care of me ever since you ran into me on that curb more than a decade ago. I don’t know what it was, but you must’ve seen something in my eyes, and you promised me you’d be there for me ever since. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t felt that. And in all of my prayers, I didn’t find myself asking for strength to make it another day without falling off the wagon. I found myself praying you’d find someone who’d do the same for you. You falling in love and being happy, that’s the greatest gift I could’ve gotten. So don’t you dare feel guilty about any of it (I know you long enough to know you’ve found a way to do that, and I’m telling you DON’T)._

_It was selfish of me to resort back to the evils of my past, putting myself in harms ways again, while I have family and friends to think about. You are my family too, Gwen. I would do anything for my family. I would die for them, which means I would die for you too. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. When you came to visit me in the hospital that day, I was hit with such a relief. I knew that my best friend had shed the life she got tired of living and started building the one she always deserved. As I promise you to get better and heal myself, I want you to promise me you’ll never give that up._

_I know there are no guarantees, but this one was just too close. Way too close. Times like this, I wish I could just live in a bubble, forget about the troubles that lay outside. I know that’s completely unrealistic. However, I take great joy in the fact that you’re able to curl up in your own little bubble with him and celebrate being alive instead of surviving through your years._

_You’ve taken care of others for decades, now it’s time to take care of yourself. In my letter to make amends, I want to take the time to apologize to you for not telling you sooner. I was too wrapped up in my own misery to realize how much of yours you had to deal with on your own._

_That’s no longer the case._

_I love you, Gwen. I can’t wait to get out of here and see you again (sober, of course). I hope Blake isn’t too opposed to ever seeing me again, because I’d love the chance to be part of that bubble of yours sometimes._

_Don’t poke it. You deserve it._

_Love,_

_Chelsea._


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are people. This story has been a lot of fun to write and I can't thank you enough for still reading and commenting--and reaching out to me on Twitter. It makes posting these chapters much easier, and much less scary. I'm sad to see another fic come to an end, but it feels right to end this one here. 
> 
> Special thanks to Bea for pitching me this idea months ago and never getting tired of my endless stream of ideas and requests for feedback. 
> 
> <3

She wandered down the stairs quietly, even though she woke up alone in her bed. The smell of freshly made toast filled her nostrils and she quickly made out why. There was a singular plate waiting for her on the counter and the pot of coffee seemed to have just been renewed. She’s almost afraid of opening her eyes again, scared it might all be a very good dream. It’s a soft and gentle feeling that caresses her as she takes in the simple but kind gesture she knows could’ve only been the doings of one man.

She pours herself a cup of freshly brewed coffee and takes a bite of her toast when outside noise causes her to walk towards the sliding doors. It was the sight in front of her that sold her on this not being a dream, but indeed her life playing out in front of her eyes. Blake’s in the process of stepping down the ladder that’s placed directly against the house, the sun causing a line of sweat to run down his back, small droplets lingering on his forehead too.

He always looks amazing, but _damn_ if she’s not reminded of it on a daily basis.

She stands in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame as Blake continues to make his way down to the ground. The backyard—if you can really call it that—is large, consisting of several acres. A miniature woodland is what she’d call it. LA really hadn’t introduced her to this kind of land, and she’s only now starting to realize what she’d been missing out on all this time. There are a bunch of holly trees and native shrubs to be found here; each of them trimmed as if they were green flames. To watch it all come together so beautifully is in itself a form of art, a poetry that cannot be spoken in words, yet feels calming to every soul that may witness it.

“You’re gonna stand there all day, just stalkin’ me?” He asks with a grin on his face, arms crossing over his chest as he walks closer to her.

She laughs but doesn’t move from her spot against the doorframe. Her eyes move up to the underside of the roof he’s been painting before looking back at the inside interior through the large glass door.

“Would you have a problem with it if I did?”

He shakes his head before pulling her into him, sweat be damned.

“Not at all darlin’, stalk away.”

“Thanks for the breakfast and coffee.” She whispers before pecking him on the lips sweetly.

“You were out like a light; you must’ve been tired.”

“Hmmm.” She hums, leaning into his chest. “This is the first time in about four nights I haven’t been up all night. I needed this badly.”

Blake kisses her forehead.

“You still up for today?”

She nods. “Can I just take a shower first?”

“I don’t think you’re the only one who needs it.”

Gwen grins. “Care to join me?”

His brow raises.

“Is that even a question?”

She laughs, pushing at his chest while watching him clean up the supplies from the backyard. She finishes her cup of coffee, before heading upstairs.

It’s a frequent occurrence, walking upstairs and getting distracted. Today is no different. She feels Blake catch up with her a few minutes later, his hands landing on her hips.

She stands still in front of the crib, taking a deep breath. She feels herself getting emotional and sniffles a few times, alerting him to the fact that she’s about to cry.

“This is perfect.” She looks around the room, taking in the beauty of the simple white walls, pale pink trim and blue moulding. Her eyes travel over the small crib and changing table, all installed by Blake.

“It is, isn’t it?” He says, one of his hands sliding over her protruding stomach.

She closes her eyes as he wraps her in his arms, dropping her head to his shoulder. She nuzzles against him, loving the way he feels firm behind her.

“I called my mother last night.” She whispers. “Her and Dad are expecting us around noon.”

“I feel like they’re still getting used to the idea that they’re becoming grandparents.” He says softly, kissing her cheek.

She nods, her smile warm as she turns around to look at him. She can’t help herself, and her hands slide up and down his chest.

“She never thought she’d see the day someone not only roped me into marrying him but that I’d have kids sometime this century. To be honest, neither did I.”

He smiles more wickedly as he pulls her closer, smoothing one hand up her back.

“Especially not to someone like me, right?” He jokes, kissing her.

She stops him with a shake of her head.

“We’re here now.” She tells him, making it clear she doesn’t want to talk about the what-ifs or think about how things used to be. “That’s all I care about, all I want.”

“Me too.” He says, smoothing her hair back. “I still can’t believe how my Mom nearly crushed you _and_ the baby in that hug of hers when we told her.”

Gwen chuckles. “Sweetheart, I was fine.”

Blake clenches his teeth. “Still, she needs to be a little bit more careful.”

They both look around the nursery again, before she drops her head against his chest.

“I love you.”

“I love you.” He returns. “And I love this little miracle.” He wraps his hands around her stomach and brushes their noses together. “Everything is so damn perfect right now. Everything I have ever wanted is right here in my arms.”

He pulls her tighter and sighs as he starts to rock with her, humming a familiar song.

She grins. “That’s the song that was playing— “

“—Yup.” He grins, swaying them some more.

Her mind travels back to that night in Oklahoma, the way he danced her around the living room, sang to her, laid her down in front of the fireplace, kissed her in a way she’d never been kissed before, made love to her like it was their last day on Earth.

She sniffles again and looks up at him, her reddening eyes watering and lower lip trembling slightly.

“And now look what we’ve done.” She giggles, looking back down at her stomach.

“The best damn thing I’ve ever been a part of.”

He smiles at her before kissing her, starting to move her out of the new nursery and into the hallway. His fingers skim along the edges of her nightgown as he stops them right outside their bedroom door. He suggestively pushes her towards the room, but she shakes her head.

“We gotta go shower, we need to get ready for my parents….” She gasps slightly as he begins kissing a trail down her neck, her body already starting to weaken under his touches.

It had been great to learn how her pregnancy only seemed to turn him on more, never going a day without feeling desired by him. All her previous fears about what this new thing would do to their relationship had flown out of the door by his overwhelming love for her.

“We can sneak in one orgasm.” He says pointedly, continuing his assault on her neck.

She smiles wickedly, pulling the nightgown over her head and sauntering over to the bathroom.

“Yeah we can….” She whispers, making a come-hither motion with her finger. “...In the shower.”

\--

_His mouth crashed over hers, pre-empting the words to follow, succumbing to her pleas and his need as his hips shifted back before burying himself deeply within her again. She cried out into his mouth, her walls immediately clenching around his length. He thrust forward again, his body stretching and filling her more and more deeply as she clung to him with every last ounce of strength. In the dim recesses of each of their minds, they realized the shift in dynamics; the way Gwen was pulling him in instead of pushing him away, giving herself to him more completely than she had to anyone before. Blake’s passion was no longer one that burned them both, but instead offered a security blanket that wrapped around them so tightly it helped keep them together. It made her heart swell and her need intensify, overwhelmed by his presence, his trust and the significance of the moment for each of them against the backdrop of their past._

_Gwen felt herself hurtling towards the edge, her strength faltering somewhat as her legs slipped lower over his hips, struggling to maintain her hold. Blake registered this even while finding himself lost to the sensations building between them, somehow managing to control their descent as he lowered them to the floor. This had started out as passionate fuck against the wall, that turned into much more fast. His hand protectively cradled her head, protecting the intimate connection they had going on as he lowered them to the ground._

_Gwen arched into his thrusts, her arms wrapping around him as she coaxed him to lower himself more fully against her, seeking all of him—his warmth and his weight. Neither were able to process where one ended and the other began, their moans becoming more urgent as their shared rhythm transformed into something that transcended themselves. All conscious thought evaporated, their mouths finally separating only because of their need to become closer to one another. Blake’s head tipped forward to press against hers, holding each other closer as they finally fell over the precipice. The pleasure was mixed with a feeling of belonging and unity that neither had ever experienced so completely._

_They clung to one another, allowing the feeling of connectedness to stretch on in a seemingly endless moment in time. As they began to drift back into the present, Blake nuzzled her gently. He breathed her in, intermittently placing kisses against her temple, the shell of her ear, the column of her throat. When she turned into his caresses, he raised his head just far enough to look into her eyes, his lips brushing over hers as his fingertips lightly skimmed the contours of her cheeks._

_His eyes were gazing down at her with reverence and love, yet the more time that passed in the lingering moment, the more he felt the stirrings of emotions that threatened to emerge through the calm._

_Gwen saw the sheen in his eyes, knowing him too well, her palm slowly smoothing over his shoulder blade._

_“We got married.” He whispered, her smile widening as he took her mind back to the reception and small gathering of family and friends._

_“I’ve never been this happy.” She said, a hint of bashfulness colouring her features._

_“I’m sorry about the delayed honeymoon, darlin’…” His voice sounded pained and she felt the shift in his demeanour from where they were still intertwined. “I wish I could just pack up our stuff right now and take ya out somewhere. You deserve nothing less.”_

_With the impending move of his business and her packed schedule, it had been impossible to book a getaway, and though Blake had insisted to fund most of their wedding, she knew it was unfair of her to ask him to take care of a honeymoon as well—impossible even. She had meant it though when she said she didn’t care. Marrying Blake was all she ever wanted, and the happily ever after she finally found was way more important than any trip could ever be. She didn’t need him to whisk her away from her everyday life, because finally after all these years, everyday life was exactly the way she wanted it to be._

_Gwen dropped her gaze to the floor, her smile remaining._

_“This is all I’ve ever wanted.” She shrugged, her eyes returning to his._

_“Get married and rush off to Oklahoma for two weeks?” He teased._

_“It feels pretty dreamlike to me.”_

_Blake looked at her with a mixture of recognition and heat._

_“You’re damn right about that, baby.” He murmured, his thumb absently tracing the fullness of her bottom lip._

_She couldn’t stop looking at him, her husband, ignoring the discomfort of still sitting on the hardwood floor with him. It didn’t take him long before he’d noticed._

_“Come on.” He whispered._

_He eased them up off the floor, keeping his arms around her as she self-consciously raked a hand through her tousled hair. He stood with her and almost immediately scooped her up in his arms, smirking at her slight yelp of surprise._

_“Just finishing what I started.” He said innocently, carrying her into the bedroom and gently dispositioning her onto the matrass._

_She shook her head then, smirking at his confused stare._

_“First I wanna show you something.”_

_Her arms slipped away from him, winking as she started heading back into the direction of the hall._

_He arched his brow again. “Where are you going?”_

_She said nothing, casually waving him off as she disappeared through the door. A minute or two passed before she returned with a small envelope in her hands. He smiled and scooted himself up to sit more upright, one hand loosely tucking the sheet around himself as she slid in beside him._

_He looks at her with a confused glare._

_“Baby, what— “_

_“Open it.”_

_He looks a bit hesitant when taking the concealed envelope from her slender fingers, but he does so anyways. He takes some time opening it, his brows crooking when his fingers touch the content inside._

_He pulls out what looks like an ordinary letter, but Gwen knows better._

_She bites her lip nervously as he reads._

_Then his head whips up, his eyes watery. “Gwen, what is this? Are you…?”_

_Her smile widens, tears threatening to fall from her eyes as well._

_“I took the test four times at home, but I just couldn’t believe it. I called my doctor and I did the pregnancy test there at his office and again…positive. I asked him if it was possible to send me the results on paper, just so I could give you something tangible— “_

_Her speech is cut off by Blake’s mouth on hers, his strong hands pulling her on top of him in an instant. Her arms come around his neck, the salt of his tears—or her own, she isn’t quite sure—staining their lips._

_“Baby, I love you so much.” He whispers against her neck._

_“Are you happy?”_

_She’s biting her lip again when he looks at her, both hands cupping her face._

_“You….” He shakes his head once, regaining his bearings. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You and this baby. You make me so goddamn happy, I should really hate you for it.”_

_She giggles._

_“No you shouldn’t, because I’m not planning on ever taking it away from you.”_

_He kisses her softly, his hands on her waist softer this time._

_“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He repeats the words in between kisses, planting them across her face randomly until she’s in a fit of laughter._

_“It’s the three of us now.” She whispers when they’ve calmed down, her head pressed to his shoulder while he continues to hold her._

_It might be in her head, but she feels like he holds her differently now he knows there’s another person growing inside her._

_“I’m gonna spoil this baby rotten.”_

_“No you’re not.”_

_“Yeah I am. A real daddy’s girl. Or daddy’s boy. Is that a thing? It’s about to be a thing.”_

_Gwen laughs, her hand snaking up his chest._

_There’s no doubt in her mind that Blake will make for the most amazing father. Part of her has always thought that, making it that more surprising to learn he didn’t have children of his own. It also made it harder for her to forget him when she thought she had to. None of her lovers had necessarily given her that dad vibe in the way Blake had; his protectiveness, genuine care for people and God given gift to make people feel at home was everything she ever wanted for her future child. To realize they’re about to bring a person into this world, that will be born into the love that is Blake Shelton’s heart, makes her feel the most peaceful she’s ever felt in her life._

\--

The air is different in Nashville. It’s like living in a canvas of fresh paint, playful wind and subtle shifts in light patterns that bring interest for the eye. On the days of rain, it’s a palette of greens, each leaf has a glossy shine as pretty as any magazine photograph. Yet in the sunshine—like today—every colour comes into focus, a picture perfect blue above to compliment the city it greets.

They wait outside the Bed and Breakfast at the exact time they promised to meet. She quietly smiles to herself as she recognizes that Blake has a serious punctuality protocol going on—one that he hasn’t abandoned once since moving here.

Gwen looks into the small lobby, waiting for her parents while Blake leans against the outside wall. From behind the low reception desk, a huge chunk of driftwood covered in sea shells, sits a man slumped in a deck chair. His hat is slightly tilted to obscure his face as he dozes a bit. Aside from what the entrance suggests, it’s quite an expensive place, at a nice and touristic Nashville location.

Blake comes to stand next to her when the door opens again, both her parents exiting the building with a smile on their faces.

Gwen’s the first one to hug them, lingering just a tad longer with her Mom. Blake hugs Patti next, the relationship between her husband and mother having only grown with the months. She still can’t believe how excited her Mom had been when she announced the pregnancy, taking Blake in as her own son. Dennis had probably come the longest way and Gwen can hardly contain the tears in her eyes when he and Blake share a lengthy hug of their own.

They walk alongside the pavement, the sun shining down on her brightly.

“You could’ve stayed with us.” Gwen says softly, hooking her arm with her Mom’s. “It’s no problem, you don’t have to— “

“—Sweetheart…” Her mother interrupts, smiling. “Your father and I are not gonna intrude for a whole week, not when you’re pregnant and you just moved to another state. We’re fine. The establishment is taking great care of us, and the location is gorgeous. Your father has been taking morning strolls ever since we got here. You know what it takes for your father to go on a walk…willingly?”

Gwen snorts.

“It’s good for him, you’re right.” They walk for a few more meters before Gwen can’t keep her quiet hesitations to herself any longer. “How did you know you were ready to become a mother?”

Patti walks a bit slower, eyes softly scanning the side of her face.

“Oh honey…”

“I’m just scared and I know he is too, and I really want to be strong for him.”

“I don’t think you ever truly know.” Her Mom replies, keeping a steady grip on her daughter’s arm. “You can’t ever prepare yourself for the life altering change of becoming a mother. But what I do know, is that when that child is born, something special will kick in. A certain maternal instinct. You’ve always taken care of other people, sweetheart. That’s where your heart is. This child is going to be the luckiest baby alive to have you as it’s Mom.”

Gwen bites back her tears, looking back to see her father and Blake in serious conversation themselves.

“I just don’t want to mess anything up. I’ve relocated the business, moved out here, everything is new and I just want to make sure I can give everything I have to her, you know? What if there’s too much change, too much going on. God, what if I can’t do this?”

“Gwenny, you gotta breathe.” Her Mom instructs gently. “You can do this. And you know what? It’s not just you. There’s this extraordinary man in your corner, who’s more than fit to be an incredible Dad. You don’t have to do this alone, so share your fears with Blake. Let him help.”

“He’s got enough to deal with. His own business is taking off here and he’s happy, Mom. He’s genuinely in the best space I’ve ever seen him. I don’t want to drag him down with my dramatic, hormonal emotions right now.”

“You’re not being dramatic, Gwen. You’re a mother now. From the moment you’ve figured out you had this baby growing inside of you, you became a Mom. That’s an incredible job; with an incredible job comes an incredible amount of pressure as well. He will understand that.”

Gwen looks back at Blake again, his gaze finding hers at the exact same time. He smiles at her softly, giving her a quick wink.

It’s crazy how every small thing about him can still set her body aflame, as if it was the first time laying eyes on him all over again.

“Thank you for being here, Mom.” Gwen whispers, leaning into her a bit. “And Dad too. I really needed this.”

Patti smiles.

“You’re not getting rid of us that easily.”

“I don’t want to. You know that me moving here had nothing to do with you guys, right?”

“I know that sweet girl.” Her mother affirms. “Your father and I are glad to see you finally do what’s right for _you_ for a change. Did you really think we weren’t aware of the fact that you were ready to leave LA for a while now?”

Gwen blushes, looking down at her shoes.

“I guess I _was_ getting a little tired of it.”

Patti chuckles. “I don’t blame you.”

“It’s different here; we can actually walk around with getting bothered by anyone, there haven’t been any real tabloids written about us aside from the pregnancy reveal, Blake’s closer to his family and they’re truly incredible people. I thought it would be hard maintaining my business from here, but it turns out that me relocating here was a solution in many ways. The biggest design teams are back in LA, it actually gave the company some more room to hire new people, and I was able to take a few of them with me to the office in Nashville. Things have been good, really good.”

Her mother nods and smiles while listening to her daughter rave about her move, her arm still holding on to hers.

“It sounds like you’re happy.” Her mother observes, letting a brief silence fall. “Are you happy, Gwen?”

She nods. “The happiest I’ve ever been.”

“That’s all I could ever want for you.”

Before she could say anything in return, a shadow next to her indicates they’re no longer alone. Patti smiles when she sees Blake approaching, letting go of Gwen’s arm.

“I was wondering when you were gonna steal her away.” Her Mom jokes.

Blake laughs, wrapping an arm around his mother in law and squeezing her against his side.

“Never. Didn’t she tell you she’s actually my second favorite Stefani?”

Patti shoots Gwen an impressed look, laughter shaking the both of them.

“You’re a good man, Blake. Plus, whoever told you that sucking up to your mother in law was a good idea…they were right.”

“Would you believe me if I said it came straight from this hillbilly’s brain?” Blake jokes.

“Not for a second.” Patti smiles, patting his chest. “But I don’t care one bit.”

Her mother slows down so she can walk next to her husband, tracing places with Blake. Gwen smiles up at the handsome cowboy now next to her, shaking her head.

“You’re shameless.”

Blake puts a hand over his heart, looking at her dramatically.

“What did I do?”

“Flirting with my mother?” She cocks her brow. “Real smooth.”

“It worked on you, didn’t it?”

She bites her lip. “Behave yourself, Blakey.”

He chuckles.

“How are you feeling?”

She looks up at him softly, her hand searching for his automatically.

Nothing about their journey had been easy, or even conventional, but this moment right here was worth all the hassle. She couldn’t imagine herself here in her wildest dreams; living in a house they built together in Nashville, expecting their first child together, both her parents embracing Blake with open arms—it almost feels wrong to have any sort of conflicting feelings going on inside her. So much so, that she can’t keep it from him any longer.

“Does any of this scare you?” She whispers, tightening her grip on his hand. “Becoming a parent, going into such unfamiliar territory.”

“I was wondering when you were gonna tell me.” Blake says softly, an inkling of a smile on his lips.

She gasps softly.

“You knew?”

“Baby, I know you.” He retorts. “I figured something was going on and I had a pretty good idea what it was. I was just waiting for you to come to me; you’re pregnant and emotional, I know better than to push you too far right now.”

Gwen giggles. “We definitely have come a long way.”

“You got that right.” He chuckles. “Now tell me honey, why are you doubting your abilities all the sudden? Because there’s no one in this world who’s better prepared and equipped to become a mom, than you are.”

“You have to say that.”

“I don’t.” He counters, voice serious now. “I wouldn’t lie to you about that. You’re gonna be an incredible Mom, Gwen. Just like I know I’ll be alright too, cause I got you to learn from.”

Gwen whisks away a few tears.

“I want this so badly.” She whispers. “Gosh, I don’t mean to be this emotional about it. I know it’s probably just part of it you know? Becoming parents, that’s… a lot.”

“But we’re ready.” Blake affirms, pulling her into his arms. “Baby, we’re going to be just fine. We have each other, we love her already….” His hand slides protectively across her stomach. “And we got the help of our family and friends—Stella is gonna be the luckiest baby in the world, surrounded by love everywhere.”

Gwen smiles through her tears.

“That makes two of us.”

Blake hums. “Damn straight. Just like it was always supposed to be.”

Gwen looks back at her parents, their eyes full of love and something that must be peacefulness as they take in the sight of their daughter finally being taken care of. The air brushes past her face gently, the sun still making her skin glisten underneath the afternoon sky. If she weren’t so sure about being awake, she’d say this whole thing has been a dream.

“ _Stella Bowie Shelton_.” She whispers softly, letting the wind carry her name farther into the Nashville air.

She watches Blake smile.

“Say it again.”

Gwen giggles.

“Stella Bowie Shelton.”

“God Gwen….” He mumbles, emotion seemingly getting the best of him too. “I’ve got my whole life right here. I don’t think a man can get much richer than that.”

She holds on to him tight.

“I can’t believe there’s an actual human being growing inside me right now. A child. Our child. I’ve thought about this moment so many times, dreaming about what it would be like….reality is even better.”

As they continue to walk, she can feel the tension and stress dissipate, nothing matters except for Blake’s hand intertwining hers and her parents walking close behind them. There’s nothing more important than the small human being growing inside her, enriching their lives even without being present on Earth yet.

It brings a peace she didn’t even knew existed.

She can tell Blake feels it too. It’s as if they’re finally experiencing the true nature of freedom; branching a path with no paths at all, only love guiding them.

“I love you so much, darlin’.” He drawls against her ear, holding her closer than necessary but she won’t’ complain. “You and Stella—are the best thing to have ever happened to me.”

“And you’re ours.”

She takes solace in the peaceful exhale of breath coming from Blake.

“It’s you and I baby girl….” He whispers and she doesn’t know if he’s talking to her or Stella, but it doesn’t matter. “…And the love we grow.”

_You are, and always have been, my dream – N.S._


End file.
